It's the night of the Grand Galloping Gala and every pony is dressed up and refined for this most enchanting evening. But for Twilight Sparkle, it's more of a bitter sweet evening. She's fallen in love for the first time, but doesn't know how to handle it. The stallion of her dreams is the Royal Guard, Flash Sentry, and she's too shy and insecure to see if he returns her feelings. So Princess Cadance steps in to help her sister-in-law have the most romantic evening of her life.
Pairing: Twilight Sparkle x Flash Sentry
Genre: Romance
Type: One Shot
Chapters (1)
Good attempt, trust me, you could do far wore than this, but if you want helpful critique, here's what I can point out:
1) Rushed. I get that you're new and all, but it was a bit too short, and things were heavily rushed. Everything unfolded so quickly and the immediate love confession wasn't very in-character.
2) Speaking of character, Twilight was definitely OOC. Would she so calmly let Cadence be that nosy? Also, I see you tried to make Shining be protective, but would he seriously give up on it that easily? I guess maybe...
3 ) Motive. This may be wrong, maybe I'm just crazy, but it seems you focused too little on the development, which makes me question: what do you want to write about? Do you want to write a story ABOUT how they fall in love, or a story WHERE they are in love? Two very different things ya know. If you just want to write some TwiFlash but don't think you can develop it, just write a oneshot about them doing something or something happening WHILE they are already in love. You don't have to necessarily develop it, you can just make up a story where they are already in love, where all that has already happened.
The biggest issue when writing TwiFlash stories is that the two of them are so separate in cannon and Flash has so little development (actually, almost none), that you really have to think hard to make it work. The most important part of a romance story, in my opinion, is to make it believable, to make it something that you could actually see happening. So in order to do that with TwiFlash, you would need to do all of this:
1. Develop Flash as a character.
2. Develop Twilight where she SLOWLY falls, since I don't think she's the kind of mare to just suddenly feel or confess true love.
3. Make a scenario where the two are believably brought together due to a situation or circumstance.
Sorry for this long review XD I personally believe that reviews for new writers like you should be thorough and detailed, so that we can help you become a better writer, rather than just saying "its good lulz". Anyway, like I said, not a bad try, sorry if it seems like I'm roasting you, I'm not doing it to be mean, I want to be helpful
This was great idea but rushed. I favorite it out of my love for the pairing but agree with the other commenter that the points he bring up would make this story all the better. The concept of Twilight having a dance with special somepony is a great idea but the build up is needed and more detail as well to create the romantic and important moment we all want to see. As it is, the story is good and mushy fluff but with a little work it could be far greater.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS SO PERFECT. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7800775 thank you so much for saying so
I do wish I worked on it more though.
7683363 At least it's better that one stupid story of Twilight Sparkle "swinging both ways."
A valiant attempt, but feels like a first try for the first chapter,
No offense, but this romance feels more rushed than the one they shoehorned into Equestria Girls, and this is coming from someone who in all honesty enjoyed it more than Rainbow Rocks. Then again, I've read worse FlashLight fics.
Short and sweet. I like it.
OK, I did my best, but the continuity is all over the place. I just couldn't read it with the continuity issues, otherwise, It looks like a good story.
Issues: You start out by telling us it's Twilight's first Gala since defeating Nightmare moon. That would be the first year she is in Ponyville. OK so far. Unless this is an AU, she is not a princess yet. Nor would Shining Armor be married yet. If this is Canon, Shining Armor is the Prince Consort of the Chrystal Empire, and would not be doing guard duty in Canterlot.
If it's an AU, you need to tell us it's an AU and give enough of an explain so that we aren't left scratching our heads. Deal with the continuity issues and everything else should fall into place.
9813712
It was my first story so it was rough. Sorry if my then newbie writing is so sloppy
9813767
Your writing is good. It's just the continuity that needs fixing.
I think it's so cute and I shipped those two so much they are so cute together but here's a thing as much I want those two together it felt a little rush you probably want to get them to know each other first before they start to have feelings for each other I think it'd be better if it's on like multiple chapters when they go out or hang out more often or something like that so they know how they feel for each other but other than that this was pretty good keep up the good work
I kinda wish the series had let the romance blossom but since she was going to be an alicorn ruler one day, I guess she couldn't.
Kawaiiiii! 💖💖💖