- Member Since 27th Dec, 2016
- offline last seen Jul 14th, 2019
The Crystal king
Be who you want to be but don't be who you don't want to be -The Crystal King...Proud Owner Of Fall Of Humanity-Verse Group
The Crystal king
Joined 27th Dec, 2016 ·
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Nice job, can't wait for the confrontation
7891213 Thanks, right now its very hard to think of anything. so hope for the best also can you be more specific plz like which chapter
A bit rushed. I recommend you flesh out conversations with actual diologue instead of 'they talked for a while'. Also put a bit more detail into this. Good job though
8038071 thank you finally someone who really know what to be done on my story
I forgot to save
ahhh noooooooooooooo that's it I'm taking a brake
Heh I don't know what went wrong with my story...maybe I should...shut it down.
Alright I think I'm going to resume the story, now I can see that you guys are holding back against your criticism, please tell me what's wrong with it. I want to see what u see about my story, like does it lack details or grammar. Just tell me okay.
Hi.
8111306 wassup
8111318 Well I'm mostly doing schoolwork.
8111322 well yea...I back with my story, I need someone to help me with
8111328 I'll let you know what I think of the new chapter later, I think I'm going to be leaving soon.
What time does this mean? Is it supposed to be like military time or something?
She like looking? I think you meant something more along the lines of She lied there looking like a ...
Pretty sure you meant pace not paste.
I think it should be phrased more like turned the corner, only to be met by a barrage of bullets. Just a tip turned and meeting are two different tenses, try to remember to keep your writing focused on only one unless it's absolutely necessary.
on not in.
That's all I've got for spelling and grammar suggestions, there might be a few more though that I missed.
For the chapter as a whole, the only issues I felt were that the flashback doesn't seem to have a point here, it just comes up with no apparent reason. Nothing leads into the flashback and I don't think I got anything out of it either apart from a bit of backstory and info on a possible future threat. The flashback ultimately feels out of place, maybe you should have saved it for a later chapter or possibly made it more connected with the characters, for example the main character could have started thinking about his friend, which would prompt a flashback to when he last saw him, and then maybe it could led up to the flashback where he takes his revenge. And then after the flashback the MC feels sad because despite everything his friend is still dead and he still feels bad about it, or something like that. I also think that the character's motivations within the flashback could have been explained a little better, all we got was that his friend was executed on public television, but we don't know how or why. These are just some things I think could use some tuning up.
So that's my critique of this chapter. I hope you felt this was helpful.
8112339 thank u for pointing all them out. As for the flashback, I guess I do need some reason for it also yes it military time
1234mt XD
*CRTING* ez su butiful *SNIFF*
You mean "They started to gasp, They thought of the end of the world is "Neigh"" (seewhatididthere) :P
ye know, if they were entering a new plant, they wouldn't know if there was even food, water, resources, etc., so why didn't they bring that kind of stuff in the first place? and it sound kinda weird that the majority of them are private ranked, this seems like a situation that would require elite forces, not new forces
Applejack: "Wait you can talk"
John: "Wait, you can talk"
lol
"Kiss me off"
XD
wat?!
I'm choking
LOLOLLOLOLOL
A FILLY/CHILD IN HEAT?! THAT RIDICULES XD!!
unless that's how it really is in Equestria? Dayum,this is a weird part of the story XD
that was little TOO far
You mean: "I did the exact "SAME" thing"?
Before I read this, what is the Gore, Horror and Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?
8121251 no spoilers. 'Evil grin'
8121076 yep, there will be these type of situations ever so often, hehe
8121070 what?
8121023 hehe yep
8121484
Ok i just got to say this. How old is this guy? He was in the war in 2017? And they mastered space travel and got a ship to travel to other universes. That sort of time jump between the 2 would have taken maybe centuries. This guy is either ancient and about to die of old age or augmented with genetic enhancements to allow long life. There are a lot of questions about that.
8572881
Well, he's pretty old, maybe around 40 and to answer that other question...maybe, just maybe