• Published 23rd Jan 2017
  • 736 Views, 34 Comments

The New Era - The Crystal king



John Williams with his team and a handful of scientists is sent to a planet to investigate a claim that the planet has life,come with us to see if its true

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Comments ( 17 )

8111318 Well I'm mostly doing schoolwork.

8111322 well yea...I back with my story, I need someone to help me with

8111328 I'll let you know what I think of the new chapter later, I think I'm going to be leaving soon.

I looked at my watch to see that it's 0545

What time does this mean? Is it supposed to be like military time or something?

She like looking at a fuzzy care bear, my sister would always play with them.

She like looking? I think you meant something more along the lines of She lied there looking like a ...

The sound of boots hitting the ground and someone yelling to pick up the paste.

Pretty sure you meant pace not paste.

I turned the corner, meeting by a barrage of bullets

I think it should be phrased more like turned the corner, only to be met by a barrage of bullets. Just a tip turned and meeting are two different tenses, try to remember to keep your writing focused on only one unless it's absolutely necessary.

executed in live television,

on not in.

That's all I've got for spelling and grammar suggestions, there might be a few more though that I missed.

For the chapter as a whole, the only issues I felt were that the flashback doesn't seem to have a point here, it just comes up with no apparent reason. Nothing leads into the flashback and I don't think I got anything out of it either apart from a bit of backstory and info on a possible future threat. The flashback ultimately feels out of place, maybe you should have saved it for a later chapter or possibly made it more connected with the characters, for example the main character could have started thinking about his friend, which would prompt a flashback to when he last saw him, and then maybe it could led up to the flashback where he takes his revenge. And then after the flashback the MC feels sad because despite everything his friend is still dead and he still feels bad about it, or something like that. I also think that the character's motivations within the flashback could have been explained a little better, all we got was that his friend was executed on public television, but we don't know how or why. These are just some things I think could use some tuning up.

So that's my critique of this chapter. I hope you felt this was helpful.

8112339 thank u for pointing all them out. As for the flashback, I guess I do need some reason for it also yes it military time

like every time I try to walk it like I'm going inside a tight vagina.

that was little TOO far

Heh, I remembered when I was a private, I did the exact thing.

You mean: "I did the exact "SAME" thing"?

Before I read this, what is the Gore, Horror and Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?

8121251 no spoilers. 'Evil grin'

8121076 yep, there will be these type of situations ever so often, hehe

Ok i just got to say this. How old is this guy? He was in the war in 2017? And they mastered space travel and got a ship to travel to other universes. That sort of time jump between the 2 would have taken maybe centuries. This guy is either ancient and about to die of old age or augmented with genetic enhancements to allow long life. There are a lot of questions about that.

8572881
Well, he's pretty old, maybe around 40 and to answer that other question...maybe, just maybe

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