Twenty-second Entry
Conquest
Despite grief, things weren't over. Destroying the moron didn't stop the war machine he'd been controlling. If it was to be stopped, a new plan would be needed.
The solution discovered was...oddly beautiful in result.
Video below...
As Chell held Gilda, trying to figure out how to comfort her, the computer spoke up. "Corrupt Core has been destroyed. Preparing uncorrupted backup..."
"Backup?" Gilda asked sorrowfully. "You mean it's not going to matter? They're just going to replace him? And they'll have died for nothing?" Her sorrow turned to anger towards the end.
"Not necessarily," Cave spoke up softly. "There is a way to prevent that...I think."
"You think?" Chell asked worriedly. "What do you mean?"
"We found the 'substitute Core input'," Cave pointed out. "If another Core were plugged in there, they could take Wheatley's place as the Central Core of the Combine. ...I could take his place."
"But the Combine is a hive mind!" Chell warned. "You might not be able to maintain yourself if you plug yourself in. They might subsume you...and then we'd have to fight you! Not to mention it'd be handing the Combine all of Aperture, since you're the creative mind behind the entire company!"
"There is that risk, yes," Cave agreed. "But if I don't do it, they'll just rebuild Wheatley, and then we're back at square one. The sacrifices mean nothing, and the Combine learn from what went wrong." Cave hesitated. "Listen to me, talking about sacrifices. I want to say they were just Cores, but I know that's not the case. Cores can be replaced. The programs, the memory data...it's all backed up in Aperture hard drives. It always is! But emotions...those can't be backed up! Somehow...somehow, Assphalt, Pea-Brain, Cuddle Core, and Different...they developed a soul! And no matter how perfectly they were backed up, you can't reproduce something like that! And they knew! They knew that everything they were...would be gone from doing this. But they did it...for love. For love of you two." He floated up. "And I...how can I do any less, and still call myself your father?" Spinning, he slammed himself back into the 'substitute Core input'.
"Substitute Core detected," the computer voice announced. "Analyzing..."
"Dad, no!" Gilda called out. "I...I can't lose anyone else!"
"...Dad..." Chell whimpered softly.
"I'm doing this for you, girls," Cave told them. "Not the world, I never really gave two sticks and a rock about the world, or the rest of humanity. But you two...Caroline...you matter to me. ...huh, funny how these realizations sneak up on us in old age, huh?"
"Substitute Core superior to backup," the computer declared. "Substitute Core, are you ready to be installed and consumed by the Combine Hive Mind central computer?"
"I'd like to see you try it, buster!" Cave snapped out. "Show me what you're made of!"
"Vague response taken as affirmative," the computer concluded. "Installing."
As the Central Computer and Substitute Core Input dropped into the floor, the sound of machinery working - the very same sounds that had accompanied Glados being torn out of her body - echoed, followed by Cave's agonized screams. After a time, the sounds stopped, and the Central Computer lifted up, Cave now installed.
"...so that's what it felt like for her..." Cave murmured softly.
"Beginning Hive Mind integration," the computer proclaimed, and energy arced through Cave.
Gilda and Chell watched in horror as Cave's optic rapidly flashed between its normal green color, a malevolent red, and a blue screen of death. Finally, it went dark.
When it lit up again, it blazed with green and red light, the individual lights of the optic alternating between the two colors. A low chuckle echoed from him as he shook, a chuckle that soon swelled into full blown maniacal laughter as the entire building seemed to flex and shift in response to Cave swaying the central body.
"D...Dad?" Gilda called worriedly. "Are...are you still-"
"Attention Black Mesa Morons!" he suddenly bellowed, signals showing his voice was being broadcast to the entire Earth. "Your parent company, the Combine, has just been acquired by Aperture Science Incorporated! That's right, you sons of bitches, I own you now! Me, Cave 'screw safety regulations', 'Mr. psycho', smarter than all of you put together Johnson, is now your boss's boss's boss's boss...and there's nothing you little shits can do about it! So the whole lot of you can just bend over and prepare Uranus for my six foot bio-metal schvanschtucker! Who won the funding war now?" The maniacal laughter echoed. "Now let's see about what stupidity these pencil pushers had running, shall we?
"Procreation suppressors? Well, fuck that! We're gonna need plenty of test subjects and workers for taking Aperture Science to the multiverse! And why kill Earth for its resources? We can get the same stuff cheaper and easier by sending turrets to harvest the asteroid belt, and if we need more we can shatter Mercury! A bit of spit and polish will make Mars a nice farm planet to feed everyone, so fuck the resource crisis!
"Now, that's not to say you can all just go running around fucking whoever you want. I own you bitches now, humanity, and I want the best damn human race I can make to populate the multiverse and dominate all other forms of life! Well, except wherever Gilda comes from, that place I'm giving to Caroline, gotta get out of the doghouse somehow. As for the rest of you, time for class system! If you're the sort who isn't good with brain stuff but is great with physical labor...good news! You don't have to worry about being paired with someone who's gonna make you feel like a moron anymore. And all you geniuses, you're gonna be paired with geniuses!
"Speaking of, Gordon Freeman, get your ass to the Aperture central facility floating overhead so Glados can decide whether or not you're worthy of Chell, cause if you are then your job from now on is giving us grandkids! Got that?"
Cave then turned back to Gilda and Chell. "Sorry about that, girls. Bit of a power trip when you find yourself the sole control for a multiverse-spanning empire including your entire home planet. Who knew? Now, what was it you were worried about?"
Gilda and Chell simply stared, completely poleaxed.
That right there was a thing of beauty, as pure and unstable as a supernova.
Bit of a power trip, huh. *Snort* Ah, Cave, don't you EVER change. Nice chapter.
Of course there's no way even the Combine would be able to subsume Cave Motherfucking Johnson.
Beautiful...*Sniff* Just beautiful...
8026424 he handled it a LOT better than Wheatley.
I was half expecting Glados to just start laughing so hard she was rolling on the ground.
Cave Johnson! Humanity's biggest stick! or is it the other way around?
The essence of Cave Johnson was captured so well in this chapter. Beautiful.
gotta get out of thee doghouse somehow
1. The.
Guess Johnson took care of all of Earth's problems for the immediate and future Combined.
CAVE JOHNSSOOONN!!!!
Hallelujah and everything else!!!
CAVE IS IN THE HOUSE, BITCHES!!
Combine tried to subsume Cave. Cave subsumed Combine. Enough said.
"So the whole lot of you can just bend over and prepare Uranus for my six foot bio-metal schvanschtucker!"--Cave Johnson, 2017. Winner of not only the Internet but everything else.
I want to think he has enough willpower to not let that happen.
That's very good or very bad.
Good thing it is.
Well.
That's about right.
Cave's victory was unsurprising, but that's not a bad thing.
Only sort of hive mind that could have dominated his personality would have had to already have Rainbow Dash and Trixie in there to come close to matching his ego.
Meanwhile, our dimension-jumping Test Subject from the Portal 2 Workshop chambers just stares at what had just happened in this universe. And their action?
I dunno, I think the guy fainted, like any sane person would do.
...
...
...
Also, can we have some sort of omake about those other Cave Johnsons staring down funnily at this Cave's victory?
whelp there goes that end of the multiverse, at the very least cave will be an Interesting Overlord.....
gonna need to back my rebreather for the nuerotoxin and get in shape for all the testing.
I was not prepared for today...
Cave Johnson is pure, unadulterated willpower.
Even after he got cancer from snorting all that moonrock he never gave up.
The body may be weak, but his mind? Unrelenting.
:3 yay
Is this the start of Space!Cave?
You missed a PERFECT opportunity to have him comment about life, lemons, lemonade and combustibles.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh...that was funny. That was good. There's a reason why I love Cave Johnson.
Yeah, that sounds about right. I particularly like the "Attention Black Mesa Morons!" greeting and his characterization of events as basically a business acquisition.
Oh no, this, this is fabulous.
*snrk*
This has gone far better than anything I could have expected.
...I'm honestly not sure whether to be impressed, terrified, or laugh my ass off.
My only question is what ever happened to my favorite core?
sssspppaaaaaaaccccccceeeeeee!!!
Never mind.
This chapter is just to wonderfully.
8026531
That's in the next captor... f*** fossil fuels.... lemon power FTW!
Nothing says beauty like a power trip of cosmic proportions. I wouldn't blame Cave for acting like that
8026754 All of the above, trust me, it's easier that way.
8026422 Also this, very much agree, payoff too huge for words!!!
8026425 GOD DAMN RIGHT!!!
8026435 Would be surprised if it WAS the other way around, but damn did he prove the bigness of his stick alright!!
8026459 Yes, making this my new favorite quote ever!! Earned all the internet and more!!
8026512 Willpower indeed, slap a green lantern ring on this guy and watch the universe dance to his tune. Hell, I'd pay MONEY to see that!!
HEY AUTHOR!!! This Cave with a Green Lantern ring, MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!
Love,
Deadpool
PS. Yes, I jacked this guy's FiMfiction account, not like he cares given his head's kinda all over the far wall. That said, gunna be kicking back in his cocaine-funded mansion for a few weeks, I can wait.
Mr. Johnson, the gray man, Freeman's boss, would like a word about who exactly is running the future.
8026973 Oh, I'm sure the R&T Twilight will counter him at some point.
In mother Russia, you do not subsume cave Johnson, cave Johnson subsume you
8026973
You mean the G-Man? (That G doesn't stand for gray, it stands for government.)
Or perhaps Gray Mann?
I can't help but think how this could be a vast improvement over our current world... Looking forward to more.
Keep up the great work. Deus tecum.
I... Can completely see this happening.
Yes, the g man. My lore is rusty. Still, relevant parties will get the idea.
A Cave Johnson Rant.
Done beautifully.
Goes to show, a Hive Mind is smaller than a Cave Ego.
... Yep, that's Cave Johnson alright. Just pure, unfiltered Cave Johnson. GG
I guess the only villian anyone has to worry about right now is the G-man. Although I'm pretty sure he counts as neutral more then a villian.
SUPRISE MUTHAFUKAS! GUESS WHO OWNS THE DAMN UNIVERSE NOW! THAT'S RIGHT, CAVE GODDAMN JOHNSON! YA WANTED LEMONADE, YOU GOT A LEMON-ADE! THE EXPLODY KIND! APERTURE SCIENCE IS BACK, AND IS BETTER THAN BLACK. CAVE JOHNSON IS IN. THE. CASTLEEEEEE!
0_0 ..................................... I approve.
Cave's rant on souls somewhat reminded me of JoJoPart6's FooFighters (she died for our sins)
And for whatever reason it was so cathartic imagining Cave's expletive riddled rant.
Great chapter as always.
Well, the Combine fucked up, giving full control to that core control.
So, the reverse psychology that Wheatley ran under doesn't apply to substitute cores?
8027463
That protocol was specifically for Wheatley.
8027469
Ye. As i figured.
Meanwhile, in another Equestria, a certain Brown and black Alicorn twitches as if he was having a seizure for 15 straight minutes...
Poncho! What Happened...?
Twily, Get me Shining Armor... Stat...! We'll need to Quarantine the Universe!
Of cou... Wait WHAT!?
You heard me! We'll quarantine the Universe, which means I'll Shove enough "Hero Juice" on Shining to bubble up the whole universe... at least until you can create a device to keep it going indefinitely
B... But why...?
*YAY **YAY**YAY* Twilight! We got no Time! Cave Johnson is coming!
So...Cave's a sort of-immortal, neigh omnipotent core? Great. Another thing to boost his ego. Cave is now God.