- Member Since 28th Jan, 2016
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
BatwingCandlewaxxe
We were somewhere around Ponyville, on the edge of the Everfree, when the Poison Joke began to take hold.
BatwingCandlewaxxe
Joined 28th Jan, 2016 ·
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Cute. But I gotta ask: where did you get that Flutterwombat picture from?
7598022
It's an old picture by Ursula Vernon, I have a link to some of her stuff in my profile.
I.. I think this might be the first Mature fic I'm going to put in my cute/comedy folder
Nice job
7600062
Thanks!
It's very nice to see someone appreciate what I was going for with this one. I just got so tired of nearly all the "mature" stuff on the site being either grimdark or mindless clop (or grimdark clop).
Hee, this was fun :) nothing wrong with a bit of good fun and comedy now and then, and with a bit of character examining too. Good stuff!
8061904
Thanks!
Hmmm.
I'm not sure if this story works as well as it could. You've got elements here for going in multiple directions - comedy, smut, romance, just general bondingfic - but you're not really committed to any of them in the final product. Maybe I'm not one to comment since I devoted an entire scene in my one story to the protagonist talking about how much she loves certain types of mystery genre, but I'm not sure if making about a third of the story two characters talking about what it's like to have fetishes is what this story wanted or needed. There's just not enough else here to make it read as anything other than an essay that got retooled into a conversation.
Like, maybe it's that Rarity is describing something I actually understand already, but it feels like this is the skeleton of something larger. There's a relationship comedy in here somewhere, or a farce, or any number of things. Twilight switching genders to pleasure her partner because of an elaborate script Rarity's written based on a harlequin romance just sounds like it should play funny, or at least steamy. Here there's nothing particularly steamy, and the jokes just sort of pop up and vanish like smoke bubbles without landing.
I guess the best way I can put this is you have an idea for a story here, and a proof of concept, but I'm still kind of waiting on the story itself.
8624307
Yeah, I figured this was just a total hash, but having a second pair of eyes to give me a better idea of how and where it went wrong helps a lot.
It actually happened in the opposite direction. I had intended to write what was essentially a funny porn scene between the two (out of sheer boredom) , and it devolved into this sort of conversational essay. That's pretty much what every sex scene I write tends to do if I'm not careful. I may try to re-write it focusing more on the relationship comedy, since it seem like from your comments that's what would probably work best.
Anyway, thanks for the comment!
I'm not sure what I was expecting but, I can't help but feel disappointed with what little there is. Someone else stated it best, however the gist it is that it could many things, and instead the story is this weird not-story.