• Member Since 20th Mar, 2016
  • offline last seen May 25th, 2021

Dollie

Rexhar, Deeva, Castle Dimitrescu~

Dollie Joined 20th Mar, 2016 · Offline

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Luna wants to take a bath without being disturbed, but Celestia has different plans for Luna that she thinks is way better.. Luna thinks otherwise..

Rated T for language.
Chapters (1)
Complete Published: Sep 21st, 2016 Download
1,683 words
Comments ( 16 )
nebulaegalaxy
nebulaegalaxy #1 · Sep 21st, 2016 · · 1 ·
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I noticed I forgot to favorite this. Whoops.
And it seems you plan to continue it? Or you marked it incomplete for some reason :applejackconfused:


SATAN SPAWN SHOWER HEADS

Lightning--Dasher
Lightning--Dasher #2 · Sep 21st, 2016 · · ·
Reply

Please continue! This story is AMAZING!

BradtheBrony
BradtheBrony #3 · Sep 21st, 2016 · · ·
Reply

You should get an editor/proofreader to go over this... plenty of grammatical mistakes (mostly with capitalization).

But other than that, still funny. :pinkiehappy:

OmniFox
OmniFox #4 · Sep 22nd, 2016 · · ·
Reply

Good thing she didn't threaten her pet possum.

Dollie
Dollie #5 · Sep 22nd, 2016 · · ·
Reply

7583382 I'll make a sequel for this story soon:twilightsmile:

FimForever
FimForever #6 · Nov 12th, 2016 · · ·
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It was a beautiful afternoon in equestria and everything was so peaceful.

Equestria
It is a place name so it requires a capital letter. I'm such a grammar Nazi.orig14.deviantart.net/34b5/f/2012/227/c/3/nazi_luna_by_shadoroq-d5b6o3i.jpg
Not even finished the first sentence and I find this. THE FIRST SENTENCE!

GriffonSpade
GriffonSpade #7 · Nov 26th, 2016 · · ·
Reply

7583341

SATAN SPAWN SHOWER HEADS

Dangit Celestia, quit using the satan spawn to do that!

Dollie
Dollie #10 · Jan 11th, 2017 · · ·
Reply

7859628 she's think satan was apart of the shower and getting stronger as the shower upgrades

FimForever
FimForever #12 · Mar 15th, 2017 · · ·
Reply

I am such a grammar Nazi.

It was a beautiful afternoon in equestria and everything was so peaceful

Capital letter.

The bird were flying around the towns happily and ponies were out talking with one another while their children played in the field.

The plural verb 'were' doesn't agree with the singular subject 'bird'.

In canterlot,where places are usually busy,

Incorrect spacing with punctuation and Canterlot is missing a capital letter.

But it was surprisingly very calm...for now..

This sentence ends with a double full stop. Either replace with an ellipsis or just a full stop.

In the Canterlot Castle, solar court was just about done.

Solar Court.

The solar court times have just changed so Lunar court could start

Solar Court. Lunar Court.

“Maybe I can actually take a bath without being interrupted.” Luna said to herself.

You have used a full stop in the middle of a sentence. Consider replacing it with a comma.

“Just reading..And i’m guessing you had the chocolate cake in the fridge.” Luna replied.

Double full stop again and the pronoun 'I' should always be capitalised.

Luna chuckled and rolled her eyes playfully. “Well I was about to take a bath as I have no one signed up for court. So after my bath i’ll hang out with you for a while.”

You are missing a punctuation mark after the interjection 'Well', you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase 'So after my bath' and you should capitalise the pronoun 'I'.

“Oh you are so taking one.” Celestia said.

Again, you have used a full stop in the middle of a sentence.

“What the fuck is it though?” Luna asked

you are missing a comma with the interrupter 'though'.

“One, you’re language shows me that you have been playing too many games and two, it’s the evolved form of a bath so to speak.” Celestia said.

Comma again.

“Ooh..yeah I still don’t get it.” Luna said

Again, a comma.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SATANIC CONTRAPTION?!” Luna yelled after taking one look at the shower..

Double full stop again.

“It’s a shower, Luna. See you can turn the water on like this and switch the heat of the water to your prefered temperature.”

Common misspelling of preferred.

“Oh hell naw. fuck this shit, i’m out!” Luna said and ran off.

Capital letters for the start of sentences and the pronoun 'I'.

“Luna get back here!” Celestia yelled and ran after her..

Double full stop.

“Ugh, where the hell would she be?” Celestia asked herself out loud. A few seconds after she said thats, There were noises coming from a closet in one of the extra rooms.

'A few seconds after she said that there were noises coming from a closet in one of the extra rooms.'

“Oh, thats where you are..”

'Oh, that's where you are...'

“CELESTIA IS TRYING TO PUT ME IN A SATANIC MACHINE.” Luna screamed running down the hall.

A comma needs to replace the full stop which is in the middle of the sentence.

Luna managed to disappear again and Celesia was on the verge of losing her sanity.Then she felt so stupid when she realised she could track Luna down with a spell to find Luna’s magical aura.

Celestia. A space after the end of the sentence.

“This should do the trick." Celestia said as she casted the spell.

A comma again and the common misconception of the word 'cast' being able to be said as 'casted'.

Celestia decided to be risky, and leaped towards Luna in an attempt to grab her….but Luna immediately took off shouting “Not today satan spawn!”

'leapt'.

Celestia got up and quickly took off to catch up with Luna. Of course Luna wasn’t going down without a fight. So what did she do? She turned turned the forest into Celestia’s new obstacle course.

I hope you see the problem here.

Luna flew threw vines, over thorns and zig-zagged passed trees.

'through' and 'past'.

Finally she blew up in rage.

'Finally, she blew up in rage.'

And before Luna could do anything, Celesia engulfed her in that oh so familiar golden aura.

'Celestia'

"You will take a shower and you are going to like it!" Celestia said, half screaming..

Again with the double full stops.

Luna gulped and slowly nodded so her sister would wouldn’t yell anymore.

:twilightoops:

“Alright you satanic demon, you win.. Feed me to satan..”

There is a double full stop, again.

“Soooooo..” Celestia asked wanting an answer.

There is a comma needed instead of the double full stop.

“It’s not bad to be honest.” Luna said

Again, a comma instead of the full stop.

Apparently Luna has been running from Celestia longer than she thought.

Missing comma.

“Well i’m beat, and i’m guessing you are too.” Luna said.

'I'm', 'I'm' and 'you are too," Luna said.'

“Well good night Tia.” Luna said walking to the door.
“Goodnight Lulu.” Celestia replied.

Commas.

“Oh no reason, I was just curious.” Luna said slyly. And with that, she left.

Again, you are putting full stops in the place of commas.

“She didn’t..” Celestia said to herself

You have put a double full stop again and a missed a full stop at the end.

Celestia took a deep breath and let it out in the Loudest way possible…

Captalised letter at the wrong time.

Starlight Nova
Starlight Nova #15 · Nov 10th, 2018 · · ·
Reply

Before I read this, I must know: Why doesn't Equestria have showers?

Dollie
Dollie #16 · Nov 10th, 2018 · · ·
Reply

9283076
Good question haha.

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