Twilight decides to have another dinner party for Starlight, along with Princess Candance, Shinning Armor, Sunburst and baby Flurry Heart, along with Starlight's friend Sunburst, but things took an unexpected turn when Flurry Heart caused herself, Starlight, and Sunburst to be at Canterlot High and got stuck there, can they find their way back home before the dinner party tonight?
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Good thing Flurry is also cute in human form because her brand of chaos is the kind of chaos Discord wouldn't be willing to touch. I also like the idea of Sunset to become another of Flurry's aunts. Celly and Lulu are more like graunties.
Doesn't this story already exist on FanFiction.net?
Alicron? Is that like an evolved form of Unicron? Is there transformers?
7443559 Methinks it's really a typo.
7443567
That much is obvious, but I thought I'd be silly about it.
7443572 I know.
She is going to find the mirror isn't she
I thought so
7443543
Not that I know of.
7443591
Sorry about that. Sometime I type to fast and some of the letters get mixed up with being aware of it. I sometime get too excited while typing fan fiction that I don't check my mistakes right away
7443773 https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11976091/1/An-Alicron-Baby-Sitting-Adventure
I believe you wrote this on FanFiction.net and are just putting it up on this site.
7443793
Yes well from google doc anyway. I'll make sure to fix that mistake too
Leave it to Sunset to save the day.
Sunset can handle this
I'll bet the reason why Flurry likes Sunset is because she reminds him of Sunburst?
i think you mean Sunset and Not cadence
Flurry has brought more fun again!!!
Flurry Heart playing Cupid!!!
Welcome to the EQ dimension.
Twilight going into that place again.
Busted.
Second verse same as the first.
To Canterlot High.
Awkward!
Flurry takes a shine to Sunset.
How about another Flurry Heart adventure?
Good story
Premise sounded good, but I started reading it and only got a few paragraphs in before the way it's written turned me away.
Right with your first line, you've got problems. Which incident with Trixie? You can't use vague references as opening lines expecting the reader to simply instinctively know. From the context, it's probably "No Second Prances", but it could also be "All Bottled Up". Details are important. Details set the stage. Details set the story. Details are important.
Two problems here:
1. Present tense. While there's certainly no rule against writing a third-person story in the present tense, in general it's a bad idea. If the narrative is third-person, the story should ideally be written in the past tense. Present tense narrative is best used for first- or second-person narrative voice.
2. What even are you trying to convey here? Everything in the above sentence is meaningless. It's an empty junk sentence that doesn't convey any useful information to the reader. It's vague, it's irrelevant, and it pretty much announces to the world that you don't really know how to write yet.
Now see...you're trying to write this like a script treatment. This is the kind of thing you'd see in a script. It has no place in narrative prose. Don't do this.
Show, don't tell.
1. If your narrative POV is with Starlight, you can't tell us that Twilight and Spike are happy to see her. You have to convey it through their reactions to her. Smiles, happy voices, and so forth.
2. Show, don't tell.
This is as far as I read. The first few paragraphs told me that while you may have a very entertaining story idea here, your prose would be too laborious to wade through when you have yet to grasp the basic concept of show, don't tell.
Pretty fun and I liked the fun meets.
Starlight always saves the day. 😊 Best pony and future alicorn.
Starlight will handle this.
7482092
Sunset's a joke. 😈
Anyone else getting the strangest feeling of deja vu here
When the grammar and general writing is so bad that you continue reading just to find all of the mistakes, even though you normally stop reading a story at the first sign of consistently bad writing.
10009786
I did the exact same thing.