Fan of Ponies and researcher of fandoms.
When Twilight followed Sunset through the mirror after her crown was stolen, the newest Princess expected many things. None of them included a shattered moon, black and white monsters, a dying world, and complete loss of hope. Welcome to a world of bloody evolution Twilight, welcome to the World of Remnant.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Huh, don't see many RWBY fics here. I eagerly await more!
6953259 Spacebattles has been really helpful getting this ready to publish. In fact, this originally started because a Doctor Who snippet was deemed "overdone" and RWBY was one of the suggestions for something different. The chapter here is actually the fourth variant of my original snippet. Monty Oum level fight scenes are not something that translates well to the written word.
Karin as power of hypertime, now that cool
Moar!
Am I right in assuming Twilight is going to be a badass?
6957921 Spoilers~
>>Xero Key really?
Okay, this is progressing WAAAYYYY too fast. The first chapter should've been at least 5000 words, if not more, but you cut a bunch of corners so that you could get to the part where Twilight is running from Grimm and even then you cut corners so that you could get to introducing team SKIE.
Even worse, you're cutting corners in the worst way possible: author's notes. You're putting important plot details into a convenience that's meant for a "thanks for reading" dialogue. The author's notes aren't even meant to exist from a literary standpoint, so act like they don't. I want to read about a character's details in the story, not the author's notes. If, however, you're adamant about keeping these details in the author's notes because you don't know where else to put them, think of it this way: if you have to put important details into the author's notes, you fucked up.
6963002 I thank you for your critique. I realize it is rushed, however this is because I'm not sure where this will go beyond a few chapters. I'm not sure how to not bog down the actual story with the biographies and honestly expected people to ignore them. Most likely this story will die off once I finish this beginning arc...or I can actually gain my footing and I'll do better, who knows?
The bios I realize in retrospect were a bad idea, actually a horrible idea now that I take the time to think about it. I just wanted to do something different for this story. And the pacing in the first two chapters is horrible, but in Twilight's mind they are on a time limit and as this is after the Volume 3 finale of RWBY, the Grimm are enough of a threat I couldn't figure out how to get her away from Beacon without attracting their attention.
As I said I thank you for your critique, but at this point I'm going to leave these chapters as is and probably stay the same for the next few I'm working on. I don't expect you to keep reading, but I hope you do and are able to offer advice when you feel I strongly mess up again.
Considering the frantic nature so far I believe it is progressing at a good speed. Aside from that, great couple of chapters, but I am curious on Sunset's relations with the Humane 5.
The bios in the author's note helps with shortening some of the more lengthy explanations, but it does work as you do touch upon it and let the reader's take the creative control in imagining what they look like, weapon's and appearance. That is more important than explaining every little detail. So good on you.
Of course, there are things that could be worked on, but for the most part everything seems pretty sold in terms of foundation. If anything, try to show more than tell, it helps, but other than that good start.
7081854 The problem I've realized I ran into making this story is... It's RWBY. I don't have all he data Monty left RoosterTeeth, nor do I have a way with words to capture that kind of action. Heck the only way I can let people know just what kind of trouble Spike and Twilight are in is by setting up that this is just after Volume 3.
7082571 The beauty of fanfiction is that you are allowed a creative freedom to twist and mold the data you know and don't know to create something unique; you don't need all the data because we will never get all the data pertaining to the RWBY-verse. That shouldn't stop you, if anything it should inspire you to go above beyond and form your own data from the data you have. It's what we call inspiration.
Yes, the action is very...extravagant, but you should attempt anyway. You'll never know unless you go for it. I believe an old saying goes, "I rather dream big than fail than aim small and accomplish nothing at all. For it is those who go above and beyond that truly create something great." or something along those lines. Point is you'll never be able to accomplish those scenes if you never take risks and allow yourself to fail.
All in all, just try. i'm not asking you to make a scene of godly proportions, just try. Anyway, there will be people to give you excellent criticism on how to approve and if not, search the web for forums that deal with this kind of thing. It's worth it in the end.
I look forward to the next chapter.
You have potential, but I feel the pacing is off.
I don't know, perhaps for every 3 words here you do 5 and the pacing will be better
Looking very good so far. That gives me hope for this, I don't know why but I really struggle to find a good RWBY fic on this site that keeps me hooked, maybe this will finally be the one. I especially like how you made Twilight and Sunset both Faunus's.