Just a girl trying to make it as an freelancer writer. Please check out my stories, both fanfiction and independent works! Any comments are deeply loved and you're all awesome.
Inspired by Eve Online(which I have been playing much too much lately)
In the far flung future, far from their home of Equestria, ponies and griffons have made four new empires to rage war with. With powerful ships and deep alliances, more and more they find each day a constant struggle for survival. For Ex, a slave with a stolen ship and no masters, he must struggle to find direction and escape his pursuers in a galaxy that doesn't care and desires to tear him apart.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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That’s a decent transition, but Ex doesn’t seem to be having a lot of fun in the next scene. It’s not like he loathes being there, either. He’s just kind of neutral about it.
I’m not all that interested in Ex. He's doing things, but he seems almost detached from it. He doesn’t feel like all that vivid of a protagonist (I assume he’s the protagonist), or a character, really. He does have a flaw, though—he’s paranoid—but I only know this because it was explicitly pointed out twice in the text. There’s one spot where he actually does something paranoid:
However, he seemed to be conversing normally in the bar. I figured he’d be a bit more guarded while talking to the griffon, but he let the pilgrim thing slip, which I think is a pretty big mistake for a paranoid character to make. Didn’t seem all that consistent to me.
The people around him react to him being a podder, but he seems to have no reaction. Miss Timing and the bartender are obviously scared and uncomfortable, but how does Ex feel about that? I feel like that would help define who Ex is, because at the moment he seems a bit drab to me.
In chapter 2, he’s shown to be “manic”, and he’s stressed, but only because his AI tells him that he is. As it goes on, I’m seeing more signs of mental instability, but only because he (seemingly randomly) starts thinking of his former crew members, and alluding to a stereotypical tragic past. It feels more obligatory than interesting. He keeps cutting himself off from explaining the rest of his backstory (He wouldn't have to think anymore, he wouldn't have to--), which feels more story-convenient than natural to me.
The scene where he’s flying his ship and talking with the griffon isn’t all that exciting. The action is a bit underplayed by the conversation he’s having with the griffon, which went on a little too long about whether or not the griffon’s going to blow up the ship and how much the bounty’s worth. It didn’t really feel all that exciting to me.
There are a few instances of telling when showing would’ve been better (“He gulped nervously”; ““Of course. You wanna try to crack it?” she said in a teasing tone.”). There was an instance of telling when showing has already happened earlier in the story (“The magical connections and mana crystals jammed into his skull allowed him to control and manipulate the ship as if it was a part of his body, to actually live through it and use it as he willed. It allowed him to pilot the entire thing by himself.”)
Finally, I’m curious as to why this story involves ponies. The only connection I see with the show is that the AI is Celestia, though she only serves to function as a generic AI. If all the characters were humans instead of ponies, I feel like the story wouldn’t be very different at all.
Minor notes:
There’s a bit of technobabble here that I’m not following, but I’m not big on technobabble anyway.
There are a few grammar mistakes (“The phantom pain making each word horrible.” <- dependent clause, should’ve been connected to the previous sentence with a comma).
There were also a lot of instances of “slowly” and “quickly”. Overusing those words, in my opinion, is a bit drab. Adverbs in general tend to bog sentences down.
Overall, decent and decently-written, but I wasn’t all that engaged. Regardless, I hope my opinion was somewhat helpful. ^^
Also, I feel like I should mention, I haven't played Eve Online, so I'm unfamiliar with the universe.
As an avid EVE player, this intrigues me.
6932210 Thank you for your feedback. :) You're right, as much as it pains me to say it. I was trying to show the kind of detachment a lot of podders end up having(namely due to their immortality) and his own detachment caused by his life of servitude(namely the fact he has trouble reacting to others well and tends to answer things far too quickly, especially with his paranoia). The combat scene... yeah, I had a lot of trouble with that. I really was going more for trying to show how greedy they could be, the podders, but it didn't really work out as well as I'd hoped. The reason it used ponies is because I wanted to mix the universes. I'd been thinking since playing it how the four empires would be represented, and it hit me. Unicorns soooo amarr. From there it just flowed together and seemed like fun.
All in all, a fun test, but I really have a lot to work on when developing these kinds of characters. Too much tell, not enough show. Really need to work on expressing the characters better. Thank you for all of your feedback. :)
6934245 Thanks. Thought it would be a fun short story to write. :)