What Makes a Mark

After they receive their cutie marks, the CMC wonders what their next task should be. They decide to venture to the former Village of Equality, where they know there are many fillies and colts were raised to believe that cutie marks are evil. Can Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo teach their new friends about Cutie Mark Magic?

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Eruantalon

Eruantalon #1 · Oct 12th, 2015 · · · Chapter One: Arrival ·

This's a very good idea! Having the Crusaders run into Starlight's philosophy - especially now that they've found their special talent to be helping others get their cutie marks - is excellent room for a story. And given their evesdropping, I can see them choosing it as their first mission.

You seem to be telling the story much too quickly, though. Everything seems so brief. For example, Applejack just accepts their idea and arranges for them to go on the train without any comment; we don't hear her thoughts; we don't see her talking to Princess Twilight; we don't hear what anyone else thinks. (What about Big Mac, now being upstaged by both his sisters? What about Pinkie Pie, who'd probably love to go there and give them a party? What about anything else that's been done for the town in the meantime?)

For another example, your descriptions are also almost telegraphically brief. Take, "Walking down the main street, the scene wasn't much different from the Mane Six's first visit. Only, this time, the smiles on the villagers' faces were genuine, just as their "welcome"s." This's an opportunity to really paint a picture in your reader's mind of how the village has changed but still looks similar... but I don't get anything. (Nor do I see the Crusader's response, or Applejack's.) Or, the playground: "...the playground where most of the fillies and colts were. Most notable were two colts by a basketball hoop, their eyes switching between it and the ball in front of them." What's this playground like? What are the colts and fillies doing? I don't know; I don't see. And I want to see!

This fic has huge potential; I'd love to see it live up to it.

Fluttercheer

Fluttercheer #2 · Oct 25th, 2015 · · · Chapter One: Arrival ·

Excellent idea! I have my own theory about them and Starlight Glimmer and I'm sure they will run into each other one day.
It's written a bit fast, you pace it really quickly. But somehow, it has a certain charm to it the way you do it.
It's usually bad to write a story too fast, but here, it does seem to fit and the tempo gets made up for again by extremely fitting reactions.
Not every fast-paced story must be bad and I think the way you're doing it is just fine.
Continue on. I'm eager to read more. I hope you put out the next chapter soon!

ironkid1234