Mango Leaf vs. Rachis Barbule - by Mango Leaf's Author
Rachis Barbule levitated the map up to hover next to his head and looked from it to the sign, then back to the map before he rotated it 90 degrees, only to frown and rotate it again. "Huh."
He looked to the busy streets of the city and nodded to himself. "I think I'm lost."
He could imagine a miniature Gillette, standing on his shoulder shaking her head sadly. Already her voice was echoing in his head. Remember to get a tour, Rachis, Gillette's voice lectured. Don't go exploring on your own the first day! You always get lost!
It didn't help that she had decided to go explore on her own, and that the heat was unbearable and that he had forgotten his water bottle back in his room. But, he was here now, might as well spend some bits and get something to cool down and figure out where he was exactly.
He made his way down the single street, enjoying the myriad voices and walking among the locals. The best part of visiting a place away from Canterlot, was definitely the opportunity to smell the food, feel the breeze, and simply enjoy the culture around him. So different from his own, and yet, somehow similar. Maybe it was the language, mixed with words he did not understand, yet still his own for the most part, or maybe it was just having seen a mane salon along the road, or the familiar posters of an upcoming Wonderbolts show.
He noticed a wagon off the road, where several locals had gathered. Surprisingly, it wasn't the regular shaved ice that he had tried the day before when he had arrived in the island of Haywaii, but rather frozen yogurt. And it seemed to be doing well.
"So what do you want in the Fro-yo, auntie?" the unicorn behind the window asked his customer, who was apparently his aunt.
It was weird, how ponies here had so many cousins, uncles and aunts. Families must have been huge all over Haywaii.
"Oh, just throw da kine on it, Mango!" the customer said. "You know I don't care!"
Mango nodded and added three different things to it. Rachis tilted his head, trying to figure out what the ingredients were. He could only recognize the strawberries.
The customer picked up the cup with the fro-yo in it and happily made her way into the city.
"Oh, hey!" Mango called, smiling at Rachis. "You're not from around here, are you, cuz?"
Rachis frowned. "Are we related?"
Mango laughed. "No, no, sorry! I tend to go native when I stay here for a few days, we call just about anypony here 'cousin'. We're all a big family, you see."
"Ah!" Rachis nodded, as comprehension dawned on him. "So it's not that you have huge families!"
"That too," Mango said. "But it's a cultural thing, you'll get the hang of it."
Rachis nodded. "Well, yes, I'm a regular world-traveler, once I get some hints of how a culture works, I master it in no time!"
Mango grinned amiably. "I do detect a Canterlot accent," he said. "Are you from our dear capital?"
Rachis nodded. "Yes, me and my business partner, Gillette, decided to come visit Haywaii, now that winter is setting down in the main land." He blinked. "Oh, I'm sorry, my name is Rachis Barbule. I run a stallion's mane and tail salon in Canterlot."
"Pleasure to meet you," Mango said, extending his hoof out of the window and shaking Rachis' energetically. "Mango Leaf, fro-yo vendor at your service! And speaking of which, what can I get for you today?"
"Well, I'd like a yogurt with... what was it? Da kine on it? It looked good!"
"Da kine?" Mango Leaf blinked in confusion, then opened his mouth in realization. "Oh, you mean the strawberry, kiwi, mango mix I put on the one from earlier? Sure! That'll be five bits, please!"
Rachis nodded and reached for his saddlebag, and paused. His eyes widened and he twirled around, confirming his fears. His water wasn't the only thing left in his room. "Oh. Oh no. Mr. Mango? I'm afraid I'll have to cancel that order, I left my bits in the hotel room."
Mango shrugged and finished serving the fro-yo. "Here. On the house. Or on the wagon, whichever you prefer."
"Oh, but I simply couldn't—"
"Just try it," Mango interrupted. "You'll change your mind, I guarantee."
Not wanting to insult the vendor, Rachis nodded and tried the fro-yo. Once more, his eyes widened. An explosion of flavors waged war in his tongue. The sweetness of the strawberry, the tart flavor of the kiwi, the balancing effect of the mango, all combined in the amazing goodness of the yogurt's natural flavor, smooth and rich. Before he knew it, he was already trying another spoonful and humming in appreciation at the flavors.
"This is amazing!" He finally exclaimed, turning to look at Mango Leaf in awe.
Mango's grin hadn't left his face at all. "And that is what makes selling fro-yo worth it! That expression, right there!"
"You should mass-produce this!"
"I'll let Candy Cane know." Mango chuckled, watching Rachis finish the rest of his fro-yo. "So, how do you like Hoofululu so far?"
Rachis finished licking the bottom of the cup and nodded. "I like it! It's a beautiful city with... did you say Hoofululu?"
Mango nodded.
"But... I walked here from my hotel."
"I don't see how that's much of a problem," Mango said, tilting his head curiously. "We like to walk places here."
"But my hotel is in the island of Haywaii," Rachis explained.
It took a moment for Mango Leaf to process what he had just heard. "Wait, hold on. How exactly did you walk from another island to here? Did you cast some sort of spell?"
"No!" Rachis shook his head. "I didn't even notice any water on the way here!"
Mango slowly closed his mouth and pondered. "Wow, when you get lost, you get lost for real, don't you?"
Rachis opened his mouth to complain, but had to grimace and nod. "No wonder I couldn't find this city in my map!"
"Do you know..." Mango arched an eyebrow. "How to get back?"
"No. Well, yes! Actually, I do! I just walk back." Rachis replied, nodding firmly. He slumped. "Across the ocean."
Mango Leaf chuckled and nodded. "I'll help you out, cuz." He pulled inside his wagon, closing all the windows before walking out and folding down the bar and stools. "Anyway, since we're going makai, let's get some food. I'm starving!"
Rachis gave Mango a look. "I told you I left my bits in the hotel... I don't mind joining you for some food, but I'd rather not just watch you eat."
"Hey, you can pay me later, no worries," Mango said, waving his hoof. "Like I said, I'm going native. I need some Canterlot talk or the next time I'm in Ponyville or Baltimare I might call one of my friends 'auntie'. Won't that be confusing!" Mango said, taking the lead. "Anyway, how does a loco moco sound to you?"
"Questionable?"
"Perfect! I know the best place!"
"Soggy Patty!" Mango called, dragging Rachis into a small hut with several tables outside. "Two loco mocos!"
The bulky earth pony behind the counter nodded. "Coming right up!" he shouted back, throwing two patties onto the grill. He stared at them for a moment, then glanced over at Mango. "Cuz! You sure you want this hot as pele? Or should I freeze it for you?"
"Sure, the next time you want your fro-yo warmed up!" Mango called back.
His only answer was a laugh.
Rachis looked from the cook to the unicorn across in confusion. "But who would eat warm yogurt?" he finally asked.
Mango shrugged. "The same ponies that'd order a frozen loco moco." When he noticed the bewildered expression still on Rachis' face, he relented. "It's a joke at my expense: ponies think I only eat food that's either cold or frozen."
Rachis arched an eyebrow. "Do they, now? Why?"
"Because I think some things can be better served cold."
Before Rachis could reply to that, two steaming plates full of rice with a patty, gravy and an egg on top were placed in front of them. He looked at the plate in surprise and slight confusion. "This looks more messy than Soarin's wings after the gala."
"It does?" Mango asked, looking down at his plate. "I guess it might? I only read about it in the paper, and they didn't have pictures."
"I had to clean them." Rachis groaned at the memory.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Mango said shrugging. "But, hey, at least you seem to be on a first name basis with a Wonderbolt." He grinned. "I'll still bet that this tastes better than Soarin'."
Rachis rolled his eyes. "Okay, okay, I'll try it. I'll have you know that, having experienced dishes from all over Equestria during my travels, I've developed quite the palette for foreign food."
Conversation ceased as they both ponies dug into their dishes with gusto, enjoying the contrasting flavors and consistency of the ingredients as they cleaned their plates. The silence, broken only by munching, continued for a few minutes until at last, both unicorns pushed back and released a sigh of contentment.
"So! Whatja think?" Soggy Patty called from the grill, giving them both a confident grin.
"Broke da mouth!" Mango called back, rubbing his belly.
Rachis' eyes widened. "Oh, my! Does it hurt that much?"
"You can stop laughing now," Rachis grumbled, glaring at Mango Leaf. "And don't deny it. I can hear you chuckling."
"Sorry, sorry," Mango put up a hoof in surrender. "It just took me by surprise you misinterpreted that one."
"Well, excuse me for worrying."
Mango shook his head, but continued walking until they cleared the forested area they had been walking through.
Rachis stared in wonder. They were overlooking a lagoon, where the gem like quality of the water met powdery sand and then, as if that were not enough, all of it was surrounded by lush, vibrant green vegetation. "This is beautiful!"
"It never gets old," Mango agreed. "As much as I love travelling the world and taking fro-yo to the ends of Equestria, coming back home to sights like these is something I will always cherish." He pointed down to the other side of their vantage point, where Rachis could now see a small harbor. "Let's go down there, buy da kine to drink, and set out to your correct island!"
The pair made their way down a beaten path, with Rachis admiring the plumage of several birds he spotted. "What did you say that was called? An Orange Bishop?" he asked rhetorically. "Look at those colors! I wonder if I could make up a spell to imitate them?"
Mango chuckled. "You're really into the wings, aren't you?"
Rachis shrugged, studying the gray, black and yellow wings of another bird. "It's how I found my talent," he said. "I even invented a few spells for taking care of feathers and preening. Not that anypony cares."
"Hey," Mango said, looking up at him with a serious face. "You should always do what you love, and I'm sure the pegasi you take care of do care."
Rachis laughed, nodding. "They do," he agreed.
Soon, they reached the beach, and walked to one of the small huts close to the beach. "Hey cuz," Mango greeted a green-coated pegasus. "My friend and I would like two lava flows and a ride to Hawaii."
The pegasus blinked. "You know, Mango, my fishing boat is not a ferry service. And I know you don't want to pay for the trip."
"Ah, but that's because I have something better than money!" Mango chortled. "You have that big date with auntie Alani tonight, right?"
The pegasus frowned. "Yes?"
"Well, wouldn't you want to look amazing for her?" Mango asked, pushing Rachis a bit forward. "My friend Rachis happens to be an expert at preening! I'm sure he could give you some pointers so that you look maika`i!"
The pegasus stole a glance at Rachis. "He doesn't seem to enthusiastic about it."
Mango elbowed Rachis.
"I have to admit," Mango said as the coast of Hawaii approached slowly. "I have never seen my cousin looking that presentable. Whatever magic you used, Rachis, it was a work of art."
"Thank you, Mango," Rachis said with an acknowledging nod. "Although next time, please tell me in advance you intend to use my skills as a form of payment."
Mango laughed. "But your expression was worth it!"
Rachis rolled his eyes and started sipping his third Lava Flow of the night. "Damn, it's getting too soggy."
"Here," Mango's horn flashed and the cold consistency of the Lava Flow returned to it. "I specialize in fro-yo, but I can cool drinks like a pro."
Rachis was about to reply when he spotted something on the beach and paled. "Oh no."
Mango blinked and followed his gaze to the beach, where a female pegasus hovered angrily over the sand, staring in their direction.
"What, you know her?"
"That's Gillette, she's my business partner I told you about earlier, remember?"
Mango looked pensive. "But you never mentioned she was pretty, or that she was a mare at all."
Rachis blinked.
"Let me grab another Lava Flow," Mango Leaf said with a nod. "That filly needs a drink! And I need to get to know her better!"
Rachis watched with some detachment as Mango Leaf offered a drink to Gillette, just as she was about to make her way towards him. The pair talked for a moment, with the pegasus making motions in Rachis' direction, until Mango seemed to finally convince her to accept the drink.
Once Gillette had calmed down and stopped waving in Rachis' direction, she and Mango kept talking a little bit, and she seemed suddenly a bit shy. For a moment, he wondered if she was simply going to fly up to him and punch him, but when Rachis saw Gillette land, he knew Mango had somehow gotten through.
"Hey, Rachis!" Mango called, turning and sliding a hoof comfortably around Gillette's shoulders, who did not complain. "We're hitting the bar scene, want to come?"
"I will, but I'll head to the hotel first," Rachis shouted back, looking at the building in question, just a few blocks in. "Need my bits, after all!"
"Okay!" Mango said, starting to walk Gillette away from the boat. "Catch you later!"
Rachis nodded, finishing his Lava Flow before jumping onto the pier and starting to walk back to his hotel. A few minutes passed and he slowed down, blinking in confusion. "Wait. Where did the real lava come from?"
He pulled his map out and looked at it, then at the flowing lava, then back at the map.
"Huh." He put the map away and looked around him. "I think I'm lost."
The End
Rachis Barbule vs. Mango Leaf - by Rachis Barbule's Author
---------(-<@>-)---------
Gather around, little zebras, and I'll tell you a story.
It's time to learn history, your ancestors’ glory!
-----<@>-----
You all know the tale of the Dark Thousandth Year,
When Kingdom and Princess were bested by fear.
---<>---
For two decades more the Sun hid her face,
Until the six Elements restored her to place.
---<>---
But the story I tell you today is more common.
I speak of a zebra, Zecora the Shaman.
---<>---
One night the Moon said she was guilty of crime,
The details of which have been long lost to time.
---<>---
The dungeons of Nightmare were dark and quite cold,
And too many ponies within it grew old.
---<>---
But she did not complain and she did not despair,
Zecora brought comfort to cold prison air.
---<>---
She helped the poor inmates, gave them sound, good advice,
And helped them feel happy as they payed out their price.
---<>---
Two such poor souls came together one night,
Servants the Queen had sent out of her sight.
-----<@>-----
One was named Mango Leaf, a preparer of treats,
Who so loved to freeze things he hated hot sweets.
---<>---
His passion was Yogurt, a more recent invention
For which the Dark Queen would spare no attention.
---<>---
Her passion was Coffee, served fresh every night,
Which Mango thought wasn’t entirely right.
---<>---
Weary grew Mango of serving drinks hot,
So one night he concocted a drink-cooling plot.
---<>---
Unfortunately he forgot his Empress required
Her coffee be warm, and fresh from the fire.
---<>---
But on Mango went, chilled the drink with a smile.
“Iced Coffee!” he called it, with flourish and style.
---<>---
Needless to say, Nightmare Moon was fair cross!
Poor Mango straight into the dungeons was tossed!
-----<@>-----
The other new inmate had once served his Queen
By using his magic to keep her wings clean.
---<>---
This poor unicorn’s name was Rachis Barbule,
And he’d gone to great lengths to procure the best tools.
---<>---
He had combs, he had brushes, and spells well-prepared.
Her wings were his life, no expense had been spared.
---<>---
But one day, after applying perhaps too much oil,
The Queen met a spark, and his career met a foil.
---<>---
The Moon’s flaming wings were a breathtaking sight,
But in truth they caused Nightmare no lack of sheer fright!
---<>---
A charge of high treason found Rachis thereafter,
And he thought he had met with the end of his laughter.
---<>---
But his hope was rekindled, alongside Mango Leaf.
The kind words of a zebra put an end to their grief.
-----<@>-----
One night both woke sweating, and sat up in their beds.
Both had had Nightmares, dark dreams in their heads.
---<>---
They went to Zecora, who was known to make sense
When the Empress of Dreams a message dispensed.
---<>---
The Nightmare was wont to create fearful dreams
For her prisoners, for she loved the sound of their screams.
---<>---
But Zecora had found that much could be gleaned
From the nature and features of every such dream.
---<>---
To some the Queen gloated, and laughed at their luck.
Others she yelled at and tortured and struck.
---<>---
But in dreams, it would seem, you meet the true pony,
And the Queen of the Dreamworld could sort true from phony.
---<>---
These she would pity, it seemed from their visions,
As soon after waking they were frankly forgiven.
---<>---
And Zecora could tell, once a dream had been told,
If the dream was a pardon, a mock, or a scold.
---<>---
So when the moon rose up high and the inmates awoke,
To Zecora the two disgraced serving staff spoke:
---<>---
“Dear zebra, please help us and give our minds peace.
Are the two of us fated for early release?”
---<>---
“Calm yourselves, ponies! Speak one at a time,”
Zecora began, unerring in rhyme.
---<>---
“Tell me your dreams, but first tell me your crimes.
Your fortune may sink, but let’s see if it climbs.”
-----<@>-----
Rachis went first, telling tale of his life,
And how his profession was the cause of much strife.
---<>---
“The Queen was to meet with a King, old and grand,
The ruler of Haissan, a large far-off land.
---<>---
Now the preenist before me was jailed just as I.
His only crime? Failure! I just had to try!
---<>---
It was a special occasion, so I pulled all the stops.
I used my best oil, and squeezed six extra drops!
---<>---
By the end of my session, the Queen’s feathers shined!
The light off her wings near left me half-blind!
---<>---
It was really quite something, the best I could do,
And though I shook in my horseshoes, I hoped that she knew.
---<>---
But she sat at the head of the table that night,
A little too close to the hearth’s heat and light!
---<>---
Or maybe a candle she carelessly brushed
That took issue with oil that made her wings lush.
---<>---
Regardless of cause, her wings took to flame!
An assassin's attack? Was poor Rachis to blame?
---<>---
She accused me of treason, enchanting the oil,
To dethrone the tyrant, or bring war to boil!
---<>---
I should have plead innocent, it was none of it right!
But fear of the Empress kept my mouth shut tight."
-----<@>-----
"That's how I got here, now on to my dream.
In my sleep, wings of pegasi did I preen.
---<>---
How they shined! How we laughed! Oh, this had I missed!
I’d forgot just how much my old job brought me bliss.
---<>---
These years have I served her, and no one but her,
How I hate her black feathers, black hooves and black fur!
---<>---
In my dream I was free to serve whom I chose!
To my shop came the Wonderbolts, standing in pose!
---<>---
They promised me bits, and I sat them all down,
But behind them came Nightmare, through Canterlot town.
---<>---
She asked me to serve her, so I gave her a chair,
And told her that once I was done, I’d be there.
---<>---
But she would not wait! It had to be then!
She told me to abandon the Wonderbolt Ten!
---<>---
I told her I couldn’t, their business was good.
She ordered my service, but her voice I withstood.
---<>---
I helped all the Wonderbolts, no feather astray,
But to my sheer amazement, they flew off without pay!
---<>---
The Queen sat there waiting, as upwards they flew.
They gathered an army, a great bloody coup!
---<>---
I sobbed as I watched my dear Canterlot burn,
And the whole while the Nightmare watched beside me, astern.
---<>---
‘This whole thing might just not have happened, you know,’
She whispered as ash fell from high, just like snow.
---<>---
‘If you had just served me, and never looked back,
Your world would have order, and your life stayed on track.’
---<>---
I whimpered and groveled, as flames swept around me,
And promised I’d serve her my whole life, quite gladly.
---<>---
It was then I awoke, and I came when I could.
Now tell me please, zebra, does my outlook look good?”
---<>---
Zecora sat silent, and watched him with pity.
Too many, she thought, like him in this city.
---<>---
“I would not fear too much, my dear humble stylist.
Of the dreams I have heard, yours is by far not the vilest.
---<>---
In your case, you may have a pardon in store,
If you question the Empress’s rule here no more.
---<>---
I may not agree with the choice that you made,
But it may be what causes her anger to fade.”
---<>---
Rachis hugged Mango, and started to cry,
And from that moment onward did his spirits fly.
-----<@>-----
Then Mango Leaf turned to the kind, wise Zecora,
Still beaming from sharing in Rachis’s aura.
---<>---
“Oh zebra, please tell me my fate is the same!
My crime was much milder, involving no flame.
---<>---
I served the Queen coffee, night in and night out,
I spent all my time pouring it black from the spout.
---<>---
The kitchen staff is prone to Her Majesty’s vex,
And we all questioned constantly whom we would lose next.
---<>---
We worked very hard to keep the Queen’s favor.
In case we might bore her, we’d try out new flavors.
---<>---
My coffee was average, I feared, not the best,
And only got worse as my nights there progressed.
---<>---
My own little changes were met with distaste,
And Nightmare Moon told me ‘Improve it, posthaste!’”
---<>---
I despaired for my life, and my poor coffee skill,
And I longed for my old job, of making things chilled.
---<>---
My talent was wasted on brewing hot coffee!
I’m born for froze yogurt, iced tea, and cold toffee!
---<>---
I needed a way to twist talent to need.
In desperation, I followed my one simple lead.
---<>---
I’d serve her cold coffee, though my life might be ended!
It’d taste beyond better, be beverage transcended!
---<>---
My powers with cold stuff left other cooks wanting.
I knew if she’d try it, the Queen would be fawning!
---<>---
But that was the trick, as my shaking attested,
When I knocked on her door, my hope in hoof rested.
---<>---
She stared at the mug, and its sad lack of steam,
The ice cubes held within, and the layer of whipped cream.
---<>---
‘What callest thou this?’ she asked, o’er my tray,
And I felt all my confidence melting away.
---<>---
‘Iced coffee, Your Highness,’ I stammered in fear.
‘I’ll gladly explain, if you’ll lend me your ear.
---<>---
‘The coffee I make, as you surely have noted,
Is hardly redeemed by the stuff in it floated.
---<>---
‘My talent, you see, is more suited to freezing.
When I’m forced to brew hot, my skill is left wheezing.
---<>---
‘But when left to brew cold, as you’ll see if you taste,
My talent can shine through, and not go to waste!
---<>---
‘I promise this coffee, though cold and on ice,
Is the best that you’ve tasted, and brings out the spice!
---<>---
Well, that’s what I would say, if only I could,
But I was arrested as soon as she stood.
---<>---
So that’s how I got here, now on to my dream.
Dear zebra, please tell me, am I also redeemed?"
-----<@>-----
"In my dream I was home, Hoofolulu restored!
The sun shone down brightly, and I was happy once more.
---<>---
I sold treats from my cart, to the young and the old,
Gave relief from the heat with a snack that was cold.
---<>---
My family was there, and my friends all as well,
All the faces I think of as I sit in my cell.
---<>---
I cried as I served them, for I knew in my heart
That in the waking world Nightmare Moon kept us apart.
---<>---
And just as I thought this, the Sun sank down low,
and the Moon took its place with a far colder glow.
---<>---
A chill filled my bones that did not come from ice,
And my loved ones all scrambled, like cat-fleeing mice.
---<>---
I followed, not wanting to be left alone,
And we locked ourselves into my old family home.
---<>---
We waited together, our spirits quite dire,
And tried to keep cheer as we sat round the fire.
---<>---
I tried to serve yogurt, but no one was willing.
Without the sun, no one had want for my chilling.
---<>---
I went into the kitchen to clean up my mess,
And cried by myself for unbearable stress.
---<>---
When I came back to the fire, to my outrage and anger,
My family was gone! In their place sat a stranger!
---<>---
An old nag, as dark as the space between stars,
Who gave out a sad wheezing that rattles and jars.
---<>---
She cackled at my protests and grinned at my scowls,
And I gagged at the spittle that flew from her jowls.
---<>---
‘What’s wrong, boy?’ she asked me. ‘Do you not like the night?
Do you not love the respite from the sun shining bright?’
---<>---
‘Not really,’ I answered. ‘Each night it grows colder.
Can we not have it back, ere I grow too much older?’
---<>---
‘I’m afraid we cannot,’ the nag said with a leer.
‘You’ll learn not to miss it, inside of a year.’
---<>---
‘But my friends and my family have all gone away,
And my home is now darkened and cold without day.’
---<>---
‘If it’s home that you want, I think I can find
A place you’ll be useful, with others of kind.’
---<>---
‘Oh please, not to coffee,’ I begged the old housewife.
‘A life without passion is not hardly a life.’
---<>---
‘Are you sure you’ll not do it, and give it your best?
I promise you good work, you’ve not failed your test.’
---<>---
I stood there and pondered, my hoof to my chin,
Of chances and changes, and favors to win.
---<>---
Suddenly on top of the mantle I saw
In a mirror, a cup with a mango and straw.
---<>---
My Cutie Mark! My very own talent and passion!
My whole reason for living! My soul, in a fashion.
---<>---
I turned away from the Nightmare, for Nightmare she was,
And bucked her right out of my dream, just because.
---<>---
I woke straight away, and I came straight to you.
Now tell me please, zebra, will I go free too?”
-----<@>-----
Zecora was crying, as all free folk should,
When they meet such a pony, so valiant and good.
---<>---
But her crying was bitter along with the sweet,
The air grew so tense, she could hear her heartbeat.
---<>---
She smiled and she sniffed, and she rubbed at her eye,
For she knew she would soon have to bid him goodbye.
---<>---
This wasn’t the first time she’d heard such a dream,
With such courage and passion and love in its theme,
---<>---
And every last pony a dream like this had
Was gone the next day, to a fate that was bad.
---<>---
The Moon would not stand for defiance, not a bit.
Not even in prison, in the darkest of pits.
---<>---
In court, she passed sentence, or so it was claimed,
But true judgment came after, in the dreamscape she tamed.
---<>---
The Nightmares decided the fate of each soul,
From the most hardened criminal to the freshly-born foal.
---<>---
The nighttime brought darkness, o’er land and o’er life.
And under, dark feelings in the world had grown rife.
---<>---
Zecora knew, more than most, what was wrong with the world.
That is why she could tell how these things would unfurl.
-----<@>-----
She told Mango his fate, but she told him with pride,
For no matter his end, he stayed on the right side.
---------(-<@>-)---------
Abstain.
I have difficulty reading poems and the like, so I can't really vote on this one. But, Mango's author: I love how you referenced Candy Cane - it's almost like a continuation of the last round! I also liked how it started and ended in pretty much the same way. I got a laugh out of that.
Mango Leaf Author
I can't. I just can't.
Mango Leaf's Author
Ye gods, these two stories couldn't be more different! Overall, they concentrate on completely different things, but I do strongly feel that Mango's author wrote an actual story that involves both characters rather than being an exposition of their traits and some personality.
On Rachis's Story
What I liked: Dude. I could never write something like what you did. Talk about thinking outside the box! And you also went for an AU, which makes it even more outside. It was a bold choice, and the rhymes are excellent.
What I didn't like: Like I said above, this is a nice poem, but it's not really a story and it doesn't have the characters truly interact. It draws a bit from the previous story (vs Obvious Question) in that it's basically exposition of the character traits, rather than an exploration of them. They don't even talk to each other. The AU, although I liked it in some ways, also detracts a bit in that it separates it from a more relatable world.
On Mango Leaf's Story
What I liked: I've never been to Hawaii, so I had to look up some stuff online to find out that Honolulu really is not part of the island of Hawaii. Anyway, I liked the immersion into this distant land and the play on Rachis' tendency to get lost. The cultural additions via language and common expressions were also nice, and the fact that you made a shout-out to Candy Cane was nice and gives the story some sense of continuity.
What I didn't like: I feel the balance is tipped more to a Rachis' story, and Gillette is less of a character and more of a prop. I guess there's not much to do about it if you want to focus on Rachis and Mango, but there were a few hundred words left for you to add some character to her.
Rachis Barbule's Author
This is a very ambitious piece that explores a rather dark, alternate universe in verse. The story itself is creative, the writing is evocative and the rhyming couplets fit the fairy tale-like nature of the story very well. Despite poetry often being more difficult to read than prose, I felt the writing was more coherent in this story whereas I found the writing in the first piece to be quite clunky (e.g. the first sentence). My main criticisms of Rachis' piece is that the two characters don't interact much. While the first piece had some good, funny moments, the second piece had a higher degree of difficulty and was executed better.
Mango Leaf's author
I have to be honest. The story wasn't awesome, but it was readable. The poem, however, was a chore to read. I couldn't finish it. I probably couldn't stand to sit through an episode composed entirely of Zecora, either. I suppose the author took a risk, but it didn't pay off.
I think this was close.
Rachis Barbule's Author
It feels like Rachis' writing was much better (or poetry, really), and it told overall a much better story. The characterisation was great and nothing about the poem felt shoehorned, all the rhymes flowed naturally and it kept a constant rhythm throughout. I felt it did a great job of explaining a story within a greater context, and not feeling the need to explain every point of that context - for example, why Nightmare Moon was Queen, and where Celestia was, etc.
Was kind of unneccessarily dark though. Rachis' author could probably benefit a bit more from tapping into something that channels a lot more pleasant and powerful emotions then just unpleasant ones (in reference to round 1). I mean, this poem could have kind of been unfairly humorous - for example, Celestia or Luna throwing Mango in the dungeons because she got a brainfreeze from the yoghurt or something radically unfair, but it pursued this really weird dark path. Ultimately it was executed well but I think it could be better.
Mango Leaf's story was quite plain, although it did embrace the characters well. But unfortunately the local language of the Hawaiians (at least, I'm assuming that's what it was) was overused. I get it, Mango Leaf is a local, and it would be his language, but I think the author probably wrote him or herself into a corner by making Rachis' confusion over his language a focal point, as it happened 3-4 times throughout and ultimately proved kind of a 'yeah, yeah, get on with it' thing. The characterisation of Mango Leaf just felt kind of subpar. There was a lot of it, but I didn't feel compelled to like him any more then I did Rachis, who just seemed to bumble about. I think this was all due to a clear-cut lack of focus in the story - it just felt like 'a day in the life of', which doesn't really interest me.
Ultimately, a hard choice to make because of some really unfair reasons. I'm deeply sorry for that. I applaud Rachis for his creativity but suggest that he write something else, because I think, with a correctly-executed piece with a strong story, Mango Leaf would have won out here pretty easily.
Mango Leaf's Author
I don't know if I can vote now since I didn't vote in round one, but if I can, here it is
As other users have mentioned, the poem was really hard to slog through. It was nice, and done well enough, but it wasn't exactly a delight to read. It was too dependent on the couplet format and that hurt it in a few places.
and
6087238 As someone who is from hawaii and lived there for a huge chunk of his life, I can confirm that the locals actually speak like that (if even heavier sometimes)
It was funny to me though because I have never imagined ponies speaking pigin (the hawaiian/english mix on the islands), so as I read it I imagined a giant, burly Samoan dude compacted into a pony.
I dunno, maybe that's just me, but it was pretty funny. I think that's why Mango's ended up winning out.
Rachis Barbule's Author
Oh my gosh it rhymes
I laughed out loud for minutes. Not even joking. WandererD mentioned a poem but I didn't think it would be the WHOLE FREAKING ENTRY. Holy bold, Batman.
I thought the play thing from Round 1 was going to be the weird highlight of the contest (well, not counting Straitjacket's thing), but dang. Looks like there was more and crazier where that came from! But I wasn't wrong about Rachis's author bringing us something else entertaining.
While the rhyming couplets are super impressive (just look at that metering! That stuff is not easy!), that's not why I'm voting for Rachis here. Ignoring the elephant for a moment, Rachis's author told probably the most fascinating story I've seen so far in this contest. This guy just ponified Joseph in Egypt. Is that even legal? Can you crossover with the Bible? Props to him for making Mango and Rachis into the baker and the butler from the original story, and Zecora the dream-interpreting Joseph. It just all fit, like Minie and Haystacks in romance. And then that ending. That just gave me the fuzzies. Yeah, I need to go to sleep.
Cuz those feels. This thing was surprisingly deep, for a horsewords poem. Maybe it's just because it's 4 in the morning as I write this, or maybe because I love cryptic poetry and the like, but wow. Those dreams felt like dreams, at least to me. And I felt like both characters were portrayed very well, even if the only thing they did together was hug. The darkness of the thing actually did a lot to bring out parts of the OC's personalities that I think would never be explored otherwise.
Again, Mango's author did a great job as well, but I had some serious problems with it. I love the Hawaiian stuff and I was not expecting it (makes you wonder just how close to home the other OC's are for their authors), but the characters just weren't up to the job. Slice-of-life Rachis was done better by Obvious Question's author, though I do really like that Rachis got lost. That was something I really expected to see more of from his Bio. But Mango didn't really stand out from the other islanders, and Rachis's dialogue just felt weird. It was almost like the characters were written by two different authors. Mango's first mention of his frozen food thing was underspoken and felt real, but then Rachis says this:
It's almost like bragging, and he does it more than once. Just presents some information about himself that wasn't entirely relevant to the conversation.
I do like the nod to Candy Cane. That was just right, and didn't leave me feeling wrong-footed like Mizuko's graveyard thing.
Maybe I should read all the entries late at night. It's funner this way.
Mango Leaf's Author
I'm not too huge a fan of poetry.
Rachis Barbule's Author
Both stories were good, but aside from the sheer technical brilliance of the piece, Rachis' author told a deep, passionate story that dealt the choices ponies make and the sometimes dire consequences of staying true to one's self. It just blew me away.
Mango's Author's story was very engaging, as I've been a frequent visitor to Hawaii and love the local culture, attitudes and patois. (I'm also one of the rare non-Polynesians who genuinely likes poi!) Still, I felt it was pretty "safe" and didn't really challenge either the OCs or the author.
Mango Leaf's Author
I never thought I would be voting against a decently handled poem…
Okay. To anyone reading this: I fully expect to have missed a plot point/explanation or two in Rachis Barbule's author's story. The nature of it obviously made important information pass by very quickly and/or more difficult to interpret (even if I kept reading back over and over again—which I did have to, which did kind of suck). So if I say something wasn't explained and it actually was, or something like that, please correct me.
I'll start by saying that the rhyming and all in that entry was far more skillful than I've come to expect out of this fandom, and the length of the thing made it doubly impressive. There were a good many forced lines, though—meter would be killed,
tenses would shift,
pronunciations would be stretched beyond their breaking points,
and other little issues. But again, a lot of it was fine, and most folks would do a lot worse. No, my big issue with the piece is certainly not the rhyming, and it's not the choice to tell the whole thing through poetry—that was daring in a way that appeals to me, and that, at least, I found to have been fairly successful.
My big issue (or one of them) is that, beneath the poetry, Rachis Barbule's author pretty much did the same thing he or she did last round. We have a third party (Zecora here, Makepiece there) coaxing the two main characters into talking about themselves, with interaction between just those two kept to a minimum. Even more so here—Rachis and Mango don't say a word to one another, and I think there might have been only one or two lines where either seems to acknowledge that the other exists.
I recognize that, as I recall, there may not have actually been anything in the rules that said that the two principle characters need to interact—just that they both need to be present. But without that, what do we have? Two characters talking about themselves in an AU. An interesting AU, but that just rubs me the wrong way—all of the two characters' experiences that are unique to this story arise primarily from the fact that it's an AU, and not from the characters themselves. Once I started thinking about it in that light, it even felt like the AU might have been, in part, a flimsy pretense to get them both to be in the same place, because there isn't actually any explanation for how they both came to be working for Empress Nightmare (beyond the vague implication that she wanted them to, specifically, for some reason?).
Plus, as a minor note, the frame didn't make too much sense. What does any of that stuff have to do with Zecora's personal glory? It was made out to be just a day in the life for her.
Mango Leaf's author's entry, I wasn't utterly turned off by anything like all of that. I liked that both stories made reference to Hoofalulu and Mango's life there, when neither Mango story last round had done the same, and I liked the sprinkling of Hawaiian culture in Mango's author's entry specifically—though at times it felt a bit tangential. Could've been edited better, but all in all, I'd give it my okay.
Honestly, though, it felt a bit safe to me. That's something that Rachis' author certainly has going—being daring and having it pay off—while Mango's author seems to gear his or her entries to standard kinds of plots and inoffensive executions.
If Rachis' author makes it through, I'd want him or her to embrace the spirit of the contest a little more. If Mango's author makes it through, I'd want him or her to shoot for the stars a bit more… If we could could average these two authors together, we'd get either the very best or the very worst entry, I feel like.
Mango Leaf's Author Vote
I think that the poetry was pretty ballsy, but it was a bit of a slog to read, no matter how well done it was. Since it wasn't really a story, and it felt like a bit of a chore to read, I'm going with Mango Leaf, which had merits of its own that I enjoyed. Rachis' author took a gamble, but I don't think it really paid off in votes, but it gets respect.
Mango Leaf's Author
Let me go on record saying that I can appreciate a good poem, especially one that rhymes. That said, poems aren't particularly suitable for character-driven plots, rather, for atmosphere and visceral story-telling. Rachis' author's entry fails to break that mold, as the characters aren't explored in any meaningful way.
Mango Leaf's author's entry wasn't the strongest, but for what it was, it did a fairly decent job of portraying the characters as true to their profiles in a way that kept me engaged for being a character driven piece.
6089115 That's actually a good point about Zecora. By the time the focus shifted away from her I realized it was the story of Joseph in Egypt, and I just took the framing for granted after that.
I'd love to see more from Rachis's author just to see what they do next, but after this one I think another left-field execution would go against them. And it also makes me wonder if they would do as well writing something more "normal."
Mango Leaf's Author
I feel sad about this vote, because I feel like I'm actually voting for the inferior story. Rachis's author's poem was a thing of beauty—a fascinating glimpse into a fascinating world. But that's just it: the setting took precedence over the characters. It felt like the author wanted to show off this interesting alternate universe they'd invented and just used Rachis and Mango in it so it would qualify in the contest. It would've been a stronger story outside of this contest with different, more suitable characters chosen. As it stands, it's a great tale, but not one tailored to this contest.
I have little to say on Mango's story. It was decent enough, but I'd suggest the author brush up on their technical skills a bit more. I noticed a fair few errors. The plot itself was nothing extraordinary, but it did showcase both characters pretty well.
Also, the fact that you pushed Rachis's tendency to get lost beyond its logical extreme was totally hilarious. Well played!
Rachis Barbule's Author
Here's the best I can offer.
Your story was light on the two interacting, but I quite enjoyed your unique reenacting.
Inserting Zecora, bold as it was, unhinged my immersion in your story's cause.
But that did not last as the dreams you recounted captured my mind, which ain't often surmounted.
Ethereal lines dealt with flowing, clear diction suited the subject, and in turn, your depiction.
With this final thought on your entry profound, I hope you'll endure 'till the Ultimate Round!
Hold up hold the fuck up there are ponies eating loco mocos in this story what the Faust is going on here
and i just the "hot as Pele" joke this is unacceptable what i dont
Rachis Barbubalubaloo
For the sheer effort of an almost consistent poem, and because someone has to recognize how cringey the Hawaii shit is and vote accordingly.
This is really unfair and I might go back and change my vote later. See, a few voters know enough to know what a loco moco is, but I'm typing this on my phone while waiting at a bus stop on Ala Moana Blvd, and I'm grinding my teeth at the sheer nerve of having a character sling "da kine" in a sentence with perfect grammar. To other people this was "worldbuilding"; to me it's cutesy and inept. I do appreciate the joke of how lost Rachis can get, though.
CULTURAL APPROPRIATIONNNNNN
Mango Leaf's Author
Rachis Barbule's Author had a very creative entry, and I commend him for that; I feel that more authors in this contest should try something different instead of writing a standard story set in modern Equestria. That being said, at the end of the day I still have to judge the entry according to criteria set by the contest, and one of the major ones is the quality of interaction between the two OCs. Rachis Barbule's Author's story did not have any interaction between the characters, and I would rate his writing quality on par with Mango Leaf's Author, whose story had more humour and some nice character interactions (I also liked the reference to Mango's previous opponent, Candy Cane). Thus, at the end of the day, no matter how much extra consideration I give to creativity, I cannot ignore the fact that Rachis Barbule's Author failed to address one of the central aspects of the contest.
Rachis Barbule's Author
Mango Leaf's author
The story didn't really do anything for me--it wasn't particularly memorable. Rachis kind of felt like comic relief in the story, but then so did Mango. The characters felt uninspired, and the dialogue felt off. The pidgin/vernacular/whatever read like it was thrown in as an afterthought. Really, the only chuckle you got out of me was at the very end.
Rachis Barbule's author
First off, let me say that I generally dislike poetry. I've got a degree in theatre, but I don't like Shakespeare. So believe me, when I scrolled down and saw your entry, my first thought was "Oh, God, it's a poem. And it's long."
But I've got to disagree with some of the other voters. You took a hell of a risk, and for me, it paid off. Your story held my interest all the way through in a way that your competitor's did not. That having been said, your story didn't really do anything characterization-wise.
EDIT: Okay, I didn't really express myself all that well in the comment above. Tempting as it is to delete it and start anew, I might as well serve as a warning to others. I'd say blame Mondays, but I ought to know enough to read what I wrote, and think about how it might be received before I hit the green button.
In a nutshell, these were the deciding factors:
Mango's entry just fell flat for me. I didn't get the vernacular, and I didn't get into the characters at all. I had real trouble putting myself into the setting, and since I'm a very character-driven reader (and writer, I guess), that was the death knell. When I was done, the only thing I took away from it that I didn't know before was that Rachis got lost a lot, and for some reason I kept thinking of Tom Selleck whenever Mango spoke.
Now, I didn't mean to imply that Mango's author isn't a capable writer, or that he has no grasp of Hawaiian culture--I don't know anything about Hawaiian culture, and I've never been there. That might be exactly what it's like.
Rachis' entry held my interest throughout, and I found I had no trouble imagining the setting, despite the paucity of words--that may actually have been a point in its favor. Sometimes it's not what an author says, it's what he doesn't. Poor life choices in my past may have also played a part in that. But what sold it for me was that it was in a form I was predisposed to dislike, and yet when I read it, it just popped off the page into something that was greater than the sum of its parts.
When it came to the vote, though, that was a problem. Overall, Mango's entry had more interaction between the characters (obviously), and was able to fit the little character quirks in which so often make or break a character, while Rachis' was more of a moral tale, and the two characters realistically could have been anybody (hence the poorly-worded bit above about "lack of characterization.") It's something I don't think would work more than once.
So--and my original comment does not properly reflect this--I had a dilemma. Should I vote for the story which technically met the rules of the contest but which I didn't like at all, or should I vote for the story which held my interest, even if it didn't provide that second layer of detail which really makes a character pop?
In the end, what it came down to was that I could not, in good conscience, vote for a story which utterly failed to interest me, because in my opinion, at the very heart of the matter, a story needs to engage the reader, and Rachis' did that for me.
Rachis Barbule's author
That was fucking lovely. Honestly. I see everyone commenting on how the poem was a "slog"--I don't see how, unless you don't like poetry. For me, it was leagues more enjoyable than Mango's, which just left me bored.
Mango Leaf's Author
This was a tough decision. Ultimately, the poem's negatives outweighed its positives. I would have liked to see the two characters interact with each other and maybe a bit shorter. I struggled to focus on the poem, whereas the first story really kept my attention. That said, you did a fantastic job with rhyming and putting a great spin on an old Biblical story, so major props there. But I have to agree with the earlier comments: the poem, while ambitious and, admittedly, very creative, took a while for me to get through, and it really didn't accomplish very much in the way of an actual story.
MANGO LEAF’S AUTHOR
Mango Leaf vs. Rachis Barbule
Liked: The heavy dose of Hawaiian culture.
Disliked: Okay, I get it, his aversion to warm food is a reasonable one. :P
Rachis Barbule vs. Mango Leaf
Liked: That you actually wrote this much poetry in this span of time.
Disliked: POETRYYYYY
6096302
Or is this just an attempt to blow smoke and cover your identity? :V
Mango Leaf's Author
I, as so many others, must give you absurd props for the poem. Was it perfect? No. Was it probably the wisest decision here? Definitely not. But you did it, you did it fairly well, and I must tip my hat to you in that regards.
However, when you remove the structure of the story and just look at the story itself, it's a great big no thank you. I just didn't enjoy it, despite enjoying how you were telling it. I'm not sure why you dislike them so much, 6096302, because the little cultural touches in Mango's story were handled very well. Knowing what they were would enhance the experience, but not knowing them didn't really take it away. And they made sense in context, regardless.
I found the old 'getting so lost the ocean is no barrier' joke a bit eeeh, though. But the interactions were nice, the humor evident. Beyond that, good job. To both of ya, if for different reasons, heh.
Mango Leaf's Author
Because, you know, it's the entry that's an actual story. The poem, while truly a great bit of work, isn't enough of a story, in terms of the contest. The characters hardly interact at all, if at all, and I found it difficult to get a firm grip on their characters because of the constrictions of writing a poem.
Mango Leaf's Author
While I certainly applaud the latter story for breaking the mold, I'm afraid it doesn't convey an effective narrative. As others have already noted, it doesn't really dive into the characters, since by nature it is being told from a third-party perspective, and by nature poetry erects certain barriers between it and its audience which I don't think this particular poem overcame. All that said, is always better to make an error of commission rather than omission, and again, I can't fault the latter story for trying something innovative.
6104687
Brah, no kama'aina goin' talk dat fake kine pidgin, and if one haole wen' try li'dat, ho, he goin' die. Mango stay one haole for real.
But watevahs. You go vote all haole kine, das your kuleana.
Granted, I would probably get beat up too if I said that out loud in front of the wrong people, and it's definitely trying too hard to be thick pidgin, but I will say with total confidence that "just put da kine on it, you know I don't care!" should be either [eh, jus' give 'em da kine] or [*shrug* da kine.]
And even that's not correct. You'd actually say "da kine" if you expect the other person to know what you mean i.e "pass me da kine" if they're holding your wrench and you need it back.
I also happen to be Japanese-American, third generation, and the way I feel about Mizuko being an ama (diver) is the same way I feel about Mango having his loco moco "hot like pele."
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6105762
Alright, now that I've got some stable Wi-Fi and some time to kill, I can finally get this off my chest.
You've all heard some saying to the effect of "Don't break the rules until you know them," right? Usually referring to someone like Picasso? Now, whether Rachis's author knows them or not (probably), you can't say that breaking the rules never works. I voted for Rachis because I thought his author followed the spirit of the contest, even if the characters didn't interact much, or if it was very strong third-person, or nothing happened but exposition. I knew as soon as I saw poetry and AU together that this was going to be different, so I can't fault it just for being different in some things and not others.
The reason I voted for this story is the same reason I didn't vote for either of the other two AU's: it used the AU to enhance the story instead of just as a backdrop. A lot of you have said it doesn't, but think about this:
If another author (say, Evergreen or Falcata) had killed off their opponent' s OC in their normal, more "canon" setting, how would you have responded? By abandoning the "canon" universe of the characters, Rachis's author was able to do more to them, like give serious, lasting consequences their choices that would be impossible to include otherwise. Doing that opens up a deeper level of the characters than any other entry has been able to show.
At the core, both of these characters are basically the same: black sheep who go against what's expected of them by their families to pursue a unique talent. Everything else is comparatively superficial, but normal stories can't usually look deeper.
To write a story about both characters, unless you're writing something really lighthearted like Evergreen/Lunar Glint, you can either compare (Minié Ball/Streamline) or contrast (Minié Ball/Haystacks) those core traits, pretty much depending on how similar they already are. Rachis's author does another thing differently by contrasting two nearly-similar (at the core) characters, and it's only possible because of the AU.
Rachis's author puts both characters in the same situation: they've fallen out of grace and Nightmare Moon will either forgive them or condemn them based on how they act in their dreams (which is an idea I love, btw). In the dreams, we see what's really important the characters beyond what they do for a living: Rachis values peace and order above everything and might even be a bit of a coward, and Mango would rather die than give up his freedom. It doesn't get any deeper than that! The only story-related issue I can think of is that this interpretation goes a bit too far beyond the character sheets, but I can't honestly say I don't appreciate that, too.
I also think a story this serious wouldn't have worked as prose. Making it rhyme lightened it up just enough to let us swallow the dark stuff. I don't blame anyone for voting Mango because they don't like poetry, since that's a risk Rachis's author had to know they were taking when they made that choice, but all you guys who say there isn't enough story or character exploration in Rachis's poem might want to take another look. Maybe expand your definition of "character exploration" beyond "characters have an interesting conversation or two and react to something interesting happening." There's more than one way to do things, and to judge a poem like this the same way you judge a normal entry is a little unfair.
:gets off soapbox:
6106664
Are you saying a normal story can't, but this one did? Because if so, I disagree with you in that I feel that point didn't come up at all, and if not, I don't see why you raised it. Unless it was just a lead-in to the point about Rachis' author having decided not to compare them despite them having been "similar", in which case I'd argue that the point about Mango having decided to pursue a cold-things talent when his parents had "tried to encourage him to do something warm" seemed pretty benign compared to Rachis' experience. It, too, is a superficial comparison, in my eyes.
Allow me the pretension to quote myself from the comment of mine you're responding to: "all of the two characters' experiences that are unique to this story arise primarily from the fact that it's an AU, and not from the characters themselves." Riddle me this, Aurora: if Mango had spoken first and had the dream he had except that he accepted the Nightmare's offer, and Rachis spoken second and had the dream he had except that he bucked the Nightmare out of it at the end, would it have been any more or less representative of the characters? The most story-relevant bit of characterization—the two characters' ultimate actions—were entirely interchangeable, in my eyes. I feel that the only reason Rachis' author went for one over the other was that it would've come off weirdly self-absorbed if Rachis had been the one to heroically stand up for his principles and Mango the one to give in. It arose from the AU setting rather than the characters, more than anything, and in that sense I feel that it's pretty weak.
We swallowed the zombies just fine, didn't we?
Here, I agree with you in principle. As I said last round on the Loosestrife/Caps Lock entry, I thought folks were too concerned with things like having the characters resolve differences or impact each other or even have arcs. As I said in my comment here, though, my big issues with the lack of interaction were A.) that beyond the poetry and AU, this story was structured exactly the same as Rachis' author's previous entry, with things like the lack of interaction just made even more extreme, and B.) that without that interaction (and perhaps even if the interaction had been there, but with all other things being equal), all we have is two characters talking about themselves in an AU. You could stick practically any of the contest's OCs into this situation, with the specific dream they have and crime they committed being tailored to them, because neither of these characters factored at all into the others' story and so the story as a whole didn't depend on the characters.
Respectfully disagree. A gimmick of the storytelling shouldn't be grounds to award it special exemptions, only praise.
vote: Mango Leaf's author
Mango Leaf's Author
Honestly, both of these stories were great. They both really seemed to do both characters really well and were well written to boot. But in the end, I'm going with Mango Leaf's story for 2 reasons.
1. Mango's story involved lots of interaction between the two characters. As good as the story and poetry was in Rachis's story, it involved more interaction with Zecora and the two characters than between the two characters themselves.
2. Mango's story relied on having the 2 OCs carry the story, whereas Rachis's story relied on Nightmare Moon and Zecora to provide the motivation for the two. I personally find this very problematic; the two OCs should be able to carry a story by themselves and not have to rely on other characters to prop the story up. Had this been a story about the two dealing with Nightmare's rule and working/talking with one another, that might have made it more in line with the contest's intents.
However, I do feel the need to give a lot of credit to Rachis's author for doing something different for this contest. The poetry was actually very nice and certainly told a moving story. It's just that within the constraints of this contest, it doesn't quite fit the parameters. But as a stand alone story, it is very good.
Mango Leaf's Author
I appreciate the poem, and I thought the Joseph dream-interpretation style of story was a nice touch, but at the end of the day, it didn't feel like much of a story. Mango Leaf's entry was pretty solid on all fronts, so it easily got my vote.
And after looking at JohnPerry's post and the time (3:30 AM), I think that'll do it for me. Some really strong stories this round, and maybe next time, I won't procrastinate so much.