- Member Since 14th Aug, 2013
- offline last seen Apr 23rd, 2018
Night Music
Here I am, back at it again, doing absolutely nothing.
Night Music
Joined 14th Aug, 2013 ·
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- Rogue Scout · 31k words · 36 9 · 870 views
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10/10 would read again,
Don't mix first-person and third like that. Find one perspective that works for you and the story, and stick to it.
Mixing and matching like that is not only really jarring, but looks really sloppy as well.
And descriptions are not your enemy. Right now, the only thing we know about your stories protagonist is that he's A, male, B, human, and C, his super-duper robot-suit has valves of all things near the hands.
Valves.
thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/gammal-ventil-16749867.jpg
On a point where you can easil get them stuck and snagged on stuff!
That, and actually wearing something that's a known radiation hazard?!
I don't think you've meant the protagonist to be an idiot, so you might want to rethink quite a few design choices like that. Given the whole special attack that's basically a rather nasty cooling cycle used offensively, wouldn't the suit slowly heating internally make more sense then... well, radiation?
Heat-stroke would make far more sense than radiation poisoning as well, since the later doesn't give you hallucinations but the former can.
Still, the basic idea of 'dude with self-designed but semi-unsafe power armor' isn't bad at all, and your spelling/grammar are both quite decent.
Right now this thing still needs quite a bit of work, but if you actually put that in this might actually be a fun story.
6055587 Thank you for the feedback! The first person thing was just for that moment, I don't know why but I couldn't write in any other way at the time, I'm currently sticking with the third person.
The whole chapter itself was just a setup for the character, I was thinking that I could give a little bit more detail in the next. I might just get rid of the whole radiation problem like you said, and just keep the heating issue, since you do make a good point.
The story itself was something I was toying around with not really taking it seriously since everyone who reads my stories seems to like my comedy more than action, seeing as how I am pretty bad at writing it. But since it seems people are enjoying this I will start taking it more seriously and working on it a bit more.
6054607 But wait, there's more!
6055737 BILLY MAYES GET OFF NIGHT MUSIC'S ACOUNT
6055758 No, we're gonna party like it's 19.95!
6056422 DAMN IT BILLY
I was hoping for Dr. Doom myself.
oh this is great when's next chap scheduled
6064333 I don't rightly have a schedule, with school and the end of the year, I usually just start writing when I have the time to. Sorry, but don't worry, I won't leave this alone that long.
...You do realize the current land-speed record is just shy of above Mack one, right?
Using a rocket-car. It's barely even a car as we know it, but two jet engines with a seat.
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/0/06/ThrustSSC_front.jpg/1280px-ThrustSSC_front.jpg
I'm sorry, but even with a once in a life-time genius reaching that speed through science and running is just utterly ludicrous.
That, and quite a few have actually done the math on RD's Mack cone, and she's far faster than Mach two.
i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb209/valhallen-7/Mathboom1.jpg
Just to use one of the simple and straightforward ones.
So, yeah, I'm sorry, but the dude really should have been beaten so hard his great-grandchildren had bruises.
(Unless the twist is that he's a savant in magic that just sees the world through a lens of science, but I haven't gotten that vibe yet.)
6065726 rack.1.mshcdn.com/media/ZgkyMDE0LzA0LzE4LzdkL0F3a3dhcmRTZWFsLjljMzdlLmpwZwpwCXRodW1iCTEyMDB4NjI3IwplCWpwZw/f1f9a799/ecf/AwkwardSeal.jpg I thought this was a fictional story set in a land of magical technicolor horses. And about a man with a suit made of some mystic stuff. But apparently I gotta be knowledgeable in land speed records and the speed of one of the said technicolor horses. While I do find your point valid, this is a story not really supposed to be based around realism. Crazy stuff happens, jokes are said, that sort of thing.
I'm sorry if I've offended you in any way, it's just that I have no clue what I should do about it. If I make Rainbow Dash go the speed you had said, and let the character even have a chance at winning than this would be even more ludicrous. I could even let the character lose and not even come close, but that isn't interesting. Well, not to me at least. I can't quite speak for the people who would read it.
I'm open to suggestions if you have any, but so far, I really don't have any that would allow what you had said to be a thing. Again, crazy stuff happens, jokes are said, end.
6056476 Billy Mayes here with some more wood cleaning action!... the YTP has gotten to me
6074274 I SWEAR ON ME MUM.
very good, Twilight doesn´t seems to be able to controle him completely.
10/10 moar
6079331 And I shall make moar.
mlpforums.com/uploads/post_images/sig-3826627.img-3657636-1-soon-sweetie-belle.jpg
6079343 Naow?
6079346 No, not naow.
41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbwym3qD5U1rv1sqzo1_500.jpg
6079364 naow?
6079478 Not naow.
vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/safari-zone/images/c/c1/Soon-horse.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130627171445
And when I say soon, I mean some time between this week and next week. But still. Soon.
6079515 how about naow in 3 days?
Fallout New Vegas: Old World Blues; reference much?
6079769 crossover tag for a reason.
Loved that game so hard!
6079524 Sure, I can do that. That or the weekend. School and all. Only reason I got one out today was because I slept in and missed.
6080395 I don't even have school
moar?
Still don't know what this is a crossover with...
6094985 A very light crossover with New Vegas of the Fallout series. Mostly the Old World Blues DLC. It'll become apparent farther in.
6094899 I'll start on Tuesday, the end of school and all, but I've got summer school. None of that will majorly get in the way though.
So...
i1185.photobucket.com/albums/z344/buspainter2005/SoonHorse.jpg
6095291 soon
he got angry, nice....i am curious if he can at least get a little bit of a punishment for Twilight, maybe Celestia can make up a test, saying she wanted to test Twilights curiosity, and that she failed the test, because she touched his suit.
6095550 Now you're gettin' it! :D I never give a specific date, lest I forget and anger someone.
6096528 FUCKING SOON]
6095872 I was thinking about having John trap her in his suit while in lockdown mode, and Celestia, somewhat understanding of his anger places an enchantment on the suit not allowing Twilight to do anything with her magic. How about that? (If you read it.)
6096537 that sounds not bad, but i guess if it would work, then it should be a secret trap or something, this way it would scare her more, i mean it sounds like you would give her the punishment later, and not right now. However, i guess it would work either way,
Is Applejack still there?, i have nothing against it, i just expected her to attack him or something like that, for saying that to Apples. Not that it would be a rule, i like it if something is different, but i am suprised that there is no reaction at all.
Nice to have once a punishment for Twilight.
6121670 I don't imagine Applejack was ever there. (Not yet anyways) There was Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Twilight, Spike, and Celestia.
6121721 aahhhh okay, there are always some things i don´t remember, but then i could barely stop myself to read more than i can remember afterwards, i mean to many different storys.
Then again i maybe just read to fast, and then i don´t know if she was there or not, however thank you.
6121807 I know that feeling.
MOAR NAOW
6121874 I was just about to start another chapter. And it will be out,
(Have this badly edited picture that I didn't draw, but I did add the text :D)
cdn-img.fimfiction.net/story/k9oe-1434997673-273693-full
Hahaha
s.quickmeme.com/img/b4/b45ddcc9b553f730401d7b2687290b06b6ce09aee7f760b15baac304a35495a9.jpg
6122598
i.imgur.com/8vcBhYZ.gif
nice XD
Hmm...this is interesting, but it has a serious flaw. You're skipping perhaps a full half of the story with the strong lack of descriptions and fleshing out of things, or skipping a reaction entirely.
Most notably, there is no real sense of his response to The Stare at all. Fluttershy just does it, then he picks her up and asks her not to do it again. There was no touching on his reaction or emotion. This is kind of a glaring oversight in regards to fleshing out the story.
As I said, this is interesting so far, but you're lacking a lot of substance in regards to characters and reactions. Without such things, there's little real depth to explore and not much for a reader to connect with the characters. Put some more effort into expressing the non-verbal aspects of the story and it'll sing much brighter.
6122910 The whole no reaction to the stare thing was kind of what I was going for, after a number of chapters and a giant not-so (or maybe it will be) expected reveal later and go back to see it from his point of view. But I will try to improve on giving the characters more depth than just, "Oh, this happened."
Not sure if that was what you were saying but that's what I read.
Still interesting. I'll keep watching.
Best way to end a chapter EVER!!
, please let him resist a bit longer, if they should want his help, he said nope, and it would be funny if he should really just sit down, and wait a moment.
This is funny, and it would be bad if the next chapter would suddenly start in the middle of the fight or somethin like that, this happened once already, somewhere else.