- Member Since 1st Jun, 2015
- offline last seen Jan 16th, 2019
Rogue Scout
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
Rogue Scout
Joined 1st Jun, 2015 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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The first thing that got my attention when I started reading this: it's grammatically correct in nearly every way. That's pretty rare on this website. As well, the story so far makes sense. The protagonist acts as one would expect a person in such a situation to, and you've given him a good (not literally) personality. So far, on the story's build, we're looking at a perfect 10. Keep it up.
6046423
I feel like I must interject, here, mainly because this comment was why I decided to start reading this story. The only reason this statement is correct is the inclusion of the word "nearly." While I am impressed with the grammar, a lot of the sentences in this chapter weren't sentences at all, but clauses! I can understand the stylistic choice of short sentences, but the author uses full stops in numerous places where it would only be grammatically correct to use a comma. I'll quote one here, but there were at least a dozen instances in this short chapter:
This should be one sentence, like: "I discovered that the books were all completely out of order, which was understandable for the books on the floor but the books on the shelves had no right to be that way." The last two sentences aren't grammatically correct sentences on their own.
6046134
Er, I don't know, but I would guess not? There's no gore tag, and if you were referring to the "torn apart" comment in the description, I think that was meant figuratively, not literally.
Interesting. There are some grammatical problems - clauses shouldn't be sentences, and maybe you should just use regular paragraphs, but it looks okay so far. I'll follow this.
6047301
Hence why I said "nearly". I would much prefer that over blatant misspellings and downright clunky-sounding writing (not that there aren't a couple of places in there).Let me correct all of that. After reading your comment, I went over the first chapter again, followed by the second. Maybe I was more tired than I'd thought or something, because a lot of errors started to stand out to me all of the sudden. You were right about what you said, as well as what LittleKahn said. The whole oddly structured paragraphs were a bit grating, as well as the lack of commas and other things.
As for the author I have this to say:
I'll use this as a prime example to help you correct some other errors in this chapter and the previous. To start off, instead of making each of those points a separate two sentences, you could very well use a colon in their place at the first period. Additionally, I don't know if it's a formatting error, but just make this all one paragraph without any extra lines. Also the part about sleeping with food in their stomachs is a little clunky and overall unnecessary. I would either remove it, or rework it to better fit the sentence. So corrected I think (unless Stone Mason says otherwise) it would look something like this:
6047301 That. Is not wrong. I'll go through the chapters and make some changes.
6047704 You have pointed out my errors sir. When I sat down to write this I decided to do something a little different in my writing. The result was short sentences, lots of short sentences. [Insert response from above.]
6048194 Ah yes, I may have gone too far with my mature tagging and ignoring the gore tag. I am planning to include some quote 'Gory' stuff. But until I actually write it and put it in the story, it shall remain as just mature.
>Sees some creepy eldritch abomination
>Decides to get closer
I like this guy, he is badass. Clueless, but badass.
It might just be me, but i feel like one of these words doesn't fit...
Enjoying the story by the way.
Your writing here seems better compared to other chapters. Don't know if that's just me or what, but in any case nicely done.
6220835 Probably because I'm somewhat new to writing. As I write my ability to do so improves and the quality of my work does the same.
I'm sure there's a word for that but I can't remember what it is.
Poor Clyde/Jim. So, was Jim infatuated with Sherry?
6226702 I wouldn't say that Clyde/Jim was infatuated, more that he was developing a crush on Sherry.
Though, given how long it takes men to fall in love, that case could certainly be argued.