One - It Begins

Chapter One.
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It Begins

Okay, this is my last resort. I need something hard. Something set. Something that I can look to that makes sense. This empty book and the ink I write into it should serve as that object.
My name is Sherry, I need that to be set too. It’s who I am. Even if it is the name of a drink. I can’t remember what my last memory was before waking up here. I woke up in a wooden room with a killer ache in my neck.

It was light outside, which confused me. I don’t sleep into the day. I just don’t. I’m one of the dreaded morning people, never up after eight. The light was shining through a window pane in a door and the window right next to it. When I looked outside I saw some grass, some buildings and some ponies. All multicoloured. Some were wearing some kind of clothing and at least four were wearing dresses. They all moved around like they had somewhere to be. Interacting with each other. Like people.
That didn't make sense to me. In the world I knew ponies were things that little girls rode when they still weren't big enough to ride horses. They didn't go around like people and their colour scheme was limited to anything between black, white and brown.
Needless to say I did not go outside.

Instead I turned away and tried to gather my thoughts. I still wasn't familiar with the room I was in, so I looked around. There were shelves built into the wall of the room, which was circular, and books on them. I feel that the people that built this room could have been more efficient with the spacing of the shelves.
These shelves only took up about a third of the space on the walls. Judging by the books this was a library. There were two tree trunk tables around the sides and there was a wooden ladder too. One of the tables had an open book on it that I didn't look at and there was a wooden staircase leading up to the second level.
One thing kept me puzzling though. The room was made of wood but it had no floor boards. The wall didn't have any kind of wallpaper on them but it also didn't have any kind of wooden boards, just wood. Then I realised that the building wasn't built from a tree but was actually a ridiculously large hollowed out tree.
That made me pause for a second.

Eventually I gathered myself enough to look upstairs. And luckily not a moment too soon. As I was about halfway upstairs the door started opening and voices drifted through.
I’m not ashamed to say that I bolted up the stairs immediately. After successfully concealing myself from the view of downstairs. I realised that the voices were speaking a language I recognized. Considering that I only knew one language. I was curious.

“That is definitely a library book you found. But why did you have to drag me along?” The first voice asked. It was a female voice that sounded a bit husky by standards.

“Because Dashie.” A second voice replied. This one was also female and much more upbeat. “I made a Pinkie promise to old Bookie to return all library books I found before he left for Manehatten. And after this I want to prank Ditzy.”

I braved a look at the lower floor. There were two ponies. One was pink and had a tangle of hair on her head that defied gravity. The other one also defied gravity, only to a larger extent because it was floating in the air. It took a second of staring to figure out how. It had these really small wings that by rights shouldn't be able to keep it up. But they were. Physics breaking features aside, the pony was coloured blue with a hairstyle that I can only describe as ‘prismatic’.

The prismatic haired pony, that I had paired with the name Dashie rubbed her front hooves together. “Hehe. Now that’s something I’m down for. Pinkie, when do we start?”

The Pink pony, now paired with the name ‘Pinkie’ said “As soon as this book is where it’s meant to be.”

“Give that to me. I wanna prank.” Dashie said before swiping the book from Pinkie, then flying around the room so fast that she generated a light trail and strong winds. These strong winds tore books from their shelves and lasted for five seconds.
When things settled, Dashie was standing triumphantly in the middle of the mess and Pinkie had a book in her hair. I was frozen in my vantage point.

“I put it with the other books.” Dashie stated. “Lets go prank.”

Pinkie shook the book from her hair. “I don’t think that’s what old Bookie said when he said ‘return ALL library books’ buut… Sure!” And she proceed to bounce away. Dashie clip clopped along with her.

As the door slammed shut and the talk of what would happen to poor Ditzy faded I did not move. Any notion to go outside had been shattered by those two. I shuddered to think what the rest of the ponies were like if those two were so destructive. The mess downstairs glared up at me, reminding me of the forces held by that prismatic pony.
Eventually I couldn't sit there any longer, so I went further upstairs. I found a bedroom, a bathroom and the stairs that ended with a double door to a balcony with a view that even I could see from inside. I did not test my luck.
One thing I realised though, from the vantage point of inside a tree, was that every room had a window. Through those windows I had an elevated view of my surroundings. All in all, I was able to get my bearings.
I figured out that on the side of the tree with the door was a township. A township, I assume, of ponies. And it was truly massive, the town went on for ages.
On the other side was a large plain covered in grass that eventually went up in hills.
After all that I didn't really do much. I tried reading some books. But they all had childish titles littered with alliteration with text inside that was equally childish. Or they were about casting spells and were so condensed with information that they put my textbooks at home to shame. So I stopped trying that.
Eventually night fell and I was thankful for the bed in the bedroom. But I slept badly. I woke up feeling more tired than I did when I fell asleep.

That morning I was presented with another problem. Food.
I had grown hungry overnight and I hadn't found anything resembling edible in the rooms upstairs. I went down the stairs and was greeted with the sight of books everywhere.
I sighed. After deliberating on the decision for a few seconds, I started picking the books up. After picking up a few books and carrying them to a bookshelf, I saw a room that I had missed in my initial look around.
It looked like a kitchen.
I bolted in that direction, dropping the books I was carrying. The kitchen had a fridge, a stove, which looking back doesn't make sense, and cupboards galore.
I went into a searching frenzy. Opening the fridge. Opening each cupboard. Getting more desperate each time I found them to be empty. After opening all the things I just fell down. I hadn't found anything, hadn't had food in a day and was tired as hell. Disappointed had just been thrown into the mix too.

So I just lay there for a while before picking myself up and busying myself with picking up the books. I needed something to focus on. I focused on that for hours. I lost count of how many.
I discovered that the books were all completely out of order, which was understandable for the books on the floor but the books on the shelves had no right to be that way. So that added to the task I had undertaken. Along with the fact that some of the books didn't even have the name of the author on them.
It was late in the day when the door creaked open. I had put most of the books into alphabetical order but there were still a dozen or so books still lying on the floor. I had a book in my hand at the time. I took it with me when I ran for cover.
From my hiding spot in the kitchen I saw a white pony with ridiculously curled purple hair enter and home right in on the books that still remained on the floor. It approached, looking around. I ducked right into cover, losing sight of the pony.

“Ruffian that did this is probably gone by now.” I heard it say in a posh voice. “I’ll put these back before looking for that book… yes, I’ll do that.”
I chanced a look and saw that the books were no longer on the floor. The purple haired pony was browsing the shelves intently.

“Oh my. These are far more ordered than they usually are. That means that the book I’m looking for is over here.” It said as it trotted across the room. “Come on, where is ‘Advanced Lace Language’? I need it for my next dress.”
I frowned. I had read that title recently. Realisation, as ever, was slow to dawn. I looked at the book I was carrying. It was titled ‘Advanced Lace Language’.
I froze as the clip clopping sound the pony made as it walked around suddenly seemed more menacing.

I heard the pony say. “Come on, where is it? Where is it?”
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what would happen if I was found. That scared me. But the pony seemed to need that book. And I liked to consider myself a nice guy. So I slowly, while keeping an eye on the doorway, put the book on the table before dashing to an open cupboard and crawling inside.
After another minute of listening to the pony’s frantic clip clopping, I heard an “Aha!”
The pony came over and had even more dialogue to say.

“Oh, Advanced Lace Language. I’m so glad you’re here. Now I can get back to my dresses.” The pony paused. “Why are all the compartments open?... The ruffian must have been looking for food too. Oh well, I can clean up.” Then the cupboard door slammed shut. Giving me another massive shock.

“I say, Bookie would be proud.” I heard as the pony moved away and the closing of the door could be heard. As soon as I heard that, I burst out of my hiding spot and did that heavy breathing thing that most people do after situations of equal tension. After that I went up the stairs and stayed there.

The next day two sets of ponies came through the library. I discovered that the sink in the kitchen had running water. A fact I was eternally grateful for.
The day after just one set of ponies came through, the day was uneventful. The only other significant event was me finding a blank book, ink and a quill in the bedroom and deciding to write this diary.
Throughout these two days I stayed upstairs in a room with a view of the front door. Or, at least the area in front of it. I only left to go get water. At night I went downstairs and cleaned up any mess left by the days occupants. But my experience with the purple haired pony kept me cautious, and I was rushed with my cleanliness.
I did this not because I’m OCD or anything. I’m just tidy and needed something to do.

On my fourth full day I had to take action. Fear had kept me inside the tree library. But I hadn't had a bite to eat in the past five days. The hunger pains almost drove me mad on the second and third day. On the fourth day the pain faded. But it left me weak, barely able to move. I had to get food.
I’m not a fool though, so I waited for nightfall. While the pit inside me grew deeper.
Three times ponies came through the library that day.
When the sun set and darkness fell. That’s when I pushed the door open.

Two - Food Runner

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Chapter Two
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The food runner

The town, as far as I could see, was empty. The cover of night should keep prying eyes away from me. My objective, food, was the primary thought in my head, so I was surveying the houses with that in mind.
That house has lights on: Therefore the ponies inside are eating food.
That house's light just turned off: So those ponies just finished eating food and are now digesting it. While sleeping with food in their stomach.
The lights in that house just turned on: Those ponies are probably cooking their food.
And so on.
Food was on my mind and it stayed on my mind as I moved through the town. Sticking to the shadows when I could. Waiting for the odd pony to pass by when I encountered them.

I passed a few houses that appeared to be vacant. By each one I waited for at least five minutes.
I only moved on when the owners of the houses showed up or when I chickened out because the neighbors were still up. I was hungry, not stupid. I passed by a park that was mostly empty. There was just one couple of ponies in the park, a mint coloured one and a sort of cream coloured one with purple and pink hair.
I graced them with my watch for a short while but moved on when they started getting really close.
Closer than I’d ever been to a girl anyway.

Just under an hour after leaving the safety of the tree house, quite literally now that I think about it, I found the perfect house for food.
It was a food hut not too dissimilar from that one fairy tale with the two kids and the witch. It was made of baked goods. Icing on the roof. Walls that looked like cookies ready to eat. Hell, the roof was even shaped like a cupcake. And the smell, it made me drool the moment it hit me. I had to get some of that food.
Best of all. The lights were off, the door was open and the freshly baked smell was definitely coming from inside.
With no neighbors, this house was the best one I’d come across in terms of stealing food from it. But that also posed a problem.
With no immediate neighbors I had no cover when approaching this place.
Of course, in my hunger I disregarded that precautionary fact as I rushed into the place.

In the dim light inside. I saw a bunch of tables with stacks upon stacks of cookies, cupcakes, no muffins and cakes.
I nearly fainted I was so overwhelmed.
After overcoming that I rushed over and ate like I hadn't eaten in days. Five specifically.
It felt like I was a character from a cartoon. One that just kept eating. Because that’s what I did. In all I ate seven cookies, three cupcakes and most of a cake. My stomach could not take anymore, even after such a fast. I ended up lying on the floor. Crumbs were everywhere. I felt more satisfied than I ever had since I got here.
This almost caused me to drift off to sleep. Fortunately Ponies seem to have an early warning system.
It’s their fatal flaw, as far as I can tell. If they aren't singing, which they seem to do every five minutes, they’re either talking, talking and talking some more. Or they’re somehow making so much noise that I could hear them from across the street while inside a tree.
This time I heard what I can only describe as springing, coupled with a chirpy voice singing something to do with cupcake deliveries.
When I realised that the voice and the springing sounds were coming closer I panicked. But I was able to keep myself in check enough to do some good for myself.
As I leapt up I grabbed the tablecloth on the table I had been eating from and wrapped up the remaining food. Then I turned and ran up the stairs to the second floor.

Four seconds later the springing sound stopped and I heard from the lower floor “Gasp! Somepony has eaten the Cake's cake!” The voice that was singing gasped. “They stole a table too. Don't they know I’m the only pony that steals tables?”
There was some violent bouncing around and I swear I heard the fires of hell.

“They didn't even ask!”
There was a final bounce that shook the house followed by a zooming sound coupled with a receding scream of fury.
I'm glad I hid upstairs.

The way back to the tree hut library was a lot slower than my initial excursion into town. The scream of fury had roused the town. Ponies were coming out of their houses to investigate. It meant I had to be more careful on the way back due to the increased number of eyes around. All in all it took sixty minutes to get back to the tree.
I shut myself inside and hoarded the baked goods I had gathered in the kitchen due to lack of storage upstairs.
Apart from the constant fear of being discovered the night was uneventful.
After the whole ordeal I managed to get a total of somewhere between not nearly enough sleep and almost enough sleep. I couldn't calculate sleep time because clocks were not a thing around here. I still wasn't sleeping well either.
Every night was like I'd retire from the stress and stir craziness of being inside to being tormented by my own mind. It was wearing on me.

The next day I braved my first shower since coming here. It was early, so I doubted any pony would barge in through the front door.
It was a smart choice I think. If you ignore the risk.
After the shower I felt cleaner than I had in days. That felt good. Fortunately none of the ponies needed any books during that time. Which both surprised and relieved me. Considering that I take long showers.
Unfortunately I had another problem. While I was clean. My clothes were not.
Considering that I only had one set of clothes being my jeans, blue cartoon shirt and the unmentionables underneath, this was horrible.
The blue of both pieces had gotten so dirty that my shirt had a greenish tinge to it.
It was hard to put that shirt back on.
My situation was, that while I had food and water, my current state of living left much to be desired.
My state of hygiene was terrible. I had been going stir crazy since day one and there wasn't any shampoo in the shower.
So my hair remained greasy with five days of grease.

As the day wore on, two ponies came through the library. One of which was the white and curly purple haired pony that came through on day one. I could tell from my vantage point that it was pompous as hell. I was able to decipher this from the way it stuck it’s nose in the air as it surveyed the shelves. Looking for a place to return the book to.
I know this because I had history with this pony, even if it had no idea. So I crouched at the top of the stairs and watched it like a hawk.
These ponies had personality. That much was obvious. In every aspect of them, from the way they moved with purpose to how they interacted with things around them. Everything screamed that they were people.
But the people I knew stood on two legs, had hands and were humans.
What I knew was pony does not equal human.
But with the way this pony made it’s way around. It reminded me of someone back home.

I made a decision that night.

Instead of keeping my presence unknown to the ponies outside. I decided to instead reveal myself and see what happens.
No matter what happens, it should end up with an improvement to my general situation. At least, it was likely to. Or it wouldn't at all. But I needed to think positive, so I didn't dwell on that too much.
After eating as much as I dared, I gathered the remaining food up. Which I now realise had done an amazing job of staying in shape despite their time in a makeshift pack. I put the food onto the tablecloth and wrapped it up much like I had done the previous night.
Then, after minutes of steeling myself up, I set out again.
It was just my luck that the ponies decided that tonight was the night to go on a witch hunt.

They were all trotting around with pitchforks and torches. One of the first things I saw was a pyre built on the main street, right in the middle of it.
Seeing that thing as I left did little for my courage.
It resembled the stakes at which my people used to use to burn witches alive. I took a different route into town that night.
Fortunately for me. While the layout of this place was a little confusing. It was easy enough to find certain landmarks. Plus most of the roads led to the centre of the town. The phrase ‘All roads lead to Rome’ comes to mind.

Unfortunately for me. There were ponies drifting about on patrols.
They were all speaking in hushed voices. Leaving me clueless as to the purpose of this witch hunt, but I could easily guess it was all to find me.
I mean, I had stolen cakes and cookies no less than twenty four hours ago. Who knew how these ponies would react.
They’d probably call me a heretic and then I’d be screwed. Either way, this wasn't the only problem I faced.
As I was doing my duck and cover maneuver from cover to cover. I almost ran into a little pony.
It was even smaller than the rest of the ponies around. But man could it scream.

Oh yeah. It screamed.
Quite loudly too.

I dropped my makeshift bag and tried to get it to shut up.
First, I shushed it. That didn't work. I still didn't know if the ponies here understood me like I understood them.
Next, I tried putting my hand over it’s mouth.
Then I realised that it’s small mouth was wider than my hand. So I didn't do that.
Finally, I clamped its mouth shut using both hands. Then I curled one hand around its jaw and made a shushing motion with my finger.
That didn't work. So as a last resort I reached into the half open pack and brought out a cupcake with bright orange frosting on it. Then I offered it to him.
That shut him up.
He chomped it right out of my hand as soon as I let his jaw go.
At least he was considerate enough to not bite my hand.

Then I heard the shouting.

“It came from over here!” Coupled with the sounds of a stampede.
I looked at the little pony eating the cupcake.

“Don’t you sell me out.” I said. “Please”
Then I ran.

After running for a few seconds I reached a corner to hide around and I looked back.
I saw the ponies en mass, surrounding the one I’d given the cupcake to.

“Scootaloo. Why were you screaming?” An authoritative pony in glasses asked.
The ‘Scootaloo’ wasted no time in selling me out.

“Son of a bastard.” I muttered as I gassed it in the opposite direction of the ponies.
Pretty soon I found myself looking at the park and I paused for a second. Then the hoard of ponies behind me spurred me on. But I didn't run into the park. Instead, I turned right.
I knew the way I wanted to go from here. Only problem was the stampeding ponies hot on my heels.
I needed some way to get these ponies off my tale. But I didn't see how.
Then I saw two dark alleys on my right and a quick plan formed in my head.

I ran past the first alley but turned into the second. When I reached the end of the alley I looked back and was startled by the stampede as it galloped into view. Then I turned right and then right again into the first alley. But instead of continuing to run I ducked down and rolled to the side, dragging my makeshift sack with me.
My trick worked. They had seen me do the double back and ran straight past me. But they didn't know where I was at the time.
Which was hunched in the side of a dark alley listening to and feeling a lot of hooves run past.
If they had been going slower they might have seen me. However, they were too fixated on catching me. So they chased a phantom man into the night.
I was vaguely surprised at how quickly they vanished.
Mostly I was stoic from the experience I just had. Hooves trampling the ground in front of you does that to a person.

It was in this state that I made the rest of my way to the bakery house that I had stolen from.
I didn't even bother hiding in the shadows, I was lucky I made it.
When I got there I found that like the first time I went there. Except this time the lights were on.
I went inside and placed my pack in the middle of the room. Then I hid up the stairs, as was becoming my thing, and waited.

Some time later. I finally heard the voice of the pony that lived here.

“... So sad it was a false alarm…” The female voice trailed off. Not so chipper this time.

“Well. Ah’m glad it was.” Another voice replied. Causing me to stiffen. I was only really prepared to reveal myself to one. That, and voice had the strongest southern accent I've ever heard. “Who knows what would've happened if it fought back. An’ why’re you sad about it?”

“It was absolutely definitely and positively somepony that I don’t know. And I know everypony.” The chipper pony explained. “I could have thrown a party!”

“Yeah. Sure.”

“Anyway. I’ll see you tomorrow at the Barn.”

“About that.” The southern one said in that ‘About that’ way. “Macintosh healed faster than the nurse said. So we have this one under control.”

“Oh silly!” The chipper one giggled. “That just means that he can join in the fun too.”

“Sure…” It trailed off. I got the feeling that it didn't want the chipper one along to the party. “Well. See yah tomorrow Pinkie.”

I froze again. Was this one of the first two ponies that I had seen? I had to check.
I looked down the stairs and saw a pink pony standing in the doorway, facing another pony that was wearing a cowboy hat. Waving goodbye.
I returned to hiding. Suddenly I was a whole lot less sure about revealing myself.

“Bye!” Pinkie said. Almost squealing. Then the door shut.
I chanced another look downstairs and Pinkie was looking at the pack of baking that I had left on the floor.

“Hm.” Pinkie shrugged. “They must have had a change of heart. Guess I can call off the hunt now.”
I was freaking out.
SHE had put that hunt out? Arranged the burning stake?
What the hell was I just about to reveal myself to?

“Wait.” I heard Pinkie say. “I can hear someone in here.”
I started freaking out even more.

“Was it you that stole the cakes?” Pinkie asked the room. “I know you're there. I can hear your heartbeat.”
She can hear hearts!? That was all I was thinking at that time.

“Show yourself. Before I find you.”
The game was up. I had no choice.
Slowly. Trembling. I stood up and descended the stairs.
When she came into proper view I put my hands up.

“It was me.” I said. Voice trembling. “I stole the cakes.”

Three - The Cake Conversation

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Chapter Three.
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The cake conversation

"Stealing cakes is a crime punishable by forced baking of more cakes." Pinkie said. Suddenly donning a judges attire. "How does the defendant plead?" I did not know how to respond. "In absence of a response I am forced to assume the defendant is guilty."

"Wait wait wait." I interrupted. "What are you on about?"

"As you have come before the court under the accusation of stealing not only cakes, but several cookies and delicious cupcakes, you, as the defendant, must state a plea in response or the jury will find you guilty and you will be prosecuted." She gestured to the counter where two ponies that weren't there before were nodding.
I was taken completely off guard by this sudden change in pace.

"Well, uh." I mumbled, trying to think. "Not guilty?" I said in that rising intonation sort of way.

"What is the evidence presented by the defendant?" Pinkie asked, holding a hammer up as if about to declare me guilty, judge style.

Swept up by her flow, I racked my mind for a way out. "The cakes." I ended up saying when I saw something strange. "They can no longer be used as evidence."

"And why is that?" Pinkie asked around a mouthful of cookie.

"The evidence has been tampered with." I pointed out, only now wondering why I was playing her game.

"How so?"

I couldn't believe she didn't realise. "Um. You're eating them." Indeed, there was only one cake and two cupcakes left. "I don't understand how you managed to eat them that fast."

"Hush." Pinkie hushed me. "This fact alone does not exempt you from all charges, as far as I am aware. Please give solid evidence."

This whole situation was ridiculous. I was stressed as hell because I knew this pony was capable of some strange stuff and I couldn't figure out why she wasn't doing anything against me. I had no idea what the court role playing thing was about.
I also had been internalising how I thought this would go. I didn't expect it to go like it was.

"Look." I tried to change the subject. "Why are you ignoring the fact that a member of a completely new race has come into your house and revealed himself? Shouldn't you be asking questions like 'who and what are you?' You're not making any sense."

"Is that information relevant to the case in session?" Pink pony asked.

"What? No." I started sounding a bit exasperated. "I'm asking you why are you ignoring the elephant in the room?"

"There's an elephant in this room?"
I was speechless. All I could think was Are you fucking serious? Sad thing is I feel she was.

She gave me a look that I couldn't quite decipher. "Lying to the judge is an offence punishable by the forced baking of one extra cake"

"You're still on about that?"

"Yes I am." She drew herself up, as if about to render judgment. "Now unless you have anything else to say. The jury will decide your fate"

"Fine. Fine." I raised my hands again. "I'll play your game. The fact that the evidence has been tampered with renders it useless in the court of justice. As all the cupcakes and cakes themselves have been eaten," By you, I would add. "Prosecuting someone under the case that they stole those cakes is questionable as it could have all been a set up. The evidence is no longer there and cannot be used in court." Pinkie seemed impressed by this. I wasn't finished. "I question whether the evidence was planted by you, your Honour."

There was a collective gasp as three ponies all turned their eyes to a certain pink pony in the room. I'm not sure how Pinkie achieved turning her eyes to herself, or how to describe it. Just know that she did.

"A new case has been raised. How does the defendant plea?"

"Innocent your honour."

"Where is your lawyer? You would need one as a defendant."

"Late your honour. But I would like to proceed without them."

"As you wish. What is your plea?"

"Innocent, your honour."

"What is your evidence to support your case?"

"Uh..."
This was all said by pinkie. She was donning and doffing the judges attire with each line and assuming the characters entirely.
It went on with Pinkie not being able to defend herself, the jury deciding that she was guilty and being charged with the forced baking of three cakes and two dozen cupcakes.
I wasn't sure what I had gotten myself into and I had a feeling it would stay that way.

When Pinkie was finally done prosecuting herself, she realised that there was, in fact, an elephant in the room.

"So who and what are you." Pinkie asked, repeating the question I had given her five minutes ago.

I sat down on a small step in front of me. "I'm Sherry, a human." The whole court thing had taken the spirit out of me, so I gave the short answers to that question.

"Where're you from?"

"Place called Earth." I answered. "Heard of it?"

"I've heard of earth. It's that stuff outside that you stand on and it gets in your shoes right?"

"Not wrong but I'm talking about a planet. What's this one called?"

"Equestria."

"Never heard of it. So what happens now?" I looked up at Pinkie.

One of the ponies from the counter walked up. It was blue with pink hair that looked like a swirly ice cream. "I'm sorry but what do you mean?" It asked.

"I mean what's going to happen now that I've revealed myself to you?" I asked, trying to be more clear. It just looked back at me.
The other pony from the counter joined us. This one was a yellow ginger and a fair bit taller then the other two. I guessed he was a guy.
The blue and yellow ones looked at each other, then back at me.

"We aren't really sure of that either." The yellow one said. He as definitely a guy.

"This is the first time that we've seen a new species isn't it darling?" The blue-pink one asked the yellow guy.

"That it is." Long pause. "I'm Carrot cake and this is my wife; Cup Cake."

"And I'm Pinkie Pie!" Squealed the one introducing herself.

"Well I thank you for introducing yourself Mr Carrot." I did not get these names.

"Call me Mr cake." Carrot requested.

"Sure, sure." I waved dismissively "But seriously. What do we do now?"

There was an uncomfortable silence as they all looked at each other. They clearly didn't know.

After a while Pinkie piped up. "Hey, a new race is a pretty big thing right?"

"Yes." I snorted. Duh.

"Like, it's really really important right?"

"Yes. It's an earthshaking discovery in fact."

"Then I could go up to Canterlot and bring the matter to princess Celestia." Pinkie looked like she thought she had thought up the best idea in the world. I wasn't so sure.
'Princess'. That was a trigger word for me. I don't know why, but I've always been adverse to the idea of royalty. The whole concept of kings and queens just never appealed to me. That and there are so many ways for a fortunate individual to exploit all kinds of loopholes for their benefit and others detriment in such a system.
It's a topic I've always felt strongly about. Introducing these thoughts to the subjects of a royal ruler would have been stupid however,

Instead I just said: "No."

"No?" Pinkie asked, ears drooping at being shot down. "Why not?" She almost sniffled.

"Let's just say I know nothing about this Celestia of yours, or the queen above her."

"We don't have a queen here actually." Cup Cake informed me. "Just the princess."

"That's strange." I commented. It said a bit about their hierarchy too. It probably wasn't as expansive as I thought if it stopped at 'princess'.

"Do you have a princess in your world Sherry?" Carrot asked.
I leaned back and lay down staring up at the roof of the place. After a few seconds I huffed and sat back up. It's just the sort of thing I do when decision making.

"That's a big topic you've just asked for." I said, staring at them. "You sure you want to go there?"

"Sure!" Pinkie said immediately. "I'm interested."

"Me too." Cup joined in. Mr Cake just looked at me, waiting for me to start.

I sighed. "Your monarchy sounds quite similar to mine. We have queens, kings, princes, princesses and so on right down to the court jester." They frowned at the mention of the jester. Maybe they didn't have exactly the same hierarchy. "I expect the biggest difference is the number of all the stuff I mentioned. See, we have a lot of kings. When I left there were still at least thirty kings and queens each I think. And hundreds of princes and their female counterparts too. Then there were the dukes, the barons and the lords, we literally had tonnes of those. I could go on but I forgot the nouns. Satisfied?"
I waited for their response. They were all agape for some reason.

"What?"

"Hundreds of princesses?" Cup asked.

"Princes too." I confirmed. "Did I mention the thirty kings?" I'm pretty sure I did.

"Imagine what that would be like." Mr cake said. "A hundred princess Celestias"

"Two hundred." Pinkie corrected. "He used a plural, remember?" I suddenly got the feeling that Pinkie was one to correct grammar. Not too sure how I felt about that.

"Yeah." Cup agreed. "Equestria would be huge." I wasn't sure how that would work.

"Guys. We've gone on a massive tangent." I realised, trying to bring the conversation back. "What were we just talking about?"

"We were talking about taking the matter to the princess." Pinkie said as I remembered what we were talking about. Shit.

"Fine, you can take it to the princess." I caved. After a night like the one I just had that's perfectly understandable. "Something will happen." Not sure what though. I thought. That scares me.

"Awesome!" Pinkie jumped up and started making really fast running movements. But then Cup reached up and smashed Pinkie back down to the ground.

"Whoa!" I jumped to my feet, shocked by the sudden display of violence.

"Hold on Sugar." Cup said as if she hadn't just slammed a pony to the ground. I was slightly scared of her now. "Going to see Celestia is a great plan but you should have a nights rest first. After all, there aren't any trains until six."

"Aw." Pinkie complained.

"Besides. There are still some things I still want to ask this man before you go."

"Yeah?" I asked a bit defensively. "Like what?"

"Why are you here?"

The billion dollar question.

I sat back down before answering. Due to the height difference this meant that they were just looking down at me. "I honestly don't know." I told them. Looking Cup Cake specifically right in the eye.

"Sorry?"Mrs Cake asked.

"I honestly have no idea why, or even how, I ended up here." I explained.

"Could you explain that more?" Mr cake asked. I frowned. ^This word^ Pinkie was looking at me with what can only be described as worry.

So I sucked it up and explained it more. "There's not much to it. I just woke up here a few days ago. No idea how, or why. Hell, I don't even remember what my last memory was before coming here."

"Really?" Mrs Cake seemed worried for me. It seemed I had a knack for making these ponies sympathetic to me if these three's faces were any measurement. "What's that like?"

"Strange." I said. "I can remember my life, my friends, my family, the jerks. I remember meeting my younger brother for the first time. I even remember the fights we had. But when I try to remember what happened before coming here. Nothing."

"Oh, you poor thing."

"Yeah, it kept me up late a few times." Or all of the times. "So the plan is this. You guys head off to your, I assume, benevolent ruler and say things about me. Correct?"

"I'd think so." Mr Cake responded.

"What should I do until then?" They looked at each other. I gave hard questions. "If it's all the same to you I'd like to just head back to where I was. With my head still attached that is."

"Silly Sherry." Pinkie said. "Why would I take your head?" Oh, several reasons that I'm not going to give you ideas about.

"Where have you been sleeping? By the way." Mrs Cake asked.

"Big tree place." I told her. "Lots of books inside." Then something occurred to me. "Say, that big witch hunt you had going on outside. Was that to find me?" That was a natural assumption to make I felt.

"Nope!" Pinkie jumped a bit as she said that. "That stuff has absolutely zero things to do with you. Unless you can turn into an evil monster that lives only to give ponies nightmares, is really gross and doesn't like it when you try to throw a party." Well I'm one of those things.

"Doesn't sound like me. So that was all to find the 'monster'." I did the 'quote thing' as I said monster. I hadn't personally seen anything worthy of being called monster.

"I saw the monster." Mr Cake said. "It was three nights ago. I saw it standing outside a house with its lights on. I could hear noises from the house, it sounded like screaming." Creepy. "Then it suddenly ran away and I checked inside the house. Apparently the family's foal had been having a nightmare and wouldn't wake up. He had only just woken up when I knocked on the door."

"That sounds real creepy and stuff." I commented.

"Yes it was. The monster has come around several times since. Tonight was the first real hunt for it."

"Aside from the fact that you ponies are hunting a monster, that sounds reasonable."

"If you're done talking about the monster." Mrs Cake interjected. "We should head to sleep. It is a rather late hour after all."

"I second that." I seconded.

"But where will you sleep?"

"I'll just head back to the tree library and sleep there. It's what I've been doing for the past... I dunno, a week?"

"I'm not sure you should go outside." Mr Cake mentioned. "The ponies outside are still looking for the monster."

"I can get away from them." I responded. "I did so on the way here and I can do so again. The last time I was carrying this heavy pack you see."

"I see." No you don't. I can see it in your face.

"I'm not sure that's the best move." Mrs Cake said.

"Sure. But do you have an extra bed for me to sleep in?" I asked.

"We do but..." She looked at pinkie. "Somepony is using it."

"Huh." I 'huh'ed. Then I stood up and made my way to the door. "Well. Since you have no beds for me to use, I'll take my leave. If you're looking for me remember: Big tree with books inside."

"We know the Golden Oak Library, silly." So that's what it's called.

"Whichever one of you doesn't go to the princess come update me on things tomorrow. There are some things I want to talk about."

"I can do that." Mr Cake said. "But it'll have to wait until after I've closed up the shop."

"Will do." I replied as I opened the door. "Oh, and also, to whoever goes to see the princess, you should tell them about the monster too."

As I closed the door I heard Mrs Cake say, "That's actually a good idea." I was surprised that the pony race hadn't already been overrun by literally anything else. The way they went around with things.

I had gleaned a few bits of information from that conversation. The first being that these ponies were nothing like I first thought they were. Second, they were actually quite easy to get along with. Well, I probably hadn't interacted with them enough to make that assumption yet. Time will tell.
Third, they are terrible problem solvers. Sure, Pinkie had come up with the idea to go see Celestia and Mrs Cake had realised that there were no trains at this hour. But I got the feeling that if they were to experience a massive crisis they would just band together and use the power of friendship to save the day. Like that would solve anything.
Fourth, don't underestimate the ponies, they are capable of some pretty crazy stuff. Of course, I was already well aware of that, but one can't be blamed for reinforcing what they already know.

On the way back to the library tree ,which shall henceforth be entitled the Golden Oak Library, I stuck to the alleys and shadows much like I had previously during my excursions into town. That was nothing new. But what was new was the dark figure I saw lurking outside one of the houses.
It's silhouette was like nothing I've ever seen. But I suppose my best method of description is a hunchbacked human but longer on the horizontal plane by about a meter. Then add a faint miasma drifting up off the thing and some free moving tentacles near the front end. Long and short, the thing was creepy.
So of course I got closer.

Four - Political Bull-stuff

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Chapter Four
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Political Bull-Stuff

When I was at school I was never elected leader of anything. There are two reasons for that. The first being that I never actually tried to lead anything, which is justified by the second reason. I make some real stupid decisions.
Deciding to approach a hunchback tentacle monster for example. Which doesn't even qualify for a place in the top three.

It turns out that this particular example didn't even have any far reaching consequences, which was new to me. That is, aside from what happened immediately.
I approached the thing like I had been approaching everything else that night, through the shadows. The sound of hooves and the light from torches a few streets over warranted this caution justified, and forgive me if I didn't feel like getting chased by stampeding ponies twice in one night.
As I got closer I remembered the male Cake talking about the monster.

He had said: 'I saw it standing outside a house with its lights on. I could hear noises from the house, it sounded like screaming.' Which I only remembered because the thing was standing outside a house that had it's lights on and I could hear noises coming from the house. Three guesses for what the noises sounded like.
I managed to get close enough to have a clearer look at the thing. It was facing away from me, so what I mostly got was a less than glorious look at it's ass. But from that not so glorious experience I could see that it had four legs. The hind two specifically looked like that of a lions but thicker, though the miasma coming up from it and it's dark coloured shaggy coat made the actual shape difficult to make out. Plus it could have been a tiger's legs. I'm no safari expert.
The reason I say mostly is because as soon as I got close enough to register all this the thing turned and looked right at me. Due to the lighting I couldn't see it's face and it's face tentacles seemed to move a whole lot more violently once it realised I was there.

That can't mean anything good. I thought immediately.
It did not mean good things.

The monster angled it's head up and made a really loud moaning noise that went on forever. Well, not forever but it did last at least ten seconds.
There was chilling silence after the monster's moan. I heard a twig snap.

Then from a few streets over. "It was that way!" And the pounding of hooves started racing in our direction.
I looked at the light haze the ponies' torches were giving off and looked back at the monster. It was gone, leaving a faint trail of black miasma that disappeared in the following second.
As I realised that I should probably leave also, the door of the house the monster was standing outside opened. The pony that stepped out saw me after sweeping the area.

"Hey!" It yelled. But I wasn't sticking around, I ran. "Come back here!" But I wasn't coming back, no way.
Unfortunately I wasn't fast enough to get off the street in time, as the witch hunting ponies rounded the corner down the street and saw me. Do I even need to say that they gave chase? Because they did.

One even yelled. "You're not getting away this time!" I wasn't so cynical though.

I expected myself to get away in a similar fashion to how I had the previous time, but the monster's moan had roused the town. That, coupled with the stampede of hooves behind me, was making more than a few ponies open doors. They all saw me as I ran through the shadows, trying to hide myself and run away at the same time.
Luckily they didn't give chase to me. However, they did point in whichever direction I had run when the hoard of ponies approached, which made it difficult for me to get away.
I pulled the double alley trick that I had used earlier. This time the ponies fell for it, same as the first, but when the other ponies were unable to tell them which way I went, they were able to figure out I had double crossed them. When they returned to the alley in which I was hiding, I ran once again and he chase was on. Only this time I had a little more of a lead on them.
I had heard a few of the ponies wonder where I went, one thought I was a wizard. Which, now that I think about it, is funny.

I eventually managed to get away from them by racing through a vacant house. Sounds easy but the door wasn't open, so through the window I went. It was then that I discovered that glass is hard, as I felt the impact a lot more than I thought I would. I also discovered that glass is sharp.
Anyway, the reasoning behind that was as follows: The whole town was up, either wondering what was going on or chasing me, so all the houses have lights on. This house had no lights on and was therefore empty, so through it I ran.
Then I went out through a backdoor that I was lucky to find in the near dark, closing it quietly so as to not attract any attention.
I looked back once to see the ponies knocking on the door of the house, trying to get the 'person' inside to open the door and let them know that their window was broken. Then I went back to the G.O.L. My new abbreviation for the tree library.
After all that I went back to the routine I had been living by for the past week. Staying inside and watching the ponies like a hawk. All after a terrible nights rest of course.

The next day saw me receiving my first visitors, Mr Cake and a glasses wearing pony that looked real familiar. I didn't greet them at the door like a gentleman, I had only revealed myself to the Cake. I didn't feel like prancing around like a target, so I watched from my place on the top of the stairs.
They let themselves in and looked around.

The glasses one said. "I don't see any humans around." Then it hit me. The glasses pony was the one that was leading the chase against me last night and I really didn't want to go down there now.

"Sherry said he'd be in here." Mr Cake responded. "I'm sure he's here." Then he addressed the rest of the place. "Sherry, this is the Mayor of Ponyville." Yet another stupid name in this place. "I brought her here so that we could possibly sort something out." Like what you idiot?

The Mayor pony was silent for a few seconds before gracing us with her opinion again. "Since there is nothing here, I should be off doing other things which call to my attention." In my opinion she was either too busy, or a bitch. Probably the latter.

Mr Cake was insistent though. "Just give him a moment. Sherry, please show yourself."
I didn't want to show myself, but if I didn't Mr Cake would probably feel let down by me, the Mayor would think less of him and I wan't the type of guy to think of myself as a dick. So I walked down that staircase with so much drama that Shakespeare turned in his grave from jealousy. Plus I was hungry which interferes with my decision making. I never would have done that on a full stomach.

One of the few good things I got from that decisions was the Mayor pony's reaction. It's jaw dropped and it stared. Actions which are, by themselves, simple but I've always seen these types of things with a lot more humour than others, so I had to stifle a laugh on the way down. What she did next I didn't find so funny, which was find her voice.

"You're the thing that ran away from us last night." She accused. In return I found the wit I had been missing from last night.

"If two dozen me was running at you with torches and pitchforks, what would you do?"

Mr Cake stepped in. "Sherry, Mayor Mare, could you please calm down." In my opinion Mr Cake was not making the best decisions. First: he had brought another pony to my presence and told them about me without my permission. He'd be feeling that later. Second: he was trying to mediate. Not many people I've met have been able to pull that off, and good old Carrot over here was definitely not one of those people.

Now, I have strange thought processes, so I helped him. "Cake, shush." I told him. "You'll make this worse if you keep talking." Then I sat on one of the steps which, being made for ponies, were more than wide enough for me to sit on. "Mayor, I am Sherry. Now I don't know about you but I believe in second chances, so, how about we leave what happened last night behind us and start on a new foot?"

"How am I supposed to know if you can be trusted." Of course she says that.

"Well, giving me a chance would be the first option. The second would be to look at the facts, of which there are several. The most obvious of which is: Do you really think I look like an Eldritch abomination?"
And thus began the most tedious talk I've ever had with anyone except my parents.
I didn't enjoy that talk, and though I was quite witty throughout, the general way in which the whole thing went down bored me. I was never that into politics. Plus it was tedious.
But the results of the conversation are important and do warrant being put to paper.
I suppose the biggest thing was that Mayor Mare, as I discovered she was called, decided not to announce my presence to the town on the grounds that the matter was already being taken to princess Celestia. Other stuff includes her requested assistance on the hunting of the tentacle monster that had been terrorizing the town, to which I said no immediately, me asking more things about the monster and having the official stuff about my residence sorted out.

It turns out that the ponies cared more for their books than I had been led to believe. The pony that I had taken up residence after, Old Bookie, had been evicted by his landlord and had actually been allowed residence in the tree library until a week from my hearing this. But he'd taken that with more than a pinch of salt and left for Manehatten two days before my arrival, maybe because his landlord was the princess herself.
I couldn't believe his name was actually 'Old Bookie' either, his childhood must have sucked.
Anyway, Old Bookie had left his library in the hands, or hooves, of Ponyville's quote 'government' because he didn't see any of it's resident ponies as worthy of being a librarian, so it was with great pain that he left. Pinkie was the only one to see him off, which was predictable and sad in my opinion.
I was told that the monster had been around for almost a month now, and the sightings sounded real similar to what myself and Mr Cake had seen. The ponies that had been affected by the thing were not restricted to foals, as I learnt they were called, but they were always the youngest in the house. So that was cool I guess.
The matter of my diet was also brought up, at which point Mr Cake did his most productive thing of that day, which was offer to bring me food daily. During this part of the exchange I did not bring up the fact that I eat meat. Because they are herbivores and I am smart, if only at times.

Once all was said and done and good ol' Mayor Mare was gone, I turned to Mr Cake, intent on giving him an earful of my opinion. Unfortunately he beat me to the punch.

"So that went well eh?" Is what he said. I just gave him the look.

"Carrot cake." I said, using his full name for that 'You are so in trouble' effect. "What did you just do that was wrong? I'm giving you three seconds."

"What?" You wasted it.

"And three. Times up."

"What do you mean?"

"You just went and almost got me run from town, that's what. Without my permission, I would add." I told him as I jumped down from the staircase. I had purposefully sat on a stair that left me above the ponies talking to me, so they had to look up. Might as well do some subtle symbolism right? "That was the Mayor of this town. She could have, if she wished, had me rounded up, raped, forced into slavery and then beheaded and I wouldn't have been able to do anything about it. Bringing her here could have had some serious consequences that I don't think you'd be able to handle."
I don't think many people, or ponies for that matter, had given Mr Cake lectures before. He didn't seem all that used to it.

"But I thought-"

"Doesn't matter." I cut him off. "You didn't think your actions through before executing. Now, this time there weren't that many bad consequences, but remember: Mistakes are only as bad as the messes they make." He looked like he was having an existential crisis at this point, so I lightened up.

"Hey." I said, patting him on the shoulder. "You had good intentions. That counts for something." Even if that means nothing in the long haul. He looked me in the eye. I smiled. He smiled back. "Let that be a lesson to you."

"Now. Other things." I said abruptly. "Surely you have more questions after last night."

"I do" Mr Cake was still recovering from the lecture. Good. It'll stick. "I was going to bring some food over but then I realised that I don't know what you eat."

I raised an eyebrow "You might not like this."

"How so?"

"I eat meat." He blanched. I personally found this quite funny, but I continued so that Mr Cake's conscious could be put to rest. "And fruit, veges. Baking too." He relaxed visibly when I told him this. Just not entirely.

"I can bring you some fruit, we have lots of apples in Ponyville."

"Noted."

"The baking I can deliver... But the meat."

"Don't worry about it. Humans can survive without meat for a very long time." I assured him.

"How long." He asked, still visibly worried.

"Until we die." A fact that isn't technically wrong, but I didn't point out that I meant from lack of essentials like, I dunno, every vitamin and mineral instead of time left.

"Okay. Also, Cupcake told me to ask this. What have you been doing to entertain yourself." That took me off guard. I was expecting questions about the world I had come from, or something similar.

"Well, I have been reading the books around here." I said, waving my hand at the shelves of books around before sitting back down on the staircase. On a lower step this time so we'd see eye to eye. "It's kept me occupied for some of the time." Which was true.
After my initial first impression with the books here, I had ignored them for a total of twentyfour hours before boredom drove me to read. I found out that there were several adventure books too, the best one by far being the adventures of Daring Do. Which, despite being the most cliche thing I've ever read, managed to stave off my stir craziness for a few hours.

"Haven't really had that much else to do except keep watch." I finished, not mentioning my diary. That thing is private.

"I'll let Cupcake know." Mr Cake replied. "She'll come up with something for you to do." So long as it's not knitting I'm down.

"Hey, did Pinkie go to Canterlot like she said she would?" I asked Mr Cake when it occurred to me. I just realised the pun in that name and I'm not happy.

"Yeah, she left first thing in the morning." Mr Cake told me. "Cupcake was only just able to catch her before she left to remind her to take some food. Then she was gone." He sighed. "She's certainly a strange one, that Pinkie."

"You aren't her parents?" I asked, sensing a possibly sad story.

"No, she just walked into town one day with a massive party in tow. She practically adopted us." Not sad then, but still a story.

"Sounds fun." And tiring. "When should we expect a response?"

"I'd say a few days. I've not taken a matter to the princess before. A bakery is easy, if tiring, to run." A second of silence. "Speaking of which."

I waved a hand. "Don't let me keep you. You're a busy man."

"Stallion." He corrected.

"Doesn't mean a thing to me." I replied. "Don't you have a business to run?"

He nodded. "I'll be back with food later tonight." And with that, the door shut.
At least he had the sense to bring the food to the supposedly empty library at night, so no one would see. Then I realised something.
If I accepted the food that the Cakes brought me, I would be accepting charity, which is something that never sat well with me.
Oh well, it was something that I would have to deal with later. See, when I walked back upstairs there was a certain thing waiting for me.
I walked into the room that I'd been using as a vantage point on the ponies and any thoughts of rejecting charity were replaced with the following:

"Why is there an Eldritch abomination in my room?"

Five - Monster Running, Slave Driving

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Chapter four
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Monster Running, Slave Driving

The thing about Eldritch abominations, or like mosters thereof, is that if they've taken the time and effert to appear in your room without you realising, then they probably have more in mind that a surprise birthday party for you.

I found myself wondering what this thing might be as I stared the thing in it's face. I also wondered if it realised that it had missed by birthday by seven months.

It's face was grotesque. It's eyes weren't the same size, the nose was simply three nostrils diagonally arranged on its face and I'm pretty sure it didn't have a neck.The short tentacles around it's face did not make it prettier, nor did it's dark green colour. Though it was hard to tell through the black miasma the thing was exuding.

But it was rather easy to tell that it was pissed.

I stood there for like, one second before bolting. It gave chase. That made me scared.

Something about doorways in Equestria, they're small. Which makes sense as they are made for ponies, most of which stand at least a head shorter than myself.

The monster chasing me was huge, so I expected it to not be able to fit through. A crashing sound told me it didn't care. The angry moan that followed told me to keep running. Fortunately I never stopped.

I don't think the ponies were prepared for my first daylight appearance in Ponyville, such a shame. I ran out of the library and continued doing so.

The monster continued breaking through doorways. Man, I am not footing that bill. I thought briefly. The loud moan that followed this announced to all the town that something was going on, and it involved a scary moaning monster.

Something I have found about the ponies is that they don't typically have the best mindset for danger. I've met a few, stress on word 'few', people that have good crisis management skills, but as I ran through the town with monster behind me it was clear that none of the before mentioned people were among the ponies present.

So they all stood still as the big and angry green tentacle monster rampaged.

Quickly enough, it moaned again. Loudly, of course. What other cue for all hell breaking loose was there?

Oh yeah, all hell broke loose. Ponies were running and screaming everywhere, which was fine by me. Understandable even, given the circumstances. But the fact that most of them just had to run in front of me was not.

Oh, come on! Ran through my head each time I was cut off, only it became more profane with the addition of 'fuck', 'shit' and 'bitch' each time.

Somehow, after managing not to get trampled by ponies or caught by a tentacle monster for what seemed like forever, the crowd of ponies cleared up enough for me to look around without being tripped.

I looked around and found that a brown coloured pony was running right next to me dragging his cart along with him. His mostly empty cart, which had enough space for oh, I dunno, one just shorter than average, thin human? Guess who fit the bill?

I'm no parkour master though, so trying to jump onto the cart side on didn't work out. I ended up with my arms over the side of the thing, trying to bring myself up and doing all I could to not get my legs crushed by the wooden wheels. But I got inside eventually and lay down to catch my breath.

The pony that was now unwittingly dragging me along started slowing, thinking that he had outrun the beast. He looked back and found me in his leeks. He looked up and saw a big tentacle monster running straight toward him.

The pony was no Japanese schoolgirl, I'll give him that. Judging by the fact that he accelerated so much that I had to grab the sides of the cart to hold on.

I stayed on the cart for another minute or two until the pony started slowing down.

“Hey.” I yelled at him. “What's your name?”

“Green... Leek...” He panted out. The hell is wrong with all these ponies names? I frowned.

“See that alley over there?” I leaned over so he could see where I was pointing. “I need you to run through that.”

“But-”

“Stop talking!” I yelled, smacking him on the back of the head. Somewhat lightly. “You'll bite your tongue. Now turn!”

Fortunately he listened to me, so through the alley we went. Though I have no doubt that he only did because he was more scared than a wife during a castle siege.

The alley we went through was just wide enough for the cart to fit through and the monster chasing us was, from my estimate, too big to fit through. I was right.

I told my pony slave to turn again after looking back at the thing. It had stopped at the other end of the alley and wasn't following. It couldn't break through those walls like it had the doorways, so I assumed I was safe.

Until I saw the thing sailing through the sky that is.

Yes, of course. Give the big, evil monster jumping powers. What monster is complete without it?

It hit the ground with so much force that the buildings near where it landed next to shook and a window cracked. That made me feel less safe, and I already felt less safe than an untrained tightrope walker doing his thing over a crocodile infested river.

The monster did his moaning thing again, only this time it sounded more like a roar. If anything it made it more scary.

Green Leek had started panting loudly from running so much. I assumed it was because of all the running and figured that he was of no more use to me, so I ditched him, jumping off his cart and running back to the main street through another alley.

The impact of the monster hitting the ground and his massive roar were only slightly disconcerting, and I'd gotten my breath back from my initial sprint through town, so I was ready to run.

And run I did.

It was all too soon when I started running out of breath again, and the abomination chasing me wasn't letting up. If anything it seemed to be running faster.

It was as I was checking behind me to make that observation that I got tackled by a pony I hadn't seen approaching. I hit the ground, suddenly going sideways. When I finally stopped, I saw something I didn't really want to see.

But the monster was definitely a he.

Perverted thoughts aside, the pony that had tackled me hadn't said sorry, which was rude, and was dragging a cart behind him. Self preservation kicked in, I grabbed on, being dragged through the dirt hurt and I was eventually able to drag myself onto the cart, this one considerably more full but with apples rather than leeks.

I mentally decided that I didn't want to do that particular move a third time.

The pony that had hit me, that was now dragging me along with him, hopefully to safety, was coloured red and considerably bigger than the other ponies I had seen. Buff too.

I looked back to see that the monster had definitely not stopped accelerating.

“Hey!” I yelled behind me. “What's your name?”

“Mac.” He said, not even panting all that hard.

“What, like Big Mac?” I thought that meant a burger. With meat.

“Eeyup”

“I hate to ask things of people bigger than me, but could you please run faster.”

He looked back and looked at the big Eldritch abomination chasing his rear. Quite closely too. Gay joke incoming.

“Eeyup.” And with that, he ran faster.

Big Mac was actually able to maintain a reasonable distance from the monster. Until we reached the edge of town that is.

When we left the town's limits the monster roared. Really roared. None of that moaning crap he had been doing before. He had definitely gotten bigger, now being near the size of an elephant where before he had been closer to the size of a bull.

I had spent the ride keeping an eye on the monster, grotesque as it was, to make sure he didn't make any sneaky moves. So I got a good view of it turning into a big puff of black smoke as he chased us past the last building.

That's smoke, not miasma. The dark stuff that it was exuding off had gotten thicker as it chased us through town and now he, in gaseous form, retreated back into Ponyville.

Crisis averted and adrenalin running low, I just stared at where the smoke had been. I'm pretty sure that Big Mac tried talking to me, but it didn't register. So I guess he just shrugged and brought me along.

I was vaguely aware of the two of us arriving at a farm. Then I heard Mac talking so someone that sounded like him, but female. I was finally taken out of my stupor by someone nudging me without using restraint.

“Hey partner.” The new pony said. As the gears started moving in my head I immediately realised that this was the same voice I had heard at the Cake's place. “Mind telling me what you're doing in my apple cart?”

“Well...” I responded, brain still kicking into gear. “See, there was this thing chasing me, don't know what to call it. Do you know what to call it?” The orange pony shook her head. “Then I'll call it Jim. So Jim was chasing me through town, quite intent on me I would add, and not with good intent at that. There were several instances when Jim jumped over entire rows of buildings. He seemed to be getting bigger the longer he chased me and have you heard his moans?”

She nodded her head.

“So. While that was happening I decided that I had a craving for apples and I saw that this cart had plenty of apples in it so I jumped at the chance. Then I got dragged through the dirt and ended up on your cart. Did I mention that I was being chased by a gigantic hentai monster called Jim?”

“What does Hentai mean?” A new voice spoke out. I leaned over the cart and saw a young pony staring up at me. Kind of cute actually.

“I dunno Applebloom.” The still unnamed pony said before looking me in the eye. “What does it mean?” You don't want to know. I know I didn't.

“Things not meant for kids.” I said after deliberating on whether this Applebloom was mature enough for the truth.

“Aww...” Applebloom wilted. It was cute.

“Applebloom, go inside and finish lunch.” The orange pony cut in.

Applebloom sighed. “Sure, fine.” And pouted off. I was jealous, I'd never had that kind of control over my younger brother. It would have saved me many a headache.

“Now I never seen one of you before.” The only remaining female said. “What are you?”

“I'm a human and the names Sherry." I introduced myself “I already know Big ol' Mac's over there, but I don't know yours. If you would.”

“I'm Applejack.” Applejack introduced herself. I was stoked.

“No way, really?” I hadn't met another person named after a drink before, this was a first.

“Yeah, why?”

“Wait. You don't see the connection?” Applejack shook her head. “Do you know what beer is?”

“I can't say I do.” She said. I looked at Big Mac.

“Nope.” He said simply.

I sighed. “Damn.”

“So what are you doing here?” Applejack asked.

“I just told you that story. Remember Jim?” She sighed. “Or, I could be more broad and tell you why I'm here in a planetary sense. For which the answer is something I don't know.”

“I didn't ask for that. But does that mean you're from another planet?”

“Hell if I know.” Shit. I just realised how much that bothers me. “Are we going to have an interrogation session?”

Applejack looked at me for a few seconds. “Sure, I'm all done working for today. Just get off the cart first. Big Mac needs to put it in the barn.”

“Uh, sis.” Big Mac said. Then he looked at the barn. It was in terrible shape, I could tell from as far away as I was.

Applejack facehoofed, which was actually quite funny to see. “Of course. We were going to raze that barn today. Mac, go put the cart somewhere safe. I'll talk to Sherry.”

Big Mac didn't seem too bothered to miss out on the interrogation, so he just shrugged and pulled the cart away once I'd gotten off of it.

“You want to start?” Applejack asked me.

“Depends on our first topic of interrogation.” I replied.

“Don't call it an interrogation. It's unpleasant.”

I waved my hand. “Don't worry about it. I'll try not to be too belligerent.”

“Thanks” She thanked me. You're fucking welcome. You actually appreciate non-belligerency.

It was in this setting that we talked about me. Applejack asked all sorts of questions to which I answered as best we could. I told her that I'd been to see the Cakes and the mayor had come to see me, for all the good that did.

She was also filled in on Pinkie Pie going off to Canterlot to see the princess. She said it explained why she wasn't here throwing a last party for the barn.

“She's a strange one that Pinkie.” Applejack told me.

“Oh, I know that.” I said, thinking about some of the things she had done.

“Frankly I'm surprised she didn't throw you a party before she left.”

“What?”

Applejack explained Pinkie Pie as best she could. All I gathered from that exchange was that Pinkie was a strange one. Only to an extent I hadn't though of before. I didn't like the idea of Pinkie throwing parties for everyone and quite frankly I'd just say no. Though it sounded like other people had tried that rout to no avail.

I started turning the conversation back around on Applejack here. I asked questions about the monster, Ponyville and Equestria in general. But what I got was just re-hashing of what I already knew.

Applejack tried to ask about my world, but I countered with questions about her.

I learnt that she was an apple farmer almost exclusively, along with her brother, little sister and Granny Smith, who I assumed was actually a granny from the way names worked around here. But farmers are simple, so there wasn't much else for us to talk about after that. Until my stomach rumbled, that is.

“Whoa, that was a sound.” Applejack commented when my stomach was done.

“Yep.” I said, turning a bit red.

“When did you last eat?”

I did quick mental calculations. “This time yesterday. Say, you have anything I could eat?”

“Sure, I'd whip you up something. But I don't know what you eat.”

I looked around. Mainly so I wouldn't look Applejack in the eye while I thought about the fact that I eat meat. I'd found in our shortish conversation that Applejack was a really good judge of character and I'm sure she didn't see me as totally honest, though that doesn't mean I should clue her in every time I spin a lie. Or not tell the whole truth.

Fortunately, something caught my eye that saved me.

“Say, got any apples?”

That question was met with roaring laughter, the first real laughter I'd heard since coming here. So that was refreshing.

But I didn't find it as funny, so I just looked at her until she calmed down.

“Sure, we have apples.” And she took me inside where I was given the option to choose from a range of meals. All apple themed of course. In the end I went with an apple pie, which was better than I thought it would be.

We conversed as I ate, mostly talking about apple related foods since that seemed to be the whole gimmick of this farm. I met Granny Smith for the first time too, she was exactly like I expected her to be. Old, green and kind of sour. Applebloom had apparently finished her lunch and had gone into town.

When I was almost done with my food we were interrupted by Big Mac sticking his head through the door.

“Sis.” He said simply.

“Consarn it, I forgot didn't I?” Applejack asked.

“Eeyup.” He doesn't really say much. I observed. Then Applejack turned to me.

“I need to go tear a barn down.” She explained. “Now, I don't completely trust you just yet, but work is work, and I should get to it.”

I waved my hand that wasn't holding a fork. Not too sure why the ponies had forks but I wasn't complaining.

“Go do it. I'm interested in seeing things getting destroyed so I'll be right over. I'm also fairly sure that old Smithie over here would woop my ass if I tried anything.”

“I'll do more than woop ya.” She told me.

“Case in point.”

“Well. I'll see you soon then.” Applejack said as she walked out. “C'mon Mac.”

Big Mac, who had been just standing there judging me waited a second before following his sister. That told me they didn't trust me. I wasn't hurt by this, I understood well enough. If an unknown alien came to my house, got himself invited in, ate my food and was saying sarcastic things the whole time, I wouldn't trust them either.

The tearing down of the barn would fun to watch, and certainly more entertaining than sitting in that room back in the Library I figured. I've always had a distaste for being bored and an affinity for destruction, even though I wasn't very good at it.

I had just about arrived when I got jumped. Literally. The jump was a bit higher than I would have liked, considering that I cleared the trees.

“What the hell!?” Was my first reaction. My second reaction was to look down. An action that was arguably the stupidest thing to do in situations like mine.

I've never had much against heights. Vertigo however, which I started feeling as soon as I looked down, is something that hasn't ever agreed with me.

Fortunately the jump didn't last longer than five seconds, as I was thrown to the ground in front of the barn doing that feet in the air thing I've always seen done in the cartoons. I ticked that off my imaginary bucket list, but the taste didn't leave my mouth 'till the next day.

“AJ! I found this thing sneaking up on you.” A female voice shouted from above me.

“Really? What thing?” Applejack asked. I looked up from my spot on the ground in time to see her sigh. She was wearing this red helmate which looked a bit funny on her. “Rainbow Dash. This is Sherry, he's a human. I'm not too sure how he feels about being thrown to the ground.”

“I'm sure though.” I said through gritted teeth as I slowly picked myself up. “I don't appreciated it all that much.” I turned around to see the blue pegasus I had seen on my first day floating behind me.

I believe in repaying favours so I slapped her.

“Ow!” She yelled as she spun to the ground. Must have hit her harder than I thought. Ah well. “What the hell?”

I glowered at her. “Throw me to the ground and you can expect me to react in kind.”

“So that's how you want to play it?” She asked, quickly getting right in my face.

“Hey, hey. Calm down you two.” Applejack intervened, pushing the two of us apart. “Sherry, you don't want trouble right? Calm down.”

“Oh?” I snarled. “And she wants trouble?”

“You can bet I want trouble.” Rainbow Dash told me through gritted teeth, still trying to get at me.

“Rainbow.” Applejack warned. “Stop it. Sherry.” She looked right at me. “Stop.”

“Will do.” I said eventually, letting my furrowed brows return to normal. I looked at Rainbow Dash, who was still looking at me with fire in her eyes.

“Darn it. Is this going to be a problem?” Applejack asked the two of us.

I shrugged. “Depends on her.”

The 'her' in question responded with. “Depends on him.”

Applejack threw her hands up. Only she has no hands and used hooves instead. “I'm half a mind to just let you two go at it, but I kinda like the two of you an' I don't want to see either of you get hurt.”

“Wait, you like him?” Rainbow Dash asked in disbelief.

“Sure, he's funny.” I will remember that. “Even if he's not quite what I'm used to, what am I supposed to expect? He's alright.”

“Why?”

“Didn't I just explain that?”

Hearing Applejack talk about me like that, even if what she said was based on a few jokes and a ten minute conversation, made my pride swell up. So I decided to just suck it up and try sort things out.

“Hey.” I tried to get their attention. It worked for Applejack but Rainbow Dash was trying to comprehend Applejack's acceptance of myself. “I'm willing to forget about this if you are, Rainbow Dash.” I used her name to get her attention. “Got that?”

“What. Put it behind me?” Rainbow Dash asked skeptically.

“I'm sorry.”

“What?”

“I'm sorry for slapping you.” I apologised with my fingers crossed. “There, I left it behind me. Please do the same.”

Rainbow Dash seemed confused. I don't think she was expecting me to cave like that.

“Uh. Sure.”

Applejack seemed relieved that was over, if her sigh of relief was any indication.

“Now that you've finished squabbling, care to help me tear this barn down?” She asked us. I write us, but she didn't really direct that at me. Makes sense, considering my thin frame.

“Sure!” Rainbow Dash brightened up, remembering why she was here. Which I assume was to tear the barn down if Applejack's words could be trusted. So far she hadn't lied, so they could.

“I'll pass.” I said. “While I do enjoy things like that, I feel I would just get in your way.”

“That's okay.” Applejack told me. “I'm really just here to pick up after RD.” I fitted the nickname to Rainbow Dash immediately.

At the mention of her name, Rainbow Dash grinned and jumped into the air, going straight up. She seems awfully quick to show off. I observed.

“So what's she going to do?” I asked.

“You'll see.” Applejack answered cryptically. “Oh, and I'd take cover if I were you.” And with that, she jumped for cover.

“Why?” I asked, looking up. Rainbow Dash had reached her desired height and started coming back down, fast.

Looking around I saw Big Mac also running for cover. I heard a whistling sound, a screaming mare, looked up and saw a streak of multicoloured light aproaching and figured that they were finding cover for a reason. I figured I should do the same.

I managed to get behind a tree before the blast hit. Boy, was I glad I did.

I didn't get a direct look at the explosion, but if I did, I'm pretty sure I'd be blinded if the red cloud of smoke and the debris that flew past were indication.

When the dust settled I poked my head out to see a mushroom shaped cloud of rainbow coloured dust rising from where the barn used to be. A very proud Rainbow Dash stood in the middle.

Applejack trotted up next to me.

“I wasn't going to comment on the helmate.” I commented. “But I understand why.” That got a chuckle out of her.

“Well, usually RD goes at the Barn a bit before pulling that move, but this time the barn was so damaged I told her to just wreck it.” Applejack explained. “Sorry for not warning you.”

“Nah, it's okay.” I told her. “You've, as you said, had a busy day. That is usually enough for me to forgive an oversight like that. Even with the whole monster business going around. But advanced warning would be preferable next time.”

Big Mac walked over. “Second that.”

Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, was wondering where her applause was.

“Guys, where's my applause?” She asked.

I looked up at the still present rainbow cloud. “I'm still getting over the explosion.”

Six - Clothes and Smoke

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Chapter Six
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Clothes and Smoke

I stayed at the Apple's farm for about a few days. During that time I settled into something of a routine that almost felt normal. Which, ignoring the fact that I was living with ponies, was quite refreshing.

Applejack and her siblings always rose early but they seldom were up early enough to jump me. I was never that good at sleeping in. The food was all vegetarian and apple themed. I honestly didn't mind all that much. In fact I was grateful to go back to eating three meals a day plus the snacks in between.

Didn't change the fact that I missed meat though.

We figured out pretty quickly that I wasn't going to be much use on the farm. I was never all that physically strong. Fast, sure. But never strong. Compliments of living in city suburbs I guess.

They didn't let me onto the farm after the accident. Not putting that one to paper. Too embarrassing.

Fortunately there was a wreckage of a barn on property that needed cleaning up. A job that would be difficult for even someone of my deposition to mess up. So that's what I worked on to stave off boredom. When I wasn't procrastinating that is. The work to not work ratio was about 1:3.

Other than that I spent my time in the house chilling with either Granny Smith and Applebloom, with each being either too old or young to be trusted with working the farm.

Granny Smith was alright. I've always had a way with older folk and she had some pretty funny stuff to say. I tuned the 'Back in my day' speeches out though. I've heard too many of those.

Applebloom on the other hand I wasn't all that sure how to deal with. I had many opportunities to drop the knowledge, but I wasn't sure that, given the nature of the knowledge I considered dropping, Applejack would appreciate me telling her such things.

Besides, hentai is fucking weird.

Applebloom was a typical little girl. Loud and lonely, but typical. I heard her complaining that no one in town liked her. I thought she just needed some friends.

I also learned that she wasn't actually supposed to have gone into town on the day I arrived due to the fact that there was a monster called Jim there. She had slipped out before we went in for lunch and gone grocery shopping.

Why they deemed her responsible enough for that kind of grocery duty and not working the farm was beyond me.

It was on my second day at the farm that Applejack tried to coax me into going back to town.

“Oh hell no.” I stated. “I am not going back there while a creepy scary tentacle monster lies in wait.”

“I understand the risk” Applejack said. “But if you want to stay around here wouldn't it be better for you to get the town ponies to accept you?” I assumed that 'here' was more general than where I was currently sitting.

“I am staying right here.” We were in the ruins of the barn that still hadn't been fully picked up. I was lying on a wooden chair that I had made with wooden debris during my procrastination hours. I don't know why, it was real uncomfortable. “I don't see how the town ponies have any say on me staying right where I am.”

“You know that's not what I mean.”

“And you know that Jim is waiting for me.” I didn't know why, but the monster had been quite intent on me for some reason. I don't think it was because of my dashing looks.

Looks, mind you, that did not exist.

“If he can't leave Ponyville like I think he can, then why would I risk going back there?” I argued.

“Sherry.” She busted out my name. “You're a freeloader at my house. You're not doing farm work, you don't do chores and you haven't been picking up the barn like I asked you to. It's the least you could do to help me with shopping.”

“Hey, barns are heavy. I wasn't made for physical labour so can you really be that surprised by my lack of speed with the job?”

“Nice try. I've seen you work. You work slower than a snail.” Busted. “Your attempts at carpentry aren't helping the job along either.” Applejack said, looking at my makeshift seat.

“I'll admit that you keep the place clean.” Applejack continued. “But that just isn't enough.”

“Well, it's nice to see that my only virtue doesn't go unappreciated.” I sighed. “When do we go?”

“As soon as you get up.”

I raised my hands in surrender and attempted to stand up. An attempt that was thwarted by the shoddy chair collapsing before I took all my weight off it.

There was much laughter from Applejack following my display of clumsiness, and I didn't manage to incapacitate myself so off into town we went.

I was fortunate enough to not be immediately assaulted by an Eldritch abomination upon entering the town, thankfully. But I was hesitant to relax.

I'm not sure what I was expecting when I walked through town.

Ponies stopped and stared, some didn't stop but still kept an eye on me. Can't blame them I suppose.

I tried to be chatty and charming but I've never been all that good under the public eye. I get flustered as many others do when put on the spot. But I was walking so I tried to walk it off. Essentially, all I did was keep next to Applejack and respond to questions directed at me in any kind of manner that didn't include me being a dick. It was hard. I turn into an asshole when put under pressure.

After the ponies got over their initial shock, they followed me following Applejack doing shopping for whatever was on that list. While they were doing that they asked so many generic questions that I'm just not even going to try and write them down.

I already wrote the answers to those questions in earlier entry anyway.

Since we were in town I asked Applejack if we could drop by the library and pick some things up. Namely the thing I'm writing in right now.

The door to the treebrary had been fixed in a really budget fashion. They had used wooden boards to sort of fix the entrance and stuck the door in the middle. The fact that the tree was still made of tree made the wooden boards really stick out though.

As I passed through the door I took a second to marvel at the fact that the ponies had managed to make the doorway the perfect size and shape for the door, but had hammered the wooden boards in all wonkey. And they hadn't even bothered with the door upstairs.

Ponyland lacks sense.

I got my things, my new diary, little else worth mentioning, and made to leave town. But Applejack had an idea.

“Say, those clothes of yours look like they could use a wash.” She commented as I put my diary in her bag along with four dummy books.

Or three. “I could use another set of clothes too. This was only supposed to last me a day.” I explained.

“A day?”

“Yep. And I've been wearing this set for a week. It's why I stink.” Thank god I stopped noticing it after the day three.

“Now that you mention it, you do stink.” Applejack wrinkled her nose. Or muzzle. Or snout. I don't know pony okay.

“What do you propose we do about it? I don't see any way to get more clothes and I'm not going around naked.”

“Well, we could just go to Rarity's. She's good with clothes.” A good idea if ever I heard one.

“Which way?” I asked. She pointed. We went that way.

I found myself standing outside 'The Carousel Boutique', a building shaped like a merry go round only taller. It didn't have a sign on it but AJ told me it was called as such. I had second thoughts about going inside.

Applejack pushed me inside before I could vocalize these thoughts.

Inside was a very pink or purple dressing room, with a stand for someone to stand on while their tailor did their work and a full length vanity mirror behind that. The reason I used the word 'or' with the colours is because it was somewhere between the two. Don't judge me, I'm bad with colours and you're the one reading my diary.

There was a white coloured pony that I assumed was Rarity working on a dress, she was so focused that she didn't realise that she had visitors. I wondered what the hell the bell at the door was for.

“Ahem.” Applejack 'ahem'ed, getting the pony's attention. “Rarity I was wondering if you could help out with something.”

Rarity glanced over and returned to her dress. “Yes, what is it?” I realised that this was the one I had creepily watched in the library.

“Sherry here needs some clothes.”

“Who's Sherry?”

“That'd be me.” I stepped in. Not literally of course. The concept of conversation is a difficult thing to walk through.

Rarity finally looked at me and realised that I was not a pony. “Oh.” That was her first impression of me. “What are you?” She asked after a few seconds.

“Sherry.” I replied.

“He's a human.” Applejack interrupted, giving me a look. “His clothes stink so I thought you might be able to help him into some new ones.” It took Rarity a few more seconds to see my clothes. At which point she gasped.

“I say.” She say-d, looking me up and down. “Those clothes are absolutely atrocious.” I looked down at my blue shirt and jeans, then back at her. I can't say I agreed with her. “They smell atrocious too.I can't let this insult to fashion stand. You stay there, I'll be right back.” Then she rushed off, slamming the door behind her.

I looked at Applejack. “Does she normally do that?” I wasn't all that insulted. My parents had said worse.

“I wouldn't know.” She told me. “But she's certainly passionate.”

“Like you are with your apples?”

“Yeah. Kinda like that.”

There was a silence.

“Hey, you know how she told me to stay here?” I asked Applejack.

“What about it?” I took one step to the left. She grinned and took a step to the left too. “She won't even realise.” I chuckled at that. That was so petty. But what the hell do I care? Life is meant for the small pleasures.

When Rarity came back there were various items hanging in the air behind her, suspended in a blue aura. Rarity's horn was covered in the same aura. I knew that Rarity was a unicorn but I didn't realise that meant she could do magic. I had thought the horn was just for show. I had time to think hell related things before I was lifted with them and carried to Rarity's work stand. I barely even registered that she had no idea I hadn't stayed right there.

The fashion pony's items spun around me. A tape measure measured various parts of my body. Other things did other things that I didn't see. More than a few of the things poked me.

I didn't much appreciate that. “What the hell is going on?” I asked.

“Why, I'm helping you with those tacky clothes.” Rarity explained as she went through more of her things. I didn't realise that she had just called my clothes tacky.

“I meant why are all these things floating.” I grabbed the tape measure. It didn't leave the blue aura but I was able to keep it in one spot enough to look at it. It was a normal tape measure if you ignored the floating and blue aura thing.

Rarity looked at me blankly. “Because I'm floating them.” She explained like she couldn't believe I didn't know.

“How?”

“Magic.” I suppose I shouldn't really be surprised that magic was a thing here. Especially after the way that Jim had turned to smoke.

“Fair 'nuff.” I said, releasing the tape measure. It went back to measuring. I looked at Rarity and saw her pulling all kinds of fabric. This was something I didn't find weird, as fabric is something that clothes are made of and we'd just dealt with the magic. What I didn't appreciate was that all were some shade of either pink or purple. Neither of which were included in my catalog of proffered colours.

“Rarity.” I said. “No pink.” All the items stopped flying around.

“Why not?” Rarity asked. “Pink is a great colour.”

“While I do not disagree, I will not wear pink.”

“But it's fashionable.” Which doesn't mean much, or anything at all, to me.

“Even so, I will not wear pink.” We had a little staring contest.

Eventually she sighed. “Very well, no pink. I wouldn't want to offend a new customer after all.” The pink fabrics went back to their hiding spots. The purple ones kept coming.

“No purple either.” I told her. All the fabrics dropped to the floor.

“What colour would you want then?” Rarity asked me with quite some hostility.

“Whoa, calm down.” I said while doing the good ol' calm down gesture which was lost on her. She hadn't really had all that much experience with human gestures I was guessing. “Blue will do. The darker the better.”

“But it's almost the middle of summer.” Rarity exclaimed. “Why would anypony want to wear dark colours? And pink is in this season.”

“Well I don't really like to interrupt.” Applejack interrupted. Only in hindsight do I chuckle at the irony of such situations. “But I have work I need to get back to, so can I leave Sherry with you and he can get back to me after you're done?”

I was about to request that she kindly not, but Rarity beat me to it.

“Absolutely Applejack.” Rarity told her and started ushering her out. “Once we're finished he will come back to you properly clothed and with a respect for fashion.”

“No Applejack.” I called out. “Don't leave me!”

“I'll see you later Sherry.” Applejack waved to me before she was pushed out the door. Now it was just me and a slightly forceful fashion unicorn. I didn't like where that put me in the order of things. I didn't complain though. I probably should have.

Hours later, I don't know how many and my watch had been stuck on six past six since I got here, I stumbled out of Rarity's dungeon. She doesn't actually have a dungeon but I'm calling it that because I got tortured in there. I resolved to complain as much as I could the next time I was stuck with her.

Rarity had somehow convinced me to let her see what clothes of lighter colour shades looked like on me. Next thing I knew she had fashioned god knows how many dresses to try on me. It was horrifying. They were all different colours and she had managed to snap photos of me in several pink, purple and I don't know what to call the rest, but my pride shrank with every new piece whipped out. I had caught on to her taking the pictures and tried to get her to 'stop that or I'll beat your ass.' and destroy the ones she'd already taken.

I don't think she did, but I had three bags of new clothes to lug around and was wearing a new set myself. The old set was being taken care of by Rarity. I may not trust her with my body, but I figured clothes were safe. There was actually a funny exchange when she actually looked at the cartoon on my shirt.

“What is this design on your chest?” Rarity asked, poking me in said area.

“Two things first.” I held up two fingers. She raised an eyebrow. “Stop poking me and don't call it my chest, it's a shirt.”

“You could have just asked.” Rarity said as she lowered her hoof.

I did. Five minutes ago.

“But what is this design on your chest?”

I sighed. “It's a cartoon. Specifically, of a rabbit.”

“What's a cartoon?”

Seriously, it's just questions, questions, questions with these ponies. I thought for a bit before trying to explain.

I failed so horribly I'm not going to write it down here for the benefit of my future self. God, that was embarrasing. How did it even turn to anime?

Rarity nodded. “I see.” I don't know how she understood my explanation but I wasn't about to try and correct myself.

My shirt, for those who haven't seen it, was light blue with a cartoon of a bunny rabbit posing to cast a shadow that looked like a palm ready to receive a high five. I really liked that shirt. I hoped I would get it back.

Anyway, I was on my way back to Applejack's farm. No way I was spending the night in Ponyville. Not with Jim potentially lurking around every corner.

It was starting to get dark when I was walking back, so the streets were starting to clear up. Ponies stared of course, but considering I'd only been introduced to them days before with Jim in tow they had excuse enough that I didn't judge them. Much.

I got tired of the stares eventually, so I cut through an alley. Ponyville really has a lot of those. I almost cursed my luck, but I've long since learned to stop trying to tempt fate.

It's not like Jim met me in an alley. He was much too big. Nay. What I was met with was a swirling mass of smoke.

It didn't do much. It just swirled there. Not much larger than one of the bags I was carrying. When I decided to just leave it be and turned around it made it's move. I only know this because it swooshed past me and started chocking me. Then I blacked out.

I'm not sure how to describe where I found myself. It was like a dreamscape that hadn't had anyone dream anything up yet, only pure white. I was standing on something, but it was indistinguishable from the blankness around me. Certainly wasn't Ponyville, it gave me a bit of vertigo too.

When I got as close to bearings as I was going to get, I saw movement off to my right. I turned to find the swirling smoke that had just assaulted me swirling impassively.

“You just assaulted a man.” I told it. It continued swirling. “That's just slightly, if not more than a bit, rude.” It was actually way more rude than that. I just like dancing around issues.

A few moments passed.

“You could at least explain yourself.” I tried. Nothing. “Whelp, now I'm stuck in yet another new dimension with the smokey thing that brought me here and it's a worse conversationalist than a mute.” They're great conversationalists actually. They always ask just the right questions.

More nothing.

“If you don't answer me I'm going to act like your teenage daughter when you start trying to talk to me. Never had a daughter? That's fine, I'll explain how things'll happen. You try to make up with me and I tear apart your self esteem. I'll ignore you lots too. How do you feel about that?”

Guess what? More nothing.

I hmmphed, but didn't say anymore. I considered talking away from the issue, but then I noticed that the smoke was getting bigger.

Not just bigger. Denser too. At first I could see through the smoke, but now I couldn't see through any of it.

It wasn't messing around either. It was already larger than I was and still going. Then it stopped and started wearing itself away. I'm not sure where the wisps it discarded went, but I was focused on what it was revealing, because whatever was in that cloud was big.

So when I saw it was Jim I just facepalmed. I should have seen it coming.

Jim was smaller than he had been when he chased me through town. Maybe he had run off a few kgs. He also had gone through a makeover of the physical kind. His face was now much more ordered, a change that plastic surgeons back home would have spent days trying to do. He actually kind of looked like a human now.

The whole walking on four legs thing ruined any illusion of that though. That and he still had the tentacles everywhere. Plus miasma. Never forget miasma.

I didn't say anything. I just got ready to run, not that it would do me any good in this place. Surprisingly, I needn't have done that. Jim wanted to talk.

“Rklhafulhaskljfr.” He said. I don't know what he said or how to pronounce it, so I just simulated slapping a keyboard a bunch of times.

I frowned. “Sorry?”

He was silent for a while. His face looked like it was thinking real hard. Then he looked directly at me.

“Hueilqe nmjea.”

Now that might not look like much written down. But it sounded to my ears like he was saying 'Help me.'

I took the time required to process what I heard.

“Help.” I said eventually. “You want help.”

Jim didn't say anything, he just looked down as if he was ashamed.

“Why in the seven hells did you chase me through town?”

“Mawoemobgaesss gueots.” Jim was not good at talking. I managed to translate, I think, what he meant.

“So you're some kind of mind parasite?” I asked. “Because I think you just said my memories are good.”

Jim nodded.

I rubbed my temples. “Are you taking memories from me now?” Another nod. “Stop.”

Jim's eyes narrowed and he let out a bellowing that, quite frankly, hurt my ears. I couldn't have understood it if I tried.

When he stopped I couldn't hear things for a while. So I tried to say some things to get Jim to calm down, but nothing worked. I never was a good mediator.

At length I just told him. “Mate, I just want some answers. I woke up in ponyland with no memory of how or why and I want answers. I've gotten no closer to my answers because my lack of memory and I don't know who to ask for help. You eat memories which, while I don't understand the reasoning, I will not hold it against you, provided you aren't using whatever powers you have on me. Powers which might have already screwed over my chances of getting the information I want. So stop. Or I will find a way to hurt you.”

Now would be a good time to mention that as our conversation was occuring, Jim was still undergoing transformation. I only noticed this at precisely the moment I finished my speech, or the moment that Jim stood up on two feet.

He was tall, at least twice my height. His face remained sorta unchanged and everything else was different. What was previously the behind of a horse or something had almost completely become that of a human's. Apply this for everywhere except the tentacles.

Then I realised that I was facing a very large version of myself. A version of myself that was also pissed off.

“Well.” I said out loud. Shit.

Next thing I knew I woke up in the dirt of a Ponyville alley. No one had gone through the alley in the time I was out. I didn't know how long I was out, but it was long enough for the sky to go completely dark.

Looking up at the sky I noticed for the first time that the moon had a very large picture of a pony in it. It probably wasn't a picture, but I suck at remembering the nouns of these things, so picture it is.

I resolved to ask a pony about that later.

In the meantime I picked up my bags and continued on my way back to Applejack's.

As I made my way through town I realised that the town streets were empty. There must have been no witch hunt on tonight.

A quick glance at the orange haze reaching over some buildings proved otherwise. I decided to stay away from that part of town that night.

The night wasn't complete until I passed Jim though. Or rather, the smoke that Jim was flying around as. When I saw him, or it, I suppose, with him being gaseous matter at the moment, I just hid and waited. The tactic worked, Jim floated off and I went on my merry way.

I got back to the farm with no further incident.

I noticed that someone had cleaned up the ruins of the barn, effectively putting me out of a job, and put down the foundation for a new barn. I shrugged at that and went inside the main building.

“Yo.” I said as I entered the dining room to find all the Apples looking quite worried about something. “Anyone know where I can put these?”

“Sherry!” Applejack yelled as she flew at me. Note that she is not a pegasus. I found myself absolutely wrecked by my first pony hug, all smothered in a vice grip and grateful for the soft sacks still hanging behind me where I carried them.

I understand that hugs are good things. I wasn't all that averse to them back home and it was always good to have a way to make my closer friends squirm at will. They are a great way of expressing emotion. So the hug I was currently confined in said that Applejack actually cared for me and that touched me in a way that I hadn't been touched before. But mostly I couldn't breath.

That wasn't sexual by the way. That was me feeling emotion.

“Applejack.” I got out through gritted teeth. “Can't... Breath...”

“What?” She asked, still holding me close.

“Can't... Breath.”

She finally got the message.

“Oh Celestia, I'm so sorry. It's just that you didn't turn up when it got dark, so we assumed Rarity was just keeping you. Then it kept getting later and later.”

“Shh, Applejack.” I held a finger to her lip. “I'm here now. I'm fine.” Then my stomach growled. “On second thought my current health is borderline dead. Whatchu got to eat?”

I saw concern flash across AJ's face. Then she connected the dots and started to give me the options. I could guess what the main ingredients were. She got interrupted by a terrified little girl pony though.

“Sherry are you really going to die?” Applebloom got up in my face. She was talking really fast too. “Oh Celestia, you're really going to die aren't you. What can we do? Tell me there's something we can do.” I don't know how she was up in my face, she was barely taller than my shin. A quick look down told me that she was standing on my chest. How though, I'll never know. Balance at that angle shouldn't have been possible.

Either way I decided not to question it, and looked up to see AJ about to pry her little sister off me. But I had an idea, so I held up a hand to get her to stop. Then I looked Applebloom in the eye.

“There is only one way to save me from my condition.” I told her.

“What is it?” Applebloom got even closer. “Tell me so I can help you!”

I picked her off of me. “I need three shoes, twenty one strands of hair and forty two leaves exactly. Then I will be able to mix the potion to save my life.”

“I'll get that.” Applebloom nodded vigorously.

With a slow nod I dropped her and she was gone so fast I almost thought she teleported. But that isn't possible.

“Don't forget the blood of a virgin.” I called after her.

I turned to the rest of the Apples who were letting the laughter out. Even Big Mac was letting out a chuckle.

“That was a good one.” Applejack chuckled. Granny Smith agreed in her own fashion. Namely continuing her laughter. I just shrugged and explained the gesture when I got questioned about it. Then I got food.

Half an hour later Applebloom came back into the house with what I'd asked for. This included the shoes, the hairs, the leaves and a vial filled with red liquid. I tucked that one away before too many questions could be asked.

I quickly pawned off the questions of why I wasn't immediately making the potion to AJ and went back to the food I was still eating. Don't judge me, I'm a slow eater.

The rest of the night was pretty simple. I ate, I showered and I slept. The next day was more interesting though.

I woke to see a pink figure looking at me.

“Pinkie?” I questioned as I slowly woke up.

“Yep!” Pinkie responded. Only a little bit too loudly. “And I'm here to throw you a party.” What? “Surprise!” Out of nowhere all kinds party stuff appeared and threw streamers everywhere. “Welcome to Ponyville!”

I waited for a bit. Nothing but Pinkie posing in front of me, looking at me expectantly.

I went back to sleep.

“No Sherry! Don't die. You have so much to live for.” Pinkie rushed over and started manhandling me. I suppose that still applies. Seeing as I was the one being handled.

Eventually she got me facing upward and had my arms locked down. I groaned.

“It's too early.”

“But it's late.”

“No it isn't. It's early because I'm a morning person and I'm still trying to sleep. So buzz off and let me be.”

“Silly Sherry.” Pinkie giggled. “It's midday.” My eyes shot open and I looked through the window. It was indeed rather bright outside.

“Fuck.” I don't usually swear out loud. Waking up does strange things to you man. “Pinkie get off me.”

“Only if you get up.”

“Deal. Now gerroff me.” She got off me and I did my typical wake up routine before getting to the meaty stuff. “So how was the pri- *Tummy rumble* god I need food.” Pinkie produced a taco. I didn't think tacos were healthy things to have for breakfast but I wasn't complaining. A bite told me the taco was vegetarian. I don't know what I expected. “Thanks. So how was the princess?”

“Oh, she was really nice. She let me go on for days about you and Jim.” I don't know how she found out about that name. “At the end she woke up and told Twilight to come to Ponyville to study you and Jim.”

I didn't respond because I was eating my taco. We were making our way to the dining room. Eating while walking is inadvisable, by the by. It leaves you with a killer stomach ache and then you have to sleep the rest of the day. But I didn't really care right then.

I finished eating the taco. “So who's this Twilight come to study?” I asked Pinkie.

“Oh she's-” Pinkie started as we entered the dining room. Then suddenly the room had a door to the front of the house and Applejack was inviting a purple unicorn into the house.

Pinkie did this incredibly long gasp and vanished in a puff of smoke.

I blinked, then walked over to the new pony.

T'was as such that I met the purple menace.

Seven - Twinkle-Terrogations

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Chapter Seven
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Twinkle-Terrogations.

One of the things I've noticed since coming to Equestria is that some of these ponies are really rude. That, or they are completely oblivious to social norms. The latter point doesn't have much merit because the social norms I've noticed regarding not being rude are barely even there. But that only makes the former point more true.

The purple pony coming in was barely giving Applejack any attention. Not even bothering to introduce herself. She completely disregarded the entire room when she saw me. Next thing I knew, I was backed up against the table with lavender in my face. The pony not the smell.

“So you're the human.” She said about two centimeters from my face. “I have so many questions for you.”

“I hope these questions are original.” I pushed her away from my personal bubble. “Twilight, I presume.”

“It can speak!” Not liking that pronoun. “Spike, take note.” Twilight addressed someone behind her.

“Got it.” I heard a very prepubescent voice say from behind her. I craned my neck to see a little purple dragon scribbling something down on parchment.

Shit, an actual dragon? Dragons are awesome. Damn he's writing fast. I notice strange things at my own convenience.

I opened my mouth to speak but Little Miss Lavender beat me to it.

“Where did you come from? How did you get here? Where did you learn to speak? What do you eat? Why does your fur look so strange?” Etcetera. Etcetera.

I tried to stop the onslaught of questions, but Twilight was on a roll.

I tried again to be talked right over with the question 'What are those things on your hooves?'

Eventually I clapped my hands right in front of her, making her stop and blink.

“Twilight. You aren't very good at this interviewing thing are you?” I rubbed my slightly stinging hands. The fault of clapping at an angle.

“Sorry?” She smiled sheepishly.

“You're asking so many questions so quickly that I don't have enough time to answer them. Seems kind of detrimental to the purpose of an interrogation doesn't it?” She lowered her head, which was a little red. “And while I'm at it you should be a good guest and give your host some attention. Because you are not being a good guest.” I gestured at Applejack who was looking mighty disappointing at being disregarded.

“I'll say.” Applejack agreed.

“Sincerest apologies.” Twilight apologized. “I just got a bit overexcited when I saw...” She looked to me, unsure of my name.

“Applejack.” I lied. That got me a look from the real Applejack.

“Applejack.” Twilight finished.

I was still getting a look from AJ. “Well, I suppose it isn't something to get all riled up over.” Applejack said eventually. “If you're going to ask him a few questions could you do it outside? I've got the family coming in for lunch soon, I need the space.”

“That seems reasonable.” Twilight responded, her attention returning to me. “We'll get right out of you hair.”

Applejack just grunted and waved toward the door.

“Talk to you later. Sherry.” I said pointedly as I passed.

We walked through a few rooms before ending up outside. This place has goddamn cartoon logic, I swear. Pretty soon Twilight was back to asking me questions. I'll actually write these ones down. Crazy business this world is.

“So what are you exactly?” Twilight started the game. The purple dragon, who is called Spike, was trailing behind us with quill ready to write down anything I said.

“Long answer or short?” I asked.

“Long.” I raised an eyebrow. I suppose given what I'd already seen of her I shouldn't have been surprised. I resolved to only ever give her the short answer in the future.

“Homosapian.” I answered. Spikes quill started scratching. “Otherwise known as human. Descended from monkeys. Or apes. One of those.”

Twilight checked to make sure Spike was taking notes. He gave out an irritated sound but continued writing.

“What does Homosapian mean?”

I shrugged. “I dunno. Probably something to do with shape. Never did science at school.”

“You have school? Spike, take note.”

“I got it!” The little dragon spoke out, a little more than mildly irritated. “Just, keep asking it questions and leave me be.” I didn't like the use of that pronoun.

Twilight disregarded Spike's outburst. “So what do homosapians learn at school? What are they like?”

Fucking stressful, that's what they're like. “You have school?” I asked twilight. She nodded. “Then I guess it's pretty much exactly the same but with humans instead of ponies”

“Spike-”

“I Got It!” The little guy was looking close to stabbing the parchment with his quill. I wanted to tell Twilight to lay off the guy but I wasn't sure it was my place. Either way she had more questions.

“You mentioned science.” I already knew I wouldn't be able to answer. “What do you know about science?”

“Almost nothing. I said I didn't do science at school.”

“Then what do humans in general know about science?”

“A hell of a lot more than me. Though I could drop the knowledge at a pindrop.”

“Applejack could you 'drop the knowledge' right now?”

Well I suppose that's a pindrop. “From what I gathered reading potential course outlines, Human sciences cover four main areas. These areas being biology, chemistry, physics and general sciences. Wait.” I realised I was being an idiot. “Scratch that we only have three, cut out the general. Spike's already taking note by the way.”

“Thank you!” Spike thanked me, I shrugged.

Twilight looked at me with confusion. “That was a shrug. Where are we going by the way?” We'd passed Big Mac a while back and had just left the front gate of Applejacks farm. I waved at him.

“Into town.” Twilight explained sounding a bit miffed. I got the feeling she wanted to be the one in control of the conversation. “There's a library there that has nopony living in it right now. So that's where I'll be staying for my stay at Ponyville. That's where you'll be staying too, until I can get permission to take you back to Canterlot.” Still don't like that name.

I stopped for obvious reasons. “Twilight, there are two reasons that I'm not going to go into town. First: You may have heard of Jim, he's the big monster that's been terrorizing the town.” She nodded her head. “Second: Screw that noise. Third: I'm perfectly happy with staying right here at Apple-Sherry's farm. Because Jim can't leave the town limits, even if Sherry's farm is technically part of the town.”

“That was three reasons.” Twilight pointed out.

“No it wasn't. And my name isn't Applejack.”

“I don't understand.”

“Don't worry. Half of what I just said was a lie.” She looked right confused right then.

She got over it unfortunately. “Argh. You're distracting me from what I want answered.” I smiled. “What do you know about science?”

“Didn't we just clear this up? I know nothing.”

“Then what about magic?”

“Myths and legends as far as humanity is concerned.”

“So you know nothing?”

“I know myths and legends. I actually studied a few.”

“What did these, myths and legends entail exactly?”

“All kinds of things. Ancient deities, forces of nature, straight up magic, lightning and most importantly, blood magic.” My hand moved to where I had hid the red vial I got last night. “Humans do some crazy things.”

Twilight was looking terrified. I decided that, even if I was never going to use the long answers, messing with this one going to be a lot of fun.

“Hey Twilight, those were just myths, nothing I ever dabbled in.” I attempted to comfort her. But I did research them.

I succeeded and Twilight got a grip on herself. “Please don't say things like that. Blood magic has a very bad reputation in Equestria. The last one in power had to be stopped by Celestia almost five hundred years ago.”

I really hoped that this wouldn't be information I needed in the future.

Oh that's definitely going to be information you need.

“Anyway.” Twilight continued. “We need to get to the library so I can start asking the real questions.”

“Nope.” I shook my head. “Not going into town. You must have a penchant for forgetting what just went through your head because I just explained why I'm not going in there.”

“Why was that again?” I could not believe this lady/Pony/Fuck it.

I sighed heavily and started to explain the why once again. Spike beat me to it though.

“Something about a monster called Jim.” He explained, tapping the parchment in his claws. I had a feeling I would like Spike.

“Thank you Spike.” Twilight said endearingly. It might have been just me but it sounded closer to dismissively.

Either way Twilight returned her focus to me. “If this monster, Jim, shows up, then I would like to study it. Even if that does happen, we're still going to the library.” Then her horn glowed purple and so did the entirity of my vision. I looked down to see that I'd been completely covered in a purple aura. Given the experience I had with Rarity and her magic, I did not approve.

“Put me down right now.” I told Twilight.

“Given what you've already said about going into town, this is the only way I can think of to get you to where I want you to go.” And with that the three of us were all happily walking toward Ponyville. Those of us that were walking at least.

“Applejack, don't stop talking.” Twilight was acting just a little stuck up. “I can still ask you questions while using magic, and Spike's writing down everything you say, so there's no reason to stop.” Spike was indeed writing down everything I said. Which, considering I was saying nothing, wasn't that much of a feat. “Could you tell me more about those myths of yours, or should we move onto a different topic.”

She was trying to do a sweet smile at me.

“Twilight.” I said at length. “What do you know of anger?”

She blinked. “It's an emotion that ponies feel when they have been wronged and is what guides them to retaliate, when put shortly. Why?”

“Humans feel anger Twilight. They feel a lot of it.” I let that sink in.

“Interesting. Spike?” Not the reaction I was expecting, or wanted.

“Got it.” Spike scribbled on his parchment.

“I just insinuated that if you do not return me to the ground and allow me free range of my movement I will find a way to hurt you.” I don't have much experience with threats, so this one definitely could have been done better.

Twilight snorted. Example. “How could you hurt anyone? You don't have hooves and you barely weigh more than Spike. You're more fragile than anything I've ever come across.”

“Spike.” I tried a different tactic. “Look me in the eye.” He did. “Will I hurt Twilight?”

Spike did a dragon gulp which was kind of funny. I didn't laugh though.

“Uh, Twilight.” He poked at her side. “I think you should let Applejack down.” Good to see someone can take me seriously.

“Oh, Spike. This is a delicate matter between Applejack and I.” Yep. Twilight just told Spike that the grown ups are talking. I'll just reiterate that Spike is a fucking dragon. “We should get to the library soon enough to spend most of today questioning Applejack.” She addressed that second half to me.

I remembered that I wasn't actually all that imposing. So intimidation attempts would just fly over everyone's heads.

“Fine, I'll go into town with you. But don't be surprised when an Eldritch abomination jumps out of the sky and lands on my face.”

“What's an Eldritch abomination?” Twilight asked.

“You obviously don't have the Old Gods.”

“The what?”

“More questions for interrogation time.” I waved my hand. “I have things at Applej-Sherry's farm. I'll need those if I'm going to be living with you for the long haul. Which sounds like something I don't have a say in.”

Twilight thought on that for a few seconds. “Yes, I do suppose you will need your things. Stay here Applejack. I'll get them for you.”

That raised a few questions. Like: How do you know what my things look like? You aren't going to find them without help, and I doubt you're going to ask for it. Why the fuck should I stay here? Your magic just dissipated and dropped me like half a meter onto my ass. And did you just abandon Spike?

These questions went unasked as Twilight had turned around and was off the way we came before I could vocalize those thoughts.

Also, Twilights magic dissipated and I fell half a meter onto my ass and Twilight up and abandoned Spike.

“Is she always like this?” I asked Spike, who had rolled up the parchment with question time over. Or, at least, delayed.

“Nah.” He 'nah'd. “She's just gotten a bit worked up since Celestia told her to stop reading so much and get some air.”

“This is the Princess Celestia I've been hearing so much about?”

“Yeah, I'd say so.”

“What's she like?” I wanted a gauge on what the ruler of the land was like before an unopertune meeting with her. A man's gotta prepare.

“She's nice. Always looking for what's best for her ponies. Almost more of a mother to me than Twilight.” Some questionable images just flashed through my mind. “She's also the most gentle and caring pony ever. Everypony loves her.”

I raised an eyebrow. This Celestia apparently cared for all her subjects. Yet she appeared to know one such subject, namely the dragon Spike, personally and had him speaking pronouns which by all rights did not apply to him.

That did not add up. And reminded me of something.

“Pronouns Spike.” I said.

“What about them?”

“I'm about to learn you about them.”

“I... What?”

And so I explained to Spike why referring to a he with 'it' was a bad idea. I may have gotten a bit hostile but I've learnt that people generally remember things better when they're under fire.

I finished just before Twilight got back with my stuff. But not my diary.

I sighed. “I knew this would happen, damnit. Twilight we're going back. You missed something.”

“No I didn't. I asked Sherry about it and she said that all your things were in these bags.” She was referring to the three bags she had in her magical grasp.

“Lady.” Should I even call you that? “I also have books. Books that you just left behind.”

“Ooh. Are they human books?”

“No.”

“Then they aren't needed for any of the experiments I'm going to be running. I'm sure there are copies of those books at the library.”

What now? “Hold up, Twinkle. If you're expecting me to just go along with you then you have another thing coming for you. And that isn't results or information. That's a slap.” She shrugged, not really caring. “Also, the books I got were all taken from the library so I'm not expecting to find anymore copies of those ones in particular.”

“Why are you being so difficult?”

“Probably because you're forcing me to do things against my will.”

“Then how can I get you to do what I want?”

“Try asking politely, don't go right up in someone's face one second after meeting them and don't use magic to get what you want.” Brute force never works. Except when it does. “Spike was doing that earlier and we got on fine.”

“But you got really hostile.” Spike pointed out.

“That's because you referred to me as an it. But that's beside the point, I was talking about after that.” I explained.

“I suppose...” Spike trailed off. Twilight looked like she was dealing with a headache.

“So can I go get my books now?” I asked Twinkle “I doubt you know what they look like.”

She sighed. “I think dealing with you will be a pain if I don't let you.” Got that right. “Fine. But you're coming to the library immediately after” Nice job listening to my advice.

“Sweet.” And we turned around and went back the way we came.

Applejack wasn't expecting me back, which kinda hurt my feelings. But I got my books without too much of a hassle. As I was leaving Applejack finished cooking lunch and offered myself and Twilight some. Twilight turned 'Sherry' down of course.

I asked if she had lunch to go and she tossed me a pre-made lunch to go. I don't know how she had the forethought but I wasn't complaining.

Anyway, Twilight didn't let anything else come in between her and her sweet interrogation time, much to my dismay. So we made it to the library in sweet time.

“Tell me about this 'Earth' you come form.” Twilight said as she closed the library door behind her. She had, of course, been asking questions the whole way to the library. The topics covered were my increasingly lack of knowledge about all kinds of things sciency and where I came from. Hence the question I had just been asked.

“Like this but with less colours and no magic.” I responded, looking for a place to sit down and start eating. Don't eat and walk kiddies. Terrible things happen. I found a couch that hadn't been there before and sat down. “Good enough or more detail?”

“More detail is always good.”

“We, as in humans, were many and everywhere. So our towns and cities were massive. I came from one such city.”

“Can you tell me about your city.” Twilight asked as she made sure Spike was taking note. The little guy seemed to be getting quite exasperated.

“Sure. It was like Ponyville only taller and with humans instead of ponies.”

“Were they really so much like this or are you just bad at thinking up answers.”

“When it's facts based on other facts yeah. Philosophy is where I shine.”

“Philosophy meaning?” Twilight checked on Spike again.

“Something I never bothered finding out. But it has something to do with speculation,” One would speculate.

“Sounds like something only old ponies would do.”

“It does indeed. Only for me it's old men. It's a Roman thing.”

“Roman?”

“Guess you could call it a sub-race of humanity.” I explained. “Look, I'll be honest. I've been rather simple up until now.”

“Yes, it's been getting annoying.” Twilight said rudely.

“I'll stop. But only because you got me onto a subject I like.”

“You say that as if you have total control over this conversation.”

“Conversation? This is an interrogation.” She blinked. “But yes, I have total control over this conversation and before you know it I'll be out that door and you won't be able to do a thing about it.”

“I'll believe that when I see it.” Twilight smirked.

“Good luck with that.” I said around a mouthful of the lunch I'd finally decided to eat. “The concept of a conversation is difficult to visualize so you'll have trouble seeing me wrestling control from it.”

“That's not what I- I meant you just walking out.”

“Eh. Were we just talking about something?” I had honestly just pretended to have forgotten.

“Romans I believe.” Twilight told me. “But first Spike, take note.”

“I am!” The dragon exclaimed.

“Not of what Applejack says, but what I'm about to say. Then record everything down from the questions and prepare to send a letter to the princess.”

“Well okay then.”

“Add to preliminary notes. The human is actually more intelligent than originally anticipated and is about as smart as an average pony.” I would beg to differ but then the game would be ruined. “He uses a technique to control conversation and send it in whichever direction he chooses. A technique that is now useless due to it's nature after being revealed.”

Unless I want you to know about the technique because your reactions to that fact are easier to predict than your actions otherwise and you're just playing into my palm.

I just realised I was playing intense mind games with a motherfucking pony. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Twilight continued. “The Human appears to eat many of the same things that ponies do.” I suddenly got self conscious about my weight. “He is able to eat an apple pie without any negative effects.”

“Not true.” I butted in. “This pie burns my tongue if I'm not careful.”

“Without any large negative effects.” Twilight corrected. “Now. Onto your Romans.”

“They're hardly mine. They're also dead.”

“They're what?”

“Dead. Well, most of them anyway. Before I explain that you'll need to know that the Earth was big. Real big. So we had a lot of land.”

“How would you compare it to Equestria?”

“Can't. I don't know how big this place is. Anyway, we had so much land that the people way back assumed that every new group of humans they came across was an entirely new race, so they gave them all their own names. Next thing you know there are hundreds of names that all meant human.”

“Were the new humans really entirely new races?” Twinkle interrupted.

“Psh. Nah. If they were then there was a lot of cross species breeding going on three thousand years ago. Either way the groups of humans I just told you about were called tribes. Sometimes these tribes settled down and formed nations in which all the humans would be referred to by their nation's names. One particular tribe made a nation called Rome and the people from there were called Romans.”

“That seems like an awfully complicated way to just name something.”

“That was just the abridged version. The Romans were actually descended from the remnants of another nation called Troy which, in itself was descended from yet another nation known as Greece. The supposed full story involves a guy called Aeneas going to all kinds of places and having all kinds of people tell him he's not gunna amount to much and spank him for not doing the stuff he was supposed to when he was actually doing it.”

“That was rather convoluted.” Twinkle commented. “Could I get you to tell me the full story now?”

I snorted. “Not if you want to do anything for the next forty eight hours. I wouldn't be able to remember the whole thing anyway. And there are other questions you could be asking. Like why we were just talking about the Romans.”

“And?”

I waved my hand. “There were a lot of Roman men that sat around thinking all day sometime between three and four thousand years ago and now they're all dead. Other humans killed them.”

“Other humans what?”

“Killed the guys. Pretty common theme for humans.”

“What?”

“I'll put it this way: dying of natural causes was the least common way to die for a human. Usually it was another human's fault.”

“Spike. Take note that humans are potentially dangerous.” Twilight seemed uncomfortable saying that. I decided to not let it get too out of hand.

“Relax, Twilight. Humans only get hostile if they have a good reason to. Have you given me a good reason to kill you?” I quickly realised that wasn't the right question to ask. 'Cause Twilight got real agitated.

“B-but I d-d-did.”

“Really?” I frowned. “When?”

“W-w-when I used magic to force you t-to come here.” She was looking at me like she was expecting me to suddenly get a butcher's knife and murder her.

“Twilight.” I sighed. “That was enough to make me belligerent. If you're expecting me to go on a murder frenzy then you'll have to try harder.” She still looked terrified. “I'm not going to hurt you.”

Still terrified.

I didn't get this pony. She had disregarded my threats when I told them to her face. But now she was quite literally shaking in her shoes. I got the feeling that I wouldn't be able to figure her out for a while.

“Close your eyes and count to ten.” I instructed. She did so, mouthing the numbers quietly. Spike was concerned about Twilight but I don't think he registered me as a threat for some reason.

I waited ten before continuing. “Twilight. I'm not going to hurt you.” She nodded. “Now. Back to question time?”

That worked too well.

Hours of questions and... Stuff later, I was finally released.

The stuff I was put through were the assortment of bizarrely high tech machines that Twilight had put in the basement of the treehouse sometime between when she got to Ponyville in the morning and three hours later.

I would have questioned it, but I was still trying to figure out how I hadn't realised that the tree had a fucking basement. And recover from the many shocks I had been startled with during testing.

Of course, life sucks. So by 'released' I really meant that I could move between the first and second floors of the place at will. I did just that. When I left Twilight was dictating a prissy sounding letter to a very tired purple dragon, addressed to the ever so loving Princess Celestia.

I didn't really care about that so I went upstairs and did 'me' things.

Then I ate, showered and went to bed. Standard night.

Didn't sleep though. See, as Ponyville's resident human, I had duties I needed to fulfill. Namely suffering from Twilight screaming just as I was about to drift off.

The sleeping arrangements were as follows: Twilight gets the bed because unicorn privilege, Spike in the dog bed next to her and me on that brand new couch downstairs.

I didn't want to investigate after the first scream. Mostly because I'm bitter when things delay my sleeping cycle. But when the first one died and a second one took it's place I realised that I wasn't getting any solace until she stopped. And she wouldn't stop until I made her stop. So I got up and went upstairs.

When I passed through the door into my old-now-Twilight's-new-room, I remembered something important. When Jim was stalking ponies he caused them to have nightmares and scream.

Of course, I only realised this because Jim was standing real ominously over a restless Spike and screaming Twilight.

“Man. Would it kill you to give me a break?”

Then Pinkie jumped out of the bookcase yelling “Surprise!” and suddenly hundreds of ponies were all crowded around a screaming sleeping Twilight looking mighty confused. All kinds of confetti were falling from the roof. No Universe, that wasn't a challenge.

Next thing I knew I was crowded against good ol' Jim and a familiar blue-rainbow pegasus was vocalising discontent.

Shit.

Eight - Bitter, Burning Irony

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Chapter Eight
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Bitter, Burning Irony

There's this thing about ponies that I just realised. They have the best fucking reactions sometimes. I mean, they were all crowded into one small room that shouldn't have been big enough for the many ponies ponying about and they were all acting like this was a normal thing despite the fact that it was night time and a few ponies were obviously dressed for bed. Don't ask I don't know. And also the fact that there was a giant grotesque creature partying with them.

A creature, mind, that the very same ponies had been hounding for the past week or so.

They didn't notice a thing. Three ponies were even playing pin the tail on the donkey with an ass supervising.

“So Sherry!” Pinkie bounced to me over the socialising ponies. “What do you think of your welcome to Ponyville party? I would have thrown one for you before but we got sidetracked and I couldn't pass up a chance to go talk about my parties to the princess so I decided to delay you're welcome party for a bit and then I came back and saw Twilight,” She gestured to the sleeping beauty that was also still screaming. Yes, that was happening. “So I went *LONG GASP and that was totally intense and I realised that I could take yours and Twilight's party and make it into one so I did and got all of Ponyville to come along to welcome you and what do you think? Huh? Huh?”

I wish I could say that I understood that. I did not.

Unable to make heads or tails of the situation I tried. “Uh. You see Jim right?” I gestured towards the 'guy'.

Pinkie looked up and saw the offending tentacles. Then she went *LONG GASP. I wish I could write down what it sounded like but I don't think it can really be put to paper. “You're new to Ponyville too! I know because I know everypony in Ponyville and if I don't know you then I know you're not from Ponyville so that means your new to Ponyville so I can throw you a welcome to Ponyville party!” Then she thought real hard and did some mental number crunching. “Or I can invite you to the party already happening.” She produced a letter and handed it to Jim, who took it in a tentacle. “This has the time and place of the party. I hope you can make it. It would suck if you didn't.”

Then Pinkie turned around and addressed the rest of the room.

“Everypony this is Jim. He's new to Ponyville.”

The entire room took about five seconds to do the following.

1: Simmer down and look at Pinkie.

2: Look at Jim.

3: Stare at Jim.

4: Run the hell away from Jim. Screaming

Pony reactions are funny.

After the sixth second the room was empty except for me, Pinkie and two troubled sleepers. Jim doesn't count because I don't want him to.

“Wo.” Pinkie commented. “Where did the party go?” That earned a look from me. I wasn't expecting Fall Out Boy quotes anywhere away from Earth. She even said it the same way.

Then Pinkie piped back up. “So what brings you to Ponyville?”

I wasn't expecting Jim to respond. But he went, “Uuuuuugggghhhhh.” or something like that. It was just his standard moan really.

“Pinkie.” I interrupted before she could go into another long winded monologue. “Could you wake up Twilight.”

“What? Oh!” Pinkie noticed Twilight and covered an ear to block out the screaming. “I didn't see you there, Twilight. I thought that you were mingling with everypony.” How did she not notice? She was just talking about her earlier. “Wakey, wakey!” And then she poured a bucket of water onto Twilight's face.

It got her up. At least the screaming stopped.

Twilight did the sit-bolt-upright-thing people usually do when woken by buckets of water and looked around. Before she could ask the wrong question I spoke up.

“Twilight, over here.” I snapped my fingers to get her attention. “You were having a nightmare and you weren't waking up.”

“I was?” She seemed confused.

You can't remember it? “I think so. Hey, you remember Pinkie?” I referred to the bouncing pink thing beside me. “You barely even saw her if I remember correctly.”

“I think I saw someone like her.”

“Cool. Pinkie, meet Twilight. Twilight, Pinkie. Now do you remember that conversation about Jim?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Have fun studying.” I gestured behind her and tried booking it out of that room. Tried being the operative word, I tripped over Spike, who seemed to have roused along with Twilight.

“Ow!” He exclaimed as I fell flat on my face.

“I concur.” I said flatly. Get it?

Twilight wasn't paying attention to all this. She was all wrapped up in staring at Jim.

“I've never seen something like this before.” Twilight whispered. You didn't say that when you saw me. “What is it? What does it eat? What are those tentacles for?” Yada yada ya, sciency stuff. I wasn't paying attention.

Jim hadn't made a move since taking the party invitation from Pinkie, but he seemed to be paying attention to Twilight making all those questions.

From my position on the floor I took a moment to realise that this Jim encounter was different to the rest. For one Jim wasn't hell bent on chasing me, which was the biggest thing. That really put a damper on our relationship. For two Jim was still in beast form. I guessed that the transforming into me thing only affected wherever the fuck that was. Probably some pocket dimension bullshit or something like that. And for three there was a couple of ponies, purple and pink, both gushing over the guy.

Pinkie was gushing about parties and stuff.

Twilight was gushing about bio and stuff.

The former was all over the place talking rapid fire and the latter was magically dragging sheet after sheet of parchment over to presumably take notes that were already being discarded around the still wet bed she was still on.

Those probably shouldn't stay there. I observed the papers already getting damp. I didn't do anything about it though.

Anyway Jim and I just sorta sat there awkwardly. Sometimes our eyes met. This repeated for a while.

After five minutes I yawned. “So you guys are good? I can go back to sleep?” The situation was interesting, but after the adrenalin had worn off I realised that I just wanted to go back to sleep.

Twilight didn't respond on account of taking notes but Pinkie broke from her talk about fun. “We're good. I can't wait to see what kind of friend Jim will be. He seems nice.” No, he seems grotesque. But I wanna sleep.

I shrugged and left the room. That's when things started going bad. As soon as I was out Jim roared and I felt the vibrations of a large thing running across the ground.

Fuck. Shit. Fuck. I booked it. For real this time.

There were cries of shock from the room I just left which told me I was correct in my paranoia, so out of the treehouse I went. Less than seven seconds later an Eldritch horror burst through the shoddily made doorway, completely disregarding the time and effort that some poor sod put into it. Still not paying for damages.

The chase didn't last as long as the others. Personally I felt I could have made it all the way to the trees just outside of town if a certain something hadn't happened, but that something happened.

I made it about as far as the burning stake in the middle of the main street. I still don't know why that's there. Before that certain something happened.

And that something was Jim jumping right on my head.

From the sky.

At terminal velocity.

By all rights I should have died there and then. I honestly probably did, considering Jim's size. I felt an impact on the top of my head and next thing I saw I was in the white dreamscape again. Jim, in his large human form, stood opposite me with a disturbing nudity.

Well if you think about it that can be perceived as a compliment. I thought, staring at my up sized junk. Then I shook my head.

“Mind telling me what that was all about?” I asked him to his face.

“Sorry.” He said, looking down in apparent shame. Now, he didn't actually say 'Sorry', it was closer to the keyboard slamming effect I did last time. But it was way clearer, so I could decipher what Jim was saying far easier than before. God knows I'd get a headache though.

“Uh huh. So you speak now? Or is this just a phase?”

“I... can't explain it.”

“Phase it is then. Why are you standing in front of me in what appears to be a dream, in a four meter tall and stark naked version of myself?”

“This is where I go when I'm... eating.” Well ain't that morbid.

“Eating what?”

“Others.” Now that's fucked up. “I don't actually eat them.” He explained quickly after seeing my expression. “I just take the bits they aren't using anymore.”

“Bits like what? And you'd better not be doing that to me right now.” I'd prefer to keep my body and mind undisturbed thank you.

“The bit's they've forgotten. I can tell if something's been forgotten, it tastes different.”

I just crossed my arms.

“I'm not doing it to you right now.”

Good. “And why are you eating memories anyway? Some sick fetish?”

“I can't eat anything else. I tried.”

“What happened?” He raised his hand and pointed at me. I instantly threw up. “This place is like a dream, only not.” Jim explained as the sick feeling in my stomach vanished. “It makes eating easier.”

“Nevermind that, what the fuck did you just do to me?”

“Have you ever had a lucid dream?” I shook my head. “Then it is difficult to explain the connection between cause and effect. In here, one can imagine something happening and it will happen. I just imagined you feeling how I felt when I tried eating. That's the best I can explain it to you.”

I was offended. “Not even going to try?”

“Because you would not understand.” Jim told me. “While in this space I know you entirely.” I narrowed my eyes. “And I have access to all your memories. Like browsing the files on a computer.”

Okay. “How the hell do you know what a computer is?”

“Quite simply...” Jim waved his arm and vanished. Then a smaller more human sized human thankfully wearing clothes appeared in his place. I say he was smaller but he still had about half a head on me. “I grew up surrounded by them.” But that would mean... “I am human too.”

“Bullshit.”

“Look at my face.” I did. He had stubble. “This is not a face I pulled from your brain. This is my own face.”

“You just said that you had access to my memories. All of them. How do I know you didn't just pull that from one time when I was walking down the street. I've seen so many human faces I couldn't hope to remember all of them.”

“I'm not a super computer. I have to go through the memories in real time. I haven't had enough time to go through your memories.”

“You don't need to go through all of them. Just go into that one time I was walking down the street and you have your man.”

Jim looked at me pleadingly. “Please trust me.”

I studied him measurably. “You eat memories.” I said at length.

“No. Not memories.” He looked a little sad. “I eat their past.”

“And that's all kinds of fucked up. This is all kinds of fucked up. How many lives have you ruined?”

“None of them! I only eat the unessential bits.”

“And you know this how?” That was the right question. It got him right in the heart or whatever. He had gotten angry when I asked about the lives he potentially ruined but now he wilted.

“I don't know.”

Short silence.

“I don't know.” Jim repeated himself and slumped over on the white floor. I pitied the guy.

So I sat down opposite his resized self and asked. “What happens if you don't 'feed'?”

He sighed. “I lose myself. Memories, personality, reason. It just disappears if I go long enough without feeding.”

“So you have a constant drain on your brain if you don't eat? What happens when you eat?”

“I get full.” Well duh. “And I get some of myself back. If only a little. I only remembered who I was after I fed on you.”

“So who are you?”

“My name is...” He trailed off. “Maybe that was the wrong thing to say. I remembered what I was. A human.”

“Huh. Well I've been calling you Jim, so congrats on your new name.”

Jim smiled. If only a little. “It's short, but strong.”

“Just like your dick.”

“What?” We stared at each other for exactly one second before bursting into laughter.

“Oh, that was so stupid.” Jim said when he had mostly recovered from his fit. “But that's exactly what I missed about home.”

“Excessive penetration?” I asked.

“Among other things. I can't remember specifics but dick jokes are definitely up there.” He let out another chuckle. “Anyway. Yeah, I'd completely forgotten all about myself until I ate some of your memories.”

“How did you end up here anyway?” It might have something to do with how I got here.

“That.” Jim frowned. “Is not something I seem to remember. It's strange... Like.”

“Let me guess.” I interrupted. “You remember being human. Remember having a life, a family, friends, hobbies and crushes. But it doesn't have a definite end. All you know is that you somehow ended up here.”

“That's actually accurate. Is it..?”

“Yep. Exactly the same for me. It seems that we are under the influence of the same force.”

“Could it be God?”

“Ten days ago I would have dissociated myself from you for suggesting that. Now? Now I don't know. I've woken up in a land of talking ponies where pegasi fly around on undersized wings and unicorns go around screwing things up with magic. Now I'm sitting down in a dream dimension talking to another human residing in a perverted body. I can't say. What's up with that body of yours anyway?”

“I don't know. It just is.”

“Think it's a curse?” I asked.

“It could be. But I wasn't really the guy to go around doing things worth being cursed for.”

“And you're sure that you didn't have a crush on someone who's little sister dabbled in the dark arts?”

“Absolutely sure. Wait.” Holy shit. Really? “No, I don't think so.” This guy just lied to me.

“Eh. I wasn't really the type of guy to go around doing curse worthy things either. Only reason I can think of being cursed is because of my name. I'm Sherry by the way.”

“Sherry? Isn't that like the-”

“Drink? Yes it is.”

“Cool.”

The conversation halted. Then I had an idea.

“Hey Jim,” I asked “Think you can use that memory watching ability of yours for something?”

“What for?”

“Can you look at my memories from around a week ago? That's when I got here, it might shed some light.”

“That's actually a really good idea. Come closer.” I scooted over. “Close enough to put your head in my lap.” Now I can't imagine why you'd want me to do that. I obliged anyway.

“Now relax.” Jim instructed. “You can close your eyes if you want.” I did not. “Now just stay still.” Jim pressed one of his hands to the side of my head, took it away, then started narrating what he was doing.

“Okay, one week ago. That's about... Here.” I assumed that since I couldn't see what Jim was doing despite keeping my eyes open that he was narrating for my convenience. “You woke up in the middle of the library right?”

“Correct.”

“Before that there's nothing. Just nothing.” Kinda figured that'd happen.

“Any idea why?”

“I'd say that something ate them, but this isn't like that. When memories are eaten the ones directly before and after join together so there's no blank space. This is just the complete removal of memories.”

“Intriguing.”

“Not intriguing, scary.”

“Forgive me for having an inquisitive mind.”

“You don't have an inquisitive mind.You just aren't scared.” Got me there. “And Sherry... It goes on for some time. At least a month.”

Now that's worrying. “What about the events leading up to the nothing?”

“I'll show you.” Jim told me. Before I could ask how a haze glazed over my eyes and I found myself unable to speak.

When my vision cleared I was somewhere familiar. The school's back gate. My school's back gate. I was dressed in that good ol' florescent white uniform everyone despised and I was listening to Johnny Cash. Then I walked right past myself.

Another me walked by would be a better description.

I took a moment to consider what just happened and an explanation formed in my head. Instead of looking through my own eyes I'd been dropped into the memory in my own 'body' so that I could look at what I wanted to look at.

But then the stuff I don't remember would be- I cast my eyes around, looking for any grey spaces. I didn't find any, which was strange.

Jim dropped in next to me, dressed like he was in the white dreamscape.

He started talking and I removed an earphone to hear what he was saying. “We should follow your other self. That's where the important stuff will be happening.” I had questions about the fact that things I didn't remember were showing up in the memory. But I agreed with Jim, so I didn't say anything.

Memory me was walking alone, like he usually did. All my friends lived in the other direction from school, so none of them ever walked home with me. Not that I invited them to anyway.

I was kind of expecting my last remembered day on earth to be eventful. Maybe Billy would try to pick a fight on the way home and insult my effeminate name, or that a certain girl would start walking beside me. That didn't happen, it was just a typical walk home. I'm not sure how I felt about that. Jim didn't comment on anythings the whole way.

Memory me unlocked the door and left it open when he got home. I'd been conditioned to leave windows and doors open on hot days, which this one apparently was, for circulation when I was the first one home. He opened a few downstairs windows and went up to his room.

There he opened the door and stopped. Then he went in.

That was strange. I never hesitated when going into my room unless someone was already in it, and that was only ever because I had to get over the disappointment of someone being petty enough to invade my privacy. Then I'd usually put on a fake face and be passive aggressive until they left the room.

He hadn't do that, so I was curious as to why I hadn't followed the pattern. I understood when I looked into the room.

Memory had opened the drawer in which I kept my self defense knife, was hiding said knife behind his leg and was not diverting his attention from the man in my room looking out the window. The man I did not know and was in my room.

I shared a look with Jim as Memory me cleared his throat. “Mind telling me why you're in my room?”

The man at the window did not respond.

“Am I going to have to call the cops?”

“You do not want to call the cops.” The man responded. His voice was strange. Powerful and... Watery? “You would much rather kill me and hide the body. Is that not right, Sherry?”

He's not wrong. “How do you know my name?”

The man turned around and I saw his face. He was handsome I guess. “I've been watching you.” He said with a smile. “For quite some time.”

Creepy. “Care to tell me why?” Memory me asked.

“For reasons to old for you to remember.”

“So you want me to call the cops.”

“I did not say that. I just thought I would give you a courtesy call before whisking you away into the wind.”

“Which asylum did you escape from?”

“Is that not the same as prison?”

“Tomayto tomato. Which one?”

“None of this world.”

Memory me got his phone out with his free hand and dialed the police. “Police.” He said when the phone operator asked him which service he wanted. For some reason I could hear the operator talking. “I'm at [I'm not writing my address down], there's a crazy man in my room and also a knife.” Then Memory me hung up and dropped his phone back into his pocket.

The man hadn't stopped smiling while I'd called the cops.

“Interesting way you worded that call.” He commented.

“I leave room for interpretation.” I replied. “You want to be straight with me now?”

“But I have been.” He started walking to the door. “You will be seeing more of me in the coming weeks. You and your sister both.”

Clearly that was the last straw. Memory me let the man walk past before trying to stab the man with the hidden knife. The man had obviously been expecting it, if the way he caught the blade was any indication. Then from where the blade had met hand there was a flash of green light and I woke up in Jim's lap.

I sat myself up. “Whelp. I'm a damsel in distress.”

“What are you talking about?” Jim asked me. “If the way you were talking to that man was any indication you're anything but.”

“Nah, that's not how it works.” I turned around so I'd be talking to his face. “Judging by that green light at the end that man was something else. As in, not human. I'd be willing to place bets on him being responsible for our being here. He's definitely more powerful than me, so I'm completely within his control. Helpless and unable to actually do anything, waiting for some dashing knight to save me.”

“And who is this knight?”

“It isn't you sugarcube.”

“A shame. After all you are my type.” Can't say I was expecting that.

“We're going to have to find a way to fight fate. You and I want to get home and I get the feeling that a certain green light emitting man doesn't want us to.”

“We should team up.” Jim exclaimed as if he'd just thought up the best idea ever.

“Team what now?” I asked.

“Well, we both got picked up from earth and dropped in Equestria under similar circumstances, so we should form a team.”

“I get the feeling there's more to it than that.” I really did.

“You'd think that wouldn't you?” He winked.

Ah, I get it now. Shit. “Five.” I blurted, then shook my head. “The only thing I can really think of is asking that Celestia figure all the ponies seem to be infatuated with.”

“Princess Celestia? Yes, I remember her from the purple one's memories.” That's Twilight. “She seems nice.”

“She's the immortal ruler of this place, so she's definitely really powerful. Twilight the Purple is her personal student and apparently has a beeline for letters.” If earlier today was any indication. “Let's just hope she doesn't sic something like a rainbow of friendship on you.”

“Well she just sent Twilight here to study me so I don't think I'll end up burning and impaled on a stake anytime soon.”

“Eh.” I eh'd. “I suggested it because of the whole immortal ruler thing. She might know something about the green light man.”

“That does seem better than fumbling around in the dark.”

“Plan then?”

“That's hardly a plan.” Jim pointed out. “But it's a start.”

“Sweet. Now how do we get out of here?”

“Brace yourself.” Jim said with a grin.

I had only been given one second to compute what Jim said before I found myself back on the streets of ponyville, right in a pillar of fire.

“Shit!” I yelled as I jumped back. I continued spewing profanities as I rolled around on the ground to extinguish my now aflame clothes.

A gasp drew my attention to the ponies surrounding me once my clothes had almost been extinguished. I noticed that the ponies weren't focusing on me, but the fire I'd left behind and that one of my sleeves was still on fire. I extinguished that and directed my attention to the fire.

More specifically, I directed my attention at the thick smoke around the stake in the fire. The smoke that was getting thicker by the second. The smoke that Jim liked to float around as.

Jim started making guttural sounds as he solidified and as I slowly realised what was happening.

“NO!” I yelled and tried to run to Jim and help him. But the heat warded me away. I ran around the fire until I could see Jim's melting face and fell to my knees. “No. Please no.”

Jim started screaming. Maybe he had formed enough to use his voice box. But that burnt away soon after. I didn't plead any more after that. I just watched Jim's face as one by one his eyes formed and connected with mine, pleading for a second before melting down into charred Jim.

Around me the ponies murmured and moved around. They didn't really understand what they were seeing. Twilight tried moving me but I somehow ended up with my hand on her horn, threatening to break it if she didn't leave me alone.

After that I just knelt there, watching the fire burn. Jim's carcass had burnt black long ago and the flames had almost died by the time I fell asleep. It was a long night.

He had ended up burning and impaled on a stake a lot sooner than he'd expected.

The bitter, burning irony.

I suppose I should explain myself somewhat.

I am the one that let Sherry remember our first meeting just now.

I have several names and titles in the areas I influence. But the simplest one I have ever earned is The Unfamiliar. It works because it describes me in the most effective way possible, as I truly am unfamiliar. I have spread my influence across hundreds of civilizations and each has felt as alien to me as they I do to them.

I am doing what I am doing to Sherry because of a contract made with an ancestor of his five hundred years ago. One of the terms was that I would take their first child by the same name once he or she reached a reasonable age and do with them as I pleased.

The matter of Jim is much more recent. I was not expecting him to meet his end so soon or so spectacularly. It seems my old friend chaos has a part to play in the coming games too.

The agreement Jim made with me was related to his sexuality that he was oh-so-subtly hinting at Sherry earlier. It was not that his homosexuality was a sin, but rather it left him with an unrequited love. For Jim was madly in love with a man who was straighter than a ruler. But this did not stop Jim, or as he was known at the time, Clyde, from developing feelings for him, or acting on them.

Clyde eventually found out how to invoke my presence from reading a book his 'crush's' little sister owned and made a deal with me. The deal was simple: Make the man Clyde was in love with love him back. No other conditions.

I did this by fiddling around in the affronted man's head a little, giving him the ability to 'Swing both ways', having him dream about Clyde and by removing Clyde from his life entirely.

It worked like a charm, not that Clyde would ever know. He had unwittingly surrendered himself to me and I do enjoy playing games with lesser beings. So I changed his diet to that of other person's pasts, incurred penalties if he did not feed and gave him a new body of my own design. Then I released him into the world of Equestria.

The rest, as they say, is history.

Diary of the Yet Unknown

by Rogue Scout

One - It Begins

Two - Food Runner

Three - The Cake Conversation

Four - Political Bull-stuff

Five - Monster Running, Slave Driving

Six - Clothes and Smoke

Seven - Twinkle-Terrogations

Eight - Bitter, Burning Irony