The first thing that got my attention when I started reading this: it's grammatically correct in nearly every way. That's pretty rare on this website. As well, the story so far makes sense. The protagonist acts as one would expect a person in such a situation to, and you've given him a good (not literally) personality. So far, on the story's build, we're looking at a perfect 10. Keep it up.
6046423 I feel like I must interject, here, mainly because this comment was why I decided to start reading this story. The only reason this statement is correct is the inclusion of the word "nearly." While I am impressed with the grammar, a lot of the sentences in this chapter weren't sentences at all, but clauses! I can understand the stylistic choice of short sentences, but the author uses full stops in numerous places where it would only be grammatically correct to use a comma. I'll quote one here, but there were at least a dozen instances in this short chapter:
I discovered that the books were all completely out of order. Which was understandable for the books on the floor. But the books on the shelves had no right to be that way.
This should be one sentence, like: "I discovered that the books were all completely out of order, which was understandable for the books on the floor but the books on the shelves had no right to be that way." The last two sentences aren't grammatically correct sentences on their own.
6046134 Er, I don't know, but I would guess not? There's no gore tag, and if you were referring to the "torn apart" comment in the description, I think that was meant figuratively, not literally.
The first thing that got my attention when I started reading this: it's grammatically correct in nearly every way. That's pretty rare on this website. As well, the story so far makes sense. The protagonist acts as one would expect a person in such a situation to, and you've given him a good (not literally) personality. So far, on the story's build, we're looking at a perfect 10. Keep it up.
6046423
I feel like I must interject, here, mainly because this comment was why I decided to start reading this story. The only reason this statement is correct is the inclusion of the word "nearly." While I am impressed with the grammar, a lot of the sentences in this chapter weren't sentences at all, but clauses! I can understand the stylistic choice of short sentences, but the author uses full stops in numerous places where it would only be grammatically correct to use a comma. I'll quote one here, but there were at least a dozen instances in this short chapter:
This should be one sentence, like: "I discovered that the books were all completely out of order, which was understandable for the books on the floor but the books on the shelves had no right to be that way." The last two sentences aren't grammatically correct sentences on their own.
6046134
Er, I don't know, but I would guess not? There's no gore tag, and if you were referring to the "torn apart" comment in the description, I think that was meant figuratively, not literally.