"Equis was once ruled by the royal pony sisters, working in Harmony to govern the ponies and manage the sky. That is, until Nightmare Moon had come. She was defeated and banished to the moon the first time, defeated by the Elements a second time. Now, four years after her second defeat, she has returned yet again, the means unknown. But this does not cause panic. What does is that Luna has disappeared, and a new rebellion group calling them the 'New Lunar Republic' has risen. Can Celestia and the Elements defeat Nightmare, the NLR and find Luna? Or will the Moon reign eternal? These events are unconnected.....or are they?
Co-lab with LoneShadow
Chapters (13)
First: Lunar Republic is an overdone idea, which tips me off already. You're essentially beating a dead horse.
Second: The first paragraph is one boring pile of an info-dump. It does not make me interested in the story and goes off into numerous different directions (e.g Solar Republic has not been explained yet, so why are you talking about it like it's something that I know or care about).
Three: There is some grammar errors sprinkled around, which breaks the flow of reading. I would recommend hiring a relatively experienced proofreader or editor (do not contact me, because I hardly have the time).
Not trying to be a dick, but your story is uninteresting and poorly executed. I couldn't get past the first ten paragraphs, it was so boring. If you get an editor or some pre-readers and polish this story, I will be fine. However, at its current state it's not that great.
...what 6024670 said.
Sorry, Bro.
6026921You realize the first paragraph being an infodump is to try and get readers Into the fic's story...Like how Star Wars always opens with that Info dump of background info to start up the story....
6027027 yes, and I like that!
but it could be italicized, possibly, or at least have something to show "yes this is information, but not the narrative part of the story."
I mean, the "featured in these groups" thing... doesn't look good...
6027048 What do you expect me to do? Put it in bold, link it to the John Williams Star Wars Opening Riff? Paint it yellow to go with the Star wars joke?
6027093 I don't know, okay!?!
6027096 I'm trying to do my best...I mean this is literally my SECOND attempt at a story...SECOND...because I failed so hard with the first...on top of that....I've got a partner who is helping me do this...
6027107 and that's great!
i'll try to spread awareness. I know a guy who can be helpful. fair warning: he can be critical, but he is genuinely helpful
6027120 R..right...
6027137 it will be okay
6027143 I...I guess...
6027164 if he agrees, he'll let you know I sent him
this fic has awesome potential.
6027173
That makes me feel better...I mean it.
6027212 and I sincerely meant it. It just needs some touching up. all the good fics do! I mean, look at Peace at Last, then look at all the fics that came later. there's a DISTINCT difference.
6027248 Hmm...
6027254 and do you think Past Sins was written perfectly the first time? No. Pen Stroke probably spend a SH*TLOAD of time going over, revising, and making tiny corrections to it before it was ready
6027264 .....I guess so...granted I don't really care what people say I like it because I'm having fun doing what I'm doing ya know? Don't worry I take constructive critisism...
6027271 that's the spirit! just keep going, and it'll be good!
6027281 Like I said. I don't care what others think. What matters is what I think and I like it. cause I'm having fun. and that's what matters.
Really... Saphira? Not criticizing but you couldn't of come of a more imaginative name?
6027303 I'm not trying to start anything, but you have to be careful if you go on that logic of yours... I respect your independence, but you have to realize that since this is a widely public fan site, you have to be aware that there are people who will try to contradict your ideas (as shown). Since you took the risk of publishing your story to a public website, you have to be open minded to others' ideas and opinions. Especially as an author, you have to be welcoming to any sort of response you receive, as considering them will improve your writings. On that note, you can't get upset or express an anger towards the ones giving you feedback; as I said before, you have to be ready for the haters :) Taking it down, I think 6024670 was a bit too harsh on his wording, but he's right. 6026921 even expressed the same thing, but was a bit more reasonable in his choice of expression. I think I'm being somewhat rude in this, but I didn't appreciate your attitude against him.
Anyway, my main point is that you need to be careful about what you say here. You took the liberty of publishing this story publicly, so you have to be aware that you have a responsibility to accept any responses, not just as a good author, but as a person. I completely respect your confidence, but remember not to let that confidence override your attitude and sense of being humble :)
6029936
My fault, actually. It's not like we have a lot of dragon names, and I love that series, okay.
6030050 I'd probably think more for How to Train your Dragon film series...
6030050 Can't blame you, it's my favorite series.
6027303 Red, I have to say I think that 6029973 is correct in this.
6030092 And also, Saphira is a much better dragon name than anything from the How to Train Your Dragon series.
6032021 Saphira is better than a name like Skullcrusher? hmph. For the record, what series is it you two are referring to anyway?
6032644 The Inheritance Cycle. Eragon, Eldest, Brisingr, and Inheritance. And yes. SkullCrusher is too blunt, Saphira actually sounds cool.
6032984 Eragon sounds familar...wasn't that the name of a movie? And the name of a Lord of the Rings character?
6033185 ...we do not speak of the movie...
And do you mean Aragorn?
6033226 Yes. Aragorn. that's the guy I ment with how Eragon is similar in name...and I only knew of that movie Eragon because I had heard of it and was slightly interested in it, but I never saw it when it came out. Don't know why I just, never did.
6034408 Movie sucked, books rule, end of story.
6035731 OH. so like the Percy Jackson series as far as I've heard from my buddy huh? cause he pretty much said the same thing, of how the Movie's are kinda bad, but the Percy Jackson book series are awesome. though personally I like the Percy Jackson movies...so it's a matter of personal preference anyway...How's that headache of yours feeling btw?
6035747 Better, but I'm going on a double date today, and won't be able to rp.
6035749 Oh. well good luck with that then...perhaps tomorrow or next week then...heck, you got my number, so Assuming you end up getting time to, toss me a text.
This story is getting better. My interest has now been piqued.
6035762 Heh. yay! thanks bro!
6035770 For someone who has only two stories, one not doing the best and the other canceled, you sure do have a lot of followers.
6035776 Heh...well...it's mostly me following other stories or people I believe...and plus as You've demonstrated, along with another friend of mine, My partner LoneShadow and I have been getting better with this story...Tell me this, other than a good old fashioned Giga Drill Breaker....what would you like to possibly see Hmm?
6035784 Nothing too lore breaking from either star wars or MLP. Maybe you move a star destroyer or something.
6035794 TOo lore breaking? in chapter One I've already introduced the existance of Arwings, Landmasters, and Gundam mecha from that battle scene...I'm advertising this as being a primarily Star Wars and MLP crossover in terms of the Technology. but, we're going with just about any sci-fi thing...heck, As shown in Chapter 3, the main Armor we're using isn't just Star Wars trooper armors (like Clone and storm trooper variants) but also Halo Armors. Heck, Lone himself even has the Halo Type 1 Energy Sword....
6035802 Yeah... True... I'm assuming your gonna bring in power rangers at some point... What would I like to see? Nightmare or Luna figuring out what would happen if daytime didn't exist anymore.
6035807 you want that? Go read Past Sins. where she figures it out...even experiences it. As for power Rangers...Eh, I donno there...Maybe in terms of some of the weaponry, or the zords...like how I simply referenced Gurren Lagann in Chapter 1 by saying that the troops referred to the Mecha units as 'Gunmen' or 'Gundams'
cool