Tidy Till vs. Bibidi Boo - Winner: Tidy Till (by Vote)
The Bargain Before Nightmare Night - by Tidy Till's Author
Nightmare Night was always a hectic time for Rich's Barnyard Bargains, but it was also one of the most profitable nights of the year. Ponies would be rushing through the aisles searching for that one costume piece, bag of candy or spooky prop to make the holiday perfect. Though there would no doubt be a demand for merchandise up to and even beyond the start of the festivities, it was RBB policy to close up shop an hour before sundown to let his employees prepare for their own celebrations. Though this rule allowed his business associates time off for the evening to spend however they wished, it had the unfortunate side effect of working the mob of customers into a mad charge for the checkouts as those final minutes counted down.
Tidy Till ran one such register on this most wonderful and stressful of nights. Tidy was a unicorn stallion with a faded purple coat, a white mane and tail, each streaked with black down the center, and greyish blue eyes. His standard RBB uniform, which consisted of beige khaki pants, a white, leg-length button-up shirt and a navy blue vest, did well to hide his blank flank.
“Alrighty, then! Here's your receipt! Thanks for shopping at Rich's and have a happy Nightmare Night!”
It was an arduous evening, but Tidy had survived through sheer patience and force of will. Sore, tired and eager to rest, he bid the last customer in his line goodbye.
Whew. That's that. They're all gone. Now all I have to do is turn my register light off, and I'm ho-
“Ho there! Such a sight's divine! Bibidi spies and empty line!”
A dark violet coated mare whose eyes were hidden by a tall, wide-brimmed, deep blue witch's hat seemed to materialize from the ether with several full carts of Nightmare Night goodies. Her pitch black mane flowed from beneath her hat, with purple streaks like jagged lightning bolts. While she was still several hooves away, her horn lit up an eerily bright orange as item after item flew onto his unprepared conveyor belt.
Wha-? N-No!
“You! Cashier! I've cleared your shelves! Now! These pumpkins won't scan themselves!”
Poor Tidy recoiled at the daunting volume of Bibidi's purchase and froze in place, visibly sweating.
Celestia's sun had already met the horizon, and most of his fellow cashiers had already left to be with their families or to otherwise party the night away. While he had yet to make any actual friends amongst his coworkers well enough to be invited to such a shindig, that didn't mean he wanted to stay any longer than he had to.
The fact that he was caught off-guard only served to make matters worse.
“What is this look upon your face?! Am I...not welcome in this place!?”
Time stood still in Tidy's mind. He'd been caught napping past his allotted breaks far too often as of late, and his supervisors had made it clear to him that the sole reason for his continued employment was his stellar performance in Customer Satisfaction.
He was barely keeping his head above water with his landlord, who'd graciously offered him an extension for his rent, and with no family to speak of in the area, he'd been exhausting all of his accounts just to stay afloat. Without a special talent to call his own, the only job he could get was entry level cashiering that any unicorn with a basic grasp on telekinesis could do. It was a fact that his upper managers made sure to drill into him every time they pulled him aside for taking a bit too long to unwind on his breaks. If this boisterous mare voiced even a single word of complaint, and if that word somehow made its way up to those managers, Tidy knew he could kiss his gainful employment goodbye.
His only source of income...shot.
EMERGENCY!! EMERGENCY!! Prepare the Diffusion Subset Greeting Script! Set Vocal Tone to Maximum Pleasantness!
“Th-That couldn't be f-further from the truth, Ma'am! Sorry for hesitating, I'd be -happy- to check you out tonight!”
Deploy the Tactical Smile!
Unbeknownst to Tidy, his sudden burst of Dread and Panic suffused into the air as a gold and orange miasma. One that only the dark mare before him could see. She greedily drank it all in.
Prime the Product Code Auto-Record and Levitation Spells!
Tidy's own horn came to life with a steady grayish glow.
“So! I trust you found everything you needed this evening?”
An audible moan of pleasure reached the cashier's ears. He only had a second to dwell on his Shock as his customer spoke up to answer his question.
“M-MM! Delicious~! Oh, yes indeed! I believe I have found...all I need! WHAAAHAHA-HAHAHAHAA!!”
Tidy balked for just a moment.
I'm sure she's just...imagining all the tasty Nightmare Night treats she's going to make with all-
He spared a glance at the river of orange that was his register's conveyor belt.
...all...those...pumpkins...
Then, after a cleansing shake of the head and a mental reminder of the stakes at play, Tidy Till launched himself into his work.
Now! GET SCANNING!!
More than an hour later, a weary, raven striped white tail dragged through the front doors of Rich's Barnyard Bargains, its owner trudging home. By this point in the night, the festivities had already begun in Ponyville proper. All manner of Nightmare Night frivolities were in full swing, but Tidy couldn't bring himself to join in on the fun.
For one, he didn't have a costume.
For two-
"Uuughhh..."
-he was hearse-bound on his hooves.
"Finally clocked out. Finally...done."
He wound his way around town to his home apartment complex. He tiredly noticed a marked lack of landlord.
"Weird. Eh...who cares? He's probably at some party right now."
Tidy clambered up the stairs to the second level of apartments where he continued his labored pace, not stopping for anything until he saw that most welcoming of sights.
Door number 297. His home. He levitated his keys out of his right khakis pocket.
"Just a few more minutes, and it'll all be over. I'll be asleep, and I won't have to worry about any more customers..."
His key clicked in the lock.
"...or bits..."
The knob clacked loose from its latch.
"...or managers breathing down my neck..."
The door creaked open on its hinges.
"...or..."
Tidy ventured into his apartment. However, something was wrong. The shadows in the unlit room were all different, as though the room were full to bursting with bulbous mounds.
Suddenly, the lights snapped on, and once Tidy could see what they were, only one word could reach his lips.
"...p-p-pumpkins?!"
The door slammed shut!
The lights dimmed low.
The wind howled through the open window.
And Tidy's eyes were drawn to a particularly orange glow.
"BOO!!"
Campaign of Terror - by Bibidi Boo's Author
Bibidi Boo trotted towards Barnyard Bargains quickly as everypony got out of her way. She didn’t have anything to buy per se, though more Pumpkins certainly didn’t hurt.
No. She was here for “lunch”.
And by lunch she meant Tidy Till.
She had recently made him her personal project, memorized his break patterns and knew when he got off. Looking towards the counter it appeared he was still taking an extended break. Oh well. She could just take an extended shopping session.
Tidy Till got to the counter and sat down smiling. The smile quickly turned to a frown and returned just as quickly when he saw the black mane and witch hat in the back. Every day the customer from Tartarus came by and bothered him. ‘Possibly literally’, he mused. ‘A gate was close by, and she was a witch. Literally.’
He wondered why the Princesses let her run loose, he just didn’t know.
‘Maybe,’ he mused, ‘I should try to get an audience with Princess Twilight to run her out of town - ok, maybe just the mayor.’
The mare trotted up to the counter. ‘Great,’ Tidy Till thought. ‘She’s walking up now. Celestia be merciful - let this end quickly.’ He put on his best smile and examined each object in turn.
The witch smirked. “Oh. I don’t want that one.”
“Of course.” Tidy Till put it back This was new. She always knows what she wants. At least her daily visits had that much mercy. But now she doesn’t want something... Worry gnawed at him.
And a few items later, it happened again. And again. And again.
‘She’d never even buy this stuff. Did she just...add it to her cart to make me ring it up? Is she just trying to get a rise out of me?’
“You never buy that,” he asked. “Why now?”
“Why what?” She smiled wryly.
“Are you just messing with me?” he asked. “You don’t buy this. You come here every day on the hour. Like clockwork! Why? just why?” His smile cracked.
Bibidi grinned. It was a vulpine smile. “You’re afraid.”
“Half the town is scared of you! Why me?”
“Because you’re afraid.”
“That’s not an answer! Why single me out?” Tidy Till whimpered.
“As you said, being afraid of me isn’t special.” Bibidi’s predatory grin widened. “Lots of ponies are. Nope, you’re afraid of this place. Being here tomorrow. The day after. The day after that. On and on and on. It’s delicious. Little old me is nothing.” Every inch of her face beamed.
“So you are just going to rub it in?” Tidy Till snapped. “What, is this some kind of sadistic witch game?”
“The best kind of game!” She grinned, tell-tale black magic spilling out of her eyes. The shadows lengthened and darkened, lapping at the corners of the room like rising tide. “Here, let me show you! Just how scary the sadistic witch can be.”
Tidy Till jumped over the counter and ran. His hooves hammered on the floor and his legs pumped like pistons and he scrunched his eyes tight. Whatever the witch was going to do, he wasn’t about to find out how scary she could be at the thought of a 9-to-5 being worse.
“Pumpkin Pumpernickel?” Bibidi asked the cowering Tidy Till in a sweet voice. He was bent over in the bushes and shaking like a leaf.
Tidy Till bolted upright, hit his head, and landed in a heap on the ground. “W-what?” he blurted. His eyes were wide with terror.
“I asked if you wanted a Pumpkin Pumpernickel muffin.”
Tidy Till’s eyes bulged even wider. “How did you find me?” he demanded. “You were all scary a moment ago! Now you’ve gone all sweet! What’s your game?”
“Oh, I won the game. You ran right out of the shop screaming. Lost your job, I’m sad to say.” Such a bold lie should have cracked the sky in half. “I just followed the smell of fear. Go on, have the muffin; it’s good for you!” It floated towards Tidy Till.
“My-” Tidy Till’s mouth worked silently. “My job? I lost my job?” He slumped down on his hooves and bit down absently on the muffin. “What. What am I - I’ve got nothing left - What am I going to do?”
“Dunno.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Guess you’ll just have to find out yourself. Here! A present!” A pair of saddlebags joined the muffin and plopped down in front of him.
Tidy Till rifled through them - filled to overflowing with the wares she’d bought today, and days besides. Someone had clearly been stockpiling these a while.
He looked up at her. “Why?” he asked weakly. “Just, Why? none of this makes any sense.”
“Because life’s an adventure Tidy, and you weren't just afraid. You weren't having any fun.” Bibidi grinned, a warmer grin this time. “Somebody had to scare you so bad you forgot to be afraid.”
Tidy Till just looked at her astonished. This had been to help him?
A great deal more happened to Tidy Till after that. But that is a story for another time.
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Tidy Till's author.
Tidy Till's author
Also,
Wow, lady, you take stalking to a completely new level.
Too close to call. No vote.
Tidy Till's story reads like a wordy joke, but unfortunately, not actually one that's funny. And there doesn't seem to be a larger point to it, either. Bibidi Boo's story has a better concept but the execution is just not there. Tidy Till's author uses more words and probably uses them better, but it doesn't seem to me that they really serve any useful purpose, so in the end I don't see much of a difference in the quality of the writing itself.
Tidy Till's Author
Till's author did well to make me laugh as much as it did. I also liked how Tidy Till was the focus. Bibidi Boo is presented better when shrouded in mystery.
That being said, Bibidi Boo's Author had a better message, but in terms of entertainment value, it fell behind.
Tidy Till's Author
The two were about equal in most aspects, but in the end it came down to I think Tidy Till's Author used the other person's OC slightly better. The witch pony in the first story was a distinct character, but the register pony in the second one could have been swapped out for any other generic register pony. Though both focused a lot on their own OC and didn't do much with the other.
TIDY TILL AUTHOR VOTE
Oh Bibidi Boo. You have the best name. I love you. I wish I could let you win. But the other story is better ;-;
OBS IS THE HERO WE NEED RIGHT NOW
Tidy Till's Author.
Although neither really did anything for me.
Tidy Till's author
Tidy Till's Author
While Bibidi Boo's Author's version felt more like a finished story, it ended on a sour note for me, Bibidi loses Tidy his job and just leaves him there, having only given him a bunch of supplies with no real direction. From what I could tell from the descriptions, that's probably going to leave him off even worse than he was in the store.
As for Tidy Till's Author's version, it fell short of the mark for me. Don't get me wrong! It looked like the author did well in characterization. and I like the fact that the ending still allows for the two to interact further through the rounds, but...there was so much buildup of plot for no real payoff! All we got was a big, fat "BOO!" at the end, and then nothing! I wanted to see more!
In the end, that why I chose Tidy Till's author, because I want to see this author progress and see what else happens, if anything, between these two.
Abstention
I liked Bibidi Boo's story more due to the ending and how it would get Tidy off his bum, but because it didn't really explain Tidy's backstory it felt rushed. Tidy's entry however I feel, didn't really have any good meaningful interaction between Bibidi and Tidy, and ended kind of like a sadistic joke, which was probably its intention, but I didn't get anything out of that. I did laugh though.
Tidy Till's author vote
Bibidi Boo can get out of here. Even if I think she's hilarious.
Tidy Till
To be honest neither story did much for me but Tidy's felt a bit more dynamic.
Tidy Till's Author
The quality of the writing was cleaner and the story itself entertained me more. I also like the characterizations of both Bibidi and Tidy better in the first one.
Tidy Till's Author
I almost abstained. The first story was the better of the two in terms of entertainment and distinctive characterization, I felt—and boy do I always appreciate the effort of decent rhyming dialogue—but it was poorly edited and handed me information in far too direct and superfluous-feeling a way. The second story was more skillfully edited, but the characters and the message and pretty much everything else felt markedly bland.
Tidy Till's author: lock down your mechanics and watch your telly-ness for the next round. Maybe get a third party who won't be voting in the contest to have a look at your story, assuming that's something we're allowed to do.
Bibidi Boo's Author
It looks like I'm going against the grain here, but I think the characters got much more justice in the second story than the first one, even though it was less neat and tidy. Plus, Tidy Till's author's story didn't really make sense, and had no real ending.
Unrelated, but the character of Bibidi Boo is one of my favorites so far.
Abstain
My first one so far.
Bibidi Boo's author
Aww. Everyone saying that this is super close, but it seems clear to me that the second story was, well... a better story.
I thought I had a winner already when I saw that Bibidi Boo spoke in rhymes. However, it ended on a really, truly pointless punch line.
The second story, on the other hand, had a really great ending. The fact that it didn't do as much with Till wasn't a big deal in my eyes; it came up with a highly fitting way for them to interact and create a story together, and that's good in itself.
I'm a little sad that I'm backing the losing pony here. ):
Bibidi Boo's Author
Tidy Till's author
It didn't really feel like there was much to the story though--it kind of built up, and then fizzled out. Also, a blank-flank adult pony? While that could work in a longer story, I don't think it can sell in a short story.
The story was well-written, and I loved the rhymes . . . it felt witchy.
Bibidi Boo's Author
This one didn't feel much like a story, either. There wasn't much motivation behind Bibidi's actions that I could discern--if she hates Tidy for some reason, or if she's just a b:yat:h, it didn't quite come out in the story. That having been said, I thought that you wrote Tidy a bit better than Tidy's author did.
This was actually another tough choice--I didn't particularly enjoy either story. They both felt like shaggy dog stories . . . maybe if there had been more to them, I could have gotten more into them. Ultimately, it came down to which OC I liked better, and that was Bibidi.
Bibidi Boo's Author Vote
I think that a little more was done with the characters in this one, so the witch gets my vote.
BIBIDI BOO’S AUTHOR (god, I can't believe I just said that)
The Bargain Before Nightmare Night
Liked: Good rhymes! :D
Disliked: Unfortunately, you also made me hate Bibidi Boo quite a lot more than I expected to. D: Which made this a hard read.
Campaign of Terror
Liked: The setup of her singling him out to terrorize made this pretty funny.
Disliked: I wish you’d left it in her POV instead of shifting without a clutch.
Tidy Till's Author
I think the former sold its message a bit more naturally than the latter. Although there were some issues with telling rather than showing, it nonetheless got more of a chuckle out of me than the latter, so I have to give it the win if only on the weight of emotional response.
Tidy Till's Author
This was close; both authors seemed to grasp the characters pretty well. But I'm going with Tidy's story because it felt a little more natural and I liked the 'scary' ending. As enjoyable as Bibidi Boo's story was, it felt like it was trying to smack me over the head with how much of a wimp Tidy was. I know he was, but I feel like it could have been slightly more restrained than the way it was portrayed.
Tidy Till's author
For basically all the reasons 6024986 stated.
Bibidi Boo's Author
Two very similar stories, but the second one had just a little more substance to it.
Yeeeeeah... nah, I can't vote on either one. Both stories had mediocre executions, yet while Tidy Till's author had a better ending, Bibidi Boo I felt was a better OC. Overall I just can't make a decisive choice.
Tidy Till's Author
This time, the slight edge goes to Tidy Till for all the wrong reasons. Neither story was really all that great, and Tidy Till's was merely less bad.