How Unladylike - by Streamline's Author
"Sweet Celestia, this sucks." Streamline’s alice blue muzzle flicked back and forth as he frantically scanned the sides of the foyer for escape routes. "Where's the exit?"
"Oh no you don't." Scatterbrain’s hooves grabbed Streamline’s tie as he prepared to wander off. It tightened like a noose around his supervisor’s neck, forcing him to let out a gag. "Fantastic, now it’s wrinkled. Please hold still."
"Hurry up, they’re gonna think we’re together or something, and I wouldn’t be with anyone in a white suit." Streamline chuckled as he scanned the glamorous interior of Whinny World’s Stable 33. "The happiest place in Equestria. That's what we call ourselves."
Colt whinny’s Stable 33 was truly the embodiment of Equestrian Capitalism. The monochrome photos taken during the park’s construction hung behind ornate wooden frames. It seemed sometimes as if Colt Whinny himself were presiding over the events held inside, judging whether the occupants were worthy of carrying on his legacy.
“Here we go.” Scatterbrain looked to the ceiling letting out a sigh. “You want to sue for false advertising?”
“If the skin weren't coming off my muzzle, I'd do it in a heartbeat.” Streamline stamped at the floor, like a foal waiting in line for the big colt rides. “I’m here on work, so I will have as much fun here as I would at work.” Streamline tore away from Scatterbrain’s hooves as his last button was fastened.
"Geeze boss,” Scatterbrain grumbled. “Just pretend to have fun, and who knows? You just might just have some for real.”
The wooden foyer doors opened to a sea of immaculately dressed ponies, glistening in their jewelry like the chandeliers hanging above their heads. They gravitated to each other like schools of fish, all hardwired to take the same cues and laugh at the same jokes.
Streamline meandered between groups, making it his business to research and catalogue the nuances of socializing in each of the cliques that had walled themselves off from each other. In truth, it was fun. Not because of the ponies he was talking to, but the challenge of bypassing the groups’ exclusivity.
During the day it seemed as if solutions found themselves. Sure it ensured Streamline remained at the upper end of the corporate food chain, but there was never any resistance - no battle. He looked at his surroundings like an arcade, full of games prepared to be mastered, though he would never admit it to anypony but himself.
As the night drug on, it seemed as though every group had lost it’s novelty. After an hour and a half had crawled by, Streamline had reached a first name basis with two thirds of the occupants with phone numbers from the remainders. The numbers and business cards would find their way to the bottom of his upper-right office drawer soon enough, or until the princesses were overthrown. He glanced over to Scatterbrain. More often than not the pony he was talking to would flee inconspicuously in the opposite direction, leaving Scatterbrain to rub the back of his head with a hoof wondering what he’d done wrong.
“Do you always take such pleasure in watching your friends flounder?”
Streamline choked on the last few drops of his drink. He quickly turned to the table behind him, swiping up a napkin as he cleared the Champagne from his throat. He turned back to face a tan mare draped in a lace dress reclining in the chair to his right. “Excuse me?”
“You’re letting your friend drown out there.” Said the mare, chuckling. “The way you’ve been playing the field, I’d dare say you have have enough experience for the both of you.”
“You might not be wrong,” Streamline said, “but me knowing how to swim won’t do him any good when he’s already in the water. He’ll learn, it just - takes him a while.”
“I saw you talking with a zebras,” the mare said twirling a dangling lock of her bunned, black mane in her hoof. “I don’t see too many of them in here often.”
“Yes, well they’re the creative team behind whinny’s newest animation film,” Streamline reminded her. “The Zebra and the Crag, it has the potential to appeal to a new aud - ”
“I have seen their pitch, Mr. Streamline,” the mare said, looking down to her rose colored drink as it swirled. “Frankly I wasn’t too impressed. I mean a Zebra princess?”
“We aren’t giving her wings and a horn if it makes you feel better.” Streamline reached to his back, swapping his emptied glass with an unclaimed one, full to the brim. His own chuckles were nervous and awkward. Who was this mare, and how did she know him? “I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced, what did you say your name was?”
“I didn’t,” said the mare, flashing a tight grin before relaxing her cheeks. She dangled a hoof in his direction. It sparkled and rattled as the pearls by her wrist clacked against one another. “Minié Ball.”
“Lovely name,” Streamline said, giving the lace swathed hoof a shake. “I must admit, it makes mine seem rather dull in comparison.”
“It does seem a tad bit conventional,” Minié admitted. “Why not just change it?”
“It fits what I do,” said the chair pony, arching a brow. “And I don’t think my parents would ever forgive me” - he shrugged his shoulders, averting his gaze to his off-gold beverage - “Farmponies.”
“Hardly an excuse,” Minié scoffed. “You aren’t the only one here who was raised on a farm.”
Streamline furrowed his brows. “You don’t seem the type.”
“Tuché.”
Both ponies jerked towards the crowd as a silk clad unicorn mare stomped away towards the exit. They traced her path back to a soaked Scatterbrain, his eyes still clenched to keep the wine in his hair from dripping into his eyes. He pursed his lips, jerking the tie from under his suit to wipe his face clean.
“Excuse me for a minute, please.” Streamline folded a mass of napkins under his wings before trotting over to a wine stained Scatterbrain. “I told you not to wear a white suit.”
“Ha ha, give me those.” Scatterbrain’s false laughter died as he pulled away the monogramed napkins. He patted at his until all the crimson streams had been soaked up. Streaks of red still covered his clothes and face, ensuring he would receive no respect for the rest of the party. “So who are you talking to? Friend of yours?”
“Minié Ball,” Streamline said. “The resident racist.”
“Don’t you think you’re jumping the gun?” Scatterbrain said, tossing the ruined rags onto the nearest table. “Racism accusations are pretty serious business. You have any proof?”
“First, she says she was raised on a farm,” Streamline began, “but look at her, her skin’s too fair, and she has no moles to speak of. Judging by her accent she came from near the Dodge Junction area meaning she had and has plenty of chances to get sun. She didn’t work on the farm, her family supervised a plantation. The only sun she got was when she wasn’t under her umbrella or with her tutors.”
“That still doesn’t mean she’s a racist,” Scatterbrain said running a hoof through his hair. He let out a gust of wind through pouted lips. By the orders on his breath and his current state it was obvious he had been mixing his drinks. “That just means she’s spoiled. You’re gonna have to do better than that.”
“She certainly didn’t waste any time voicing her disapproval of a zebra centric picture.”
Scatterbrain bowed his head, only looking up to his boss with vehement disapproval.
“When I come back I’m sure you’ll change your tune.” Streamline labored to his hooves and trotted back over to Minié’s table with a smirk. He shook his head, as he flashed his teeth, eliciting the same reaction from the Dixie mare. The wooden chair creaked as his flank fell to rest.
“You’re friend really is clueless.”
“I’ve tried to teach him but he just won’t learn.” “I think he’s got a bit of stripe in him.” Streamline and Minié broke into a muffled fit of laughter. They both took a sip from their drinks in an attempt to stifle their giggles.
“Do-Don’t worry,” Minié said between gasps. “Your secret's sa-safe with me!”
“Now, as customary for Colt Whinny upper management,” Streamline said adopting a serious look. It was an insult to the one he would use during interviews, his eyes cheery instead of cold. “I feel almost obligated to ask you what your favorite Winnie movie is.”
“Wow,” Minié touched a hoof to her chin. “I’m not sure. They’re all so wonderful.”
“We are in Stable 33,” Streamline said. “I expected that would be an answer. But you can’t tell me there isn’t one that’s a bit closer to your heart than all the others?”
Minié’s eyes were half lidded. With the alcohol obviously taking it’s toll, Streamline knew she would be far less choosy with her words. “I guess not.”
“Let me try guessing,” “I got hired to guess, let’s see how good I am at it. Toy Tail?”
“Nope.”
“The Reindeer King?”
“Eww, no.” Minié furrowed her brows, pulling her head back in surprise.
“Hrmmm.” Streamline arched his brows, wrinkling his forehead as he bowed in hesitation. “The Hunchbuck of Trotterdame?”
Minié made a buzzer noise with her mouth. “Nope, try again. Last chance.”
“I gotta say,” Streamline said, cocking his head to one side. “You’ve got me stumped. I guess I’ll just have to go with one of my personal favorites... Hymn of the Hills. They don’t even make it anymore, that can’t possibly be it.”
“That’s-” Minié said, her jaw dropping. “That’s your favorite too?”
“Sweet Celestia!” Streamline said, dropping his muzzle into his hooves. “It was right in front of me the whole time!”
“This has been great,” Minié said. “We’ll have to get in touch when we can fly strait. I better go find my valet. I’m sure he’s just bored to tears.”
“That’s what you pay him for.” Streamline said.
“Keep in touch,” Minié cooed.
“I will.”
Even as tipsy as the mare was she seemed to glide across the tile to the exit with unparalleled grace, like a swan on a lake. She would have no problem finding a stallion to suit her needs - and eccentricities. Streamline had his own faults, one of them being too lazy to make it work.
Streamline wandered back to a table occupied solely by a stallion in a nightmarish white suit. He was muzzle was plastered to the table, inches away from an abandoned crowd of glasses and dishes that were piling up as the emerging janitorial staff started consolidating their workloads.
“I was right,” Streamline began, “again.”
“Pwove ert.” Streamline was forced to bow towards his drunken friend to make sense of his half-sensible words. They were garbled as his lips flapped against the hard surface of the table.”
Scatterbrain heard the chair elicit a signature squeak. There was only one stallion who made a chair groan that way. Scatterbrain tilted his head back, setting crossed and unfocused eyes on the bleary visage of his supervisor.
“Only if you don’t. She hate’s The Reindeer King, loves Hymn of the Hills, and thinks you’re part Zebra.”
“I can’t believe it.” Scatterbrain’s muzzle fell back against the table with an audible thump. “I lost all my faith in Equinity in a single night.”
“See?” Streamline shot the hobling stallion a grin. “You are learning.”
Minié Ball vs Streamline - by Minié Ball's Author
If there was any one thing Streamline hated, it was inefficiency. He had taken the Colt Whinney Corporation and pulled it out of mediocrity from the bottom listings of the Cow Pones stock exchange to the very top of the industry. He had money; he had mares on the arm; he had a legion of lawyers, accountants and office drones slaving away every day of the year to keep him on top.
So why, exactly, had he taken a twelve hour train ride from his Manehattan penthouse suite out into the boonies, to find himself standing in the boiling southern Equestrian sun, knocking on the door of a massive cloud mansion with colonial pretensions in the middle of the most fertile farmlands this side of the Applelachian Mountains?
Oh, he knew. He knew. Because, apparently, he had hired the worst negotiators of all time to broker a deal with the Mason-Dixie Agricultural Corporation and his in house food processing industries. Because, apparently, they had been so piss poor at their jobs that the heiress had been offended to the point of requiring assurances of the Executive Director that the deal was going to be beneficial to them both. Face to face.
It was inefficient. And there wasn’t anything Streamline hated more than inefficiency.
He was snapped out of his reverie by a rather attractive young Zebra in a Prench maid uniform. “Oh you must be Mistah Streamline! Please sah, let me fetch the lady of the house. If you’d like to sit a spell on the veranda, a servant will be along shortly with refreshments.” She turned with a very pleasing sashay and sauntered back into the house. Streamline cleared his throat uncomfortably before casting about for a seat.
He was not left alone in the heat for long. A veritable train of Zebras and Donkeys came out, setting out pitchers of ice cold sweet tea and rather small, delicate looking sandwiches. They disappeared as quickly as they had arrived, the result of long training, no doubt. He shook his head as he reached forward to help himself to a drink and a few nibblies, but sat up as the Prench Zebra opened the front door and waved through a striking young pegasus mare.
She took a seat, taking the time to elegantly situating her dress just so. “Oh, sirrah, you must be the Mister Streamline from Manehattan?” She drew a paper fan across her face and tittered coquettishly. “I had not been informed that the CEO would be such a handsome gentlecolt.”
“I, uh. Yes. Quite.” Streamline cleared his throat and shifted nervously in his seat. It was so hot all of a sudden. “And you must be Miss Ball?”
She giggled again from behind her fan. “Why yes I am. I trust you were not kept waiting long? Refreshments to your liking? I swear that the Princess, bless her heart, brings the sun closer to the plantations every summer.”
“Oh, yes, everything was great. Wonderful staff you have here.”
“I must say that’s awfully kind of you. We’ve always been a more open-minded and personable sort here at the Mason-Dixie estate. Our neighbors said it couldn’t be done, but we showed them that you could bring a Zebra to the most rarified of civil functions.” She leaned back in her sun chair, fanning herself lugubriously. “I tell you they can be trained.”
“Well yes, that’s—” His brain finally caught up to his ears and his brow furrowed. “I’m sorry?”
She made an odd, dismissive motion with her fan. “Well, bless their hearts, they do try, but they can be so shiftless.” She sniffed derisively. “Why, my poor late father Mason Jar—bless his poor, departed soul—he just had to always stay on top of the field Zebras, just to keep them working through their daily rounds. Drove him to an early grave.”
“Zebras? In your fields?” Streamline stared. “Um, as an aside, about the Zebras…”
“Oh, the Zebras? I’m afraid you won’t find them in the fields anymore. After all, Celestia was very clear after the laws were passed up in Canterlot how things were going to go with the Zebras.”
Streamline sighed, visibly relieved. “That’s a weight off my chest, Ms. Ball—”
She reached forward and tapped him playfully with her folded fan. “Please, Mr. Streamline! Call me Minié. ‘Ms. Ball’ makes me feel like a cow put out to pasture!”
He smiled weakly. “Minié then—”
“And I wouldn’t be worried about any sort of violation of the labor laws here. All our Zebra workers are well paid, well respected veterans of their fields.”
“I—”
“The bulk of our Donkeys from south of the border, of course.” She nodded judiciously. “We had to find some way of keeping costs low, after all.”
Streamline nodded slowly, his face locked up in a rictus of intense concentration. “I’m sorry.” He nodded again, rubbed at his chin with a hoof as he muttered quiet little nothings to himself. He finally looked back up at Minié. “What’s this about the Donkeys?”
She began to fan herself again as she looked out over the fields, replete with bountiful harvest of fruits and vegetables and—as Streamline had just noticed to his dismay—teams of raggedy Donkey workers being watched over by burly Zebras in reflective sunglasses with rather unfriendly expression on their faces.
“Well, I know that as a big city businessman you must find our work down here rather quaint, but we still find our own little ways to cut a corner or two.” She dropped him an outrageous wink with that. “Donkeys come from the south, right out of the Burros, and we bring them to our bosom and give them a place to stay, food to eat, and work at ten percent the going rate of an Earth pony.”
Streamline stared into space. “Ten percent,” he whispered.
“Mmhmm, ten percent.” She brought the fan to her chin tapping as her brow furrowed. “I admit that Donkeys are a slovenly lot who need a lot of guidance to make them Celestia fearing, hard workers like ponies are, but with some time, some love and firm but fair policy that involves barely any whipping at all, we’ve managed to increase our productivity by two hundred percent. Two. Hundred.” She punctuated each word with a smack of her fan on the table.
“Two hundred percent.” Streamline continued his slow nodding as she rolled over his muttered remark.
“Admittedly some of them do try to run before their very generous contracts run out and we can’t call the guard to pick them up or they might ask just the rudest questions to a genteel lady like myself, but that’s nothing an Orthrus can’t handle.”
“Orthrus.” He nodded again, but then his eyes unglazed and he gawked at Minié. ”Orthrus?”
“They’re quite efficient, I assure you.”
“Now wait a minute here.” Streamline heaved himself to his hooves, and gave Minié a hard stare. “Now, I might be able to be swayed by talk of cutting costs and increased productivity, but I will not stand for any talk of, of, of hunting Donkeys with a two headed monster dog!” He began to walk away turning his head back to the seated belle. “Good day to you, Ms. Ball.” He said icily.
She looked at him calmly. “Our accountants have worked out that this deal has a projected value of 885 million bits per quarter, twice your previous projections.”
Her head cocked as Streamline’s mouth pursed and sweat beaded on his brow.
“Now why don’t you have a seat over yonder and I’ll ask one of the house Zebras to make us a new batch of tea?”
Streamline sat.
MINIE BALL AUTHOR VOTE
I enjoyed the Disney parallel quite a lot, but I was swayed by the more solid characters in the second piece.
OBS, TO MEND AND DEFEND
Minié Ball's Author
The second story was better composed, both from a pacing and grammatical standpoint,
Streamline's Author
Hah! Take THAT, previous voters!
I think Minie's author had the same problem I did, that they didn't get the Disney connection without actually having it spelled out like that. But that's okay, it's not integral to Streamline's character.
And holy cow, racism. I'm still in shock a little bit that someone would do this. Not in a holy-crap-you're-a-terrible-person sort of way, of course, but more like "That took some guts." I'm glad I didn't have to write against this character (or did I...?).
I think Streamline had a lot more to him in the first story, and that was about the only character depth anywhere, which is what swung my vote. The second story, which involved CONVINCING STREAMLINE TO ACCEPT RACISM FOR PROFIT, could have done a lot more with itself. It was told so neutrally that I didn't really feel connected to either character. There were some hints that Minie (I'm not going to bother with the accent, sorry) was being manipulative on purpose and that Streamline was struggling with his emotions, but that's all there were. This story would've been so much better if it had been told from inside Streamline's head, either in a tight third-person limited from his POV, or straight first person. I would've connected to it so much more.
I would be fine with either of these characters moving on to future stories, but I'm not sad about missing out on more stories about racism.
Streamline's author
Racism is a bold topic to approach, and a bolder one to centre your character around, so I applaud Minie Ball's author's intentions, especially since the ending of their story seemed to imply that they were going for a moral grey area with a story about a supposedly principled character compromising their beliefs for profit. But I have problems with it.
The first is that despite setting the story from Streamline's perspective, the story is still firmly focused on Minie Ball herself, with Streamline not having much character to speak of, and ostensibly just being there to react to Minie's racism.
The second is that this story implies that something roughly analagous to African-American slavery was going on in Equestria with the zebras until Celestia very recently ended it. With all due respect, Equestria as a setting is not dark enough for an author to make a parallel like that without investing some time in worldbuilding to justify the discrepency, and I don't think that Minie's author did that. Granted, with the restrictions on the maximum word count, I don't see how they could've, but that's perhaps why this might've been a bad concept for this contest in the first place.
And my third and final problem (a more minor one, though), is that I don't see why Minie felt the need to go on listing all her acts of racism and rights violations when she didn't know for sure that she was in the company of like-minded individuals. She's lucky that Steamline's greed won out over his principles, because that could've very easily ruined their business relationship. In fact, it nearly did.
Streamline's story, in contrast, I think worked a better. Some of the parallels were again a little more blatant than I'd have liked, but overall, I think the Disney references were a strength of the story rather than a weakness, and are less unbelievable to me as a feature of Equestria, especially since it's based on something from the official IDW comics, if I'm not mistaken. Streamline also had a bit more character to him, as I'd expect from his creator. In fact, he had kind of a Sherlock Holmes vibe to him in how he had Minie pegged almost immediately and analysed all those small details to back up his assumptions, as well as goading her into revealing more personal information with guessing her favourite film. There were still a few small grammar hiccups, and I think the dialogue was a little clunky at points, but I liked it overall.
So on that basis, yeah, my vote is for Streamline.
Minié Ball's Author
It's funny. Both of these characters seem made—at least in part—to mess with opposing authors. Minié seems to exist to force an opponent to struggle with writing a compelling story starring a racist, and Streamline's job at the "Colt Whinny Corporation" feels (at least to me) like a purposeful misdirection, as I had no idea that was supposed to be Disney. One of these attempts works better than the other, it seems: Minié is reduced entirely to her racism in the Streamline entry, to the point that she's not really much of a character anymore, while in the Minié Ball entry, Streamline just happens to work for a different, perhaps even more believable company.
I mean, one can only hope that future stories starring Minié won't involve her drawing other characters into being racists, but my objection to the content doesn't negate the fact that both characters were just about fully realized in the Minié piece, whereas in the Streamline piece, Minié seemed to matter less than Streamline's sidekick.
Moreover, the Streamline entry feels unfinished. There are breaks in dialogue where I'm sure the author meant to insert narration but subsequently forgot to, and the conversation between Streamline and Minié got cut short so abruptly that I'm almost convinced it was supposed to go on a bit longer beforehand.
Minie Bell's Author
I felt this one more, in a way. I felt the characterization of the two was better done, and that the interactions were exactly like how I'd envision a rich racist and a greedy executive to go. Streamline's wasn't bad, but it was a bit jumbled in the message, and I felt that the inclusion of Scatterbrain wasn't necessary.
VOTE FOR MINIE BALL
Characters: The theme of racism is an easy tool to pick up, but a difficult one to wield with any kind of elegance. It's one of those topics that people have such visceral reactions to, that even the hint of it in a story makes the story become about that thing. It's almost cheating to have Minie Ball be such an open bigot, because any story featuring her is going to be a story about her racism. It's not one of those things that gets casually mentioned and fades into the background.
Streamline, on the other hand, seems to be going for a Don Draper type slick businessman, all 10AM martinis and secretary blowjobs on the company jet. It's a hard character to nail down, and you've got to really want to work that sort of character into a lovable-rogue if you want me to care about anything he does.
Scenarios: So both stories are about Minie's racism. There's no way around that. The Streamline entry was sort of a mystery where the author was going for a "Let's play Spot the Old Money Racist in a Crowded Room" type story, which could be good, but I think in the constraint of a word limit on the entry really hurts this type of narrative. Streamline had to make a few intuitive leaps and suss her out really quickly.
Minie's entry though, was great. It fit perfectly into limit. Right away we got that Streamline's personality quirk was his love of efficiency and profits, and Minie was in her own home, where she flaunted her bigotry without shame. She then proceeded to use Streamline's personality quirk to rationalize her own awfulness both to Streamline and the reader.
Conclusion: Overall, Minie's story was the more skillful handling of the topic given the length of the submissions. It didn't dance around the topic, so we ended up with a lot of meat in the reading.
Less importantly, but still of note, is the fact that Minie's story was the more polished of the two regarding the pure mechanics.
Colt Winnie is a fuck-awful pun for Walt Disney.
6018062 Wait...
Do you know something we don't?
6018432
Do you ever actually vote?
Minié Ball's author
Lookit all these long reviews. Guess people gave higher amounts of fucks because of the subject matter.
This is what I have to say: much of why this second story works so well is because Minie Ball is handled so well. That's not quite fair, since this one is her author, but the results are what they are.
6018453
Oh heavens, no. I'm in this contest myself. I'm not allowed to know who other contestants are. I'm just saying that I'd expect for the creator of a character to write that character better. Granted, that expectation has been defied in several previous story pairings, but as a rule, my default assumption is always that a writer should know their own characters best.
Minié Ball's Author
Came down to the second story seemed more coherent. Twice in the first story I was actually confused about something.
Minié Ball's Author
Neither story was bad, but Minié Ball's author's entry had characters that were much more fleshed out, whereas Streamline's author's entry seemed to put more emphasis on Scatterbrain than the opponent.
Minié Ball's Author
gr666 b666 m666, I r666 666/666
Edgy as fuck, you get a brohoof for now /)* and a follow once the contest is over.
me on Google Chat just now:
No idea which one I like better here. I'll come back to it later.
Minié Ball's Author
Minié Ball's Author
I gotta hand it to this one. Even though transposing a Southern plantation and all its ills into the universe of My Little Pony meshes about as well as a grizzly bear at the annual Blind Obese One-Legged Caribou Convention, the story nonetheless characterizes its actors quite well. It certainly gives that proper Southern twang to Minié's dialogue, and I think that's what really sold me. I might not buy much else about the story, but I certainly dig some good voice.
Streamline's Author Vote
While I feel that the argument could be made that Streamline would be able to be convinced using a numbers standpoint, the first story felt more subtle about Minié's racism. It doesn't feel to me like she'd be so bluntly putting it out there, her character sheet implies that she'd be a little smoother about it.
Minié Ball's Author
A well-written and emotionally conflicting story. Slightly stirring on the part of the reader. This particular story puts the qualities of Streamline into question, which I feel is interesting, and fleshes it out adequately enough for it to be exemplary.
Minié Ball's Author
I hate the character and what she represents but I feel the story handled better overall both OCs personalities.
Minie Ball's Author
Much as I utterly despise Minie as a character, her author's story was far less confusing and more properly paced than Streamline's.
After giving this a lot of thought, I'm gonna have to go with Minie Ball's Author vote.
Didn't like Streamline's piece at all. But throwing any support to Minie's just makes me feel uncomfortable...
Minié Ball's Author
The subject matter pisses me right the hell off, but that's ultimately the intention. Very good execution of both characters.
Minie Ball's author
It was far more readable. More consistent voices, and it just seemed more like actual characters having a discussion.
It was interesting, though, having two bad guys and no good guys. 'Twill be entertaining to see Minie Ball in other stories through the rest of the competition, as I suspect that every story will be dominated by her racism, as that overshadows any and all other themes. And I wonder how well other authors will be able to write about that theme without shying away from it or just plain doing it poorly.
MINIE BALL’S AUTHOR (much to my consternation)
How Unladylike
Liked: The thing about him not wanting to be with someone in a white suit was great.
Disliked: I am just really confused by this. Couldn’t place it, couldn’t figure out what’s going on… At least I finally realized “Colt Whinny” is meant to be Walt Disney!
Minié Ball vs. Streamline
Liked: Streamline’s excellently voiced. Really pops off the page.
Disliked: God, this story is uncomfortable. I feel dirty voting for it.
Minié Ball's Author
This is where my own integrity gets me . . . as soon as I was done with Minié Ball's piece, I wanted it to lose, just because I despised her character.
Streamline
I like the comics ref--not enough authors make use of that additional canon, and there's a lot of good stuff in there. I also like the little tidbit of worldbuilding you threw in there about ponies changing their names. It's tough to slip that kind of thing into a short story, and you made it fit naturally. I caught two apostrophe errors, but otherwise nothing mechanical stuck out. Overall, it was a solid story . . . but it just felt like not much was happening. I think it would work quite well as part of larger story, but it didn't feel like it could quite stand on its own.
Minié Ball's
God, I hated the story. She's the type of pony I'd love to punch in the face. But there's an important lesson here--you can write a good polarizing story that makes your readers uncomfortable. There was good characterization, good descriptions throughout. And it was racist as fuck. Did I mention I don't like Minié Ball? 'Cause I don't. I wanted to downvote the story so bad, just to teach her a lesson . . . but that wouldn't be fair to the author.
Streamline's Author
It won't matter to really anything but my conscience, but by God that's enough.
I just want to say. Racism, as a topic, can be done in Equestria. There is a built in, but above all pony system that allows you to deal with it! There is absolutely no possible way to reasonably introduce or explain, nor is there any conceivable reason to utilize, human racism in a pony world. That you used the term 'Mason-Dixie' in a pony story shows you have absolutely no respect for the source material. I suppose on an extreme maybe, you could say in the far, far past. But not in modern day Equestria. And on top of that, blatantly blanketing specific human stereotypes as a specific animal is distasteful on its own.
That being said, it's Goddamned closer than it really should be. Overlooking the fact that slavery and racism of this sort absolutely don't belong in this setting, Minie Ball's entry is very solidly put together. It's better written, better paced. However, both sides utilize their own characters better than the others. Some have argued that Streamline is still shown well in Minie Ball's entry, but I would disagree. We get an OK beginning for him, and most of his characterization there as well, and then he sits there and is as uncomfortable as the reader as Minie hams the scene. I don't even think the 'shocking' choice at the end really characterizes Streamline all that well. It's just more bleak, selfish, bad choices in a bright and cheery, friendship-fueld world! Isn't that grand?
In Streamline's side, you can safely argue that Streamline gets more characterization. And he does. But Minie, though still somewhat blatant, is handled a tid bit more subtle, meaning her very existence isn't near as much a sin in this universe. It's just slightly closer to what we could realistically expect racism to look like in this 'verse. And the story itself is still fine. A little too focused on a third party, which is where I think a lot of people are looking to Minie's story instead, but there was humor in that. I enjoyed it, to an extent. And as so many before, the Minie entry made me groan and dread that I might have to vote for it. It's not even discomfort in the story so much as knowing someone thought this was OK.
Are there times when serious topics should be dealt with in fiction? When you should be making your readers uncomfortable, making them think about how they look at life when it comes to said serious topics? Yes. Oh yes, quite so. Can you do those in pony? I would say yes, yes you can. Should you have done so in this competition? No! You're limited to 2500 words! Sure, you can make your readers feel dirty and uncomfortable, but that's all you're doing. You don't have the wordcount to really push the idea in the proper ways. All you did was introduce a stupidly racist character, that everyone knew was stupidly racist, and no one (who isn't a stupid racist) is going to argue that's a good thing! So there's no point.
So, thank God I can safely vote for Streamline, even though he won't win. Streamline's author, you took a terrible character and did your best. You couldn't help the character was utter trash with no point. So bravo to you.
6027034 Good for you, bro. I've taken 3 Minie Ball-cleansing showers and I still feel dirty.
You know, I really hope that I can, in agreement with my conscience and the spirit of the competition, vote against Minie Ball in the next chapter.
Minié Ball's Author
After reading Minié's bio in the character sheet, I was facepalming. Not because I thought the character didn't have potential, but because I knew that no matter what stories were done on her, it would always focus on her racism. I know that's the most prominent aspect of her character, but I was secretly hoping that more factors of her personality would be examined.
And I was right: both stories focus on her racism as the main issue of the story. But at the end of the day, I was more invested in Ball's story than Streamline's. Oddly enough, my choice isn't really based on the characterizations; mainly because the 2 stories share the same good and bad aspects of the story. Both have a good portrayal of Ball, but both seem to somewhat lack personality for Streamline. Going on that factor, the stories are nearly equal.
What tips the story for me is the attitude towards racism. Ball's story looked at it far more seriously and with a hint of horror, whereas Streamline's looked at it as more of a silly antiquated view that earns snickering behind one's back. To Streamline's credit, that is a rather ballsy way to look at, and it certainly was interesting to see it portrayed that way. But Streamline's story also seemed to reduce it to a silly game of 2 drunk business-horses making fun of a mare for her taste in Pony-Disney movies.
As much as I hate stories about racism (not because of their message of overcoming prejudice, but their overuse in modern media), Ball's story at least had some guts to look at racism head-on. It was cliche, sure, and at points Ball seemed almost cartoonishly evil, but Ball's author seemed to take it far more seriously than Streamline's author did. This, along with the fact that we see Streamline get pushed to his limit and (possibly?) become willing to sell his soul in the name of money. In Streamline's story, there's no real challenge for him, so he just comes off as a smartass talking to a racist. Ball's story at least had something at stake.
Also, Streamline's story committed an unforgivable sin:
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/masonry/000/062/031/avgn.jpg
It's "touché", damn it!
Minié Ball's Author
The second story had a bit more substance to it, and it was interesting seeing the worst of both characters, though the racism angle is a little overbearing.
Minié Ball's Author
It was the story that was more cohesive, but neither story was particularly great. The first was a bit messy, and the second felt like it wanted to be significantly longer than the word limit allowed.
Minié Ball's Author
Super funny. Indeed. Yes. Quite good. Mmmmmhmmm.