Return to Sender - by Hazel Luck's Author
“This Is Love Runner with Pegasus Parcels I’ve got a package for a Hazel Luck.” The stallion on the other side of the door stood stock still. His expression slowly faded to one of comprehension and he replied.
“Ok, I’ll go get her” turning around he entered the house closing the door behind him. Love Runner waited patiently at the door. Package and Clipboard sitting on her back. She mentally planned out the rest of her route hoping for an easy day’s work.
Love Runner could hear voices from inside, and the sounds of ponies walking around. She definitely wasn’t getting the feeling she was being ignored, and she definitely wasn’t growing bored of these pony’s rather generic porch. Finally sighing in defeat she knocked on the door again.
A brown coated filly answered the door looking up to Love Runner and greeting her with a smile. “I’ve got a package for Hazel Luck?”
The filly’s face light up with glee “ Oh awesome it finally came in!” she grabbed the package with her magic and floated a quill out to sign for it. “Oh I can’t wait to show Comet Trail! He’s going to love it”
Despite Lover Runner’s best efforts to ignore it her cutiemark was very firm in insisting this poor mare was in a doomed relationship and would be better off dumping poor Comet Trail. Usually she’d let the mare go and live her life, but she just seemed so sweet. Why leave her happier than she could be. “Listen Hazel I’ve got a knack for this sort of thing. Even got the mark to prove it.” Love Runner paused showing off her cutie mark. “So believe me when I say this, but you and Comet Trail would be happier if you broke the whole thing off.”
The shorter mares face contorted into one of deep thought and concentration. Clearly taking in everything Love Runner had just told her. After an all too brief second she looked up to Lover Runner a smile on her face. “Well you're the expert here. It’d be rude to disregard such sound advice.”
Hazel Turned around package floating in her magic anew. “Hey Comet Tail I’m dumping you see you later probably.” Then humming to herself she trotted into town.
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Hazel sighed it was a good day. A book to read tea to drink and any minute now Fleet Flyer would be home join her. Yes the day couldn’t get much better. Then there was a knock at the door. Excited to entertain some guests she rushed to the door.
“This is Love Runner with Pegasus Parcels. I’ve got a package here for Fleet Flyer.”
“Oh, it’s you!” Hazel Luck opened the door wide and gave the mare on the other side a hug. “Oh, you were just so right last time. I dumped silly old Comet Tail and the next day I met Fleet Flyer. Who’s just about the nicest stallion I’ve ever met.” she paused and her horn started glowing amber. “And now i get to surprise him with whatever this package is.” As she finished talking a quill finally floated out from the house behind her.
As Hazel Luck signed for her special somepony’s package Love Runner was performing a mental tug of war with her special talent on the winning side. She looked Hazel over again. She looked happy, sounded happy, and presumably tasted happy, so was there really somepony better out there for her? “Hazel Honey. I hate to say it but, my cutie mark is saying leave this one as well.”
Hazel Luck’s eyes quickly narrowed in anger. “I’m sure you think being right once in awhile makes you an expert, but I’ll not have you joking about me and fleety like that.” package in tow she slammed the door.
“This is Love Runner with Pegasus Parcels. I’ve got a package here for Hazel Luck.”
The Mare on the other side of the door did not look happy to be receiving a package, nor did she seem to happy to see Love Runner.
“Look here you, not long after our last chat Fleet Flyer dumped me. So i’m going to sign this, and despite any whims you might have you’re going to leave”. Love Runner Dumbly nodded her head in agreement not wishing to agitate the Mare further.
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“This is Love Runn-” The door slammed hard in Love Runner’s face.
Word of advice for this author:
Your pacing is too fast. With so short a word count, you aren't doing enough to establish these characters and make them memorable. From a quick skim reading, all I was able to pick up was that Love Runner seems to have some talent relating to love, that multiple parcels were delivered, and I think a relationship or maybe two ended in the course of it. I need more than names and a basic statement of facts about them. Have actual conversations with dialogue, describe characters in narration, and don't be so eager to rush through to the next scene. Your grammar could also use some work, but I have neither the time nor inclination to go into specifics, so I'd recommend asking for help from an editor for next round.
You've advanced by default here, but honestly speaking, I don't think you would've fared well had you had an actual opponent. Take the time between now and the next round to read the other entries and learn what you're doing wrong so that you'll be able to put up a better show next round. You won't get far in the contest if you don't improve here.
Best of luck, and I hope my advice helps you.
Pretty much nothing happens here except Love Runner doing her thing. Your structure of humorous repetition would work if you took your time and carried it with stronger prose, but instead this is the all too typical kind of thing that drives ahead with no subtlety at a less than stellar reading level. Kind of a pity because these were two pretty okay characters. Good luck with the next round.
I feel that you have a pretty good base here, but you could benefit from using a bit more of the words allowed to help enhance what you have. Not bad, but there's room for improvement.
6017338 are you going to do this with all the default entries? Because some of us (not saying who) REALLY WANT SOME FEEDBACK!!!
On the subject of the story. I liked the humor of the entry, it made me laugh, which is good. The OCs use had problems though and as mentioned, Hazel isn't really developed well and the interaction with her and Love Runner doesn't really make for interesting content. Also, there were one or two grammar errors. That being said, approaching with a fast one-shot hilarity fic wasn't a bad idea, but it needs tweaking.
...Others have already said what needs to be said here, but I want comments on my entry, so by god, I am going to leave them. One thing I liked and one thing I didn't.
Liked: That you gave this contest a shot. Keep writing! (Well, obviously you will next round, but you get what I mean.)
Disliked: Hazel Luck has zero characterization in her own story. I thought this was Love Runner's entry by the end; Hazel could have been replaced by any OC whatsoever with the same results. Next time, give us more of her.
6017338
I'll echo everything Danny said here. There's really not much else to say.