Follow your dreams - by Glyph Dance's Author
The sun was low over Manehatten, the late afternoon preparing to bleed the last of its light into dusk. The din of the city did not abate, but within the mish-mash of sounds, a voice called out.
“See ya tomorrow, Glyph!” A construction worker called out to a departing stallion.
“See you tomorrow, Hard Hat!” the pony replied, waving a hoof at the rest of the off-duty crew. He received various calls from them as well, before he headed off into the city.
Glyph Dance was a cobalt coated Unicorn stallion, with an aquamarine mane and tail, the former neat with slight bangs, while the tail was cropped short to avoid it snagging on something in the construction yard. His Cutie Mark was a simple silver cube wrapped in an aura an identical color to his own lavender one, which matched his eyes. Around his waist a dark brown tool belt hung, an assortment of items stuck inside, including a hammer, nails, screw driver, and a pair of daggers, carefully concealed to avoid a scene with the local guard. You could never be too careful, especially in Manehatten.
The construction yard had been close to Timeless Triangle, and Glyph could hear the sounds of somepony talking through a megaphone. It wasn’t unusual for performances or speeches to take place in Timeless Triangle, and they were often worth a laugh, if not something to pass the time. Like that blue unicorn illusionist with the wacky hat and “better than you” spiel, or the extremely loud and bombastic minotaur who clearly thought the word “subtle” referred to some kind of unground turtle. Intrigued, Glyph found himself angling towards it, drawn to the event for a reason he couldn’t quite place, and found himself in the midst of a crowd listening to a Pegasus giving a motivational speech.
She was pretty, in a way, with her tan coat and blonde mane that probably was called “dirty blonde” for whatever reason. Her mane looked messy, and her wings looked fluffy, the feathers seeming to stand out at random, as if she hadn’t preened them recently, but that gave her a sort of wild look, and for the ponies who were usually out at this time, the young club-and-bar hoppers generally, it appealed to them. Her Cutie Mark was a radio microphone with silver colored sound waves coming from it, and a big smile was on her face as she spoke to the crowd that had gathered.
Glyph listened, and felt himself nodding along with some of what she said. A lot of what the mare was saying was more or less standard; “dream big,” “believe in yourself,” “don’t give up.” The sort of things that were Motivational 101. But the way she said them resonated with Glyph. She spoke with conviction and in a way that told him she too believed in what she was saying. And that made it resonate with the young unicorn all the more strongly.
Her speech ended after a while, and an Earth Pony walked up to the stage beside her amidst the applause. “Thank you for that! A hearty round of applause for Miss Loud Mouth!” the Earth Pony said, waving and smiling. “Our next guest…” Glyph tuned it out, the show over, for him at least, and he wandered out of the crowd to find dinner somewhere.
But even as he trotted away, something in him had sparked to life. Hearing the mare, Loud Mouth as she had been introduced, had rekindled a desire in him that had lain dormant for a long time. Glyph Dance had spent several years on the road, learning about his magic, testing its limits, and exploring the vastness of Equestria. It had been a wonderful experience, but he’d eventually settled down in Manehatten after five years being more or less a vagabond. By day, he worked with the Big Building Construction Co., using his abnormally strong telekinesis to move heavy loads quickly and safely. And at night on the weekends he moonlighted as a bouncer for the Strobe Light dance club, tossing out unruly or drunk ponies. And it was a good life, he wasn’t complaining. He had friends, good co-workers and bosses, and he made a decent amount of bits. But recently, he’d been feeling cooped up in Manehatten. His years of wandering had given him itchy hooves, he supposed, though he’d never worked up the courage to do anything about it. After listening to Loud Mouth’s speech, his desires burned brightly once more, and he felt his courage grow.
The night was here fully now, the moon hanging high in the star speckled sky, and after finishing a quick meal at a nearby diner, Glyph Dance found himself walking through the park outside of Timeless Triangle. He felt it would do him good to get some training in. Glyph made his way to the edge of the small lake in the park, and closed his eyes, his horn glowing. Soon, large blobs of water lifted out of the lake, gripped in a lavender magic field, and began to dance about. Opening his eyes, Glyph carefully moved his water around, sometimes separating the larger blobs into smaller ones, and other times merging small ones into bigger ones. It took a lot of concentration to merge telekinetic fields quickly and easily, and if you weren’t careful, the objects being manipulated could become damaged. That was why Glyph practiced with water.
In the moderate darkness, the park lit by lamps, distant neon signs, and the bright moon, Glyphs lavender-glowing water blobs were quite visible, and their dance almost mesmerizing. After a few minutes, Glyph could feel his magic being strained. Merging and separating magic fields was taxing for any unicorn, and he felt that this was enough training for one night. He released his magic, and the water fell back into the lake with soft splashes.
The sound of clapping broke the silence, and Glyph jumped in surprise, spinning around to face the audience. Behind him, seated on a nearby bench, was the Pegasus from earlier, Loud Mouth. She gave him a sheepish grin, one that Glyph returned with a hint more embarrassment, and trotted over.
“I didn’t see you when I came over,” he said, awkwardly, and she nodded.
“I came a bit after you started. It was really impressive! You’ve got a lot of control!”
“Thank you, miss. Do you mind if I sit down?” Loud Mouth shook her head, and scooted over a bit, letting Glyph take a seat on the bench next to her.
“I heard your speech earlier. It was really good,” he began, and he saw her smile become a bit forced.
“Really? Thank you.”
“In fact,” Glyph continued, “you inspired me to try and do something I’d been wanting to do for a while.”
“I’m glad to have been of help.” They lapsed into silence for a while, Glyph unsure of what to talk about. After an awkward few moments, he glanced over to look at Loud Mouth. She was staring through the trees, her gaze latched onto the semi-visible billboard that stood near the entrance to the park. It was showing an advertisement for the city’s premier radio station, Manehatten 93.6 “The Mane Event.” There was a hungry, longing look in Loud Mouth’s eyes, one that surprised Glyph.
“You’re interested in radio?” he hazarded, and she nodded.
“It’s how I got my Cutie Mark. I was working as an errand runner for the Cloudsdale radio station, 97.4 “the Bolt,” when a freak storm struck and no one was around to deliver the emergency weather bulletin. I ended up taking the initiative, and wound up giving updates and warnings, as well as general news, for six hours straight. It was exhilarating, and then I got this.” She wiggled her flank a bit, showing off her Cutie Mark. “My dream then became to host a radio show, just talking and being listened to by hundreds. But no one would hire me. I’ve tried to get into the business, but I’m always offered menial jobs, or bit pieces, and while I worked them, they just weren’t giving me any satisfaction. After a while, I wound up working for a friend, giving motivational speeches around Equestria. It’s alright, but again I just don’t enjoy it as much as I wish I could. Now here I am, 31 years old, and unhappy with my life.” Loud Mouth sighed, and Glyph felt a pang of sympathy for her.
“While I don’t know how that feels exactly, I do understand how it is to be unappreciated.” Glyph began. “You see, I only know one spell; telekinesis. My Cutie Mark displays that fact. And my family is all unicorns, and they all have varied spells. Not a lot of variation, but being a one-trick unicorn is, well, unusual.”
“Were you bullied a lot?” Loud Mouth asked, curious about where this was going.
“Yup. Other Unicorns made fun of my lack of spells, and generally gave me grief. It was hard.” Glyph sighed, thinking back on his past. “But you know what? It made me stronger, in a way. I only have telekinesis, but my power has been honed to be one of the strongest, if not the strongest, telekinesis-fields in Equestria. I can lift over a ton at once, or lift dozens of smaller things simultaneously. And I practice my skills everyday, so I get better and better.”
“Well, that’s nice and all…”
“There’s no one job I can do, is what I’m getting at,” Glyph said, interrupting the Pegasus mare. “I don’t know what I want with my life, or what I want to do with my talents. Sure, there’s a lot I can use it for, but why would I?” At this, Glyph turned to Loud Mouth. “But you? You know what you want to do! You know what you can do with your gift! And even though it isn’t what you may want exactly, you still do it, and do it well! When I heard you speaking, it encouraged me to go out and find a purpose.” There was silence once more, but it was a contemplative sort. Eventually, Loud Mouth smiled.
“Maybe you should get into the motivational speech business, with that kind of talk.”
Glyph snorted in amusement. “Maybe I will!” The pair shared a laugh, all tension gone, replaced with a smooth sort of comradery. Time passed, and eventually Glyph got off the bench, preparing to head home.
“I wish you all the luck in the world for you dreams to come true, Loud Mouth. And even if they don’t, well, at least you tried!”
“Thank you. I never got your name, by the way.”
“It’s Glyph Dance.”
“Well, Glyph Dance, since you know my dream, it’s only fair you share yours.” Glyph paused, before smirking.
“Well, if you insist.” Glyph turned to face the moon, and stood up on his hind legs, forelegs thrown wide open. “My dream is to one day have the telekinetic power to move the sun and moon all on my own!”
Loud Mouth stared at him, before bursting into peals of laughter. “That’s… really? Eh-heh… wow, you’ve got a long way to go!” Glyph got back on all fours, and turned back to Loud Mouth with a wide smile.
“Indeed I do! And even if it’s impossible, Guess what?” He leaned forward. “It’s still my dream!” With a laugh, he turned away, walking off into the night, leaving behind a chuckling mare to her own thoughts.
“So, you’re really leaving?”
“’Fraid so, Hard Hat. I’ve got the itchy hooves, and I just can’t sit still anymore.” Glyph Dance was standing in a small office, face to face with Hard Hat, his boss. The Earth Pony sighed, but gave the younger unicorn an encouraging smile.
“You’re a good worker, and a better pony. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for. And if you ever need a job, well, just stop on by, and we’ll find something for ya.”
“Thank you Hard Hat. It’s been a pleasure working with you,” Glyph said, giving his ex-boss a hoof-bump.
“Back at ya.”
Leaving the tiny building that served as the office complex, Glyph found himself taking a deep breath of the morning air. He’d given his leave notice to the Strobe Light, and now was free from the construction job. He’d paid several months’ rent on his tiny apartment in order to keep it under his name for a year, since he didn’t want carry all of his belongings around with him. Instead, Glyph had only a duffle bag filled with some basic necessities and bits, and of course, his tool belt around his waist.
Smiling to himself Glyph trotted out to the train station, ready to begin the next leg of his journey. He didn’t know what he would find, but he was certain it would be an adventure.
Elsewhere in the city, Loud Mouth was humming happily to herself, her mood noticeably better since before.
“So, did something happen last night?” One of her co-workers asked, sidling up next to her. “Meet a special pony out and about?”
“I did, actually. And he gave me something I hadn’t expected.”
“Oh?” her friend asked, raising an eyebrow suggestively.
“He gave me inspiration.” Smiling to herself at the memory of last night, Loud Mouth looked out a nearby window at Manehatten, briefly wondering what Glyph Dance was doing.
“I hope he has a good trip.” With a spring in her step, Loud Mouth trotted off, ready to face another day.
Loud Mouth vs. Glyph Dance - by Loud Mouth's Author
Loud Mouth could have sworn she saw blood on the daggers. They were scattered across the table, mixed in with the hammers and nails, as if they were just another construction tool. Hay, maybe they were just another tool. Loud Mouth certainly didn’t know anything about construction—she didn’t know much about anything that involved sweat, really. All she knew about was talking, and even that she didn’t consider herself very good at.
But there was just something about these daggers that looked very… stabby. Like at any moment a pony could snatch one up and plunge it into her chest. She would be a victim, a helpless damsel, just like in the radio dramas. And no one would hear her scream…
It took her a moment to realize that she was gripping her cup so tightly that the coffee was spilling out onto her wing. She flinched at the flash of pain and shook the dampness away, before taking a deep breath and walking to the doorway, headed off to deliver the coffee to the pony who had asked for it.
What was his name again? Loud asked herself, scrunching up her muzzle. Glitter, Glam…? Glyph? Glyph Dance, right!
The name sounded like something out of one of those Daring Do novels her niece was always reading. It was the kind of name an archaeologist would have. Is that why he carried around daggers with all of his construction tools? So he could fight off grave robbers? Why in the world would a radio station hire an archaeologist to build a new studio for them?
Maybe the station was built on a Buffalo Burial Ground or something. Loud shivered. Maybe that’s why my lunch keeps disappearing from the break room…
Keeping an eye out for strange markings on the walls, Loud Mouth rounded a corner which led her into a small plot of land that had been cordoned off with some rope. The noontime sun was harsh, spilling out across the makeshift construction site like a searchlight. Loud shaded her eyes with a wing and gazed out upon the clearing.
Glyph Dance stuck out like a black hole. The sun glimmered off of his deep blue fur, giving him the look of a giant rain drop. Actually, there was a good chance that “giant” was an understatement; from where she stood, a few yards away, Glyph looked nearly as tall as Princess Luna. Yet, despite his height, he was skinny and gangly, like a collection of sticks. Loud had never seen a horn so sharp. He stood at the other end of the clearing, staring down at some blueprints. His face was set in a solid frown.
Loud lifted her hoof to take a step forward, but stopped when she saw the belt wrapped around Glyph’s barrel—more daggers. Why? She stepped back and gulped. Don’t question it, Loud. You want to keep this job.
“Uh, excuse me?” Loud squeaked. Her voice was barely more than air.
Glyph sniffed and pushed the blueprint away, only to levitate another over.
Loud opened her mouth again, but her words died with another look at the daggers. Gripping the coffee cup again, she looked around at the various tools scattered along the ground. There were wrenches, hammers, nails… no knives or spears, luckily.
She took a deep breath and aimed her gaze at Glyph. Pointing her shaking hooves in the right direction, she walked forward.
A pale white light wrapped around Glyph’s horn. Loud only barely noticed as the same white light surrounded a socket wrench, right in front of her.
Loud Mouth yelped as the socket wrench leaped upwards, smacking into her muzzle. She dropped the coffee cup and stumbled backwards, pain roaring through her face. She threw both hooves to her snout and swore under her breath.
The light around the wrench disappeared, and it fell to the ground with a thud. Glyph Dance spun around, eyes going wide as he realized what he had just done. Barking a few choice words of his own, he galloped up to Loud Mouth and bent down to meet her gaze. Loud flinched as he pushed his face uncomfortably close to her own.
“Horseapples,” he muttered, ogling her wounded snout. His frown hadn’t softened at all. “Sorry about that. You alright, girl?”
Loud ogled him back, hooves pressed firmly into her nose. The sunlight glinted off of the daggers in his belt, shining in her eyes. “Uh, yeah!” she said, forcing a smile and shuffling a few paces back. “Fine, fine! It’s no problem! I’m perfectly okay.”
Glyph matched her steps. “You’re bleedin’.”
Loud lifted her hooves from her nose, only to choke on air as she realized her tan hooves were painted red. A thin trickle of blood ran from both nostrils, matting down the fur above her mouth.
She took a few long breaths. “Oh, hey. Look at that.”
“I thought I put a caution sign in the doorway,” Glyph said, eyes narrowing. “Can’t work with mares runnin’ every which way around the construction site!”
“I didn’t see it!” Loud babbled, throwing up her hooves defensively. “I swear, I didn’t! I’m sorr—”
“Aw, save it,” Glyph said, backing away. “It ain’t your fault. You didn’t do nothin’.”
Loud tried to respond, but her cheeks were set ablaze as she felt Glyph’s tingling magic wrap around her legs, her neck, her flanks. She could only squirm as Glyph hoisted her into the air.
“Let’s go,” he said, ignoring her flails. “We’re gettin’ you patched up.”
With Loud hanging in the air next to him, Glyph trotted out of the lot and back into the radio station. The two of them were silent as they made their trek, with Glyph keeping his gaze forward, and Loud doing what she could do avoid the sharp knives hanging from his belt, jingling just a few inches away from her still-vulnerable chest.
Glyph stepped into the storage room where he had been keeping the rest of his things and levitated Loud off of his back and into a nearby chair. The blood was coming faster now, and her fetlocks were soaked. He cast one last glance at her snout before heading over to a satchel that was laying on the table.
Loud fidgeted in her chair, trying and failing to keep her wings in place. “I’m sorry,” she said after a moment. “Really, I didn’t mean to—”
“What’s your name?” Glyph asked, rummaging through the sack.
“Um, Loud. Loud Mouth.”
Glyph snorted and shook his head, smiling for the first time since the two had met. “Next time you see ‘em, tell your folks I said ‘thanks for the laugh.’”
Loud frowned, but stayed silent, eyes cast to the ground.
“Aw, I’m just teasin’ you,” Glyph said. “Certainly not the worst name I’ve ever heard. Name’s Glyph Dance, by the way.”
“I know,” Loud said. Her ears went flat. “I was, uh, supposed to deliver you some coffee.”
“Were you? Weird. I don’t remember orderin’ anything.” Glyph pulled a long strip of white cloth out of the bag. “Here we go.”
“What are you doing?” Loud asked, craning her neck. “What is—”
Glyph whipped out one of his daggers, stabbing it high into the air.
You’re dead.
Loud’s wings flared open, nearly sending her tumbling off the chair. As Glyph spun around and walked toward her, dagger level with her throat, she tried to scoot away, but could only get so far before her chair clunked against the wall. She shrank into the seat, trying to escape, trying to save herself from the madpony about to slaughter her—
Glyph stopped a few paces away. With one quick motion, he used the dagger to slice through the cloth, cutting it into two equal parts.
He levitated one over to where Loud was cowering. “Clean yourself up.”
Loud hesitated for a moment before taking it. “Oh,” she stammered, staring at the towel. She dabbed at her bleeding nose. “Thanks.”
Glyph didn’t answer, but drew close to Loud once again, staring intently at her snout. Just as Loud was about to ask him what he was doing, he backed away again. “Your muzzle don’t look like it's broken or anythin',” he said. He smiled. “And trust me, I know my broken noses. Hoofed a few of ‘em out myself.”
Loud was frozen. “Uh-huh.”
“Here, lean forward and use your wing or somethin’ to pinch your snout. It’ll help stop the bleedin’,” Glyph explained. As Loud followed his instructions, he pulled up another chair and sat down in it, just across from Loud. “Keep doin’ that for a few minutes, and you’ll be fine.”
“Great.” Loud nodded. “Thanks again—”
“Oh, stop thankin’ me!” Glyph groaned, rolling his eyes. “I’m the one who whacked you, ain’t I?”
Loud rubbed the back of her neck. “Sorry.”
Her words faded quickly, leaving the room to flood with a thick, viscous silence. Loud could feel Glyph’s gaze boring into her face, drilling into her soul. She kept her eyes locked to the carpet, not daring to look up. Whenever Glyph breathed, his belt jingled, making Loud’s legs tense up. She closed her eyes and forced her breaths to steady—
“Y’know,” Glyph said, “for a mare named Loud Mouth, you ain’t very loud.”
“And you’re not an archaeologist,” Loud murmured, all steadiness lost.
“Excuse me?”
“Nothing,” Loud piped, waving her words away. “I get that a lot. I guess I was pretty crazy when I was a kid, but I quieted down as I got older. When your parents are both snowflake builders, you kinda have to be quiet, y’know?” She waited for a response, but Glyph just stared. “If you yell at a snowflake, it’ll crack.”
“Oh.” Glyph’s blank expression stayed static. “Too bad. You’ve got a nice voice.”
“Really? Uh, thanks.” Loud paused, cheeks heating once again. “I mean, I can still be loud when I want to be! I have to give speeches a lot for my job.”
“That sounds important,” Glyph said, his smirk returning. He leaned forward in his seat. “So what’s a pretty mare like you doin’ here, havin’ to run coffee to stallions that don’t even want ‘em?”
“I'm just an assistant,” Loud said, allowing herself a smile of her own. "They don't really look for 'pretty' in the radio business."
“Well, I said you had a nice voice, didn’t I? What’s the problem?”
“Because… that’s just the way it is, I guess.” Loud sighed. “Some ponies make it big and some don’t. No one really wants me on the radio, even if it is my special talent. I don’t know why.”
“What, you never asked ‘em?”
“Huh?” Loud frowned. “What do you mean?”
“You never asked ‘em what the problem was? Why you’re out here makin’ coffee runs when some nasally foal’s up at the mic screamin’ about pop music?” Glyph asked. When Loud shook her head, Glyph growled and stood up. “Well, why not? Why are you out here gettin’ whacked by wrenches, instead of on the radio?”
Loud flinched into her seat. “I, uh, um—”
“Say somethin’!” Glyph said. “You said talkin’ on the radio was your special talent; why can’t you talk now? Give me one of those speeches!”
“I haven’t asked because I don’t want to lose my job!” Loud sputtered. “This is the fourth radio station I’ve worked at this year, all because I keep messing things up. For the first time I’ve got a boss and co-workers that actually kinda like me. I’m not gonna risk that just because I want to talk more. Besides, it’s not like I’m even good at it—”
“Oh, that’s a load of horseapples. Bein’ on the radio is your special talent, right? So you’re better for the job than anypony!” Glyph jabbed at hoof at the doorway. “When I was comin’ in this morning, I got a look at the guy who runs the morning show here. His cutie mark is an hourglass. Yours is a microphone! How could he possibly be better than you?”
“I don’t know!” Loud said, looking away. “Even if I am better than him, it doesn’t matter. Nopony wants to hear me.”
“So you gotta make ‘em want to hear you.”
Loud lidded her eyes. “Uh-huh. And how should I do that?”
Glyph chuckled. “Your name is Loud Mouth, ain’t it? Be loud! Let everypony know what you want, and what you’re gonna do to get it. You gotta be strong! You gotta—”
“I get it, I get it,” Loud said, holding up a hoof to stop him. “Listen, Mr. Dance: those speeches I said I give? I hold motivational seminars at night. When it comes to pep talks, I’ve heard every line in the book.”
Glyph narrowed his eyes. “Oh, yeah? Well then, why don’t you hear this: I may not look it, but I’ve had ponies tellin’ me what I could and couldn’t do my entire life. When I was a kid, all my folks wanted was for me to become a lawyer just like them. So y’know what I did? I said screw that, and I went to go make my own destiny. Now, I’m usin’ my talents every day. Sure, I’ve still got goals, but I’m happier than I’ve ever been. You get that?”
Loud’s throat suddenly felt like a desert. She nodded. “Yeah?”
“Sure, you’ve got wings and I’ve got a horn, but we’re both ponies. We’ve both got talents, and we’ve both got a duty to use ‘em. That’s the way I see it.” Glyph smiled again and gave Loud a soft shove. “I like you, girl. You seem like a good pony, and that’s why I’m helpin’ you. But I ain’t got no respect for a pony that knows their special talent, but chooses not to use it. That’s just wrong.”
“Mhm.” That was all Loud could muster. There was a tightness in her chest, as if her lungs were being tied together. And yet, at the center of it all, there was a sort of warmth—a glint in the dark. She managed a smile. “That… makes a lot of sense.”
Glyph laughed. “Well, if a mare whose special talent is talkin’ says what I said made sense, it must be good, right?”
Loud giggled. “Yeah.”
It was at that point that she noticed the bleeding had stopped; in fact, it had probably stopped a while ago. She lifted the rag from her stained snout, which Glyph took in his magic and threw into a wastebasket nearby.
“I gotta get back to work buildin’ that new studio of yours,” Glyph said, jerking his head towards the door. “Hay, maybe someday you’ll be workin’ in that studio.”
“Thanks,” Loud said, hopping off of her chair. “For the talk, I mean. Not the maybe-broken nose.”
“It ain’t no problem.” Glyph picked up his satchel and moved to the door. “You go get yourself cleaned up. And remember: be loud! You gotta earn that weird name of yours.” He trotted out.
Loud watched him go. The heat in her chest had spread to her face, settling in for a comfortable warmth. She took a long breath and walked out of the room, headed back to her boss. As she went, her gaze passed over the daggers, which were still scattered out across the table—and yet, they didn’t make her feel a bit nervous.
LOUD MOUTH AUTHOR VOTE
Better written than it's opponent, and I rather liked the daggers being so prominent.
OBS IS TRAPPED IN A GLASS CAGE OF EMOTION
Loud Mouth's Author
Loud Mouth's Author
Glyph Dance's Author
Both were good, and I liked Loud Mouth overthinking the daggers, but I thought that Glyph's author left the story with more of a run-on into a sequel, and it would lead into another story for the two. Also, the Timeless Triangle was funny. Allegory for Time's Square?
vote: Loud Mouth's author
Glyph Dance's author wrote a story that was too paint-by-numbers for me, and I don't feel like the characters really spent any time together the same way I did with the story Loud Mouth's author wrote. I also think Glyph Dance's author skimped Loud Mouth's personality a bit. But I'm also not fond of how exaggerated Loud Mouth's author made the daggers. Otherwise, they were both really good, and this was tough to call. The deciding factor then is simply which one I enjoyed reading the most.
Loud Mouth's author
Definitely felt the story flowed better and saw a bit more of both their personalities interact. Good work, both tho.
Loud Mouth's Author vote
I find it interesting how similar the two of these were, in terms of basic plot. Also, I really liked this line from Glyph Dance's:
There's just something about that line that appealed to me.
Anyway, they were both decent, but Loud Mouth's gave the characters a bit more personality.
Loud Mouth's Author
But with one very big caveat. I almost voted against the story just for that "Hay, maybe they were just another tool." pun.
That was awful. Bad author! Bad!
All these people are saying that the second story was "better written."
What they are saying, Glyph, is that your descriptions are dry, your dialogue is flat, and... the exposition... I mean, look at this!
I just... cut this whole section. Just do it. Slash it from the draft. It's bad.
The dialogue might be more important, though. This is supposed to be about characters, and your dialogue is straightforward and clinical. They just say what they have to say, they don't have personality or flair to them. Look at how Applejack talks, or Fluttershy, or Rainbow Dash. They don't say anything without making it sound like THEY'RE the ones saying it. It's one of the best and most important ways to make your story and your characters breathe. Look at Loud Mouth in the second chapter, how she's all jumpy and whatever--that's how you make a character into a character.
Okay, I've been stuck here for a good bit now, not making much progress at all, continuously drifting off in my chair and startling myself awake again, and I think that's a sign that I'm officially too tired to keep going and need to go to sleep. I'll pick up here again later today when I wake up.
Loud Mouth's author
Loud Mouth's Author
I left the first story feeling distinctly bored. Nothing happened but the two of them impressing and inspiring each other. So I burst out laughing when the second story started like this:
Lol, going for the daggers. I read that in the bio (the first part of the bio, too) and groaned. My Gary Stu Stamp was ready.
Other than that, the first story was trying a little too hard to be fancy and pretty, and overshot into purple (which is something I've honestly never said before, and I'm a shortskirts fan). The second story, Loud Mouth's, wasn't too much better, but it was noticeably better. I don't expect her author to go very much farther, I'm sorry to say.
6018425 You're like the devil's advocate for all of these.
Loud Mouth's Author
Glyph
Pros: good descriptions, focused on the characters
Cons: A lot of the story seemed like a rehash of the character sheets
Loud Mouth
Pros: Good flow, distinct characters
Cons: The dialogue seemed to ramble at times
I enjoyed both of these stories. Loud Mouth gets the vote for better overall flow and characterization.
Loud Mouth's Author
Glyph Dance's author's entry is, in a word, stilted. Two relative strangers happen to meet up and give each other their life stories—in parts, it pretty much felt like I was reading right off the character sheets. Granted, showing Glyph practicing his levitation and showing Loud Mouth giving a motivational speech were demonstrations of the two characters' talents, but neither were any more than a single step out from what was on the sheets, and moreover, neither were particularly interesting to me. The things that Glyph does with levitation are difficult, I'm told, and the way that Loud Mouth delivers her clichés is somehow empowering, I'm told, but I feel a bit removed from it all. Kudos to the author for giving the characters roughly equal focus, but I just feel like he or she didn't use the material in any particularly creative or entertaining fashion.
Loud Mouth's entry was mostly a conversation, same as the other, but there you've got a pair of characters interacting rather than a pair of backstories. Much more enjoyable read. Plus, both characters—but especially Glyph Dance, with what I take to be his more stereotypical bouncer mannerisms—felt far more distinctive. Where the other entry was description, this entry was execution.
Loud Mouth's author
For reasons others have already stated.
Loud Mouth's Author
While my vote goes to Loud Mouth's author, I gotta give Glyph Dance's author an A for effort. There's a lot of heart in that story, and it holds a fable-like charm that I think could be great with a little spit and polish. As it is, though, Loud Mouth's author's story had a smoother flow to it, and the characters seemed to come off the page a bit more. Kudos, both authors.
Loud Mouth's Author
Glyph Dance
Kinda cute, A few minor mechanical issues. Everything felt like it happened through the character's dialogue, which is good. But Glyph Dance felt one-dimensional to me.
Loud Mouth's Author
Believably odd. Got an Ichabod Crane-type vibe from your characterization of Glyph, and the daggers were an odd detail. [I haven't read the bio sheets, so I don't know if they were mentioned there.] Overall, your story had better characterization, and it had the characters DOING STUFF.
Loud Mouth's Author
LOUD MOUTH’S AUTHOR
Follow Your Dreams
Liked: The setting. Manehattan really breathes in this piece.
Disliked: Stopping the narrative to dump things like how a character looks or their backstory. That happened far too often.
Loud Mouth vs. Glyph Dance
Liked: The writing is so smooth. Loud Mouth is a great character to be riding with!
Disliked: She’s heard every line in the book, yet she’s the one getting the pep talk.
Loud Mouth's Author
Bits of the first managed to paint some good atmosphere, but ultimately it doesn't quite manage everything the latter does: more interaction, tension, and characterization. The latter feels more complete, as though an actual arc has passed. That's what swings it for me, aside from the fact that the former misspelled "Manehattan" throughout its run. Sorry author, but that's a pet-peeve I cannot allow!
Loud Mouth's Author
The main reason I'm voting this way is that Glyph Dance's story felt kind of clunky at points, especially when it stopped the narrative to tell us how the ponies looked. That was really distracting and took me out of the story. I also didn't feel as much for the characters in the story as I did in Loud Mouth's story. I won't go as far as to call it a bad story, but the issues within it were far more noticeable than Loud Mouth's story.
Loud Mouth's story was a fun read. I find it interesting that Loud Mouth was the main character with the problem and that Glyph was the stranger who helped her overcome her fears. In a way, it sort of describes the authors of this competition's situation: Writing for their own character and having them meet an unfamiliar character. I don't know, that might be reaching a bit far, but still. This was a good story, and I'm voting for it this round.
Glyph Dance's Author
This one was really close. I think neither author really used the full potential of the characters, but Glyph Dance's Author's story did have some better development on both sides and a nicer ending, and I felt that the dagger thing in the second story didn't really go anywhere.
Loud Mouth's Author Vote
I felt that there was too much 'this is what they look like' going on in the first story.
Loud Mouth's Author
Huh... I just liked it more. The other story was a more on the amateur's side, which I do give a thumbs up to for good effort.
Loud Mouth's Author
Nothing new to add.
Loud Mouth's Author
The characters and their interactions flowed much more naturally in this one. It made the story read so much better.