You go to the fortune teller for advices, to know the future, somethimes just because you're bored.
But at the end, no one really believes them. Right?
I mean, to believe in something like cartomancy, you must really be someone not noteworthy.
Pardon me if the story is really short, but it's just an experiment to test how my writing does as it is my first story. If you have any advices to give do as you please, I'm open to tips.
(Also yeah, I know, the figures on the cards are Human, but I couldn't find any cards with ponies on them so just pretend I wasn't lazy at searching and I found the proper ones).
Chapters (2)
drew needs to be changed to drawn. It might also be helpful to change the name of the cat since the name Goofy is trademarked by Disney. Princess needs to be pluralized. the of between billion and deaths isn't necessary. That's really the only issues I see with this chapter. Good job!
This chapter is perfectly written! I don't see any flaws. Only thing I'd say is that it's a bit on the too long side.
Alright, in response to your request, I am here for a little review. Please do take all this in a constructive manner, as none of what follows is intended to cause offense.
Plot: It's a bit of a double-edged sword to tell the reader exactly what is going to happen, but I still found the journey kind of neat. There were a few inconsistencies here and there, and the relationship went a little too fast for my tastes.
Characters: Noteworthy is... alright. I don't really find anything about him other than he's struggling to pay his bills and, self-admittedly, a nopony. I would have liked to see that change, but other than a pension for swearing and being a bit clueless, I can't much about him. Roseluck, though, was a bit more entertaining. She was a bit silly and definitely had control of the romance from the get-go. I would have liked to see their relationship unfold more like an actual romance, and less like a teenage, hormonal rampage.
Flow: Like I said above, the actual romance happened a bit too fast. Apart from that, it wasn't terribly dragging or anything, but I didn't really feel like I got a full story by the end either. I didn't see much of a point or come away with anything more than a head-scratch.
Grammar and punctuation: Please look over your work carefully. This story was rampant with typos and punctuation errors to the point that it almost hurt. My best bit of advice would be to find an editor. There are plenty around Fimfic, and there are even groups that dedicate themselves to helping writers.
To summarize: This story could have some potential hiding beneath the errors and lacking characterization, but it needs to be cleaned and polished first.
Best regards, Dreams of Ponies
8398936
*Looks at the literally 337 words long chapter*
No just kidding, thanks for the review. Luv u.
8398950
Thanks for the review! To be honest I found the romance part a bit quick too after I re-red it, but it was supposed to be something that looked forced, like it was meant to be, just like the fortune teller predicted. As for why I told what was going to happen at the start, it was to later distract you with their romance and later hit you with the fact that the fortune teller WAS indeed right, although when Noteworthy is happy he is unable to see behind his temporary happiness.
As for the punctuation, I guess you're referring to the first chapter and the last part of the second chapter: I wrote them like that to define them from the happy, care-free romance section, and to give a sense of something different happening.
And now, off I go to correct grammar issues!
I like were it's heading will read the other chapter later on today. So far I like it... the ending went form zero to a hundred real fast.
8399303
Yeah that's exactly what I wanted to achieve
8399309
nice... my stories start at a 100 and never stop
8399398
Lol yeah that might work too
8399404
Aside from the grammar issues, the story pacing felt off. Nice attempt though