• Member Since 14th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Nameless Narrator


Reading order/list is on the profile page. Grab a book and don't mind me. I just mop the floors here, and put boards over the plot holes.

Sequels2

  • TCorrupted Lands
    Two centuries after Twilight Sparkle's ascension, the pony races are nearly gone. The ancient kingdom of Equestria cannot be traversed safely, and deadly beasts roam the land. Will ponies recover from this horror, or is the time of their rule over?
    Nameless Narrator · 123k words  ·  37  11 · 509 views
  • TShine Of The Silver Sun
    Necromancers and dark mages are rising all throughout Equestria. Some ponies aim to find out why and destroy the root of the new evil. For now, though, the important ones are those standing against the new darkness - The Order of the Silver Sun.
    Nameless Narrator · 148k words  ·  30  2 · 474 views
T

This story is a sequel to The Third Diary


Two decades ago the city of Cloudsdale passed over a growing town on the southwestern outskirts of Equestria called Wild Bastion. Several months later a newborn hippogriff appeared on the doorstep of a local orphanage. It wasn't dark and stormy night, the date wasn't a mythical number reoccuring once a millenium, and the little bundle of solitude was nopony special.

Discord, Nightmare, and Harmony, the three deities supposedly behind the creation of Equus are infinitely older but during recent years they learned to appreciate the value of mortals and understand their threat. Unfortunately for the gods, the secret they kept from everyone else is about to be revealed and old hatred and games will have to be forgotten.

Chapters (27)
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Comments ( 186 )

Hmm... a deadpan snarker with nowhere to go embarks on a journey to become part of the Royal Guard? Why do I feel like there should be a young, depressed unicorn in this role?

The dialogue was certainly on par with your previous works, though the prose in between feels slightly bland. At some points, the narration genuinely feels reminiscent of your previous, first-person fictions, in that the reader could tell how the protagonist saw the world and learn about the character through that perspective. This style never fails to keep me entertained and enticed for the next part.

Other times, it just seems as though the narration was never revised. The first chapter suffered heavily from a lack of articles and commas, which created confusion over the description of the other world. A couple of words were out of place in some sentences; sometimes I had to stop and piece together the sentence in my mind. None of these interruptions aid the immersion.

A few choice descriptions, metaphors, and the like could be tweaked as well. Maybe a little more attitude or character could be placed in those.

Regardless, I am invested in seeing where this story goes. Here's to the next chapter!

5959969 I'm playing with a rather different personality now, definitely a more brighter one. Perhaps I'm just too used to a dark, depressive one so I'm doing it wrong.

As for the narration mistakes, I'm trying to find someone to do some pre-preading but that's still in the works.

Thanks for the constructive criticism, I'll go through the chapters again. Perhaps I'll think of something.

I think I was more bothered by the fact that certain creatures could sense 'hostile divine power' in individuals than by the fact that someone could casually carry guns in the capital city. The latter provides for interesting social world-building (maybe Equestria is gun-happy like Switzerland), while the former just seems unfair. Some are born villains?

Good work on this chapter, regardless! The narration feels cleaner and provides more insight into our protagonist's mind and perspective. When I read Straw's description of Canterlot, I see a parallel to New York City in the eyes of an immigrant-- the cornerstone of a new world of opportunity. Class tensions, fantastic racism, and daily fights in the taverns!

I find it sort of difficult imagining chemistry between Straw and Fortune. I understand there was a time skip in between chapters, but nothing from their interactions in the chapter seemed to suggest what made them get along so well together. I do not suppose the whole relationship was built upon a common annoyance at Leo's racism, yet it cannot also built entirely on the fact that Fortune protected Straw. If there were more common interests or ideals that both possessed, then the relationship suggested by the story would be more plausible.

He would become a Royal Guard, he would visit Wild Bastion again, and he WOULD show the other orphans that they could make it if they tried hard enough. Anything was possible.

Now Straw here has a motivation that I can get behind! That quest is a simple goal, yet it means magnitudes for his character.

But suddenly, observers attack! Those creatures were rather nicely designed, existing in another dimension and appearing to those who knew of them. As for the italics coma section, that was some otherworldly writing-- remarkably far, far away from any of the narration seen in this story thus far! Everything from there just goes to chaos, and I found it worked rather well.

Also, I had no idea that was what Blazing Light becomes! I have been missing quite a lot of continuity, you see.

6096264 Next chapter might explain a bit about why Fortune hangs around Straw.

As for continuity - this story is supposed to be a standalone one (and understandable for anyone who hasn't read Blaze's storyline), but it is still set after The Third Diary and events that happened in other stories.

Thanks for the constructive input.

Onwards to this story!

...probably later though!

Alicorns with immense divine power were usually rather inept in matters of magic as the subtle manipulation of existence was too difficult while keeping the boiling mass of a much stronger power under control. Those alicorns were usually tied to some natural force or flow and no amount of knowledge about the workings of magic would allow them to use it effectively. Void was one of those. The others Scream knew about were the elemental alicorns of Wind and Fire, Zephyr and Celestia. The only exception was, of course, the new alicorn of Magic herself.

...what about the alicorn of time, or the ex-alicorn of magic?

"We got it all wrong."

...now I'm worried.

"Piece by piece we assemble what was broken. What would this piece be good for? No, don't get ahead of yourself. Having a pawn is enough for now. Time is running out."

Time is running out... time until what? The plot... thickens.

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Chronos sucks at magic and Magnus doesn't count.
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Now imagine how weird it would be if she said "We got it all right! Let's keep doing what we're doing." and went back to sleep.
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Celestia's plot THICCens.

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1. Okay

2. You know... something like that would actually be kind of funny

3. :facehoof:

Straw felt the presence inside his head shift uncomfortably. He tried something.

Wait... this is Nightmare, right..?

"Save your questions, pawn! And yes... I do. None of your concern though."

And yet it not only can't conceal its own thoughts... AND it is being half honest, with something it never really needed to?

...curiouser and curiouser.

The night progressed and a clear white orb brightened up the sky. Moonlight and torches lit the top floor of the castle as the duo walked onwards. A quick glance around made Straw take notice of a strange shimmer behind a clear window. It looked as if a long, see-through wine was hanging outside.

In the same way as the invisible wines there was something moving further down the hall. Dawn went on and on about some servant gossip without noticing it whatsoever. He had no choice but to follow her. Stopping here would mean acknowledging the presence slowly getting closer.

Trying not to imagine a strangled batpony hanging from the 'wines' outside, Straw mustered his self-control and simply answered:

...uh, wines? So... a thing made out "an alcoholic drink made from fermented grape juice." attacked him? ...what even are you talking about?

For a growing lad, the month was over in a blink of an eye, the signs of coming winter crept around, and the monthly recruit evaluation was just around the corner.

Wait... it wasn't winter already? Well, that's a first. Still, close...

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Well, until this point there hasn't been a story from a Nightmare's host PoV.
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I believe this is one of the FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! moments. Come to think of it, I think I made a really dumb v/w mistake recently too. Can't recall what it was.
And just for clarity - no, the enemies aren't eldrich alcohol bottles. Although that gives me an idea for a villain... something along the lines of "drunk Cthulhu"
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No, autumn was ending, winter was coming. (and with that overused reference, I'll se myself out)

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1. Well... that is if you discount Cromach, Mistake, and Blazing Light, but considering this is literally a god... you would expect it to be powerful enough to hide its own emotions... so either that was done on purpose, or Nightmare is weaker than I thought...

2. Volkswagen mistake? What? I looked through your stories and there is none with a V/W themed title... anyways I will likely catch it... I am pretty good at that kind of thing

-eldrich alcohol bottles... okay, I got a good laugh off of that. I just was imagining floating white wine rather than the bottles themselves... so, how drunk where you when you wrote that? Anyways, glad to know I could be of some creative assistance... maybe it could be the main badguy in the 'Royal guard fail to attack places' comedy story. I can just imagine the drunkenly slurred evil monologue..

3. Yeah, for the most part (with the exception of stories that are forced otherwise because else it would break what's canon (Management, for example.)) your stories start in winter... usually the beginning of winter. Which is why I decided to note how odd it was that such was not the case for once... the first time in this case.

Waiting for lunch back at the castle cantine, Straw was smiling like an idiot. It felt as if nothing could break his sunny disposition there and then...

...just wait...

...and nothing did.

...that's a surprise. (When it is surprising that nothing surprising has happened, you know you are probably in the wrong place... or are you, or me.)

"He might be okay with this but I'm not. The traitor must be stopped and this vessel provides adequate protection."

Protection? Protection from what? Questions... questions... one answered, three more growing out of the original's remains...

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9287394
Surpriiiiiise! Maybe one of the recaps could come in handy.

EVERYONE collapsed on the ground as their eardrums exploded with an extremely high-pitched screech. It stopped as quickly as it came but while most recovered in mere fifteen seconds or so from the feeling of their brain running through a wringer, the bronze alicorn kept squirming and thrashing in pain on the ground.

Everyone? Even Bucket?

"Yeeeah," the alicorn sighed tiredly, "I'm about as excited as you are. But hey, welcome to the Order of the Silver Sun, the place where we teach young mares and stallions how to fight hostile divine forces, and then send them off to die because not even we have any clue what we are doing."

...when something is funny and sad at the same time, you must be reading Imbalanced...

...now to puzzle over who the other three are...

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Welcome back. No.
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Most people solve it by not reading it.
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Or just keep reading.

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...yeah, I may be reading on and off for a while.

"So big..."

Is this another one of your sex jokes?

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Nah, that's just Straw being really shocked and excited.

Two, Three's... sister, if I use the term loosely, the most powerful dreamling right after their queen herself.

...what about One?

Nightmare and its shenanigans. Poor straw...

Invisible tentical monsters that hate being seen....

"fun"

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I wouuldn't call attempts to destroy all life "shenanigans" :derpytongue2:
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Double the tentacles, double the fun. :twilightsmile:

... i.... aw...wa....what....something so bad that discord isn't scared of it... he has given up without a fight... the god of chaos... has given up... i am both exited and terrified at what eldrich abomination is about to rear its ugly head and ruin everyone's day.

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Anyways, sorry about that... The holidays happened. Back.

9345042
Welcome back. Hope you had a relaxing break.

9348168
Yeah, sorry, fell asleep right after I wrote that. Now back to reading... for real this time.

Straw was very sad when the groups spread out on the large stretch of grass, mostly because he had literally no idea what was going to happen.

Uh... how are they going to devise a plan if they are all spread out?

Meet me on the training grounds an hour before dinner. Come fully armed.

...suspicious.

"No idea," Straw shrugged, "but I think I'm getting used to being run through a wringer. I mean, how much worse can the day get?"

"Worse than getting repeatedly set on fire? I doubt that."

...seriously? Everything's doomed to be dragged down the sewers already merely by being in one of Nameless's stories. Did you have to invoke Murphy's law on top of that!?

"Exactly," the alicorn nodded, "But when they all see how easily you fell when faced with divinity for the first time, they won't have any other option than to stop this nonsense. I will have to deal with gods myself, but at least I won't be sending any more foals to be tortured. Your lives... will serve the greater good."

...Blaze has gone off the deep end... no, the deep end is only a kiddie pool at this point. More like he skydived straight to the deepest trench in the middle of the Atlantic, completely naked save for the rope tying all his limbs together, while scream-singing out the crappy theme song of a kid's show from the eighties. So basically, just another regular day in Imbalanced.

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I think I meant a group away from the other group, dunno. Off to the rewrite bin or something. It's gonna be fun searching the comment if I ever decide to do that.
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:trixieshiftleft: :trixieshiftright: Dun dun duuun.
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I think this-
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-directly caused this. Plus, I think questioning Blaze's sanity is kinda kicking a dead and repeatedly resurrected horse.
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What, mentally scarring children forever? Pleeeeeease... it's not like they have a chance to survive anyway.

9349340

1. Meh.

2. Dun dun dun duuuuuuun

3+4. Watch. In some random alternate universe where he didn't say that, Blaze changes his mind last second, and just used his mighty alicorn powers to summon the pink one, which would bake them all a massive cake... of course, since this is an Imbalanced story, and something bad just has to happen, they would all end up with agonizing stomach cramps, terrible indigestion, explosive diarrhea, and abominable constipation all at the same time. Then, when they sleep for the day, they will all go in a diabetes coma the next morning, one which they, quite possibly, may never wake from.

5. And yet, I keep reading.

He was lying on the mansion lawn, green grass swaying slightly in the chilly winter air. He wasn't alone. Straw couldn't stop his tears. No, he wasn't alone. Leo was lying nearby, trembling in a pool of his waste and gasping for air as well. Connie was sitting a bit further, gurgling noises revealing she was throwing up, ignoring the brown pool she was sitting in. Quiet sobbing from behind him told Straw that Fortune, while catatonically hugging her legs, was also okay, at least physically. Only Walter was standing up, staring into nowhere and breathing heavily.

Whaaaaa-?

All the members of Hoof Of Fate, Straw chuckled at the silly name again, would have to work through the mess in their heads eventually, but at least they didn't have to do it while stinking like a hobo after a rough night.

I know it's just an off comment, but...

Why would Straw chuckle at the name... if it was only mentioned in the story's narration? Does this mean Straw is the narrator, and he is just narrating in third person? Hmm...

9349791
Come on, if nothing, Blaze does keep his promises, and he said he'd give Straw a chance.
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For a moment there, Straw was on the same wavelength as the narrator.
Hmmm, didn't think this would be a problem, but the observation does make sense in a way.

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