DJ here! Things are looking up for me right now... New car... new house... 4 new mouths to feed... And they're not human mouths either! Wait what? They come in white, purple, pink and dark blue and I can tell you that they're interesting characte
It's not very often that I find a story with grammatical errors like this that still has good and natural feeling dialogue. An editor or a second run through of this would make it fantastic. Please keep it up.
I beg of of you to continue this ,please the beginning is so amazing and i like to read the reactions from each of the princesses about humans and the technology,astronomy,and horror for Luna so please continue the story
I'm liking the premise, although there's one thing you should watch out for.
While you do want your description to give enough information about the story for folks to be interested, you don't want to give away too much. Stuff like how DJ feels about each mare and how they interact with him should be saved for the actual story and told through their words and actions.
Here's an example from one of my stories:
I never thought that this day would come; the day that my dad would finally find someone to be with after being alone for so long. Not only that, but the one that he found, the one that he's decided to spend the rest of his life with, was none other than Princess Celestia.
I do feel happy for Dad, really I do, but I still didn't like the idea of my father getting remarried.
The thing is, though... I have no idea why I feel this way.
See? I didn't say much, but you still get the gist of the story: a human is dealing with having Celestia as his stepmother, and feels really conflicted about it. Sure, I could've said a little more, but by withholding information I kinda tease potential readers into at least looking at the first chapter.
Just a little tidbit to keep in mind. You've got something that looks pretty good here. I'm interested to see where this goes.
Well I'm sold, I like the guy's more realistic approach with the ponies. He is kind to them, but doesn't let them walk over him, and he's not afraid to be strict when necessary. Especially when he scares them on what might happen if anyone sees them. After all, humans aren't famous for kindness towards whats different.
I'm enjoying this so far, and I look forward to the future hijinks. I do have one complaint, aside from some of the mistypes, and it goes thus:
I doubt it would be long before my government has you disected on a lab table..."
No scientist would vivisect a friendly and obviously sapient alien creature. Far more data can be gathered from live, cooperative subjects. Hell, extremely cooperative in Twilight's case. If you don't want to do a big First Contact story something like 'Lets wait until you're sure moving back and forth between our worlds is safe before telling anyone' is easier to swallow than, 'o noez evil scientists/government will get you!'.
Can't really find errors, and I really like the way you just did this in general. I really don't like this type of AU, but you executed this very well.
The window to my bedroom was WIDE OPEN! I don't fucking remember leaving it open! When do I ever open the Windows anyways? Now I bet my room is full of all kinds of Bullshit bugs, and birds and whatever else managed to crawl in there.
These two should be written small.
So I navigatted across my living room and turned the light back on. I was greeted by Tom.He stared at me indifferently, swishing his tail slightly.
You got a "t" too much in "navigated". And you are missing a space after the second sentence.
As silly as it it I feel like he understand me sometimes, something I think all pet owners relate too.
The second "it" should be an "is".
Nope its still there...
You are missing this line in "it´s".
It sat completely motionless, staring at me like a deer In headlights.
That should be written small.
No...
No no...
No no no..
You are missing the third dot at the end there.
"Yes! we believe that our action was completely nessecary Princess Cadance!"
Either make it "Yes! We..." or "Yes, we...".
"What....the...hell?" I exclaimed aloud. The 4 figures crowding around me paused. Then they started talking again.
Normally you write the numbers up to twelve out (You make this mistake more than ones, so I will just mark it from here on.).
"F.....f....fucking wings....you have fucking wings..." I sputter with horror. Celestia said nothing, as I started to get nervous. I'm being held captive by 4 talking unicorns and 3 of them have wings! Wouldn't you be a LITTLE scared???
"Wait..." Celestia said calmly. I stood there ready until there was a flash of pain in my head. I wincd and moved a hand to rub my forehead.
You are missing an "e" in "winced".
Welp ... Killed by a talking winged unicorn princess.... Thats a shity way to go in my book..
Missing the third dot at the end again.
"Yeah....I...I'm good....j...just freaking out a little.... About magical talking horses.. " I stutter as I sit there rocking back and fourth. "Oh god they really talk...' I say with a shiver. The horses looked at each other sadly and started talking among themselves.
When he finishes talking there is that weird line, that should be a quotation mark.
"Yes...let us leave the pathetic thing behind sister.." Luna said with a laugh.
Missing the third dot again.
"Oh my god..." I whisper, then I rushed to my door and opened it. Sure enough, it was just as I feared. The 4 of them were at my neighbors house, knocking on his fucking door!
"Holy shit that was close.." I muttered as I wiped sweat off my forhead. The horses were all staring at me in confusion as I tried to catch my breath. I took a deep breath and turned to the girls.
The third dot is missing again.
"Yes I'm a human... But seriously don't"
There fails to be any sort of character at the end there.
"OH WOW! I've read about humans before in history books but I never thought they were REAL! I have so many questions! How com you stand on two leg-"
That should be written small. Also you forgot to put a space behind the sixth sentence.
"Ok...then...she's your student, got it...." I say raising my arms in a Innocent gesture. "Wait did you say your teaching her about the magic of friendship?" I repeat with a flat brow.
You put four dots there... don´t know if that´s right or not just wanted to point it out. Also that "Innocent" should be written small.
"Yes! She reports to me daily about what she learned about friendship, via letters sent by her baby dragon assistant spike! Her and the other elements of harmony..."
Names are written big.
"Uh auntie? I think I'd spare the details if I were you..." Cadence whispered as she gestured to my Goldfish like stare.
I think that should be written small. Again not sure.
We all laughed except for twilight who fell to the floor coughing.
Names are still written big.
"Don't you have somepony to raise the SUN and moon here?" Twilight asked, looking puzzled.
"Hell no! And one of you raises the SUN?" I exclaim.
Why is sun in both of these sentences written capitalized?
"Uh...yeah...um they're interesting and stuff but...like what exactly am I supposed to..." I trailed off. Then all 4 of them turned their heads and deadpanned, making my face even redder.
"Oh...OH! I see now! You have tattoos..." I say with a nervous smile. Then I started to narrow my eyes. They all have 2 perfectly matching images on each cheek...
Before I could think of a way to make the situation less awkward, Twilight yawned and started to look sleepy. Then the Yawn spread to Cadence and Celestia.
Unless this is some kind of name this should be written small.
"We shall claim the first room.." Luna said as she walked inside and looked around, then the door glowed blue and closed. Damn... She didn't even say goodnight...sheesh...
The third dot is missing again after she finishes talking.
"Its fine...." She says with a giggle.
Four dots again. Still not sure if that is correct.
"I have to change my shirt real quick... Gimme a second." I say as I grab a tank top out of one of my drawers. I took off my collared shirt and replace it with the tanktop. Celestia gives me a look a can't read.
That "a" there should be an "I".
"Entertain you? What the hell do you want me to do? Jump down the stairs? Take a dump? Masterbate?" I demand. Luna starts to snicker and I facepalm.
Not sure if this is intentional or not, but correct it should be "Masturbate". Also haha yes that is what you do to entertain the princess of the night.
"Who is thou speaking to?" She asked. I didn't answer because my Tv sparked to life making Luna gasp.
I haven´t seen someone write "TV" like that, so I´m not sure if it´s correct or not. But I point it out anyway.
"Its a video game. Basically I control it with this.." I said gesturing to the controller. She leaned forward and sniffed it, much to my amusement.
There misses the third dot at the end of the spoken sentence.
So I have 4 magical talking ponies living in my house. Maybe it won't be too bad... If I can get over the magic...and the talking... And the wing- nevermind. We'll just see how tomorrow goes I guess... I have a feeling it will be disastrous but hey... I signed up for it.
Also the Twilight is a deer part got me. She almost has enough horns for one at least.
6158433 So far, this seems like a better, no as all-over-the-place version of Winter's Blessing. Grammar's good, things seem to flow better, and you didn't have at least one of the pony characters try to practically jump DJ's bones in the first chapter for no reason. My only complaint is that Luna seems to have pulled a 180, going from hating DJ to liking him in just a handful of hours.
Now this is how I think a real human would act about magical talking horses showing up at their house! Finally a realistic reaction! Kudos my friend kudos
technology is not new in mlp we fleeces in hospitals, shows djpon3, game arcade where we see the button mash for the first time but maybe you want your story will be brought more to the old side I liked the way you regard this story, I see more other
I picked this off the front page on a whim today. However, I have to say that the gigantic number of grammatical errors, the poor sentence choice and ridiculously fast pacing has kept me from being able to read any further than halfway through this chapter. Let me give you an example
He's an irritating black fur ball, that drives me up the wall sometimes, but I still manage to love him somehow. Despite this, I still feel somewhat empty....like something is missing in my life. Maybe I'll figure it out one day but for now I have more important things to worry about. When I pulled into my driveway I noticed something strange.
When were you in your car? Where were you coming from? We were talking about your cat, then your loneliness and now you're pulling in the driveway. There's no buildup, just, suddenly driveway. You didn't even space them out with a new line - that's all in one paragraph. I realize there's something to be said about the style you're writing in (that is, first person protagonist), so I'm not expecting you to necessarily have introspective thoughts occurring in your paragraphs. This is being told as it happens, not looking back on it from somewhere in the future. But the tense keeps changing in your sentences:
"What the hell is going on???" I demand to no one in particular. Then one of the unicorn things stepped forward.
Stick with a tense. It's one thing if you're talking about stuff that happened previously, like your very first paragraph. Those things happened before the current moment. but if you want this to be "written as it's happening" then use present tense. or use past tense verbs. but stay in one of them. I also find that DJ's character kind of jumps around. Or at least, his emotions do.
I pulled and struggled with it, only getting more scared with every failed attempt.
I repeat slightly, this is the weirdest shit I've ever seen in my entire life.
I flashed the best freindly smile I could and she blushed.
These occur so close together while reading that I have no sense of any actual time passing. If you were trying to convey that you had multiple emotions running at the same time, there are much better ways to do it. You are scared. Sure, ok, I got that from you saying you were shivering but I guess you can just say it too. But then, now you're just weirded out? Wouldn't that be a part of the fear something so unknown that it causes you to physically react? You don't need to say it. And then, finally, now you're flashing a smile at one of them? (also, schmoozing Hot Pink is super cliche but w/e) Why? Why are you smiling at all!? If you're scared enough to be smiling, wouldn't it stay stuck on your face regardless of which pony you were being introduced to?
You need an editor. Or two. I could keep going on about this but I have homework I'm putting off. I will attempt to keep reading because I"m curious how this made it onto the feature box.
EDIT: Okay, that dialogue with Luna at the end was pretty good.
I already am sold on this XD
You keep up with the amazing work on both stories brah XD
This story looks interesting.
This is AWSOME please keep going!!!!!
It's not very often that I find a story with grammatical errors like this that still has good and natural feeling dialogue. An editor or a second run through of this would make it fantastic. Please keep it up.
Great work
Why do I have a feeling theres gonna be gamer Luna in this fic eventually
this gonna be good!
I beg of of you to continue this ,please the beginning is so amazing and i like to read the reactions from each of the princesses about humans and the technology,astronomy,and horror for Luna so please continue the story
5872268 because thats my headcannon
I'm liking the premise, although there's one thing you should watch out for.
While you do want your description to give enough information about the story for folks to be interested, you don't want to give away too much. Stuff like how DJ feels about each mare and how they interact with him should be saved for the actual story and told through their words and actions.
Here's an example from one of my stories:
See? I didn't say much, but you still get the gist of the story: a human is dealing with having Celestia as his stepmother, and feels really conflicted about it. Sure, I could've said a little more, but by withholding information I kinda tease potential readers into at least looking at the first chapter.
Just a little tidbit to keep in mind. You've got something that looks pretty good here. I'm interested to see where this goes.
Awesome start. Hope he stays human in this one.
Luna: 'HUZZAH!! The human has games'
aaaaand I'm hooked on this story already
Well I'm sold, I like the guy's more realistic approach with the ponies. He is kind to them, but doesn't let them walk over him, and he's not afraid to be strict when necessary. Especially when he scares them on what might happen if anyone sees them. After all, humans aren't famous for kindness towards whats different.
5874134 yep!
5873971 indeed... I catch your drift I think I'll revise it.(or just cut off the part where he talks about them all)
and so it begun
This looks like a good story, nice start! :D
Good start so far.
I'm enjoying this so far, and I look forward to the future hijinks. I do have one complaint, aside from some of the mistypes, and it goes thus:
No scientist would vivisect a friendly and obviously sapient alien creature. Far more data can be gathered from live, cooperative subjects. Hell, extremely cooperative in Twilight's case. If you don't want to do a big First Contact story something like 'Lets wait until you're sure moving back and forth between our worlds is safe before telling anyone' is easier to swallow than, 'o noez evil scientists/government will get you!'.
You desperately need an editor. That's about all I can say at this point.
The premise is obviously funny, but again, get an editor. If you absolutely can't find one, I'm available.
Are shinning and cadence not married in this fic or does cadence just like flirting
6156481 do you guys even read author's notes?
They never hooked up
6158433 sorry about that skimmed it to get to the next chapter
Love this story
Enjoying it so far, but you may want to get a proofreader. I'm noticing a bunch of spelling errors like devore instead of devour, com / can, etc.
Huh? Dude seriously, you need a proof reader. I'm seeing a bunch of little errors like that all through this. Spellcheck only helps so much.
Can't really find errors, and I really like the way you just did this in general. I really don't like this type of AU, but you executed this very well.
Names are written big.
These two should be written small.
You got a "t" too much in "navigated".
And you are missing a space after the second sentence.
The second "it" should be an "is".
You are missing this line in "it´s".
That should be written small.
You are missing the third dot at the end there.
Either make it "Yes! We..." or "Yes, we...".
Normally you write the numbers up to twelve out (You make this mistake more than ones, so I will just mark it from here on.).
You are missing an "e" in "winced".
Missing the third dot at the end again.
When he finishes talking there is that weird line, that should be a quotation mark.
Missing the third dot again.
The third dot is missing again.
There fails to be any sort of character at the end there.
There is no "e" in that "come".
That should be written small.
Also you forgot to put a space behind the sixth sentence.
You put four dots there... don´t know if that´s right or not just wanted to point it out.
Also that "Innocent" should be written small.
Names are written big.
I think that should be written small. Again not sure.
Names are still written big.
Why is sun in both of these sentences written capitalized?
Unless this is some kind of name this should be written small.
The third dot is missing again after she finishes talking.
Four dots again. Still not sure if that is correct.
That "a" there should be an "I".
Not sure if this is intentional or not, but correct it should be "Masturbate".
Also haha yes that is what you do to entertain the princess of the night.
I haven´t seen someone write "TV" like that, so I´m not sure if it´s correct or not. But I point it out anyway.
There misses the third dot at the end of the spoken sentence.
Also the Twilight is a deer part got me. She almost has enough horns for one at least.
6158433
So far, this seems like a better, no as all-over-the-place version of Winter's Blessing. Grammar's good, things seem to flow better, and you didn't have at least one of the pony characters try to practically jump DJ's bones in the first chapter for no reason. My only complaint is that Luna seems to have pulled a 180, going from hating DJ to liking him in just a handful of hours.
Looking forward to reading more.
is this the DJ from Total Drama Island and such?
6247687 I have that in my library.
Now this is how I think a real human would act about magical talking horses showing up at their house! Finally a realistic reaction! Kudos my friend kudos
"Meow"
"Fuck you..."
This broke me and im not sure why. Congratulations sir you can have my favourite, upwards thumb and a follow.
This is a awesome and funny story so far ,I love it .I can't wait to see whats next.
Well let's see how long that's gonna last.
OK this is funny and I like it. I will read all what you made and wait for more and will look in the other story of DJ you talk about.
Fire your editor.
6487264
Luna's speech was what bugged me, some parts were missing, but it wasn't story breaking, I still enjoyed it. Good job.
Titanfall ftw but FCK the noob Who use the start pistol mk5 that sucks
Okay, really sorry for this, but I see this same damn mistake literally everywhere. It annoys me so much.
"Its still not defiant that they would do something like that"
The word is not defiant it is DEFINITE
6708350
Ikr, a lot of grammatical errors, but other than that it holds up.
Titan fall! This story is already interesting and then you throw that at me. You have earned a tracking.
And on that day, Gamer Luna was born and millions of fans let out a squee.
technology is not new in mlp we fleeces in hospitals, shows djpon3, game arcade where we see the button mash for the first time
but maybe you want your story will be brought more to the old side I liked the way you regard this story, I see more other
I picked this off the front page on a whim today. However, I have to say that the gigantic number of grammatical errors, the poor sentence choice and ridiculously fast pacing has kept me from being able to read any further than halfway through this chapter. Let me give you an example
When were you in your car? Where were you coming from? We were talking about your cat, then your loneliness and now you're pulling in the driveway. There's no buildup, just, suddenly driveway. You didn't even space them out with a new line - that's all in one paragraph. I realize there's something to be said about the style you're writing in (that is, first person protagonist), so I'm not expecting you to necessarily have introspective thoughts occurring in your paragraphs. This is being told as it happens, not looking back on it from somewhere in the future. But the tense keeps changing in your sentences:
Stick with a tense. It's one thing if you're talking about stuff that happened previously, like your very first paragraph. Those things happened before the current moment. but if you want this to be "written as it's happening" then use present tense. or use past tense verbs. but stay in one of them. I also find that DJ's character kind of jumps around. Or at least, his emotions do.
These occur so close together while reading that I have no sense of any actual time passing. If you were trying to convey that you had multiple emotions running at the same time, there are much better ways to do it. You are scared. Sure, ok, I got that from you saying you were shivering but I guess you can just say it too. But then, now you're just weirded out? Wouldn't that be a part of the fear something so unknown that it causes you to physically react? You don't need to say it. And then, finally, now you're flashing a smile at one of them? (also, schmoozing Hot Pink is super cliche but w/e) Why? Why are you smiling at all!? If you're scared enough to be smiling, wouldn't it stay stuck on your face regardless of which pony you were being introduced to?
You need an editor. Or two. I could keep going on about this but I have homework I'm putting off. I will attempt to keep reading because I"m curious how this made it onto the feature box.
EDIT: Okay, that dialogue with Luna at the end was pretty good.
https://tenor.co/zdQ6.gif
Wow amazing first chapter but why is celestia's mane and tail pink?
8227578
Because she's not at full power.
I generally don't read M-rated fics, but this one is OK so far.