• Member Since 25th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 5th, 2018

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Virginibus puerisque canto. - Horace | O tempora, o mores! - Cicero | Ex Africa semper aliquid novi. - Pliny The Elder

T

In a mysterious mirror-image of Equestria, a land of Gods and Demons, of Titans and magic-wielders, the prophecies of times long past have awoken.

On that day, the Goddess displayed her power and majesty; all lost some, but some lost all in that fateful moment.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 6 )

I'm going to explain something to you. I've been avoiding all sorts of Attack on Titan references, pictures, videos, fanfic for the last two years. I have never watched the show. I don't know any of the characters. I don't know anything beyond the climbing and YEON Jagger Ve SiERRa that popped up a couple of months ago. The more hyped the thing is, the more I avoid to keep from being influenced by my own hype.

And you tricked me into reading a Attack on Titan fanfic.

I don't even care that it has pony characters, it has Attack on Titan on it, in it, drowning in it. Do you know how that feels to start reading something and finding Attack on Titan in it. I feel like I too learned of divinity this day.

And I like it.

Yo, this needs a crossover tag. Also, presumably either an anthro or human tag, or you need to rewrite this so it's about ponies rather than people.

5779615

Done, thanks!


5779361

I am glad that my tale entertained, held your interest long enough for you to ferment a passing interest in the events unfolding within.

I strove to create a palatable Attack On Titan crossover that was JUST different enough to surprise people into reading it. You may notice other changes. I am very happy that you like it and appreciate you taking the time to read it.

GAME: Try to spot all the OC cameos. There's a big one in this chapter! And another, but more cleverly hidden.

A few small notes:

Ranks in the Victorious Sun chapel go like this:

Anchoress => Metanchoress => Archanchoress => Matriarch => Matriarch Prime

Now go forth and make some OCs.

But religion is bad.

Well, this was different. I'm going to break my "no proofreading" rule here because the prose style is pretty key to the story. I haven't made any attempt to be thorough, but I found a sparse few things and I've specifically noted them at the end.

I don't know anything about Attack on Titan. So I don't know how much exactly you've cribbed, whether characters, plot points, setting details, or what.

I like the town and you really made it come alive. The only confusing point is that, if I remember what you wrote correctly, the town gates are on the north and south side yet the river also cuts the town in half from north to south.

This was very well paced. I felt no dragging or rushing; everything was smooth. I like all of the characters. The attack felt suitably "weighty", if you know what I mean—substantial, consequential, game-changing, all those synonyms. It wasn't just a "yeah, whatever" moment.

The thing that stood out the most to me was your style of description. It was almost studiously objective—very few value-laden descriptors, which is a very good thing and takes a large measure of discipline. I liked it a lot. I got clear mental pictures with emotional content without being told by the author what I am supposed to feel.

The thing is, I think I perceive that you may have been trying for even more with your prose. At times it strains, like it's yearning to break out into song and dance, but it never quite does. As if it wants to be beautiful, but restrains itself and settles for clarity. It was actually pretty fascinating to me to watch.

Of course, it's more than a little presumptuous of me to start making assumptions about your intentions or your level of skill based on what you've written here almost two years ago. But if you are trying to get beyond craftsmanlike clarity and conciseness and begin making an approach the to realm of the beautiful, I know of at least three tools that are at least somewhat useful for that purpose.

The first and easiest, though still not very easy, of these tools is personification. Now this is not for every application. But when you describe something inanimate in a way that implies that it's alive—and assuming you manage to avoid cliche, which is tough to do—it can create an "enchanted" and even childlike atmosphere. You get a sense of "mystical" or "spiritual" magic permeating the world, the kind that has moral or metaphysical content and isn't just rebranded science. This very often creates a sense of awe and adds to the feeling of moral weight.

I'm gonna use one of my own stories for an example here, like a total jackass. But this line (bolded) from the end of Princess Pinkie is probably the best use of personification I've ever managed:

And yet, it was not quite alone, for there was another laughter, louder than the first.

It rang malevolent up from beneath the ground, and shook the jungles that had overtaken the surface of the planet, and frightened the birds into their nests and the beasts into their caves.

The stars cried and hid their faces, and the sun covered his head in ash, and the waters put on their mourning black, and the wind kept silent for shame.

The laughter rang out across the universe, clear as a church bell, straight from the lowest circle of Hell.

That particular story ends in horror. But when I'm writing show-style, I also like to go full tilt with personification to try to recreate the mystical import that FiM often has to a new viewer. In a past life I was told I brought someone highly intelligent and respectable to tears with this technique, so I assume it's a good one.

On the other hand, this use of personification from "gotta save women" falls very flat, to my ear:

He had wings, too, wings that sliced the air with a sharp hooking motion so malevolent that I could hear the sky cry out in pain.

So it's a gamble that doesn't always pay.

The second tool is metaphor. Now metaphor is very difficult to get right, and when it goes wrong, it goes wrong big-time. There is no such thing as an "okay" metaphor. You have to develop that sixth sense, where you find a phrase that's never been used before, but it sends chills up your spine because you intuitively know that it's just perfect.

I've only gotten it right once myself, with this line:

a tree whose branches looked like muscular human arms trying to seize the sky

*crickets*

...well, it was good in context, anyway.

But if you can't find a really good metaphor, it's much better to just not use one at all. So it's really tricky.

The third technique is to, ah, sort of tie the details of a setting together into a sort of miniature narrative that takes on a life of its own. I can't really explain what I mean here very well, because I'm not good enough to use this technique myself, but I know who did it better than anyone: Ralph Ellison in Invisible Man.

...Okay, there, I think I've made my wordcount. Now I can stop pontificating about my own ideas while pretending to review your story. What can I say? You gave me nothing to complain about this time.

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Low-effort proofreading notes

Twilight Sparkle sniffled and rubbed her nose with the back of her hand.

Everything before this line is in present tense. Here is where you shift into past tense. Normally this breaks a pretty big writing rule—not sure if you did it on accident or on purpose.

A heavily laden wagon, its oxen lowing and bellowing as their driver laid the whip on their backs, wheels grinding fitfully, squeaking, rumbling, prompting Night Light to draw Twilight Sparkle a little closer to him.

incomplete sentence

The woman was wearing a orange bodysuit

an orange

the burning hurts permanently

"hurts" sounds weird in this context, it's too pedestrian a word

Twilight Sparkle shivered, looked up at her father, who barely seemed to have heard the whole exchange, and was, instead, mildly discussing dinner with her mother.

this is a comma splice—Twilight doesn't do anything after "looked up at her father"

Twilight Sparkle tugged on her father’s sleeve. “Daddy, what’s that woman talking about?”
“Eh? What woman, dearest?”

paragraphing fail

gaily painted

you used this twice in a short space

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The Cringe Review

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