Rawlings, a WWI fighter pilot crashes while in a dogfight and emerges from the wreckage in a strange new land. PLEASE REVIEW!!
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zombiesurvivor123
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eep! Not Applejack!
Hmm... Interesting start.
I feel like the narrative moved a little quicker than it should have-- I would have liked a bit more setting of the scene, especially the last two paragraphs. There's enough content in there to spin out at least half a dozen more paragraphs. Even if you brush by the dogfight (which could have been pretty exciting if fleshed out), the crash and what follows could have provided some good characterization for Rawlings. Plus, the slower pace would have allowed you more time to build the atmosphere of the scene although I'm sure you wanted to get the plot moving along in short order.
Oh, and a few anachronisms-- one, calling it "World War 1" during the first world war is anachronistic. I realize the narrator is the one saying it, but in the paragraph the narration appears to be coming from Rawlings' thoughts, so it's something to consider. Two, if Rawlings is serving with the Escadrille de Lafayette, he'd likely have access to a French Pistole Revolveur Modele 1892 rather than an American 1911. I may be wrong on that last one, but the RM 1892 was the standard French pistol through the Great War and he is in a French military unit.
Damn dude a shot on the shoulder with a .45, thats some serious shit. Big Mac is gonna make him pay for that one.
Shits going down.
The scene forthe plane crash could have been longer, but still good
Just try to make the chapters a little longer and it will be perfect
28524 I do fully agree. Don't rush it, you have plenty of time! I actually enjoyed first 2 chapters, the 3rd one was way too fast for me. C'mon - do you really think any soldier would risk a confrontation with potentially dangerous critters after firing at one of them? Maybe if he overheard their conversation though...
Heres some WW1 Language for you.
http://www.wakefieldfhs.org.uk/War%20Slang.htm
If you want to keep the soldier a little historically accurate then maybe WW1 slang might help.
Edits have definitely improved this chapter. You're doing a good job.
Also I love that Rawlings is so ballsy as to threaten a presumed German Soldier on the German side of the lines when he's matching a pistol to the hun's rifle.
30523
Hurr
Bueno.
YEAH GO HUMANS!
Im sorry but i hate it when ponies think they are better than humans, we are the ones with guns :P and tanks, and UAV radar, and jets that fire random shit at our enemies. Ponies have magic, elements of harmony, wings, and no guns.
33563
GUNGUNGUNGUN
Eh
Seems a tad too quickly written like my fail of a latest chapter, I'd suggest looking through it to compare.
BUT a nice premise non the less.
PS, your version of RD seems a bit too patriotic.
33627
Yeah, I did that on purpose, that way it could instigate a fight.
Do you mind if I give you a few pointers? I'm in no way a professional writer (though I hope to be one), but any help is good right?
Separating parts of the conversations is good to keep away confusion. So like:
Hello, I said.
Hey, she said.
Also, don't get into a rush. You don't have to update whenever we tell you to. If writing a good story means taking longer to get it out, then take the time. I'm trying to flesh out and take my time on a fic I'm writing, and still people are telling me it's fast paced. Just write to your own constraints.
“I'll have you know, the princess deserves more respect. She's the one who brings day and night after all.”
"She's the one who brings day and night after all.”
“She's the one who brings day AND night after all.”
AREN'T YOU FORGETING SOMEPONY?!
34363
What's that supposed to mean?
he needs to give rainbow dash his gun from his aircraft that would be epic!!!
he needs to give rainbow dash his gun from his aircraft that would be epic!!!
34363 wheres goku?
At least he didn't shoot Fluttershy.
33525 AC-130
37244
how would he get a gun from his airplane when it crashed and burned up?
Don't listen to them just make his plane do a sonic plane boom
>> snailymonkey (guest) don't tempt fate
why is twilight there is this is BEFORE the nightmare moon incedent?
That makes no sense whatsoever, other than that good story 
Pinkie:
Yeah, I felt the same.
ALLONS-Y!
58383 Do you always say that
58699 I try to, yes. It's French for Let's Go.
Okay, a little less tell, a little more show. It's important to establish setting and such, yes, but it's equally important to establish it naturally, with a bit more, eh, polish.
A little more polish overall would be good, actually. It's a good idea, mind you, but the grammar and structure leave something to be desired.
HOLY SHIT
but looking forward to more, just (i sound like everyone else here I know but) you should try to stretch these things out longer
so quite late, as i have recently discovered this site, but is there more to come?
404874
sorry, more might not come for a while. I'm writing a story not related to mlp fim right now, and it may be a while before I can update. Sorry.
I was reading this before I had an account... Finished it in 2 days... Then I was waiting for a new chapter... That was 7 MONTHS AGO!!! I WANT MOAR!!!!
Fokker Dr.I was the only German triplane in mass production during WWI. First flight was in 1917 so there would be no triplane for him to dogfight with in 1916.
.....wow...I really am just such a geek arn't I...
...*sigh*...
....never mind.
How can I review a story that has NOT BEEN UPDATED IN 5 FRIKIN' YEARS?!