Spike, choice to tell Rarity all the truth about his crush for her, but instead of a Winning perspective, all went wrong.
Cover of tears, he can't see who was in his path, and in the end of this run, Fluttershy.
Some acts become more than a simple encounter and transform into feelings, that Spike never find it in Fluttershy before and then, Rarity, feels something isn't going very well, because, she needs him now than before, the same feelings that Spike feel with Fluttershy and she too.
But what is wrong here?
Chapters (3)
For some reason, i had a feeling i seen this before
561296
Maybe because I'm writing a story with the same premise.
I recommend finding a pre reader because of the many tense conflicts and grammatical errors. There are many on this site who are more than willing to help.
I also recommend serious revision. I know it may make me look like a (CITATION NEEDED), but it should be made more grammerically correct.
This story looks like it has plenty of promise, and the setting sounds great. ...However, the grammar could use work.
I am interested in helping out with proofreading if you need. Send me a PM if you would like my assistance. I'd be happy to help.
Will continue to read.... as long the the grammer gets better.
Good, still I agree with the others, you REALLY should sharpen your grammar.Oh, and make sure to add more detail. I felt like Spike was walking in fog (with lag).
Some Grammer issues
I really do like this idea, please keep going
I wish flutterspike was more common
What is wrong here is your grammar and I'm not entirely sure if Spike gets shoot down by Rarity and then Fluttershy comforts him. Or if something happens before he tells her, like Fluttershy admits to have feelings for Spike but then Rarity wants to admit her feelings and it all ends in a happy 3 way (okay nothing ever seem to end in a happy 3 way no matter how much I want it to). So I'm gonna read it and hope I can understand whats going on better but your summary needs cleaned up.
I can't wait for the next chapter! Keep up the great work! ( except, as everyone is saying, grammar issues.)
Two paragraphs in and already I must say: PROOF READ! The phrasing is sloppy and awkward. It's like you're not even trying.
Okay, I've read some bad stories before, but this reads like it was written in a foreign language and translated using Babelfish!
It was, wasn't it?
good writing but as many have said before you need some help with tenses and at some points gramar. If i could tell it was wrong it must have been something bad. Cant wait to see the rest though.
Good chapter like the last part said, the true love is always in front of our eyes so that mean that fluttershy is the one pony that spike should love. update please: cool I'm first to comment
What in the hell is wrong with the structure of the sentences?.
Sequel
wait...your summary....it hurts to read...
EVERYTHING! I cant even understand it! If i had to guess, Fluttershy like Spike, but Spike likes Rarity. Spike gets rejected and starts to fall for Fluttershy, but Rarity realizes her feelings.
If this is the premise, then I'm interested....however... I WILL NOT READ UNLESS YOU GET AN EDITOR! Please, and thank you.
You said you fixed a couple of errors but there are still errors in the story... many errors. Also, where did the rock come from?
This story has overwhelmingly good potential but the way its written remindes me more of a comic book then an actual book or story and your sentence structure is all over the place. As such i would like to ask you if i could become your editor in the condition that you also check out my story "when dreams cross dreams". Seriously this story needs a complete rewriting in certain areas.
on a slightly meaner side, the way this story is written, it reminds me alot of the spanish language and the broken english teached in mexico.