Got a youtube but no one watches.
The library was always quiet whenever Twilight left, whether it was when she went on a grand adventure after Spike gets a Letter with Celestia’s Seal on it, when she heads into town, or the farmers market. But when Twilight leaves for town today, Spike finds a magical box Twilight must have keep away from him. What could be in it?
Page generated in 0.024 seconds
Total duration
832 users online
1,232,917 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Capitalize names. Spike and Twilight both got missed in the description alone.
might want to re-read this, I can spot a couple of spelling mistakes here and there. Apart from that, this isn't half bad.
...I barely know what to say. You've broken almost every single grammar rule I know at least once in this thing.
At least you remembered the rules about using paragraphs... that's a plus. You need to use commas & apostrophes and capitalize names. Many of your statements are redundant. "Spike thought in his head"? If he thought it, that means it was in his head. You also seem to switch between present and past tense.
There are also numerous sentence fragments. For example:
That's not a sentence. It should be part of the previous sentence.
You also need to space this out, both in terms of formatting and storytelling. When you start a paragraph, it looks nicer to press "enter" twice instead of just once. Also, while you do have descriptions of settings, it isn't enough. There's no emotional depth to this story.
Also, the last word in the story is wrong. The word you're looking for is "agape". An agate is a type of rock. I should also mention that that's another fragment that needs to be joined with the previous sentence.
@Jphyper
@Path_of_cloud
1156600 The @ doesn't work. If you want us to be notified that you posted a response to us, you have to hit the reply button located at the right top corner of the comment. You can also reply to more then one person at a time. Like so, 1156534.
1156633 ah i see. thanks.
1156693 Indeed. Also, Twilight needs capitalized in your description still.
I tried. Call me when it's fixed. Mmkay?
1156755 besides all the mistakes, story wise, should i continue?
1157058 I say continue.
1157058 If you can fix the mistakes and keep them fixed in future chapter, I don't see why not. The premises is good as I said, but your game needs upped.
I too am interested in seeing where this story is going, but make sure to fix the grammar mistakes. Adding more detail to setting, and maybe slowing down the pace of the story here and there might help a bit as well.
If you want, I'd be happy to help you grammar check your work before you release it, as well as help you a bit with some of the other problems your story has.
1156600 Take advantage of 1157634 offer. Proofreaders are the core to any good story, as well as incredible sources of useful advice and suggestions.
1157634 I'd like that. do you have a skype?1158186 thanks for the time and patients to help noobs like me.
1156765 i think its all better now.
now i wanna know whats gonna happen
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmgRid2UaMk]
The premise is certainly interesting. Glaring mistakes are due to grammar than actual story problems. I say continue.