Midnitemist
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It's finally here!
5574903 lol don't expect quick update's rl is kinda hectic as of late but... I felt that this had taken WAY to long!
5574914
Crap... Well hopefully it will be less than a year or two.
So far no Scootabuse. I'm liking this story already! Why do the Changelings want to release Tirek again? They're supposed to feed off of love, not magic.
5574939 It will be revealed later on. =3
Pre read you have peaked my interest
Post read you have my attention
Not to bad. A little rough in the formatting, but solid. Can't wait to see more. If you need an editor, let me know.
5578320 well thanks!
5578381 I'll try to keep improving it's been a couple years since I last wrote anything.
I have very high standards. Only 5 stories are in favs, and One in a Million was the best ponyfic i have ever read on this site. I have high hopes for this. With a different author comes new tricks, but I'm open-minded.
5579012 Challenge accepted!!!
LOL but in all Honesty I'll do my best.
5578638 Glad to hear it. Though, there is only one way to get better... and that's to write MORE. ;)
I like it a lot. More!
Interesting, first chapter and we already have three lines!
Man, they certainly went hardcore on the former headmaster, didn't they, removing the horn is next to capitol punishment...
Don't go overboard trying to make horizontal lines, they look atrocious on Mobile. Stick with a max of about ten characters in a palindrome and you should be fine for all views.
Keep going! ;)
5582535 thanks for the tip, I'm glad you are enjoying the story so far.
5582120 thanks,and as for more it will come!
So, I've finally read the beginning of this story now, after I already found out on Monday about it thanks to ocalhoun.
And I've also read the comments you've got for it, that are all very positive so far and all by readers who like it.
My comment is going to be different, though, so you might want to sit down before you read it (if you aren't sitting already). It's also going to be a lot to read, so, plan in enough time for it, so that you can take it in properly.
I'm a big fan of "One In A Million", it's one of the MLP: FiM fanfics, as well as stories in general, that I love the most. And I still remember it well in all it's aspects and since this is supposed to be a sequel to it, I applied it's standard to it and there are a lot of things I have to address.
What I will write now will probably sound harsh to you, but it's meant to help you improving it, and after the things I've noticed in the first chapter of your sequel here, I think it is best when I refer to those things directly and completely honestly:
First, it doesn't feel enough like a sequel to "One In A Million".
You mention Herald Dust, the (former) headmaster of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns at the beginning and start off the story with him and Scootaloo makes an appearance later on, but, all in all, this isn't enough.
What I'm talking about is not the number of hints to "One In A Million", they are fine, Herald Dust and Scootaloo returning right at the beginning is enough for now. It's rather a problem of the execution of their appearances.
You mention nothing about it how things went for Scootaloo after her hard week in Celestia's school.
What has she done after her return?
How did she recover from the magical overexertion? Especially considered that it should have become even worse after her stunt during her final exam.
What does she want to do now with her better control of her magic? Has she any goals?
Despite the hard time she had in the school, she still learned valuable things there and I would say she wants to put them to good use. Especially if we consider the fact that her magic is also connected to her special talent. She sure wants to do something with the things she learned.
Granted, you hinted on it a little that she has a plan now that she returned from the school, with the spell she's apparently preparing, but you haven't given much exposition on that.
Six months have passed since her time in the school, what did happen in this long time?
And why did she barely spend time with Applebloom and Sweetie Belle, her two best friends? She missed them so much in the school, why has she not spend more time with them after returning to Ponyville?
And why is she suddenly acting like an expert in all things magic? Has she studied magic more after returning from the school?
This is the first major problem that your story here has; not enough exposition, too rushed and thus, not enough connection to "One In A Million" and not really delivering the feeling that it is a sequel.
And this brings me to the second big problem of this story:
The continuity.
I'm mainly talking about Herald Dust here. You mentioned that he was fired, thrown out by his family on the streets and got his horn cut off as a punishment for what he did in the school.
And as someone who knows "One In A Million", there are things here that I just can't buy.
I can see why he was fired. This is an outcome that was to expect after the things he did. But getting his horn cut off? For being a cruel, dictatorial headmaster that abused his power?
That just can't be. It's an incredibly hard punishment for the things he did, a punishment you would expect in a harsh, dictatorial regime, but not in the Equestria we know. It's nothing that fits to Celestia's and Luna's gentle rulership. Neither of them would do something like that. At least not as long as it wouldn't pose a threat for Equestria as a whole to not cut off a unicorn's horn and to deprive it off of it's magic with that, which isn't the case here.
And why was he thrown out by his family? What reasons did they have to do that? Really just that he lost his job? Even considered that River Star, his daughter, knew what he did and supported him anyway? This doesn't seem right. Even when River Star is a bitch and a bully, she still seems to love her dad, even when it's probably just for his fame and wealth.
The only factor that could make this work, is, that the fact that he lost his fame and wealth together with his job, is the reason why he lost the respect of his family, both of his daughter and his wife, as well. But currently, it doesn't really feel like that was the case.
Currently, he's just on the streets, thrown out by his family for unknown reasons. There's no feel for it why they did that.
If you want to make this work, it needs again a lot more exposition and explanation.
Then a more minor, but not any less important, issue: Twilight's castle exists in this fanfic.
And even though "One In A Million" is set some years in the future, from the present that we see in the show, it shouldn't be there, simply because it wasn't there in "One In A Million".
In "One In A Million", we saw that Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash went together with Applebloom and Sweetie Belle into Twilight's library to seek her help after Scootaloo could use magic suddenly. The library wasn't destroyed there and the castle didn't exist.
When "One In A Million" was written, ocalhoun couldn't implement the castle, because we didn't even know yet that Twilight's library will get destroyed and that she will get a castle.
And now in your sequel, the library is destroyed suddenly and the castle exists? This doesn't work. For a sequel, it is important to stay in the continuity of the original fic that precedes the sequel and to not change circumstances or major plot points of it.
I already know what you will say now; "That's why I used the 'Alternate Universe' tag, to make the implementation of the castle work."
But this brings up another problem, "One In A Million" wasn't set in an alternate universe, it was set in the exact same universe that we see episode per episode in the show. Just a few years in the future, that is all.
"One In A Million" is a "What could happen in the future?" sorts of story and has thus it's own timeline. Calling the sequel "Alternate Universe" to bring it closer to what is seen in the show doesn't work with this kind of story, it just creates a plothole and confuses readers of "One In a Million".
This is the second major problem of your story; it has little to no continuity to "One In A Million" and this makes it feel even less like a sequel than the missing exposition and general connection to the events seen in it.
Aside from these two major issues, there are a lot of grammatical mistakes in your story, too many to list them here, and getting yourself pre-readers and editors is highly advised to make this story better readable.
All in all, to sum it up, the issues that are in this story in regards of being an intended sequel of "One In A Million" are:
1. You don't connect this story enough to "One In A Million" to make it feel like a sequel with skipping important questions that every reader of "One In A Million" has and expects to get answered in a sequel, e.g., "What did happen after Scootaloo left the school and what are her plans now?".
2. You don't give enough exposition and explanation to give the story a logical flow and the readers the feeling that the events make sense, e.g., "Why was Herald Dust thrown out by his family?" "Why is Scootaloo suddenly so skilled in magic that she is seemingly performing a very advanced spell?"
3. You ignore the continuity of "One In A Million" and build in things that don't work with the already established narrative/events, e.g. Twilight's castle.
4. You have made a lot of grammatical mistakes that make the story hard to read.
So, now that you've read all this, you're probably shocked quite a bit. Take a breath, get yourself a glass of water and I'll wait.
...
...
...
Back? Okay, then let's continue.
I understand that it is very intimidating for you to read from me that so many things went wrong with your sequel to "One In A Million", but this does not mean that you should let yourself getting stopped with writing one. You have some good plot ideas that can make for a very interesting sequel. You just need to work on how you present all of them.
It's not going to be easy and it will be a lot of hard work, but if you take it serious and put your heart into it to make this sequel good and, most importantly, if you don't give up even when the road is bumpy, then you will succeed with it.
But what should you do now? My advice to safe this story and give it a workover is the following:
1. Let this story rest for a while.
Start to improve your grammar, hone your writing skills with writing some smaller stories, one-shots, then, once you feel ready, try yourself on an own adventure story, to get back into the mood of writing and to practice. Possibly also read some adventure fanfics of other authors here to get a better feel for writing one on your own, during this practice stage.
Then return to this one and try it again.
2. Read "One In A Million" again and pay close attention to details.
Because, to be honest, reading your sequel gives the feeling that you skimmed over the story at best. It doesn't give the feeling that you have really read it in a proper way with the plot mistakes you made.
Reading it again will guarantee that you know the plot well enough to avoid making big mistakes again.
3. When you start to give the sequel a workover, take your time with it.
Don't rush things, take your time to explain and to give proper exposition. My special tip here to begin with that is:
Throw away the idea with the six months gap between the end of "One In A Million" and the beginning of the sequel. Start maximally a week after Scootaloo returned and show how things go from there.
The sequel doesn't have to start off big and epic. Make it slow, let it be a Slice-of-Life fic at the beginning by showing the things Scootaloo does after finally being back in Ponyville after that harsh time in the school and develop it from there.
There's no need to rush it, you have all the time in the world and the sequel can have as many chapters as you want. That way, it will give the sequel a much better cohesive feeling and a proper connection to "One In A Million" that draws in readers of it.
4. If you still feel that you have problems with grammar and the like, maybe even with dialogues or things of the sort, get yourself some pre-readers and editors to help.
Look into the description of "One In A Million":
ocalhoun has listed some pre-readers, dialog consultants, editors and proofreaders, who helped him making his story as good as it is, there. If they have time and are not busy with helping other authors with their stories, I'm sure they will love to lend you a hoof to make this story a success and a piece of literature that isn't any less enjoyable than "One In A Million" is. The experience they already have with "One In A Million" will also make it easier, as opposed to others who didn't read it.
Again, I know that this sounds intimidating. You probably have figured out for yourself by now that your sequel isn't working how it's written currently. But if you follow my advice and take the steps I mentioned, you can turn this sequel into a good one, that is worthy to "One In A Million", nonetheless.
If you take on this task and if you don't give up, you will manage it to write a sequel that will make ocalhoun, as well as every fan of "One In A Million", proud of you.
5595096 Well you're welcome to your opinion, and if you want to write your own version feel welcome. I DO understand where your coming from with your points, and I will keep them in mind, However you should also keep in mind that this was just the first chapter and more will be explained as the story progresses.
as for the grammar if you want to step up as an editor then feel free to offer and I'll get back to you after I read some of your work. Thanks for the constructive criticis! 
5596675
That's not exactly the answer I hoped for. But at least you see your mistakes.
However, you should do something with the plot points I mentioned, quick. Especially considering what happened since Scootaloo returned. Because, as I said, it's too inconsistent for a sequel right now.
And even though I can't explain better why than I already did, I advise you again to give the chapter a complete facelifting before you continue, by writing Twilight's castle out of it, by giving more basic exposition and by shifting the beginning of the story more closely to Scootaloo's departure from the school.
I can see the reason for it why you believe in your own story. You already got a good reception of it with a bunch of positive comments and 24 likes and then I come around, criticize your story heavily and give it a dislike. I can understand how daunting that feels after you got first good receptions and there's nothing wrong about it to believe in your story.
But the number of people who like something is not necessarily indicating the quality of a story, more often, a detailed analysis by one person who has a lot of knowledge about storywriting, or, like in my case, knows the preceding story very well, is better capable in determining how well a story works and to give you advice.
It's big hoofsteps you try to fill into here, with ocalhoun as the author of the original story, but if you write a sequel to his story, you should make sure that you can really fill these hoofsteps with your sequel.
Everyone who has read "One In A Million" and values it's high standard will agree with me that your story, including the first chapter, needs a complete workover.
I can't offer myself as an editor, I neither have time for that, nor is my grammar, while better than yours, already good enough to be an editor. That's why I showed you some people you can ask for that.
Also, after some thoughts, a last thing about that:
You know, I have written this giant wall of text to help you, because "One In A Million" means a lot to me and I want that, if someone writes a sequel to it, the sequel is really a worthy one, not because I want to compete with you.
It was harsh criticism, but for the betterment of the sequel you're trying to write.
And, what I want to say is, don't answer to criticism by someone who wants to help you, in a way like that.
It makes people less fond of helping you (or ceasing that entirely), because it lets you come across as someone who isn't even remotely interested in improving his writing and who just wants to write a sequel for the heck of it.
5599292 I will give this away since you've taken the time to give me such an lengthy critique. The palace's existence, and Dust's punishment/banishment WILL be explained in later chapters. That's all I can say on the matter without going into spoiler territory.
5600863
You really have settled on your idea, it seems. I hope you can keep up with your promises.
Anyway, I'm still advising you for a last time to give your first chapter a workover; by delving into it what Scootaloo did in the six months after her return, because the way it is written now, it is just a gaping plothole that she practically abandonded her best friends for six months despite that she missed them so much in the school, by giving more exposition on her plans and how it went for her after leaving the school, to give the story a better flow at the beginning, because currently, you try to jump into the epic action too soon, and by correcting all the grammar mistakes that make it so hard to read and getting some pre-readers.
I don't know what else to say anymore and it's up to you if you want to make this story really good.
IF you want to make it really good, however, you should at least take care of these issues that I mentioned again now.
lotsa misused and not used enough commas.
hope you did not stop writing the story Choices Legacy . It is starting good
5738025 5677123 Thanks for the comments!
As for my having stopped writing a couple things in my real life have made progressing difficult, but fear not for things are starting to work themselves out, and if all goes well then I should be able to get back to writing soon! 
I have too agree with what Fluttercheer wrote. The spelling and grammar are bad, and cutting Herald Dust’s horn off seems to be a bit hard punishment. Before writing on, you should fix those points.
What is the adult conntent in this i read something i bet has worse in it
6067271 For future events once i FINALLY find some time to write!
6067996 no I don't know because I am 13
I enjoyed the start, now where shal the rest be engaged. Oh and pinkie?
"Yes, bud?"
em rof ssa sih kcik
"Kk, if the author lets me."
6239273 Things have been pretty hectic lately but I'm trying to find time to write, as for pinkie... MAYBE if she behaves
6240114 "yay!"
you heard him, behave.
"Okie dokie lokie!"
Now then, waz ap all
His punishment seems a bit harsh. I mean everything sounds fine, like he got what was coming to him, but to get his horn removed?
I think that's a bit too extreme. Other than that, you set up a pretty decent vague introduction. You introduced some intresting things that will probably happen in the near future, but explained it too fast for the reader to get a feel of what can come from it. And also, why such a big leap? Why six months? I'm pretty sure we all deserve to know what happened after her ordeal, and what Scoots did after it. Not in the far future, where Twilight even has a Castle now!? I know that there is the Alternate Universe tag, but what is presented in the first chapter just seems like it has happened in the FAR future, not in an alternate universe. But, hopefully everything will be worked out and solved in due time. (If you ever decide to upload again!
). And why has everything progressed so rapidly? It's only been six months, but everything seems like a year has passed. like for example; how was Scoots able to go from barely passing a magic theory exam, to
and
?
. Hopefully though everything will be explained in due time, like I said ealier. I don't really like to criticize people about how they do things (I'm a total Fluttershy with this kind of stuff 
) But considering how "One In A Million" Is like. My most FAVORITE fanfiction, this kinda bugged me. So even though it might of sounded mean 
I only tried to help in creating what can hopefully be an Amazing sequel to the best Fanfiction. I can't wait to read what the next chapter holds though. Hopefully it will hold what we're all looking for! 
I think that development is a bit too rapid in the six month time period, especially for somepony that thinks like Rainbow Dash. And we ALL know how she thinks
Plans to continue this? I know it's now considered AU, but I'd still love to read whatever you planned on writing!
6587526 doc I DO still plan on writing this story, I'm just swamped at work atm. You see I stock shelves at Wally world at night and the silly season is upon us. I've also been dealing with family issues since around June with the passing of my g'pa, so sorry for the delay but know that this story is FAR from dead!!!
6588287 Glad to hear it. The story preceding this one is one of the most unique stories on fimfiction, this one so far has great potential. Hopefully life gives you a breather so you don't have to stress so much. No worries about the delay, whenever you get a chance I'll read it, just glad to know its not dead!
I gotta be honest here, this story has a very different writing stile than the original. Also, it seems like it will be dark, maybe even darker than the original. But I understand this is your first story here, so I will keep in touch with it. Who knows, maybe it will turn out good. Never judge a book by its cover, in this case its the first chapter.
7371956 thanks for the comment. Once the next chapter is written, would you be interested in editing?
7373316 Woah I've never been asked to edit before or even edit at all! Also I've never written a story... yet, but if you insist I will gladly edit for you.
I totally understand if you change your mind tho.
I have read many stories, maybe that would help me edit.
Writing style seems a bit different but still a good first chapter.
Alive? Dead? Only time will tell of the story's status.
I'd love to see this story with more chapters. I loved the first book!
Will there be a second chapter or is this canceled?
Pity that the story is dead/indefinite hiatus. The first story was not a bad read considering how old it is.