Cupcakes
_______________________________
A bell sounded, tinkling as Twilight stepped into Sugarcube corner. Pinkie Pie had asked her to come over for a surprise. Twilight smiled, Pinkie always had the best surprises, even when she didn’t know ahead of time. Sure, normally she wasn’t much of a party pony, but even she could enjoy a Pinkie party.
“Thank you for coming over to Sugarcube Corner, Twilight. I want you to try my latest batch of cupcakes.” Pinkie Pie held out the plate, and Twilight took two off of it. Quickly devouring both, she grabbed a third almost immediately.
“You’ve outdone yourself with this latest batch Pinkie Pie. They’re to die for.” Twilight finished off her third cupcake, licking the rainbow icing off her hoof. Pinkie Pie giggled, beaming a pleased smile. The cupcakes in question were covered in rainbow icing, however were rather bland in flavor. Twilight picked up another one.
“I was talking to Fluttershy; she was looking for Rainbow Dash.” Twilight took a large bite and let the bland taste mix with the sugar to sweeten the food. Twilight had always loved Pinkie Pie’s cupcakes. Finishing off her fourth, Twilight shook her head when Pinkie offered a fifth.
“Dashie? Oh yeah! I saw her a few days ago when she came around to help me bake cupcakes. Something came up and she said she had to go to Cloudsdale for something. It’s a pity she couldn’t stick around for longer than just under an hour.” Pinkie Pie pouted for a moment, tossing one of the cupcakes into the air, and straight into her mouth.
“That is a shame. It must have been quite an emergency. I’ll tell Fluttershy that next time I see her.” Twilight levitated a cup over to the tap and poured herself a cup of water. Taking a sip, she motioned for Pinkie to continue.
“Luckily I found a way to keep a piece of Dashie with me even now she’s gone.” Pinkie cheered up instantly, and Twilight tilted her head and gave a smile. It was nice to see Pinkie was happy even when Rainbow Dash had decided to leave a lot earlier than planned.
“What about the Cakes?” Twilight took another sip of her drink. Most ponies tended to forget Sugarcube Corner was owned by the Cakes, so she was curious where they had run off to during Pinkie’s baking session with Rainbow Dash. Pinkie Pie giggled in response.
“Oh! They went on a honeymoon to celebrate their anniversary. I offered to give them a party, but they decided to go away for their event. Oh well.” Pinkie Pie finished off the last cupcake, and took a seat as Twilight did the same, both shared a pleasant smile at the thought of the two sharing a moonlit stroll together.
“So, have you been careful?” Twilight kept a pleasant smile on her face, tail swishing as a stray breeze swept in through the window. Pinkie Pie nodded eagerly, and pulled out a book titled ‘Precious Memories’.
“Oh yes! I made super duper sure to make sure the only evidence was in my memory book here. Weeeeelll… except for my souvenirs of course.” Pinkie Pie giggled again, and gave a tooth filled smile as she glanced toward the empty cupcake tray. Twilight smiled, and a pleased look came over her face.
“Of course, I would never ask you to not keep souvenirs. That would be just mean, and you know how I feel about mean ponies.” Twilight stifled a yawn, and stood up. Pinkie Pie did the same, and both turned to look toward the basement. Twilight followed Pinkie to the door, casually flicking the open sign closed with her magic, and both descended the stairs.
The light flickered on, and Twilight gazed around the room, her eyes resting on the remains of the last victim. Twilight walked over and examined it, whistling in amazement. Pinkie Pie had outdone herself, everything was in almost perfect condition. Twilight nodded once in approval as she turned to look toward Pinkie.
“So what are you going to stuff your new toy with?” Twilight slowly walked around the room, passing various instruments as she let herself admire the decor. Some were from works she herself had seen, and others Pinkie had obviously kept hidden for Rainbow Dash’s playdate. Calmly, Twilight looked toward the straps on the table, and smiled warmly.
“I was thinking polyester, but wool is quite cheap to come by. I might ask Miss Mary for some, she loved the muffins I sent her.” Pinkie Pie giggled as Twilight picked up an item and held it to her side, wiggling it like it was her own appendage. Smiling, Twilight put it down and walked over to a corner of the room still in complete darkness.
Flicking a lamp that was sitting on the perfectly normal table, Twilight approached where a top hat was currently sitting upside down. Twilight reached her hoof in and fished around the names, pulling one out and chuckling. Putting it back in, she picked out another. Suddenly, a sound came from behind. Twilight turned and gasped in shock.
“Surprise!” Pinkie Pie beamed a smile as she held out a personally gift-wrapped present. The wrapping was brown in color, and on the side was an hourglass sewn onto it. Twilight tore the wrapping apart, and gasped, hugging her gift as she brought Pinkie Pie into a hug.
“Oh thank you! I can’t believe you saved me the most important part.” Twilight quickly put her present on the table as she looked toward her pink friend. After a moment, both stepped back, and Twilight produced a present of her own, wrapped in a red and green pattern adorned with a bright red bow.
“Oh my gosh! I needed a new one of these!” Pinkie Pie held up the butcher knife, and threw it into the table, watching as it slid through the wood before sticking. Now she wouldn’t have to use her rusty one. Pinkie Pie giggled, and Twilight smiled warmly, glad to see her friend enjoying the present.
“I’ll be sure to eat my heart out when I get home.” Twilight smirked and Pinkie chortled in response. Pleased, Twilight was glad her friend still enjoyed really bad puns. It always made getting her gifts that much more fun and inventive, especially when they involved such a rare gift, one Pinkie normally kept for herself.
“Oh Twilight, ever since you discovered my experiment, I’ve been so grateful. My life used to be full of gray and fake color, and now I get to discover the True Rainbow of our world.” Pinkie stood up on two hooves, and raised her arms upward as she smiled toward the ceiling. Twilight lowered her head as a blush emerged on her face.
“I didn’t really do that much, I just helped you add another layer to your game in the hopes you would allow me to watch you play.” Twilight looked away, embarrassed to be praised so much. Really, she hadn’t done that much, merely just help Pinkie realise her true inner self.
“Don’t sell yourself short. If it wasn’t for you, my game would have ended that night. I hadn’t even planned what to do with the body, let alone realised that what I was doing was ok. I mean, I thought I was some monster before you showed up, so thank you.” Pinkie Pie smiled, and brought Twilight into a hug, both getting teary eyed.
“Believe me Pinkie, the only monster is the world we live in. For condemning you for what you are, for condemning me. For condemning all of us. But then again, that was why we were chosen by the Elements.” Twilight hugged her friend tighter, before finally releasing Pinkie. Both looked toward the hat, and smiled.
“If we, who are smart enough to see the truth do not act, then who will? We are not to blame, we are above blame! Because we are the messengers of the world! The world is to blame! Not us!” Twilight raised a hood triumphantly into the air, and Pinkie smiled. Pinkie looked around her room, at the True Colors staining the wall.
“We are the Elements of Harmony,” she spoke, letting the smile reach both sides of her face. Twilight nodded, hugging her friend, and they both headed upstairs.
The light flicked off, and the door silently closed.
“I don’t know Twilight; are you sure we can continue our cause without Rainbow Dash?” Rarity sliced into the mannequin, cutting it in such a way that it formed an intricate pattern of curls and circles. Twilight had to admire Rarity, even when practicing, she spared no expense at showing her true art during any situation.
“You know as well as I do we can’t stop the lottery. It is what Harmony chose Pinkie to do. She can’t help it. The same as you can’t help it when you go to Canterlot.” Twilight pointed to the mannequin as Rarity pursed her lip, and moved onto a second one. Starting the exact same pattern, she sighed despondently.
“You’re right of course. When I’m surrounded by those high class ponies I just want to...Harmony refuses to let me rest until each one is as fashionable as my mannequins.” Rarity sighed, letting stars cloud her eyes as she thought to her dream, of high class wearing her fashion everywhere they went. Twilight wrapped an arm around Rarity, consoling her.
“I guess it was Harmony’s doing that she left so suddenly. I will miss seeing her in action, doing stunts in front of an audience, diving low over the crowd.” Rarity let Twilight squeeze, leaning into her friend. Both took a single moment of silence for their friend who had unfortunately left them. The moment passed, and Rarity went back to work.
“I’ll be honest Twilight, I’ve hit an artistic funk at the moment. Why is it always swirls? What if a pony prefers squares? I must strive to provide many forms of fashion to those who cannot afford it. As the Element of Generosity, it is what I was destined for.” Rarity cut a square in one mannequin, and began to fill the square with many small intricate angles.
“Sorry Rarity, I don’t know. I’ve never been that good at fashion. That’s why I have you.” Twilight winked, and both had a small laugh. Looking toward the dresses in one section of room, Twilight wondered which was for Rarity’s quest, and which were orders. Generous as Rarity was, she still needed to put food on the table.
“I really must thank you dear. Without you, I would have never found the True Path to Harmony. I’d hate to lose my connection to the Elements due to not understanding Harmony properly. It would be like being told I’m not the most generous pony in Equestria; absolutely heart wrenching, Twilight.” Rarity smiled as she saw Twilight blush, and turn to head for the door.
“Either way, I need to be going. I need to find Applejack and Fluttershy before heading back over to Pinkie for the lottery. Don’t forget to dispose of the mannequins.” Twilight closed her door, chuckling as she saw the casual eye-roll of Rarity. As if she needed to tell her that, but it was better safe than sorry. After all, Harmony was counting on them.
“Ah told ya Ah'm not a thug. Ah get paid to do it an it’s an ‘onest days work!” Applejack glared at Twilight, who shrunk back, and mumbled an apology. Applejack grumbled, but let the matter drop. Element of Magic or not, no one understood Honesty better than Applejack. After all, that was why she was chosen by the Elements.
“If y're looking for Flutters, she went to check the river. Said she need to get some fish or somethin'.” Applejack watched as Twilight trotted away, and turned back, heading toward her barn. Entering the door, she walked over the pony sitting on a chair in the room, and smiled. Honest work or not, she did enjoy doing as Harmony requested.
Fluttershy slid the final fish into her basket as it gasped for breath, and turned toward Twilight as she approached. Shrinking back, Fluttershy gave a very soft hello. Smiling warmly, Twilight levitated up the basket of fish. After all, magic was easier than carrying things by a wing or mouth.
“Hello Fluttershy, I’m just giving everypony an update on what happened to Rainbow Dash. Something came up while she was at Pinkie Pie’s and she flew away. According to Pinkie, Dash was heading toward Cloudsdale.” Twilight looked toward the cheery sky where clouds were slowly being bucked away by some of the resident Pegasi.
“I-I see.” Fluttershy lowered her head and bit her lip, not saying a word. Twilight glanced down, and silently sighed. Fluttershy was so timid, it ended up being a hindrance more often than not. Either way, she was the Element of Kindness, so it made sense. Twilight just wished she had less doormat tendencies, afraid somepony would take advantage of her friend.
“Fluttershy, if there’s something bothering you, you can tell me. We’re friends right?” Twilight took a step closer to Fluttershy, and met her friend’s gaze. As their fur slightly brushed against each other, Fluttershy took a step away, separating them by half a step. Twilight waited, sensing Fluttershy was about to speak.
“I-I’m just w-worried I’m n-not good enough for H-Harmony. I-I mean I try t-to keep up b-but I-but I…” Fluttershy trailed off, and Twilight gently nuzzled her friend as they walked. Arriving at the cottage, Twilight put down the basket as Fluttershy began to feed the animals.
“Fluttershy, Harmony isn’t going to be sad just because you’re not as fast as somepony like Rarity or Pinkie Pie. You’re the one the Element chose, and it wouldn’t have chosen you if Harmony didn’t know this would be the case. So don’t worry if you’re lagging behind, because we, and Harmony, will be there to walk with you.” Twilight smiled, and brought Fluttershy into a quick hug, knowing the mare didn’t like having long hugs.
“O-Okay. Thanks...Twilight.” Fluttershy let a soft smile fall on her face, and Twilight helped her feed the animals. After they were done, Twilight glanced to the sky and chided herself; she was going to be late. Waving goodbye to Fluttershy, Twilight turned and galloped down the road. If she was lucky, Pinkie had waited for her.
Slamming the door open, Twilight quickly realised Pinkie was downstairs. Annoyed, Twilight trotted down, closing the door behind her, and entered the basement to see Pinkie already standing over the hat. Walking over, Twilight watched as she slowly turned, a slip of paper in her hoof.
“I told you to wait for me, geez. Alright, who's number came up?” Twilight waited impatiently for Pinkie to respond, noticing the shocked gaze on her friend’s face. After a moment, Pinkie flipped the paper around so Twilight could read it, and she blinked. There, written in plain Equestrian, was one name she had never expected to see.
Pinkie Pie.
“Twilight, do you know what this means?” Pinkie Pie began to cry, and Twilight bit her lip and looked away, afraid to say the words she knew were coming. First Rainbow Dash, and now Pinkie too? Was Harmony testing them? How long before the others got chosen as well? Twilight looked back to Pinkie, and let an uneasy smile show on her face.
“It’s my turn, Twilight!” Instead of the usual reaction that Twilight had been expecting, Pinkie Pie gave one completely unique. While Twilight had seen some twisted smiles in her time, the one slowly forming on Pinkie’s face was something entirely different. Twilight felt shudders go up her spine.
“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this, Twilight! I thought my day would never come, but not only did Harmony gift me with the chance to play with Rainbow Dash, I can now experience the True Colors first hand!” Pinkie Pie beamed as she vaulted over to the table and strapped herself in. Twilight chuckled, and shook her head. Just like Pinkie Pie, to be happy even in the most unfortunate of circumstances.
“Oh! Can you do the side-splitter? What about the eye-gouger. Oh! What about the hoof-slicer? I’m so excited!” Pinkie Pie squealed in glee, unable to keep herself still. Twilight smiled warmly as she approached, levitating the table of utensils over. Leaning forward, Twilight whispered into Pinkie’s ear.
“Oh don’t worry, Pinkie. I know techniques that even you don’t know, I've been saving them for just this occasion. I know how much this means to you, so I will make sure you survive even longer than a Gryphon.” Twilight’s smile widened as Pinkie Pie’s did the same. Both breathing at each other, Twilight could see the blush deepening on the already pink face.
“You know Pinkie, I wanted to be the one to do Rainbow Dash. I am so jealous of you.” Twilight levitated up the first of many utensils she would be using as she leaned over Pinkie Pie, drool coming out of her mouth. The thought of marking that skin, spilling red over the ground in a wonderful splatter of color, truly there was no better pleasure.
Oh Twilight had waited for this, finally Harmony was blessing her. Twilight raised the tool, and began her task.
Twilight bowed before Princess Celestia, in the throne room of Canterlot. Bags were under her eyes from too many nights up, but they would clear in time. Princess Celestia smiled warmly at her student, and dismissed everypony from the throne room, and motioned Twilight over, embracing her student.
“You have grown so much my protégé. I could not be prouder, and neither could Harmony, whose glow follows you as you guide the Elements to their true purpose.” Celestia smiled at her student, glowing with radiant light. Twilight sighed in the comfort and safety that was Celestia, and both were silent for a time.
“Did you destroy any evidence?” Celestia chuckled as Twilight narrowed her eyes, nodding enthusiastically. Of course she had done so. Well, except for one item. Twilight took the book titled ‘Precious Memories’ from her saddlebags, and held it out for Celestia. At the back was a brand new section related to the most recent victim.
“Anything flammable burned down in the fire, anything not was buried in the Everfree. Well, except for this, Pinkie wanted the Harmony Princess, in memory of all we have cleansed in Harmony’s name, to have this.” Twilight beamed a smile as Celestia levitated the book up, and flipped through the pages. Slamming it closed, she levitated it over to her throne, and slipped it under the cushion.
“Thank you Twilight, I will treasure it, even once Harmony’s will has been done.” Celestia slowly walked back over to the throne, and sat down. Twilight bowed, and left quietly. Putting both her hooves together in silent contemplation, Celestia watched as Twilight left, but did not call everypony back in just yet.
Celestia smiled, and glanced toward all the stained windows of Twilight and her friends completing feats.
Twilight watched the school from afar, watching the three fillies as they both said farewells. Scootaloo, an orange filly with purple hair, immediately let her face drop as she looked with concern in the direction of Cloudsdale. After heaving a sigh, the filly headed into Ponyville, heading for the alleyway. Opening a side door that was badly broken and barely on its hinges, Scootaloo cringed as her father glanced toward her.
“God damn kid! Get out of here! Go steal us some booze!” The father tossed an empty bottle at Scootaloo, who wasn’t able to dodge, gaining cuts on her body as it shattered, remnants of the alcohol stinging her eyes. Scootaloo stood her ground, and the father narrowed his eyes.
“Hey wife, looks like our kid’s got a pair after all. What should we do about ‘er?” The father smirked as the wife glanced out from the kitchen, and she gave a feral smile, tossing the father a rolling pin. Scootaloo’s eyes widened in pure fear, and she dived for the door. However, the father was quicker, and easily pinned her down, binding her arms and legs.
“No, no please,” she sobbed, closing her eyes as she saw her father raise the pin. Suddenly, the weight was lifted off her, and she opened her eyes, watching her father fly over the couch, and fall on the ground at the other end of the room. Between them, a purple figure stood her ground, and Scootaloo raised her eyes, seeing the burning rage plastered on Twilight’s face.
“It’s ponies like you that are the reason Harmony is angry. You will not survive this.” Twilight began to walk forward, horn levitating up the rolling pin as she glared at the husband. The wife tried to shrink away, but a powerful telekinetic force held her in place, forced to watch as the form loomed over the father.
Scootaloo watched as Twilight swung up and down, a bright red erupting around her. On Twilight’s face was no smile, only anger, and yet the blood only seemed to bring out her features. Scootaloo watched as Twilight sighed, and stood up, approaching the wife. The wife had managed to grab a kitchen knife, which Twilight gratefully borrowed.
“Oh how thoughtful of you. For that, I’ll make it painless.” Twilight smiled sweetly, and took a step forward. Letting go of her magic, the wife fell to the floor, and Twilight turned to look to Scootaloo, eyes full of concern. Scootaloo had yet to move, shock on her face.
“Are you okay? They didn’t hurt you, did they? Rainbow Dash would kill me if they ever got to you.” Twilight took a step forward, and Scootaloo finally blinked, turning her attention to the bright red surrounding them as Twilight crouched down, cutting off her view. Scootaloo felt tears start to form in her eyes, but didn’t understand why. Why was she crying?
“Oh my poor Scootaloo.” Twilight embraced Scootaloo, hugging the filly as she brought her hooves around the filly. Scootaloo felt her body respond to the hug, not understanding why she was sobbing. Twilight had just...her parents. Why was Scootaloo crying?
“I’m sorry Rainbow Dash didn’t find out about this first. She is a lot better at painting the True Color they so rightfully deserve.” Twilight hugged Scootaloo tighter, and the filly’s sobs grew louder. Wait, it was Rainbow Dash she was sad about? Why was she crying over Rainbow Dash? And why was there a sense of...relief?
“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you, for Rainbow Dash. And nopony will ever hurt you again.” Twilight smiled warmly, feeling the filly begin to cry even louder. Scootaloo felt a spark of warmth enter the part of her heart that had been filled with sadness and fear moments ago. It was the spark that Rainbow Dash had always carried, and Scootaloo knew her idol was dead.
Scootaloo silently swore to repay Twilight for saving her from her current life, and looked up with tear-stained eyes to thank her. Twilight merely smiled, and warmly embraced Scootaloo again.
“There is no need to thank me, I only showed you the light. It is up to you whether you wish to walk it with me.” Twilight lifted up the filly as she stood up, and quickly began to wash the True Color off her body. Scootaloo slowly let go, and looked to the bodies, and shivered.
“But is it right? What you did?” Scootaloo glanced toward Twilight, who nodded once and smiled.
“I am the Element of Magic, chosen Messiah of Harmony. This world is filled with ponies like your parents, ponies who have gotten away living off the darkness where Harmony couldn’t touch them in. Harmony has chosen us, the select few who have always glowed in Her light, to find those who have not been swallowed up by the darkness, and teach them the way of True Harmony.” Twilight stood before Scootaloo, the father’s body behind her as she spoke. Scootaloo couldn’t help staring slack-jawed, drawn forward by the charisma of Twilight.
“What is the way of True Harmony?” Scootaloo watched as Twilight smiled, and motioned toward the wife’s body. Scootaloo glanced between them, and then waited for Twilight to speak.
“This world is too far gone for Harmony to purify it with a simple beam of Harmony Magic. Those chosen by the Elements have only one option to solve this matter. For you see, True Harmony is unlocked by bringing out the True Color from a pony’s body. The more of the color you can bring out, the more we purify their corrupted soul.” Twilight walked toward Scootaloo, and the two left the backstreet apartment.
“I don’t know, why did Rainbow Dash agree to it?” Scootaloo felt this compulsion to just follow Twilight. It was as if everything suddenly made sense in the world. Her parents hadn’t been abusive because they wanted to; they had just been corrupted. After all, Twilight was an Element of Harmony, and everypony knew they were made to stop evil.
“Wow, that’s a pretty long story, are you sure you want to hear it?” Twilight winked, and Scootaloo felt a smile return to her face. Arriving at Twilight's house, they entered the building. Sitting down, Scootaloo waited as Twilight brought out a drink, and held gave it to the filly. Nodding, Scootaloo waited for the tale to begin.
“Well, when I realised the Corrupted Princess was returning, Princess Celestia told me to find the Elements of Harmony, and sent me to Ponyville to do so. Of course, at the time I had no idea of this. Back then, I did not understand the True Path. But we never do when we first hear of it.” Twilight chuckled, and put a hoof to her chin, leaning on the table, as she spoke.
“It wasn’t until we were fully attuned to the Elements, and we had purified the Corrupted Princess, that we began to see more corruption in the world. For a Princess to get corrupted like she was, there must have been a lot of darkness in the world. I mean, who would ignore such a beautiful night?” Twilight glanced toward the window, where the sun was still in the sky.
“It was then that the Harmony Princess spoke to me, and told me of my True Path. The Corrupted Princess had lost her memories of anything beyond what is common knowledge about the Elements, so only the final Harmony Princess knew. You might be asking why I trusted Celestia so easily. Well, let’s just say I’m not her most faithful student for nothing.” Twilight chuckled, and Scootaloo nodded. It was the same as how she viewed Rainbow Dash; it made perfect sense.
“So I watched, slowly nudging the other Elements, helping them discover the True Path on their own. Rainbow Dash was one of them, and now you inherit her legacy.” Twilight put a hoof on Scootaloo’s shoulder, and smiled sadly at the filly.
“I hate to ask such a tough question, but I know you are a strong filly. Look inside yourself, find your True Path. And know: I will never ever betray you, leave you, hurt you, make fun of you, or lie to you.” Twilight’s words echoed inside Scootaloo’s head, and she realised that the light, the one that reminded her of Rainbow Dash, was growing the more she let herself listen to Twilight. Scootaloo wanted to be with Rainbow Dash, despite knowing she was no longer of this world, and leaned toward Twilight, desperately wishing for the light to grow.
“Of course I will. If Rainbow Dash followed this path, so will I.” Scootaloo smiled, determined, feeling joy cover her like a blanket, as the light consumed her body. And there it was, the Element, materialised on her neck. Scootaloo gave a tearful smile to Twilight, and both watched the necklace vanish, knowing that it was only a representation of the Element.
“So how will you take on your Element?” Twilight looked to the pony sitting beside her. Watching the party in front of them, both reflected on the life that was Pinkie Pie, and her method down the True Path.
“I will go one step further, and instead of picking one name out of the residents, I’ll pick one name out of everypony who attends my parties. After all, Cheese Sandwich is the best Party Pony in Equestria now. I must maintain her legacy.” Taking a sip of his drink, Cheese stood up, bowed to Twilight, and walked away.
Watching him go, Twilight smiled, and turned so she could enjoy the final moments of the party. Closing her eyes, she felt two phantom hooves on her shoulders. Behind her, two smiles, nods of enthusiasm.
‘Go Twilight, you egghead.’
‘Hey, be sure to have fun along the way, work can be fun if you make it so!’
“I will, my friends.” Twilight felt a single tear leave her eye, and looked toward the sky, where bright lights twinkled across the darkness.
“I will.”
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It's actually quite a unique piece. It starts looking like it's just going to be Pinkie slashing Twilight but then takes an unexpected turn when she turns out to be, as I see it, the mastermind behind it all.
It's painful, and horrific to read yet some how touching. At various points I questioned whether I should continue reading but I'm glad I did.
Grammar and spelling wise it looks good. I don't see any immediately obvious mistakes, just one little niggle:
I would add an 'of' there but that's likely just down to preference.
--Sollace
5474990 Danke
clap
Surprisingly brilliant, although a bit difficult to get behind at first.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
I... Actually, I have to disagree with the author's notes. The world depicted in this story is depressing and horrific, but within that context, I actually think this was a wonderfully happy ending. Harmony goes on.
And that's why we love religion.
Can I just say that I absolutely adore this? It has this perfect feel of being so wrong, but at the same time having the mono-whiteness of it just ooze off it. I would liken it to the Machine Orthodoxy on New Phyrexia.
5491793
5491966
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Thank you :)
Yas.
I find this happy, suprisingly.
-SYA, The Horse
Personally I would have liked a little more scene setup, as the beginning doesn't paint much of a picture other than them being in Sugarcube Corner. It could have used a little more flavortext, especially concerning the chapter of course being titles Cupcakes. It's the most well known fanfic in the fandom, so there's not much to catch the eye of new readers. The two most common strategies for this are playing it straight in order to pull the rug out from under readers, or make it very clear that something new is happening.
Could use a more descriptive culinary term.
semicolon
The comma's not really needed here.
You're repeating words in quick succession, and I'd stick with the word icing or some synonym instead of sugar.
I'm notorious for doing it too, but not every sequence of actions requires comma breaks. When they start popping up more and more, you have to stop and think to yourself do certain scenes really need this many.
How? I haven't read Cupcakes, but I got the impression she killed a lot of ponies beforehand. Where did their bodies go?
This should be 'I just helped'
Same thing
Okay, I have a bit of a problem with this. Again, I have no contextual basis as I've not read Cupcakes, but I don't get why Twilight feels this way. People and by extension ponies aren't inherently bad. Now we could argue for days on the intricacies of nature vs. nurture, but I can'f find any reasonable basis as to why Twilight thinks what Pinkie is doing is okay. I am a believer of Mary McCarthy's words: "We are the heroes of our own story." The Joker felt anarchy was more "pure". The Emperor subjugated the Galactic Empire because he wanted order. Tyrannical order, but order. I don't see any real justification from either party for Pinkie engaging in rampant serial murder.
I also don't get this shift in tone. It feels operatic and out of place, clashing with the earlier mood and dialogue. It doesn't help that I don't get Twilight's justification for Pinkie's actions.
semicolon
By now I am noticing an almost complete lack of said tags. Over short intervals it's fine, but after a while, I started to notice on an unconscious level and double-checked—and lo and behold. It wouldn't hurt to spice it up a little bit.
On a separate note, I've noticed an unnatural proclivity for dialogue to start paragraphs. It's very odd to see.
semicolon or new sentence.
I believe you are looking for 'yer'
Honestly I expected Crapplejack.
Since I believe Harmony is a proper noun, stylistic guidelines require another capital H after the dash. 'H-Harmony'
I've already seen True Colors and True Harmony, so I'm not understanding the reason for the switch.
Not sure of the reason behind the apostrophe.
Now that I'm done, I have to say I'm rather ambivalent.
I'm the kind of guy who likes serial killer stories. I made one myself. However I can't help but feel that setting up all six as some form of serial killer didn't have a firm enough foundation. From Twilight's explanation, it's a more extreme version of punishing the guilty, but that's conflicting with Pinkie's method of selection by lottery. It's also hampered by Celestia's endorsement, which felt odd to have in the first place. She felt exactly as she did in the show, except she encouraged Twilight to kill others. I like the idea of Celestia grooming Twilight to become a serial killer, but I didn't feel as if that conscious decision changed Celestia's decision-making or personality. It felt like a non-sequitor.
It felt like there should have been less emphasis on murder being a decree from the elements themselves, and more of a story revolving around the characters. The strength was greatest there, and felt like the more important of the two to the story; why was more important than the who that commanded them.
You also seemed to be struggling to make this a mature rated story. I could see it squirming at the cracks to become all-out violent. Teen catches both teens and adults, the same line of thinking many directors dumb down a movie from R to PG-13, despite it decreasing the quality of the movie. It could have been done without any murder being committed, but Twilight killing two ponies in cold blood stretched the envelope pretty well.
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Edit: As I'm trying to keep my intentions a secret and leave it up to viewer perspective, I'm editing this comment. Thank you for the help.
Hey, I wrote a review for this story. In case you are interested, it can be found here.
Overall, I didn't like it. You had an interesting concept here, but you didn't went anywhere interesting with it. Also, I had some issues with your characterization.
5560023 Alright, thank you for your input.
I thought that this was a great story overall and the whole concept behind it was a unique take to this already flogged story that we all know as Cupcakes. My only slight complaint is that I wish the whole Pinkie's number coming up and Twi torturing her could have actually been showcased. I don't like dangling lures like that.
Anyhow this story still fed my grim-dark love of an appetite and I applaud you for it. I could read more stuff like this!
-Frost
5607343 Thank you ^^
vapepenreviewhq.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/What+the+fuck+What+is+this+shit+Why+this+is+_734f00d2381add12caff7fe3f1da1b73.jpg
There are not enough words to convey the pure wtf that I just read. I might have to go sit down, cry, read into philosp- or I can just agree this story was stoopid.
Also, this is exactly how this story plays out with its "harmony" i.giftrunk.com/08xmhr.gif
So weird.
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Sorry, :\
6031577 Ah nah its fine, its fine, I am fine. No really I am, I just like to hambam things up for humorous effect, seriously this could be like a dark comedy because at first, I laughed. Then I just got confuzzled and was all like "they're all crazy" and then everyone died for "harmony" or somethin, couldn't take it seriously.
6031579 It's meant to show that if the Elements of Harmony was a cult/religion following instead of a force for good, Cupcakes could happen. I needed to do a unique take on the tale, and I chose to try rationalizing Cupcakes.
A lot of my smaller stories are experiments of one sort or another.
6031586 Mon dieu, you tried to rationalize cupcakes? troll.me/images/bill-oreilly/thats-just-stupid.jpg
No offense to you or your writing, but you tried to rationalize a gorefic, and it would never happen logically for anyone or... anything, Idk, maybe ponies have been killers all this time and are just waiting for the camera to stop. THE CONVERSION BUREAU WAS ALL A REALITY! ( This is a joke and not meant to be taken seriously, but still, shame on you for trying to rationalize a gorefic. )