Pinkie Pie invites Twilight over to talk about Pinkie's latest batch of cupcakes. But why did Pinkie make the cupcakes? What reason could be behind such a methodical task?
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- Member Since 15th Nov, 2012
- offline last seen Nov 1st, 2023
FaelaArts
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FaelaArts
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It's actually quite a unique piece. It starts looking like it's just going to be Pinkie slashing Twilight but then takes an unexpected turn when she turns out to be, as I see it, the mastermind behind it all.
It's painful, and horrific to read yet some how touching. At various points I questioned whether I should continue reading but I'm glad I did.
Grammar and spelling wise it looks good. I don't see any immediately obvious mistakes, just one little niggle:
I would add an 'of' there but that's likely just down to preference.
--Sollace
5474990 Danke
clap
Surprisingly brilliant, although a bit difficult to get behind at first.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
I... Actually, I have to disagree with the author's notes. The world depicted in this story is depressing and horrific, but within that context, I actually think this was a wonderfully happy ending. Harmony goes on.
And that's why we love religion.
Can I just say that I absolutely adore this? It has this perfect feel of being so wrong, but at the same time having the mono-whiteness of it just ooze off it. I would liken it to the Machine Orthodoxy on New Phyrexia.
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Thank you :)
Yas.
I find this happy, suprisingly.
-SYA, The Horse
Personally I would have liked a little more scene setup, as the beginning doesn't paint much of a picture other than them being in Sugarcube Corner. It could have used a little more flavortext, especially concerning the chapter of course being titles Cupcakes. It's the most well known fanfic in the fandom, so there's not much to catch the eye of new readers. The two most common strategies for this are playing it straight in order to pull the rug out from under readers, or make it very clear that something new is happening.
Could use a more descriptive culinary term.
semicolon
The comma's not really needed here.
You're repeating words in quick succession, and I'd stick with the word icing or some synonym instead of sugar.
I'm notorious for doing it too, but not every sequence of actions requires comma breaks. When they start popping up more and more, you have to stop and think to yourself do certain scenes really need this many.
How? I haven't read Cupcakes, but I got the impression she killed a lot of ponies beforehand. Where did their bodies go?
This should be 'I just helped'
Same thing
Okay, I have a bit of a problem with this. Again, I have no contextual basis as I've not read Cupcakes, but I don't get why Twilight feels this way. People and by extension ponies aren't inherently bad. Now we could argue for days on the intricacies of nature vs. nurture, but I can'f find any reasonable basis as to why Twilight thinks what Pinkie is doing is okay. I am a believer of Mary McCarthy's words: "We are the heroes of our own story." The Joker felt anarchy was more "pure". The Emperor subjugated the Galactic Empire because he wanted order. Tyrannical order, but order. I don't see any real justification from either party for Pinkie engaging in rampant serial murder.
I also don't get this shift in tone. It feels operatic and out of place, clashing with the earlier mood and dialogue. It doesn't help that I don't get Twilight's justification for Pinkie's actions.
semicolon
By now I am noticing an almost complete lack of said tags. Over short intervals it's fine, but after a while, I started to notice on an unconscious level and double-checked—and lo and behold. It wouldn't hurt to spice it up a little bit.
On a separate note, I've noticed an unnatural proclivity for dialogue to start paragraphs. It's very odd to see.
semicolon or new sentence.
I believe you are looking for 'yer'
Honestly I expected Crapplejack.
Since I believe Harmony is a proper noun, stylistic guidelines require another capital H after the dash. 'H-Harmony'
I've already seen True Colors and True Harmony, so I'm not understanding the reason for the switch.
Not sure of the reason behind the apostrophe.
Now that I'm done, I have to say I'm rather ambivalent.
I'm the kind of guy who likes serial killer stories. I made one myself. However I can't help but feel that setting up all six as some form of serial killer didn't have a firm enough foundation. From Twilight's explanation, it's a more extreme version of punishing the guilty, but that's conflicting with Pinkie's method of selection by lottery. It's also hampered by Celestia's endorsement, which felt odd to have in the first place. She felt exactly as she did in the show, except she encouraged Twilight to kill others. I like the idea of Celestia grooming Twilight to become a serial killer, but I didn't feel as if that conscious decision changed Celestia's decision-making or personality. It felt like a non-sequitor.
It felt like there should have been less emphasis on murder being a decree from the elements themselves, and more of a story revolving around the characters. The strength was greatest there, and felt like the more important of the two to the story; why was more important than the who that commanded them.
You also seemed to be struggling to make this a mature rated story. I could see it squirming at the cracks to become all-out violent. Teen catches both teens and adults, the same line of thinking many directors dumb down a movie from R to PG-13, despite it decreasing the quality of the movie. It could have been done without any murder being committed, but Twilight killing two ponies in cold blood stretched the envelope pretty well.
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Edit: As I'm trying to keep my intentions a secret and leave it up to viewer perspective, I'm editing this comment. Thank you for the help.
Hey, I wrote a review for this story. In case you are interested, it can be found here.
Overall, I didn't like it. You had an interesting concept here, but you didn't went anywhere interesting with it. Also, I had some issues with your characterization.
5560023 Alright, thank you for your input.
I thought that this was a great story overall and the whole concept behind it was a unique take to this already flogged story that we all know as Cupcakes. My only slight complaint is that I wish the whole Pinkie's number coming up and Twi torturing her could have actually been showcased. I don't like dangling lures like that.
Anyhow this story still fed my grim-dark love of an appetite and I applaud you for it. I could read more stuff like this!
-Frost
5607343 Thank you ^^
vapepenreviewhq.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/What+the+fuck+What+is+this+shit+Why+this+is+_734f00d2381add12caff7fe3f1da1b73.jpg
There are not enough words to convey the pure wtf that I just read. I might have to go sit down, cry, read into philosp- or I can just agree this story was stoopid.
Also, this is exactly how this story plays out with its "harmony" i.giftrunk.com/08xmhr.gif
So weird.
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Sorry, :\
6031577 Ah nah its fine, its fine, I am fine. No really I am, I just like to hambam things up for humorous effect, seriously this could be like a dark comedy because at first, I laughed. Then I just got confuzzled and was all like "they're all crazy" and then everyone died for "harmony" or somethin, couldn't take it seriously.
6031579 It's meant to show that if the Elements of Harmony was a cult/religion following instead of a force for good, Cupcakes could happen. I needed to do a unique take on the tale, and I chose to try rationalizing Cupcakes.
A lot of my smaller stories are experiments of one sort or another.
6031586 Mon dieu, you tried to rationalize cupcakes? troll.me/images/bill-oreilly/thats-just-stupid.jpg
No offense to you or your writing, but you tried to rationalize a gorefic, and it would never happen logically for anyone or... anything, Idk, maybe ponies have been killers all this time and are just waiting for the camera to stop. THE CONVERSION BUREAU WAS ALL A REALITY! ( This is a joke and not meant to be taken seriously, but still, shame on you for trying to rationalize a gorefic. )