I’m a feminist woman looking to write stories on a male dominated site. It’s an uphill battle but a satisfying one, only as long as I succeed.
Equestria is a great nation. It had lasted for thousands of years. However, like all great nations, it draws to a close. An ancient evil unlike anything anyone has ever seen before emerges from the shadows bent on revenge to destroy Equestria and the one thing that makes it great: Princess Celestia.
Only four ponies can save them all now. Unfortunately for Equestria, they may not know how.
Actually, they may not want to. Equestria sucks.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is a good start! I'm excited to see how this story evolves!
-Ocean
Wow! This is really awesome! I can't wait for more!
A Note: Please don't take this criticism as me either trying to insult or discourage you. It is just my suggestions on how to improve this story. This is just my opinion; use it as you see fit.
For the most part, I thought it was decent. The dialogue is decent, the conflict is okay, the fight is good. I must say, though, that there are two things that are hindering me from really getting into this chapter: Luna attacking Celestia and something Celestia says.
Luna is afraid of this hybrid for some reason, and I'm okay with not knowing at the moment. What I'm not okay with is this:
That doesn't make sense to me. She's angry at Celestia, yes, but her anger is because this hybrid was born, right? So why, in a fit of fury, doesn't Night Mare Moon first want to kill Emerald? That would make sense, given how Celestia talks about the value of all life, and Luna is fghting between that and the peril that Emerald may bring (I assume). I think her attacking Celestia like she did especially saying that, is out of character for her, and not-well-justified given what happens.
And then Celestia says this:
True, and she doesn't have the Elements, but why would she justify her hurting Luna by saying that Luna attacked her first? To be honest, that seems downright petty, and it doesn't sound right coming from a pony like Celestia (at least how I perceive it). That bit at the end doesn't help her saying that she doesn't want to hurt Luna; that goes from intimidation to mild and unintentional taunting, as I see it. It just seems unreasonable.
Those are the two things that bothered me the most about this chapter. Both Luna and Celestia seemed out of character here. Apart from that, I think what they're arguing about is interesting, and the possibility of Emerald being a danger, given how we've come to know Spike and Rarity, will lead to nice conflict if you stick with the story. I think that what you need to focus on the most is motivation; you threw those two things at me out of the blue, almost like it was just to move the story along.
The grammar is nice, and the prose, although a tad too condensed, is alright.
That's all I have for this chapter. I wish you the best with Chapter 2!
5451930 Thanks for the advice.