• Member Since 10th May, 2014
  • offline last seen April 5th

Raichu


I’m a feminist woman looking to write stories on a male dominated site. It’s an uphill battle but a satisfying one, only as long as I succeed.

T

Rumble has gotten himself into a very unfortunate situation that involved him kissing another mare in front of his girlfriend. Now he must face the wrath of his girlfriend who just happens to be the one and only Diamond Tiara.

The characters in this story are adults.
Source for picture: Link
Please comment on the story and like the story if you can. Feedback is appreciated. Thank you.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 20 )

What... I don't even... forget it.

Mlem. Translation: Don't ask me, I am a horrible person.

“Running away from your problems won’t solve anything. That’s at least what I learned from watching The Trotting Dead!” Button said enthusiastically.

is that a reference to the YouTube series or just a crossover over joke? can't tell haha

Great story. The ending though, XD.

5576151 I guess you could say crossover joke.

VGI

Nicely done. I spotted a few errors, many of which I've listed down below.

As for the 'feels,' you've nailed it. I feel for Dai. And Rumble in this story reminds me so much of my friend Mark, who always was chased by girls. Always. Poor guy.

Shelving.

Possible errors and points of improvement:
1. Button smoothed back his mane for his even though it kept sticking straight up in the air.
- The statement is a bit awkward for me.

2.******************************************************************************************************************
- Just an opinion: You may want to just stick with a few centered "****." It doesn't have to be so many.

3. It was worn out and torn down by dust, rust and time. It used to be a place of happiness where he and his classmates would learn with Miss Cheerilee, but a new school was built else and Miss Cheerilee went to teach there.
- It was worn out and torn down by dust, rust and time. It used to be a place of happiness where he and his classmates would learn with Miss Cheerilee, but a new school was built somewhere(?) else and Miss Cheerilee went to teach there.

4. She grew out of bulling when she grew older, but she was still rude if anypony got in her way.
- bullying(?)

5. She had a sweet spot for Rumble before he knew it, they were dating.
-She had a sweet spot for Rumble and before he knew it, they were dating.

6. He began to like somepony closer to him. It was his friend, Scootaloo that he began to like.
- Personal opinion: He began to like somepony closer to him. It was his friend, Scootaloo.

7. It was a place full of memories, but it was also falling apart.
- Personal opinion: You've already done a good job of establishing this. No need to re-emphasize.

8. It seemed of fresh pine.
- "It seemed of fresh pine?" Or, "...smelled of fresh pine?"

9. "The windows were cracked, the walls were torn and had holes and the old desks were neatly in the place that had always been in since he was little with the only difference being that this place had dust everywhere."
- Just a suggestion: The windows were cracked, the walls were torn and had holes, and the old desks were properly arranged like they've always been since he was little except that dust was now everywhere.

10. Scootaloo leaned back again the chalkboard with her eyes shut and a small smile placed lightly on her face.
- against(?)

11. “It’s not what you think.” Star said quickly and looked at Button who was staring at her dreamily. They both reached down to grab something then held up the objects in the air proudly.
“We were playing video games!” They both said together. Rumble rolled his eyes as they held up their new Pii Us.
- Nice ending. I was about to blech, thinking that they were doing something...else.

Pii Us. Nice touch.

I need clarification before I read this...

Is this a rumble x demon tiara or rumble x scootaloo?

5577796 It was never any specific ship in fact, it can be any one of those to you

5579551 ok than time to read.

Well dang. That's a sad way to end.

Good job I give you a like.

It was surprisingly good. Little errors, good conflict, and overall very tight and well-made. However the only thing it really seemed to lack was me caring that Diamond Tiara cried. Sure I was shocked but, other then that there was no reaction. I suggest making a prequel but, if you decided not to I would gladly do it with your permission.

5600020 Maybe not a prequel really, but I wanted to make a little side story about Button Mash and his girlfriend. I do want to see if this story does well first. I glad you enjoyed it though.

wow rumble. what a dick move.

Comment posted by Glowing Ember deleted Feb 20th, 2015

Pii U, that somehow sounds inappropriate.

That was really good for your first time! I enjoyed it quite a bit! :twilightsmile:

Awww!

Kind of sad that Diamond got put through that, even though she is a jerk.

Still loved it!:pinkiehappy:

#Review is inbound. ^_^

Sometimes. It's best to think about how to write your sentences. Does this one feel weird? No? No. But. Sometimes. You have to consider the fact that a pause requires a comma. Not. A period/full stop. "I hate that feeling." Said MegatronsPen annoyed. "When you don't continue the flow of the conversation without using commas. It really breaks it apart. Really bad. Right?"

Also: Em Dash.

Also: Get an editor.

I need one. You, need one.

Here is your requested review from the Pleasant Commentator and Review Group! Hope you enjoyed the review!

(looks at description...)

Rumble, my poor chap. You were doomed the moment you failed to thoroughly read the instructions and disclaimers that came with such a demanding slavedriver significant other. I have no pity for you. Now I have to figure out whether I want to read further into the painful scenario you have put yourself in or not.

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