Looking back, I, Lock Pick, should have chosen a better path in life. Maybe it was the allure of the treasure, maybe it was the adrenaline that kept me coming back for more. Maybe it was a stallion who called himself Stealth. It wasn't his real name, but where I worked names weren't important.
It wasn't long before I found myself captivated.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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First chapter here, it feels a bit confusing at times as too who's speaking. It can really throw your readers off if they're not sure as to who's putting out what information or how they feel about the situation.
Not getting much of what your characters are like, except they're lovers in what I can assume is in Canterlot. I can only that because it's a ritzy place and a prime target for thieves and the guard being a unicorn. Kind of feel like I'm shooting in the dark here because what little information I have ead, there isn't much I can go off of.
I have to ask, is this just a prologue or something? I'm not sure what to think of this first chapter. This does seem to be the premise of an interesting story, Thieves can be colorful characters, I want to see how you develop them.
5336468
I'll go in and add some better speaking cues. Right now it is, yes, a prologue. I am just showing off the characters simple right now and will build them in the next chapters. The thing is, the prologue is the end of the story. They die, and the first chapter will be at the beginning of they story.
I wanted to use the end of the story to give the characters, and then use their pasts to develop them and show how they got to that point, who they are, etc.
I am actually going to mark this as AU because despite the fact that yes, it is in Canterlot, it is a future? version of it. It will be somewhat different than it is in the show, but it will become what it is in the prologue as the story progresses.
5336468
I fixed where I saw some issues in the speaking. There might be more you can see, but I didn't see any more than what I fixed.