The Chrysalis Effect

Pascal #1 · Dec 22nd, 2014 · 7 · · ??? ·

There are some issues that I have with this.

If you're going to make a choose-your-own-adventure story, it's best to get to the actual choosing part quickly, since, y'know, that's the whole point of a choose-your-own-adventure. With this story, there are over thirteen-thousand words to read before the first choice appears. Thirteen-thousand. Why didn't you just write a regular story? And once you get to the first option, two of the three choices do nothing and just make you go to the third one! So why is there even a choice if it doesn't matter what choice you make?!

I confess that I didn't read the whole thing, but I'm going to talk about what I did read. Firstly, I had a problem with all the keyboard-banging and randomly capitalized letters. Formatting is something you almost never want to mess with. Having weird or flashy formats might seem cool in the moment, but they usually just end up being distracting. Here's an example:

“H#YiST50ST3rngTHzTOVEN#V4rBNSK1^pkzb4?#?!”
“adN. tTH79HRRM3N1S&8$RZ20SnoW$dyz??!?$$”
“L1ttKnD6FScRed. ;k’ azS8L35fff^$%kn1JZ.”
By listening carefully, I’m able to grasp the gist of their conversation and respond when it’s required of me.

Firstly, how? What part of that gibberish provided you with any information? Secondly, am I supposed to infer that Shining is literally hearing the other characters say shit like "Aee dee en. Tee tee aeche seventy-nine aeche are are em…"?

Later on, ThE FlesH BEasTs StArT TalKiNG liKE THIs, wHicH IS VeRy DistraCTIng. It takes the reader out of the story. When I read that, I'm not playing out the scene in my mind. I'm thinking "why did the author type it like that?" You could have just said something like:

The flesh beast turned to me and spoke, wheezing through what sounded like a century's worth of phlegm in its throat.
"Hey, Shining. How's your dildo collection coming along?"

Have faith in the reader. We can use our imagination if you describe the scene. A few italicized words here and there are fine, but don't go too crazy.

Now, the story. Like I said, I didn't read the whole thing, so it's entirely possible that all of this is perfectly explained twenty-thousand words down. If thats the case, then just bear with me. Also, this all happens in the first few scenes, so I don't think it counts as a spoiler.

Shining Armor is living in an apartment with someone named Alice. I guess the thing with Cadence didn't work out? Also, "Alice" is not a pony name. I can suspend my disbelief with the EQG shit if I have to, where pastel humans give their kids ridiculous pony names, but if you're going to have regular human names in there as well, then I can only conclude that half of the parents in real-world America gave their children names like "Shining Armor Sparkle."

So, Shining Armor was in some sort of accident that killed his entire family, which is Twilight and Ma and Pa Sparkle, I assume, since he doesn't appear to be married to Cadence. The accident gave him a condition that causes him to perceive the world as being some sort of hellish freakshow with spooky stuff all around, but his ability to think rationally is intact. So why doesn't he just tell anyone? Why doesn't he tell his doctor? If the stuff isn't real, then there's no danger or suspense. He's just got a tragic condition. That could work for an adult drama story about a man struggling to deal with a crippling mental illness, I suppose, but I came here expecting this to be a "sexual/gore adventure fiction story". As it stands, it's just a story that happens to have some sex and gore in it for no particular reason, and I'm afraid that's not enough to pull me through thirteen-thousand words.

I hope this helps.

SuperWeegeeWorld

SuperWeegeeWorld #2 · Dec 22nd, 2014 · · · ??? ·

ChromeRegios

Also LikedSimilarAuthor

Stats

FIMFiction

Follow & Support Us

Also Liked Similar Author