Twilight Sparkle visit Celestia at her castle to ask for the whole story of Sunset Shimmer. Only to be shocked at what she finds out about her.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 24th Mar, 2014
- offline last seen March 26th
The Forgotten Siren
Hello and welcome, I am The Forgotten Siren and I enjoy MLP and want to write good fanfiction for you all. I wish to keep this clean and start a new...hopefully
The Forgotten Siren
Joined 24th Mar, 2014 ·
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Haven't read it yet, but I will fav it!
Instant fav. In my theory of Sunset's origin I believe she was an orphan.
thanks and yeah I got the idea from Kung Fu Panda. You know Tai Long past with Master Shifu
In the above paragraph, you committed three other punctuation errors: There should be a comma after Celestia, the period after 'world' should be a comma, and there should be a comma after 'said'.
'Why' should be capitalized as it is the beginning of a sentence. There should be a comma after 'said'.
I skimmed the next several paragraphs of this and decided the story you're trying to tell is too unoriginal and uninteresting to bother reading properly. I also caught multiple grammar and spelling errors just skimming this.
You should really learn how to write before you try to write.
Oh, and don't try to use smartquotes. If you go back and look at what you posted, you'll see that your quote marks came out...very strange. Just use the quote mark key on your keyboard, that's what it's there for.
I liked the idea of this story. However, it is totally overrun by grammatical errors. Common mistakes happened repeatedly, (new vs. knew, for example)....but the strangest thing was how the present and past tenses were getting mixed up constantly throughout the whole story.
"But when every time Sunset got the letter back from Celestia. She would talked about"
Even the author's note has errors that suggest the story really was rushed!
"Ok, my second story... I hope it is not too rushed, but at the same time I hope it is well paisa "
paisa?
5230537 Thanks and I got this proofread again and fixed.
quick error point-out, is it 2 hours or 4 hours?
and "well paste" in AN should be "well paced"
I liked the pacing for most of the story, but the end was rather rushed when compared to the methodical layout of the earlier parts.
Personally, I always imagined Sunset and Twilight to have roughly the same potential, and it seems kind of insensitive to just tell your young pony someone else (someone younger) is simply more powerful than her... maybe say the new filly has more raw talent since she hasn't had training yet and is older than when Sunset started receiving instruction? (That's less on you, the writer, and more on Celestia being irresponsible.)
Good stuff, glad to have read it ^__^