Sugar Rush

Lyra an Bon Bon. Recognized by everybrony (Hasbro too) as being in a relationship. Well, they may be dating, but that doesn't mean it's always been this way. This story describes exactly how the couple's romance came to be.

Chapters (2)

Prologue - Introductions · 22nd Apr 2012 · 751 words
751
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Chapter 1 - A Chance Encounter · 22nd Apr 2012 · 1,337 words
1,337
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Comments ( 4 )

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abandoned2123

abandoned2123 #1 · Apr 22nd, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 - A Chance Encounter ·

This could use some work. In the intro you've made some errors by bunching some words and phrases together, though that's easily fixable. However, the introduction alone seems very redundant. As a fanbase, we already know about Lyra. I can understand wanting to establish some character, but you need to follow the main rule of storytelling; "Show, don't tell".

Your prose is also inconsistent. At one point you're using a lot of purple prose, and at other times you're whizzing by plot points. Try finding a good editor to look this over and patch up.

RainbowDashian

RainbowDashian #2 · Apr 23rd, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 - A Chance Encounter ·

483290 Yeah, I'm writing on an iPad, so it's kinda screwing with what I write. I have to go over the word "somepony" about twelve times before autocorrect accepts it, yet it doesn't change things like "thenisaid"

Pretzhog

Pretzhog #3 · Apr 26th, 2012 · · · Prologue - Introductions ·

You got a decent story going for you so far, a few errors here and there that can be easily fixed (Words jumbled together, or too many comma uses in one sentence). But for my personal input (And don't let this stop you at all! It's just coming from one person) I'm not an avid fan of fanon, like Lyra and her assumed affinity for human traits, and I'm not much into shipping either. Other than that, you're on your way!