Fractured Fairy Tails: Twilight Sparkle in Wonderland

by Unknown Tale

Eleven - Awakening

Twilight, Twilight, Twilight!

Twilight Sparkle could hear Princess Celestia's voice. She woke up very shakily. "Wh-what happened?"

Celestia smiled. "Looked like you had a really crazy dream."

"It felt so real Celestia, like I could feel every moment of being there."

Celestia kept a smile, knowing that she went through a lot of trouble. "Your friends are waiting for you up ahead," Celestia replied. Twilight turned to see Shining Star, Fluttershy, the real Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Trixie, and Rarity. Twilight went over to them.

"Happy Un-Birthday, Twilight!" the seven of them said. Twilight blushed. I guess it wasn't a dream after all!

"Thank you for bringing me back, Twilight...!" Fluttershy said to her. Shining Star was happy to see them alright and unharmed. Pinkie Pie started setting up a table and put teacups and teapots all around the table.

"I heard about yer story Twilight," Applejack said, "and I want to know more about it someday."

Rainbow Dash and Trixie nodded in agreement. "It would be a great honor to know, Twilight."

Rarity then said to Twilight, "I'll be happy to help the next to time you're in another world."

"I can't ask for better friends," Twilight said aloud and sat in one of the eight seats available.

Celestia then said to her, "Whenever you're ready, I would love to hear all about your adventure in Wonderland with Princess Luna."

"It would be an honor."

Pinkie Pie then set a cake for Twilight and lit the candle. "Go ahead, blow it out and see what happens," she said. Twilight thought carefully of what could possibly happen and blew the candle. Her horn lit up for a moment and two pages were added to one of her spellbooks.

Shining Star then said, "Looks like we have some new magic in Equestria." Twilight and Fluttershy chuckled a bit.

The eight took their seats. Twilight smiled and blushed. She could almost wish this moment would be with her. If only Spike was here. Spike was next to Twilight the whole time. He was writing a new story to add for Twilight's library. He finally came up with a title for it.

Twilight Sparkle in Wonderland.

Epilogue

Twilight woke up the next morning feeling very happy. She enjoyed the day she had yesterday with her friends, plus Trixie. Before she could recall the whole day, she got a knock on the door. She knew who that one pony could be, Fluttershy. She quickly put on her Alice outfit and ran over to the door. When she opened it, it was Fluttershy! In her Rabbit's Outfit too! Spike went over to them to see what was going on. His sight shown Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy hugging each other. They were both blushing; they missed each other after Wonderland. It felt like a whole month. Then Fluttershy ran off to Everfree Forest. Twilight followed knowing exactly where they were heading. Wonderland.

Before they got in, they were greeted by a dark blue pony. Luna. Celestia did say she went there before, Twilight thought. Princess Luna turned to the two ponies. "Where are you two heading off to?" she asked in perfect english. Fluttershy nearly passed out hearing that. Twilight was about to tell her, but Luna already knew by her outfit. "Mind if I join you two this time?" Luna asked.

"Sure thing!" Twilight replied. Fluttershy got up and the three walked the rest of the way to the rabbit hole.

END
Next Part: Peter Dash

Author's Note:

There are a few characters I left out of this story for the second part of Wonderland in the future. Maybe someday, I'll make The Garden of Talking Flowers scene, White Knight encounter, and The Chess Game a seperate story. Thanks for viewing this story, please comment, rate, and follow to the best of your ability. Thank you everypony.

Comments

[Aliucon]

Oh dear. I have a lot to say about this. As a huge Alice in Wonderland fan, I got intrigued enough to check the whole story out, and I really hope you can take this well, because you seem like a reasonable person and just joined the site pretty recently... I'd feel like a jerk for scaring someone off like that. But anyway, this'll take a bit of reading from you. Hope you don't mind.

I like the idea of inserting our favorite ponies into stories, but that has to affect the story greatly for it to work. Through this story, I didn't actually feel Twilight was acting like herself. Instead, I feel you tried to keep her much more like an Alice, since it was her role. But that's not very entertaining, and I'll try to explain why. See, chances are we already know the story and read the books (though this one seemed to take more after the Disney's version, which I'm OK with). If we have seen that, we know how Alice reacts to everything already. We read this story wanting to know how Twilight Sparkle reacts to it, with all the perks that come to it. And I don't think this was executed well here.

And it isn't just Twilight. Fluttershy outrights shouts angrily at Derpy at some point, quite unlike her. Trixie shows hardly any of her characteristics in this. Discord is very right and proper through all of his appearance, which is odd for such a chaotic entity. So, see, if the characters fill like they're filling roles rather than being themselves (which is why we love them), it becomes way less entertaining.

The sad part is that I know you can pull this off. Through the story, I see bits and pieces which assures me that you can write these characters better if you put a bit more thought into it. Maybe you were too afraid of it getting too different? You didn't need to. Perhaps the story would have done better if you took the risk.

As for comedy, which, for me, is the best part of the book, you don't need to highlight the jokes with the people laughing. Perhaps your OC can get away with it, but it feels awkward to think of everyone laughing at every joke. And I liked some of them! The jam one made me smile. And there was that part with Rarity in chapter 8:

"I'm looking for a way to..." Before she could finish, Rarity cut her off. "A WAY!? Everypony knows all ways are MINE and not the HIGHWAY!"

It doesn't make too much sense, but this was the essence of Alice for me: wordplay, randomness, misunderstandings, fun. Parts like this were a pretty good job from you. They kept me going. Another highlight goes to this one in chapter 10, though:

"What do you know about this unfortunate moment?" Rarity asked.

"Nothin'," Applejack quickly replied.

"Nothing Whatever!?"

"NOTHING WHATEVER!!! I mean if I knew, I would've told you."

I mean, it follows the book, so it's not an original moment, but it made me laugh, because, after all, Applejack is the element of Honesty and including her in that point was nice of you to do. There was also a part in Chapter 4 in which Dazzle says something like "We can't tell you without breaking into song", and that's funny too because MLP tends to have these random moments of song anyway, and it made some sort of sense even when being illogical. Which, for an Alice in Wonderland fic, fits the theme perfectly!

So, see, I like some moments of it. But it's not a smooth read. And you force it a lot to try and go down the path of the actual story. For example:

"Oh, you've got perfect timing, now please! Help! I can't be ready without my gloves and fan! Look in my room! I'm sure their there!" Fluttershy said, scared.

If she was so sure that they were in her room, why would she need Twilight to go get it? If she went there and got it, it'd spend just as much time. In the book or animation, the rabbit doesn't know exactly where his fan and gloves are, and he mistakes Alice for his housemaid, which explains why he's suddenly all bossy on her. If you can't fit the right path in the fic, then just go with an alternate one. You can try a similar one, or, if it is justifiable and funny, a completely different one, and the fic will be better for it.

Other than that... as I said, it isn't an easy read. The formatting has some problems, but I won't be getting into that myself. It feels nitpicky, and I prefer to give advice on a level of ideas rather than the fic's appearance...

I see potential in what you can do. I really do. But there's room for improvement. If I can make a short list of recommendations for you, it'd be:

- Your characters are from MLP even if they fill other roles. Use their quirks and characteristics to your advantage.
- The OC doesn't do much other than observe. You may want to give him more defining traits or an interesting relationship with somepony else.
- Don't feel too restricted by the format of the work you're basing the story on.
- Don't feel discouraged. I wouldn't be spending time writing all of this if I didn't think you could do good things and get better.

Good luck and take care.

[Russian Bank Teller]

actually trash

[Unknown Tale]

9109606
Honestly understandable, sir. I had to rewrite this so many times to the point I was happy with it. I respect why you don't like it and I will not change it. Who knows? Maybe you'll write something that'll shake things up, too!