Chapter Two: Love Triangle, much?
It's been a week since you've started going out with Fleur. And it's been one of the best time you've ever had in your life. But something was on your mind. Twilight started acting weird around you, and you mean REALLY weird. She started blushing whenever you talked to her and when you mention Fleur, she just goes silent. And you can sometimes see tears coming from her eyes. You decided you've had enough. You got some bits to buy a ticket to Ponyville. You told Fleur and Fancypants that you'll be gone for a bit. And this is happening now.
You were in your seat reading a book. You looked out your window to see Ponyville coming closer and closer. You heard the conductor telling everypony to get ready to get off. You grabbed your bag and waited for the train to stop. You walked out to the platform and saw Twilight's Castle.
You walked towards the Castle only to be stopped by your hyperactive friend, Pinkie Pie. "Hey Lightning Streak! Whatareyoudoinghere?" She said really fast. You've known her so long that you understand what she's saying. "I'm here for Twilight" You said. "Ohokay" She said before bouncing away. You knew well enough not to question about Pinkie. You walked the rest of the way to Twilight's Castle and you knocked on it.
"Coming" A young drake opened the door and looked up at you. "Oh. Hey there, Streak. Why are you here?" Spike said. "I'm looking for Twilight. Is she here?" You asked him. "Yeah, she's in her bedroom" Spike answered pointing to the hall. "Okay. Thanks Spike" you said walking down the hall to her room.
You walked into her room to see something that baffled you. There was pictures of you and Twilight on her cabinet, there was a plushie shaped like Smartypants but it looked like you. You saw her writing in a diary. "Uhhh...." She looked up to see you dumbfounded. She looked around to see she still had those things out. Her face turned red because of this. "I-it isn't what you think!" She said getting up. You ran, just ran. You can't believe this... One of your closest friends didn't tell you they had a crush on you. Rainbow Dash saw you running and decided to check what's up. "Where you going in such a hurry, Streak?" She said flying next to you.
You just ignored her. You just went to the Train Station and used the bits you had and bought a ticket back to Canterlot and booked it out of there. Twilight saw you get on the Train and cried all the way back to her Castle.
'The BUCK just happened!?' You thought about that all the way back to Canterlot.
END OF CHAPTER TWO
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"Okay. Thanks, Spike"
the comma makes it look like you slightly forget his name, putting a break in there. remove when you can.
You saw hew writing in her diary
You saw her writing in her diary.
Only mistakes I saw through here.
Quite a twist you put there. Finding out one of your friends is crushing on you when you go into their home and room without telling them your coming.
Twilight's busted.
4862261 Fixed it. And thanks.
Since for some friggin reason I can't edit my comment before i'll just make another.
EDIT: Thank you for the Paragraphs in the third chapter, I also forgot to say the chapters are pretty short as well.
4862605 I half-like you comment, thank you for the part I like.
4862617 Your welcome and you try stretching out stories alot. It's kinda hard.
4862261
The comma is actually correct. When one character addresses another in dialogue, commas are needed to separate the terms of address from the rest of the sentence.
To give the classic example, it's the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma!" and "Let's eat Grandma!" One is a character expressing their desire to eat to their grandmother, where the other is a character expressing their desire to eat their grandmother.
4863480 Oh right. Forgot.
The grammar is decent, but the only problem I see is short chapters. It's not hard to expand on a scene if you know what you're doing. As a tip: Think about a scene you want to write and brainstorm on ways to write longer chapters.
Idea: You get back to Canterlot and tell Fleur about what happened while on your next date. She becomes jealous, and begins accusing you of weird stuff, like why you were in Twilight's bedroom.
4927503 Geez, how many ideas do you have?
4927833 Near limitless. Fortunately some of them are good.
This story feels extremely rushed. It's like this story is just trying to rush everything at once without too much plot development. Seriously, consider trying to reboot this story, it's a great concept, but the same can't be said about the pacing and development
6231689 Thank you for the feedback, it will be taken into consideration in future chapters.
6232866
Oh yeah! About future chapters...
FINISH THIS!!!!