A Fleur love story

by The Cosmic Consciousness

Prologue: A new Friend

---Canterlot---

You were asleep in your bed. You don't know what you were dreaming about, but it kept you asleep.
That is until your doorbell rang.
You opened up your eyes and looked at the time of your clock.
It was 9:30 A.M.
You yawned as you got up.
You went up to your drawer and opened it.
After you got dressed, you walked out of your room to the front door.
You opened it to see your Colthood friend, Fancypants.
"Oh, hey Fancypants. You need something?" You said.
"I came here to ask you if you wanted to come over to dinner. I have an accomplice that i'd like you to meet" He said giving you a card that was an invitation.
"I guess I could. I don't think Twilight or the others need my help anytime soon" You responded looking at the invitation.
"That's great news! I'll see you at 5 o'clock then!" Fancypants said before walking back to his Mansion.
You closed the door and looked at the invitation again.
'Wonder who he wants me to meet' You thought to yourselt.
'Guess i'll know when I meet them' You reassured yourself.
"Might as well get ready" You said walking to your bedroom.
You had no idea that he was introducing you to a Mare that had a crush on you.

---Fancypant's Mansion---

You looked at your watch to make sure you arrived at the right time.
Yup, 5:00 exact. You nodded to yourself as you rang the doorbell.
A maid opened the door and looked at you.
"Yes?" She said.
You showed her your invitation and she nodded and let you in.
You looked around. Every thing in here didn't surprise you because you've been in here a lot of times.
You walked into the Dining Room to see Fancypants talking to some Mare.
Fancypants sees you and waves.
"Glad you could join us, Lightning Streak!" He said.
The Mare turned to look at you then blushed before turning back to Fancypants.
"Of course. You're my friend!" You said walking over to the table and sitting down.
"Okay, like I said this morning. I'd like you to meet my other friend. Fleur De Lis" Fancypants said pointing his hand to Fleur De Lis.
You looked at her and smiled.
You put your hand out and said "Nice to meet you, Miss Fleur".
She blushed before shaking your hand.
"N-nice to meet you, too. Mister Streak" She said putting a hand on her cheek until she stopped shaking your hand.
You were confused by this and looked at Fancypants.
He just shrugged at this.

After dinner...

"Thanks for the dinner, Fancy" You said shaking his hand.
"You're welcome, Streak" He said shaking back.
"Goodbye Fancy and Fleur" You said waving goodbye.
"Goodbye, Streak" Fancy said waving back.
"G-goodbye, Streak" Fleur said shyly waving back as well.

Back at your house...

'That was weird' You thought to yourself as you took a shower.
'What was with her?' You thought as you stepped out of the shower.
Suddenly a knock on your door interrupted your thinking.
You walked over to the door and opened it.
Fleur was standing there rubbing her arm.
"Hey, Fleur. Is something wrong?" You asked.
"N-nothing. I-it's just that... Umm... Aw, screw it!" She said before kissing you.
Your eyes went wide because of this.
She stopped and whispered 'Sorry' before running off.
You just stood there dumbfounded.
'Did that just happen?' You thought to yourself.
You closed the door and went to get ready for bed.
After that you got into your bed and begun to sleep.
Until you finally noticed what just happened.
You sat up quickly before yelling "I kissed Fleur!?"
'Nothing will be the same again' You thought to yourself.

And you were right...

END OF PROLOUGE

Author's Note:

Something tells me that's this story is gonna be a bumpy ride ro make.

Comments

[The Dauntless Entrinity]

The story is okay. I saw no grammar or spelling mistakes. But the story is really ruined when you mentioned the reader's name. If you are writing a 2nd Person story you should NEVER name the reader. It takes away the personal feel to it. The story is extremely rushed and the characters are nothing like they are from the TV show. I highly doubt Fleur De Lis would say "Screw it" even if she is flustered over a crush. The plot is okay but you've made many fatal mistakes.

5.7/ 10.0

[The Cosmic Consciousness]

I only found one spelling mistake,
as you rand the doorbell
as you rang the doorbell.

Didn't find any grammar mistakes either.

[asylum1388]

You spelled prologue wrong.

[Dostoron]

4861311
naming the Reader is hardly the Problem, it just means that YOU have more personality than a Mannequin. the Protagonist Needs a Little bit of characterization too.

[MrPip42]

Ok this is my honest opinion, good but needs some work.

First there is a lot of uneeded lines in the story, such as " You had no idea that he was introducing you to a Mare that had a crush on you." I get the point of the sentence, but it really isn't needed. Since you'll learn later on fluer has a crush on you.
You don't have to but I would try to read what you've written out loud or have someone else read it before you keep writing, lets you find errors and lines that can be fixed.

Also, this is just my personal complaint, there are little to no paragraphs! I just kept being ticked off that there is barely any. Idk if you wanted it like that or not, but that's just my own complaint.

I liked the story however, especially with the triangle shenanigans. ^_^