Pinkie throws Sweetie Belle her birthday party, only to get a gift from a stranger who asks her to give her some fruit for her birthday. The fruit looked weird and, having piqued her interest, she eats one. There are consequences.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 5th Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Yesterday
DeviousNights
Ya boy DN is back, start expecting new stories in upcoming months. Just a guy who likes the show and many different anime
DeviousNights
Joined 5th Jul, 2014 ·
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I wasn't expecting to, but I have to say I enjoyed this. There were a few spelling mistakes, it was a bit rushed, and really didn't make much sense...but on the other hand, it was humorous, lighthearted, and overall a pleasant story. 7 out of 10.
I saw this coming, and yet it still surprised me.
HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE
4784552 gum gum fruit. I don't even watch one piece and I know that.
It seems my theory on what ability Pinkie would get was correct. To anyone who expected me to yell "called it" to celebrate, I may have a large ego, but it's not that bad. I wonder how the Gum-Gum Fruit ties into Madara's plan? Perhaps he expected Sweetie to eat it so his message to Rarity would only be a way to freak her out instead of directly killing Sweetie. If that is the case, she got lucky not being turned into a pancake with strawberry jelly by that tree.
Pinkie's fourth wall breaking abilities are a difficult thing to pull off perfectly. There are many correct ways and incorrect ways to apply them in a story, and you demonstrated one of each here. The sentence where she knew she would get powers because she read the description was a good use because it was genuinely funny while not making her seem omniscient or at least not all-knowing/seeing. I would, however, recommend removing the part of it directly saying that she broke the fourth wall. The readers can figure that much out by themselves, so this portion of the sentence makes it seem like you don't trust your audience's ability to figure things out for themselves. The key word in this situation is 'subtlety.'
The sentence that followed it where she stated the facts behind the Gum-Gum Fruit fails one big way. The name and details of the fruit aren't in the title. This means that she was carrying around another piece of paper that explained the fruit's powers for no reason at all. That is almost crack-fic levels of convenient. Everything else in this universe follows some form of logic. Twilight had a book with the Sharingan in it because Celestia gave it to her to expand her knowledge of magic of every variety. Angel wanted to kill Fluttershy to appease his own ego. The backstory as to why Fluttershy didn't know that Dark was her brother can be pieced together very easily with the few details you gave us. Pinkie pulling out that piece of paper simply doesn't fit in with the logic of this universe at all, making that entire segment feel like awkward exposition. A quick way to fix it would be to give the job of exposition to Twilight's collection of otherwise restricted magical knowledge given to her by Celestia. Make Pinkie explain that she ate the fruit just before she started to stretch like rubber and put the exposition in a book about plants with magical properties along side the other Devil Fruits. I'm not saying you have to, but I think fixing up that portion there would benefit the story greatly.
Other than that small bit of inconsistent writing, this story is otherwise pretty good. It sets up a good roster of moves for Pinkie to use when she gets into a fight in the main storyline and is an entertaining story by itself. The grammar errors were more of what I mentioned during the other story's fight with Madara, but I did notice something kind of distracting at the beginning.
Every use if the word 'where' in this paragraph should say 'were.' I would also look into fixing up the beginning of the second-to-last sentence. I'm not sure what you were trying to say, but I am sure it's not that.
I enjoyed this quick story and hope you take my suggestions into consideration. I look forward to the next update.
The quick fix you gave to the portion I had a complaint about makes a decent amount of sense (at least when you consider that Pinkie is involved.) When she explained what the Gum-Gum Fruit is, it used to seem like it came out of nowhere, making that scene stick out like a sore thumb. Adding the sentence that explained that it was a Wikipedia page may not seem like much, but it does add a pretty cool idea. Her being able to pull up a Wikipedia article and the description of the story tells me that she has access to the internet via a pocket dimension in her nonexistent pockets (or maybe it's in her hair, I'm not entirely certain.) That is an entertaining concept. It also makes me think that she could use a power like that to confuse anyone she fights with pages taken from what is known as the dark part of the internet. You know, that shadowy place where things like Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory come from.
I'd say this rewrite of the chapter does its job to fill in plot holes pretty well. It's always nice when a writer is willing to go back and fix up a story they already wrote. I look forward to the next update.