Pinkie Pie, reality's "Blind Spot." Capable of impossible things, things that nopony would understand. That is, if they ever tried. Everypony gave up on figuring her out a long time ago, including Equestria's most notorious scholar, Twilight Sparkle.
Enter Discord. He senses something that should be impossible, even for him, and traces it back to Pinkie Pie. Then he does what he should have done back when he was first freed from stone.
A.N. Cover art by the talented Hei201 Featured on March 29th, 2015.
Chapters (23)
I have no idea why nopony thought of this. THIS. IS. BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!
Me too Pinkie. This sounds like it's going to be epic fun.
Hm. This sounds like it's going to be an interesting story. I'm more curious about who will go insane first than anything else.
let me know when this is complete yea? oh and if you want i could draw you a better cover photo, just ask and we'll talk
liked and followed. Let's see were this goes.
Pacing is a little bit too fast but if that is going to change over time this could become a pretty decent story.
5652868 I would love that. I went looking for Discord and Pinkie Pie pictures, but they were all shipping drawings.
It doesn't have to be anything fancy, just Pinkie Pie and Discord shaking hoof/paw on an agreement, both faces serious.
Sign me up!
i121.photobucket.com/albums/o222/lombardia1/131432836978.png
CHAOS ARMY!!!!!!
5653161 ok i'll see what i can do, don't hold your breath this could take a while
5653199 That's quite all right. I'm going to be at this for a while. Writing good chaos isn't easy.
A good day to thee, citizen. I pray that I find thee in good health. My purpose for coming here is to provide thee with mine impressions and thoughts on thy story, so that thou mayest understand where thou canst improve for future endeavors. Do note that, although I shall not go out of my way to debase thee or thy work, I shall also not hold back merely to avoid harming thy dignity. An author requireth thick skin, so that she mayeth withstand such criticism on a regular basis. Believe me, ‘tis for thine own well being.
With that said, we are off!
To start, I would like to address the opening scene, wherein Discord speaketh to himself, or rather, the lack of details and exposition. As far as I can tell, Discord standeth in a gray void, empty of anything, save for himself. Thou hast neglected to provide any details at all in regards to his surroundings. Is he in a castle? Perhaps a forest? It could even be a sewer, for all I know. Needless to say, thou needest provide more narrative to explain what is happening around him.
Also in this vein, thy prose telleth too much to the reader. For example:
‘Tis a bit too much telling of what exactly Discord hath on his mind. Thou wouldst do far better to attempt to show this through Discord’s dialogue, expressions, body language, behavior, etc. To be fair, this problem croppeth up less frequently as the chapter continueth, but ‘tis present nonetheless.
Then there is the dearth of exposition. Wherefore hath Discord decided, now of all times, to so closely analyze Pinkie Pie’s weirdness? Something happened in order to spur him to do so, but what in particular? Mayhaps she unwittingly foiled one of his schemes, or performed a series of would-be impossible feats in front of him. It maketh little sense for Discord to suddenly scrutinize her out of the blue.
Finally, there is the surreal quality of the scene itself. ‘Tis fairly clear that thou hast included it not because Discord would naturally stand by himself and soliloquy, but instead to provide the reader with the set-up for the rest of the story. In fact, this scene remindeth me of the plays of old, wherein an actor would come out and simply explain the backstory directly to the audience. However, while this plot worketh for such plays, ‘tis far less effective in written prose.
In the next scene, Discord arriveth in Ponyville and proceedeth to terrify the inhabitants therein.
I suggest that thou avoidest narrative like there, where thou addressest the reader directly. It removeth the reader from the story, something thou most certainly shouldst avoid.
Thou mayest be pleased to know that I appreciate the ponies' reaction to Discord’s appearance. ‘Tis characteristic of them to immediately flee his presence, so well done on that.
However, one thing that I did not like about this scene were the references to meta-jokes. For example:
Ooooh, I get it! Thou art part of a community that hath turned these things into memes! Huzzah, for I, too, understand the references! We both know that these are things! Is this not the greatest?
Thou wilt recall how, above, I mentioned that thou needest to avoid pulling the reader from the story. Well, things like this accomplish just that. ‘Twould be more to thy benefit to simply devise thine own dialogue and narrative lines in order to make the story feeleth more immersive.
Also, this pun: “customares”. Blegh.
Next, Discord maketh his way into the kitchen, where Pinkie Pie slaveth over a hot oven, and thou presentest me with the image of her plot sticking in the air. While the scene hath the potential for humor, ‘tis lessened when thou tellest the reader exactly what Discord thinketh in response. Please refer to mine advice earlier on showing such things, rather than simply telling them.
Anyway, he proceedeth to ask her a single question, which apparently ruineth her whole mood. ‘Tis quite unnatural, to say the least. Wherefore doth Discord ask such a thing, almost entirely out of the blue? I found it far too penetrating. The more natural dialogue would be several different lines, where he poketh and proddeth her until finally getting across everything he desireth to ask.
I also thought Pinkie’s reaction to be far too exaggerated. Unless ‘tis thy wish to portray her as a perpetually depressed pony who merely throweth on a smile to keep others from knowing, the transition from beaming cheer to complete and utter devastation over a single line of dialogue is too abrupt. I see where her mood beginneth and where it endeth, and I can believe that it could naturally make such a change. It just can’t be so quick.
That wrappeth up my larger concerns regarding the scenes, so now I shall move on to the characters.
Thy Discord is, while not wholly out of character, significantly more exaggerated than I can believe. Despite what he sayeth, there is a sort of rhythm to his madness. Whenever he maketh something bizarre occur, it often somehow relateth to the situation at hoof, and often in iconic ways. I did appreciate a few of the tricks that he performed, such as the straitjacket and the contract with Pinkie. However, some of the others, such as the “certificate of randomness”, struck me as far too silly and goofy.
I also would like a better idea of what the characters are feeling. How doth Discord feel about taking Pinkie on as an apprentice? Is he happy to have found someone similar to him? Is he resentful that she hath intruded upon what made him unique? Perhaps he is excited to share his magic with somebody else. ‘Tis important to relay this information (by showing, mind thee, not telling) so that the reader might understand.
This goeth for Pinkie, as well. If thou expandest the scene, thou shalt have much more chance to expand upon her feelings. As ‘tis now, her emotions shifteth back and forth between happy and sad. However, what is she thinking? This is just like with Discord, above. Is she excited to learn how to use her abilities? Does she look forward to showing them off to her friends? Things like this would make her feel much more like a living, breathing creature, rather than the cardboard cutout she is right now.
In finishing, author, I found that thou hast not written a bad story. It certainly lefteth me far less frustrated than I expected (often, these reviews leave me in dire need of a stiff drink). The elements are all present for a riveting, humorous tale. Thou needest simply expand upon thy characters, provide more narration (particularly descriptions of characters’ movements, actions, and whatnot), and elongate the dialogue so that it floweth more naturally, as one would expect a real conversation to play out. While these are not the only issues present, they are the ones I found most pressing.
I hope that this was of some help to thee, and wish thee luck in thy future writing endeavors.
5653480 Thank you for your advice. As I am an aspiring writer, instead of an actual one, I still have some kinks to work out of my style. I will take everything you said into consideration, and try to write a better opening, sine I do admit this one felt a little forced.
At the time of writing, I was a bit more concerned with making sure Discord's antics weren't a copy-paste of stuff we've seen in the show, so some other stuff slipped through the cracks.
P.S. Customares was a misspelling I left in when I realized what I'd wrote. And it's a major groaner.
You know what? I'm going to favor this just so I can read any blooming chapters that erupt up!
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I just edited the first chapter, you guys might want to read it again.
One other grammatical nit. You tell the story largely from a third person perspective, which makes one paragraph in particular jarring because it suddenly jumps to first person.
I walked? No, sir, I read. Discord walked.
5653849 Oh, thanks.
5653832 That was good!
Forgot the first "
5653902 Fixed.
5653832
Much better.
Still not perfect yet but the pacing feels much more even.
It now emanates a sense or things to come.
Actually that's interesting. Your first version felt like a one-shot.
This one feels like the overture to a multi-chapter story. Well done.
I think first chapters are important as they set the pacing and the tone for everything else to come.
And I'm sure there will be much coming. The last thing that would make it perfect would be to spend more time on Discord's and Pinkies emotions.
For example the change from Pinkie being Pinkie to being sad and back to being full of wonder and hope when signing the contract.
I assume the story should stay in Discords perspective but it would be a good addition to show Pinkies expectations or at least how she is expecting things how she is looking forward to the things to come. Discord was thinking about bating her. That as contrast to her hope would make for a wonderfully dreadful sense of foreboding. Which, of course, you can completely dismiss should Discord find out that he actually likes to teach Pinkie and wants her to be happy.
To make things short: You improved the qualities of immersion and suspense through pacing by magnitude. But you have still room to do the same for the emotional part. Which is just as important because it is the element through which we relate to characters and through which we develop a personal relationship and personal thoughts and head-canons to a story.
P.S.: Okay.. Seeing how much I have talked about how to improve the story I only see to conclusions as to why I should possibly do that.
1.: I'm not thinking clearly since it's already past 1AM in Germany.
2.: I see enough potential in your story and you as author that I deem it worth the effort.
Probably the second one^^
Have fun writing the story. I'll certainly have it reading.
5653926 Thanks for the advice. I'll admit, emotions are not my strong suit, so pointing out they need work is a big help.
5653832 i havn't even read it once yet...... im waiting for it to be done or at least half way
Ah. It's great to see Blueblood get pranked.
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Well after re-reading the first opening chapter... I still stand by my decision to not miss a single chapter! BRING FORTH THE GLORIOUS CREATIVITY! PREPARE THE ANTI-SLAAD PIE TINS FOR COMBAT! INITIATE PROTOCOL PI!
Hmmm, my lawyer informs me I need to tone it down or no soda tonight... Carry on fine author.
Oh, wow. This is excellent! Can't wait for more.
Of course. Shining and Cadance are good parents, they're just shocked senseless from suddenly being parents.
5655145 I'll cover that next chapter, regardless of what I told you.
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I agree and have to step back on my earlier comment.
If this is the stories format. A episodic gag-thingy. Than we truly don't need the more emotional aspects.
Well done!
5655153 Yayz!
I like this.
As far as how no one has done this before, it was a side note in my story Harbinger of the Apocolypse before I took it down. So in short, because the only ones epic enough to think of it were too bad of writers to pull it off. I am happy to find a good writer doing and look forward to reading the rest of the chapters.
You missed a word.
5662911 fixed.
This is quite funny. I will say I was leaning more towards a Pinkie x Discord, but this'll still work.
5663862 I'll admit, this was the perfect setup for a Discord X Pinkie story. but I just wasn't feeling anything beyond friendship for them. And considering what I wrote for Discord X Celestia as a comparison, if I had taken that path it probably would have fallen flat. As just friends, they stand out.
I CHALLENGE YOU TO BREAK MY BRAIN!
5663912 Very well. >::::)
5663943 Applied magical theory. I am perfectly aware that a chapter of nothing but a world building lecture isn't going to cut it.
5663949 Oh, what?
It was just a joke about Murphy's Law! But I think it would be funny if the first half was actually that.
Predictability only makes chaos more chaotic.
Absolutely loving this!!!
Your choice of music was phenomenal.
I just have one itsy-bitsy critique
.
Be careful of grouping separate dialogue together. You want to keep speakers separate.
Otherwise, I have nothing to say but, Excellent work.
Also, love the new cover photo
I need Pinkie to set up all my dates!
P.S.
should be "the crown, whose weight"
Please come this way to see me the psychiatrist Celestia.
You say Pinkie Pie is becoming a Chaos user? Have her take out the uppity nobles nobody cares about them.
There! Killing ponies problem solved!
I'd just quit being friends with Twilight, if I was Pinkie. I hate that mare.
"Your
needs a period.
5678163 And, fixed.
did you mean Luna?
you also said princes instead of princess in the line,
5678335 Yes, I do. Lulu sounds way more like a nickname than a real name, so I gave her a real name. If you like, I could make it more obvious.
Oh dear, I do hate literary rants, one sided arguments, and conveniently justified anger, they just get me down so, and angst brings me out in a rash. Still, at least it was a canon supported rant, and not some gibberish made up on the spur of the moment, and involved no all caps of any kind.
Kudos to you sir. I'll continue following this with interest and amusement.
Pinkie Pie randomness overload. Phase 1, completed
Flash Sentry?! YAY!!!
(whistled cheerfully while searching pitchforks and torches)
DARLING, I think you need a new blazing style!
I'm too confused to post a proper review.