Quick Silver was born in a place sealed in a rift in space. There he was raised and lived a normal life. After his family was murdered he is sent to live with his aunt in a town called Ponyville. Upon his arrival he learns that his abilities are not normal. Throughout his stay he listens to a voice telling him that an evil born before light is looking for him. Further explanation shows the reason is it is looking for a host and his most darkest secret is why it wants him. Even he doesn't know his fathers history and finding out maybe the only way to survive. The problem is he must risk body, mind, and soul to discover a lost magical power that could put the world and light itself as we know it at jeopardy. However he wont be alone all seven of his friends and one dragon will help and discover that they also play a role in this event.
With this new arrival Princess Twilight Sparkle believes that harmony and friendship will prevail over this evil but when Discords soul is found trapped inside of a book, she begins to realize she was wrong. Fluttershy then comes to the castle of friendship to exclaim she saw Discord spying on the new colt in town even though Discords soul is trapped within the bindings of the book.
Teen rating because there will be ponyfied cussing and some fights but no blood. There will be a lot of characters and reveals of past secrets Quick Silver will learn about his family. Cross over because of a few game references (Final Fantasy V and Bleach) also a few of my own incantations their is eight and they are titled: Firo (Fire), Hydrin (Water), Terron (Earth), Areis (Air), Holyigus (Light), Shomora (Dark), Tempral (Time), and Vortexum (Space)
Please feel free to leave comments they will be greatly appreciated.
Heh. Good story so far. I don't understand all the dislikes but I gotta say this will be a good one! Quick Silver kinda reminds me of one the OC's I thought of. Uhh what was it again... oh right! Hydraulics! But leave that aside. I gotta say if you turn this story down the right path you can get as many views as you can! Like and Fav.
Another Gary Stu OC with a dark past and special powers? Next.
1) Pacing -
The pace of the story is too fast, too compact, there is not enough time to really understand and to see the world that you as an author have created.
2) Backstory -
Not a good idea to straight up introduce the character through a wall of text. There is no reason to follow the character's story if I know everything about him from the get go. The wall of text also puts people off the story. We are not drawn into the story and no interest in the character is created.
3) Character design -
You have put in effort to design your character, too much effort, your character has crossed the line into gary stuness. A character that is so Overpowered of over idealised to the point where the character is just a 2-d cutout. Nothing that interests people into wanting to know more about your character.
Don't be too eager to power up your character, take the time to really think of things like strengths and weaknesses, balance them out so that your character isn't some RPG avatar. Give the character a less over the top backstory, for example, my character's back story is that he loved fighting, and in doing so hurt a lot of people and now he wants to change.
For your character, maybe make it such that he was ostracized because of his wings and lead on from there. Rather than being the survivor of some random meteor from heaven.
4) World building -
Virtually non-existent, why does your character have wings that fold forward? What are the rules of magic? Is it common for the ponies in your world to tote weapons like swords? Build your world, flesh out the details, this will then give you a framework to properly develop your character, rather than just giving arbitrary rules and powers. One good offender is the Bleach Manga series, don't be like them.
5) - Action
For action, less is better. one of two words for combat spells is good enough. For example, just say 'Firo #83, Pompeii' instead of reciting some long nursery rhyme. If you want to rhyme, make sure you properly build it up because the longer the rhyme, the closer it edges into the dramatic rather than action. Take the Dresden files for example, spells in that story are thrown fast and furious when fighting. Same thing should be done here.
I think you should scrap this story and rewrite, think about your world, build it up, set the rules, than center your story and character around these rules.
Think up a plausible character, flaws and strengths, skills and weaknesses and motivations. This I can't really tell you how, only by research and practice would good characters be born.
research, research, research. Watch my little pony or read the wiki, so that you would know how to fit your character into the world and the other canon established characters.
>> chbedok
Thank you for your advice and your keen eye. Please don't think I am being sarcastic when writing this because like I said this is my first time writing and I wanted to try it out. I will continue to write this story, because I made a promise to make it. I will take your advice to heart and use it to improve this story and make any future story's I will do in the future better.
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