My name is Quick Silver and I am nine years old. I am a Pegasus colt that cannot fly because my bones aren’t hollow and my wings are what’s called flipped feathered meaning my wings don’t bend like they normally should they act more like a second pair of forelegs. My coat is a simmering opal color and my mane and tail are a spider-web silver. I tend to keep it long as my mom says it looks better long. My eyes are a brilliant amber color. I was born in a small village called Meteor Meadow’s and never left it. The village ran off an elder policy, the elder was wisest in the village and he always had the last say in any major decision. The elder explained that the village was sealed in a rift in space so no outsider could enter only he had the power needed to send people out.
It started off as a normal day I went to school and when I came home my world was decimated. I walked in on my family laying there gone, lifeless. I ran throughout the house hoping to find someone ok and breathing. Every corpse I passed made me feel hopeless, and no room I ran into showed sings of a survivor. Everywhere I looked the sky blue walls where stained crimson and shadows clung to the little rubies that clung to the walls.
The elder then explained that I now needed to go live with my mother’s sister, some mare named Ditzy. He would transport me there when I was ready. With only Ōrora to remember my family I close my eyes and tell him I am ready to go.
I open my eyes and check to see if Ōrora came through with me. My hoof runs up the sheath and makes contact with the hilt. The door in front of me swings open and I come nose to nose with a young filly maybe nine with a blond mane and lavender-greyish coat. I see the yellow orbs widen in surprise and I try to be friendly. “Hell-. “ My mouth is suddenly sealed shut.
I hear a near screaming, “MOM!” After a few minutes an older looking mare comes into view and I see she looks similar to my mom.
“Quick Silver? What are you doing here? Where is Flare Strike and Silver Wind?” My head looks down at the mention of my parents as my ears nearly fall off and hit the ground.
“If you know him could you let him in?” My eyes widen at the sound of the stallions voice. He is brown with a dark brown mane and for the life of me can’t figure out why he is wearing a tie.
Siting waiting for them to return while being starred at by a filly you can tell has questions is not fun. Finally they come back and the mare speaks,"My sister was killed? I did not know, I am very sorry. You can live here with us my name is Ditzy but most call me Derpy that is your cousin Dinky and he is my husband you may call him the Doctor. The Doctor has a few questions for you, you may choose to answer them or not.”
“First is about that thing, why do you have it?” He pointed at Ōrora.
I responded,” My dad was a blacksmith back home. We were at the village hospital and a meteor landed in the back yard the night of my birth. The next day he opened it up because they are common there and he said inside was a cluster of crystal that glowed with every hue of the rainbow. So he worked and when I turned five he gave me the finished product telling me I would always be safe as long as I had it.”
He took a moment to process it then asked,” Now with your wings?”
I smiled I knew this was coming," the joint is flipped. You know how a regular joint faces front when closed? Well mine faces my flank.”
“The letter also mentioned school, do you have special needs or do you prefer home schooling?” He asked me trying to be polite.
I tried not to laugh as I responded, “public school is fine.”
Ditzy told me and Dinky to go play while they talked. I followed Dinky because she told me she wanted me to meet her friends. I trotted till we came upon a house in a giant tree. We entered and I gazed upon three fillies and colts. The fillies she introduced: one butter yellow with red mane and a bow as Apple Bloom, an alabaster unicorn with a two toned mane as Sweetie Bell, and an orange pegasus with a purple mane and little wings as Scootaloo. The colts she introduced as: a light grey almost white pegasus with a dark mane as Rumble, a brown colt with a darker brown mane as Button Mash, and an alabaster pinto colt with brown blotches and a brown mane as Pipsqueak. She explains that they are her friends. They all take turns saying hi then we are interrupted by the house being attacked.
Apple Bloom suddenly screams, “Timberwolves” and they all take off running and Apple Bloom trips on a root and has a small bruise appear on her foreleg.
I stand there feeling an old instinct takes over. Without thinking I start reciting a spell my dad said to only use in emergency. Tears of fallen, blood of loved ones past and present. Join together and rain smoke as one, restore the heart of this land by burning those who accept darkness and heal those who embrace the light, Firo #83 Pompeii. . As I finish everypony around stares in amazement as lava falls from the sky and all the Timberwolves perish as everypony feels revitalized by the rain touching them even the bruise on Apple Bloom’s leg disappearing. As I turn to look at them they stare in bewilderment. “What?” is my response to their faces.
“How did you do that Quick Silver?” Dinky asked me and I realize I have some explaining to do.
Heh. Good story so far. I don't understand all the dislikes but I gotta say this will be a good one! Quick Silver kinda reminds me of one the OC's I thought of. Uhh what was it again... oh right! Hydraulics! But leave that aside. I gotta say if you turn this story down the right path you can get as many views as you can! Like and Fav.
Another Gary Stu OC with a dark past and special powers? Next.
1) Pacing -
The pace of the story is too fast, too compact, there is not enough time to really understand and to see the world that you as an author have created.
2) Backstory -
Not a good idea to straight up introduce the character through a wall of text. There is no reason to follow the character's story if I know everything about him from the get go. The wall of text also puts people off the story. We are not drawn into the story and no interest in the character is created.
3) Character design -
You have put in effort to design your character, too much effort, your character has crossed the line into gary stuness. A character that is so Overpowered of over idealised to the point where the character is just a 2-d cutout. Nothing that interests people into wanting to know more about your character.
Don't be too eager to power up your character, take the time to really think of things like strengths and weaknesses, balance them out so that your character isn't some RPG avatar. Give the character a less over the top backstory, for example, my character's back story is that he loved fighting, and in doing so hurt a lot of people and now he wants to change.
For your character, maybe make it such that he was ostracized because of his wings and lead on from there. Rather than being the survivor of some random meteor from heaven.
4) World building -
Virtually non-existent, why does your character have wings that fold forward? What are the rules of magic? Is it common for the ponies in your world to tote weapons like swords? Build your world, flesh out the details, this will then give you a framework to properly develop your character, rather than just giving arbitrary rules and powers. One good offender is the Bleach Manga series, don't be like them.
5) - Action
For action, less is better. one of two words for combat spells is good enough. For example, just say 'Firo #83, Pompeii' instead of reciting some long nursery rhyme. If you want to rhyme, make sure you properly build it up because the longer the rhyme, the closer it edges into the dramatic rather than action. Take the Dresden files for example, spells in that story are thrown fast and furious when fighting. Same thing should be done here.
I think you should scrap this story and rewrite, think about your world, build it up, set the rules, than center your story and character around these rules.
Think up a plausible character, flaws and strengths, skills and weaknesses and motivations. This I can't really tell you how, only by research and practice would good characters be born.
research, research, research. Watch my little pony or read the wiki, so that you would know how to fit your character into the world and the other canon established characters.