Octavia and Vinyl are both invited to a major event, Little do they know they will both be there; when they find out they don't like the competition and sharing of the spotlight so problems stir and what unfolds is for you to find out!
Chapters (4)
- Member Since 19th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Sep 14th, 2015
Cobalt Shine
I am a somewhat new writer here, with the help of SilverShadowThePegasus I make fanfictions If you want to actually speak to me let me know and ill add you on skype
Cobalt Shine
Joined 19th Mar, 2012 ·
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Oh, um,
All right. First off, let me give you some pretty sound advice. This is probably the best anyone can ever give you here: Get a proofreader. Please, I beg of you. I saw capitalization errors, punctuation errors, formatting errors, etc.
Also, this may just be my preference, but try indenting your paragraphs. It makes it easier - for me at least - to read. Try double spacing too; when you have a scene break/shift, it's probably best to use something like *** or ~~~, or anything of the sort. Double space your paragraphs for easier reading, and add those in scene breaks to make them clearer.
On a different not, this felt fast. I could easily see this being stretched out into at least 1,000 more words at least. At least. Take your time, no need to rush it. Honestly, that end scene where the two see each other and start arguing could have been more detailed, with a bit more words spewed. Not just 'I see you, you see me, I hate you, wham'. That's rather unrealistic, especially at a high-society party.
Other than that, this is interesting. I'm not sure what you're doing with it yet, but I'll be paying attention nonetheless.
I agree with Lynked.
Get a glubbin' proofreader!
Other than that, it's quite fascinating!
Yeah, you should get a proofreader, as the two above mentioned already.
I would offer to do it, but I have my hands full with other stories. I would advise you look into some of the author groups and ask for help.
Yes I agree, with you all but detail is my worst skill I will fix as much as possible, also I did write this all by mobile and we all know how that would turn out when I get home I will rewrite
it
As the others said, it felt rushed and there were many, many grammatical mistakes. I usually don't mind, but this was pretty bad. I was pleading for a comma to be at some spots. Other than that, it's fine I suppose. Keep it going, but improve on this.
Just as a random other little tid bit, since I'm apparently in a nit picking mood. In Vinyl's letter from the Shines, it doesn't actually say it's from the Shines. I guess by the address she could assume it's from them, but it's not like Octavia's, where it actually says, "Yours truly, Mr. and Mrs. Shine".
She resplonded. I don't think that was intentional, but it sounds awesome!
451048 as i said before this was on my phone the resplonded thing, i once said that i responded and exploded at someone
451034 buck your right, how did i forget that
By Celestia's beard man, what happened to getting a proofreader?
You probably want to get a editor of sorts. The current state is pretty hard to read through.
455884 i cant get one, but did you like the new chapter? 455886
455891 Yes, I did
. But it was...hard to read. And why can't you get one? There's an abundance out there.
455905 well can you?
please???, and I cannot find one like at the time being also did i mention im in year 11 and the worst english class....
P.S how awesome is that music hey!
455911 I'll send you a pm.
455928 cool
W.T.F.
456175 what? good or bad?
456184
Haven't gotten past my shock enough to make value judgements yet
protip: if the venue is doublebooked, it is frowned upon to settle who plays by the means of deathmatch, talking with the host and possibly contacting your manager is usually more appropriate
456274 i can ruin the story for you if you like in a pm (the ending is not what you think)
456368
please don't, i'll wait and see how it goes and decide on wether to thumbs up or not later.
It seems too blunt and, I dont wanna say unrealistic, cuz I bet this could easily happen in real life, but it feels like there wasn't much thought into it. Just like, "They don't like each other......cat fight, bad names, go go!". I really didn't thoroughly read it, just skimmed it and saw curse words and ROYAL CANTERLOCK. Might just be that I hate to read stories of my favorite couple fighting, with a few exceptions, but I didn't like this chapter.
463259 it gets explained later on, i always seem to do that
For now everypony Bob Dylan
You've got a good idea, it just seems really rushed with little thought put into it. Slow the pace, add more detail and try to explain things. I'm not really sure why vinyl hates tavi.
464930 GAH, you'll find out later
definately tracking this one. good work!
This is a good one, even 5 times better than mine
. Because I haven't got a good grammar, I'll only criticize the story. It got a good storyline, but there are some un-explainable part. I agree with Lynwen, you sure rush some part that we can't see the details. And some misplaced commas, you should re-read(proof read it again). But overall, good story, pretty fun climax, the fight scene ( I like it but a it was bit rushed ), worth a like and fav
Aha! It's readable now! Only kidding, but you should have asked for us to help you earlier!
Interesting read, and a pleasure to edit. Good job
479364 Thanks
you and McYav did a great job editing i cant thank you both enough 
Oh that stallion, a troll by nature
Loved how it ended, and that last chapter was actually well written, so congratulations! 
479382 Thanks again, you are all so great :D, should i attempt an alternate ending (evil
) and submit to EqD or not that good?
479390 I honestly don't know what the standards are on there, but with a solid alternate ending, I don't see why you shouldn't attempt to have it featured. I only read on this site
Also, Mr. shine is just a colt...? Hmm... By this I mean, shouldn't he be a stallion?
481841 i know i know i was confused since my other story
481851
This story is... interesting... but I like these two in love... not killing each other... heh...
481929 exactly thats why i mixed it up
So far so good keep it up
Review: [Link]
561808 I cant get that cause im on school internet(I have no Internet
) and its blocked perhaps a pm?
please
565548 Ehh...(looks back at review)...I'll summarize it. I said that you needed to work on your character backgrounds. Your story will hold more weight if you do.
Also, I added this picture: imagemacros.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/you_gonna_get_raped_retro.jpg