liondragon
Joined 10th Apr, 2012 ·
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Ye-ouch! that's like dragging your eyes over a cheese grater.
Would you kindly, place your story into paragraphs.
467436
now better in the first i can't find that much differed paragraph
Please, do not write anything as long as I am still alive
1478114 as long as what?
It's like you ate a dictionary and barfed it all over the internet.
Completely random words in a big, disgusting puddle.
1799798 this isnt constructive this is rather rude
1799879 i am not willing to delete this story. It still is and will always stay a story i will tell. but i might alter somethings.
I... I can't... I don't... This is so bad, I'm impressed. Well played, sir.
3018437 what is so bad please also say if something was good.
3018559
Well, let's go over a bit, shall we? Keep in mind, I couldn't make it past the first chapter. As you have heard before, there is no paragraph structure. That makes it extremely difficult to read. On top of that, your sentence structure leaves much to be desired. I have to stop and re-read sentences constantly to try and understand what you're trying to convey.Your spelling could definitely use some work, (Than used for then, Aquastria, whit etc.). There is no real exposition, the characters appear out of nowhere to spew their lines. And the Phoenix/Dragon/Lion thing is a bit gary stu, wouldn't you say? It's painfully obvious it's a character from a fanfiction. Judging by all of this, I can only assume you are either
1. Very young, in which case, keep trying~ This is gonna go right on the fridge, right where everyone can see it.
2.Trolling. I can't really believe this though, since it has been going on for so long.
or 3. Dyslexic maybe? I'm actually pretty impressed with your punctuation, it's worlds ahead of your other facets of writing. I'm not saying you should stop, but for the love of god, get a proof reader or someone to bounce chapters against. Good luck~
3018559
Oooooh, English isn't your first language. Okay, that makes sense. Again, I can only recommend a proofreader.
3018604 its number three and i am dutch and well don't have normal logic. maybe just skip chapter 1 it is actually the worst one in my eye's this one was already proof read by the way but the guy doesn't say much about it.
sorry edetet some shit