a new bureau has opened up in Utah's dixie, St George.
the manager is a tall skinny english Doctor who likes to speak in giberish and his pony counterpart.
his main goal is to hear the stories of all those who pass through his bureau.
or die trying.
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the story is nice, the concept of doctor-meeting-doctor interesting, but you should get a (better) proofreader, there are a LOT of errors with capitalization, homonyms and layout.
again, nice story, but the technical details make it hard to read.
Hmm, some minor grammatical problems. Proper names need capitalization.
"The Doctor" is an entirely different narrative element than "the doctor."
Unless you are e e cummings, or archy and mehitobel, capitalization is important.
thanks for the comments.
and sorry about all the massive mistakes.
i dont really like to use capitals and apostrophies and commas a lot. it makes the other letters sad.
on a more serious note i dont really have a proof-reader. i am more trying to.. get the idea out on paper (as it were) before i forget it.
170148
I may not be a professional proofreader, but mind if I try my hand at it? I think I can check the first few chapters, send you the new version after which you can decide what to do with them.
>>ray10k
sure! that would be great.
Btw, glad to see you're having fun with this - but yes, you need to fire your current/previous proofreader.
out of a cannon.
to the moon.
Read a lot more, see how it's done right, and learn the basics - once you've got that, everything else will follow. Capitalization, punctuation, sentence structure - to ignore these rules and conventions takes a defter hoof than yours. having said that, practice makes perfect, you just need a lot of practice.
Gonna have to second Hilltopper. It's a great story, but you're just embarrassing yourself here. You're better than this. There's also one or two tense usage issues in the first chapter.
Could you put spaces between paragraphs too? It makes the story much easier to follow. (Every time you start a new paragraph, hit "Enter" twice.)
gonna write a whole bunch of comments here for starters everything feels lumped together sometimes its hard to follow because you have sentences describing more than two ponies in them and then that sentence is followed up by the word he and i dont know who he is who is he
You would have a lot more readers if you could clean up this fic. I can actually see this on the front page. The story is good. Done reading for now sadly, I can't follow this without headache. Good luck on your fic.
172421
coming from you midnight that is a great thing
as for the proof-reader.. i did not have one and techically still dont have one.
but this right now is to get it out on paper. i will fancy it up later.
>>steben
i am trying my best and with me i usually fall back on which point of view i was focusing on the most.
usually it is human ten but as that chapter tosses in Victor it could also be him.
i will try harder and also include the doublespace... if i remember.
172583
okay. ray10k has become a "post proofreader" so i will make sure his fixes are put in the story after i edit it. so far he has done the full first episode (chapters 1&2)
so lets give him a grand YAY!
3rd line has a missed cappitalization
175165
fixed
Rainbow Spring... Foal of Rainbow Dash and Pinky Pie thanks to magical shenanigans?
175931
no. it is more of a OC that one of my friends created.
If you ever need a listening program, my audio sensors are always open. I have to go search for suprise. she and i have some .PRNK file sharing to do.
i think i just went from liking this story to not understanding. whats all this about programs, .prnk files, and other stuff along those lines? if those are humans then why do i suddenly feel like this is some big sim program?
176475
thats just the way G4L1ND4 talks.. she is a tech head and i was trying to show that through how she talks.
she basically said "if you need someone to listen. my ears are open. now i need to go find suprise. she and i have some pranking to do."
i am trying to keep her language simple yet high tech..
175931 176103
And I'm helping a bit with where my characters are involved
176954
Doctor, meet Doctor Whooves
this is so cool
Sorry to say, but this is kinda badly written.
189324
the origional script is yes. My part. BUT ray10k is doing amazing things. i dig the diamonds and he crafts them into armor.
I just started tracking your story; with so many on the site, it can be hard to find things sometimes.
I am enjoying this.
I once lived in St. George for six months. Loved the orange-red martian rocks. Used to go out into the desert back then. There was this place, about a mile or two out from where I lived (trailer park, my dad made maps so we moved a lot, this would have been, like 1973 or something) that was like some kind of Martian city made of out of that bright, orange-red rock. It was awesome.
Hated the religious nuts. Fuck. Just... Fuck. And the teachers I had were severe. Wow.
But I loved that red desert.
Keep going. You are doing swell.
196676
well there is a few places that the rust red would be in abundance.
Toquerville
santa clara
LaVerkin
or hurricane.
and thank you chat.
(OMGOMGOMGOMG
both chat and midnight commenting on my story!)
Wow. Just wow.
200316
this amp can go up to 'leven.
(thanks)
200316
Wow as in "Wow, that is bad!", or Wow as in "Wow, that is good!" ?
202388
Wow, GOOD!
202388
Actually, I wanted to do better than just 'good yay.'
You have taken the ideas and constructs from the Bureau mythos - including a lot of my own contributions, and woven them brilliantly together. With regard to my observation that souls are magic by definition, and that Earth is a profoundly low-to-zero magic universe, you have done a brilliant job with the scene between the living deities of Equestria and the poor little newfoal and the constructed image of her old unreal god. That was amazing, and the Celestia and Luna I imagine would be so kind if they felt the situation demanded it, to do such a thing to ease a newfoal through her Conversion.
I am sorry I didn't say more before; you are writing with all of your heart and mind, and I can see that. I was not friendly to fail to say more than I did.
I want to say I appreciate your effort, and that you are telling an interesting story. I want to encourage you because I want to see more. And I want to say I liked what you did there, and what you are doing.
202489
In real life, I tend to have problems gauging what people mean when they say something, so I often ask questions for clarification, hence my previous post.
In regard to your kind words, Thank you. It means a lot to me to hear that there are people who like what I've made, and I'll most definitely try my hand at writing again.
202489
yeah. the chapter before was up to me. i had to leave the "mythical" pathways open for those who wanted to take that route.
but Ray brilliantly took what i wrote and advanced it to a point where i could not beleave.
it is like i built a quicksand deathtrap and he added spiders, snakes, spikes, and aligators hanging from the roof!
"few more muscles than shoppin’ till your card gets blocked" I liked that line.
'Satellite Dish' many LOL's were womanfully had.
The 'ginger' reference was nice, too.
SIR! weve detected a continuity error down in sector 3J
aww f*** is it that idiot timelord again?
umm let me check. *leafs through pages* initial reports say yes sir.
.....i hate my job..... well lets mobilize a team...
actually management wants us to simply observe for now.
WHAT.
205606
Whats the error so i can look into it and maybe fix it?
205474
the ginger refrence is mine but "satalite dish" was brought in by ray10k
(aparantly he got it from you ).
You need to fire your editors. Out of a cannon. At the moon.
Check your tenses, check your structure, both are awful. The story is interesting, however.
Please read the omnibus and the writing guides from EqD, they cover a lot of these things, and learn what good structure is because the above doesn't have it.
216473
kind of feeling under the weather today...
but i can reply to this with a quote.
Idris: Me. Are you going to steal me. You have stolen me. You are stealing me. Oh! Tenses are difficult, aren't they?
(kudos if you get the refrence.
216966
My comment probably sounded harsher than I intended - you need to do a lot of work on your fic for it to measure up, but I am enjoying the story. The basics aren't too hard, you just need to keep trying to better yourself. You break into present tense a lot where you should be using past tense, and you prematurely end lines in odd places. You also tend to mix up which ponies are speaking.
Watch out for that, but do keep on writing.
And sorry, right now I don't get the quote.
216993
hmm, I thought I got most of the tense errors out of there.
Where did you run into any?
217633
All over every chapter, to be honest - I don't (sadly) have time for a rewrite or even time to pick them all out, because there are so many.
216993
i understand and i possibly sounded harsher too.
i will look into that and see if i can spot any and hopefully i can.
if you are wondering the refrence is from "Doctor Who: The Doctors Wife"
216993
Where are ponies mixed up? I've been reading the story the whole time, the only thing I have to say about improving the chat might be to make sure each character is on a separate line/paragraph. That's a note for many stories though, since I've seen multiple stories by different people placing 2 or more people into the same line or paragraph of talking.
Aside from that note which I'm not entirely sure is needed I find the story to be awesome.
220130
I think it's mostly just the formatting - yes, make sure that you don't have two ponies speaking in the same paragraph.
Honestly, the biggest problem is (or at least was) with the sudden shifts to present tense.
God damn. That was so real.
Because humans do that, have done that, and in some parts of the world, are doing that right now.
Which is why it works in the story, of course, because we know our own species very well, all of us, don't we?
Some say Conversion Bureau stories are misanthropic. No. Just authentic.
Well written. Very disturbing.
You got my character's reactions down to a tee. good job.
I'm Sales for anyone who is wondering, and I'm loving the story so far.
234863
well as ray10k said..
writing for the villains is fun.
235986
well yeah.. i do know the generals of how you would react
237154 hehe yup.
The line about the taste confuses me, did Victor mention it at any time?
other than that it was really good. I already mentioned in private about the grammar earlier on.
276864
he was bound to.. and depending on how well people pay attention it is known.
276869
The confusion came from the reactions in previous chapters, and expecting similar this time, hehehe
I thought it would be cherries, but strawberries are red too. This could be exquisite fun.