Sweet Guano Acres

by EarthbendingProdigy

The Number Two Priority

"Go on git, I can handle the dishes, just go to the field." Granny Smith said to Big Mac as she shooed them out of the kitchen.
Cleaning up after a meal was like the meal itself normally a family affair, but with Applebloom running late for school and Sweet Apple Acres being as short-handed as it, was the sooner things got started the more that could get finished.

"Applejack, ain't it guano harvestin' day?" Big Mac reminded Applejack as they started to walk out the door.

"Consarnit, of all the days, why did today hafta be Wednesday?"

Applejack was no stranger to getting her hooves dirty; mud, dirt and sometimes even dung were part of the job of being a farmer, but even she knew that she couldn't stand the putrid odor without a gas mask.

"Are any of your other friends coming today?" Big Mac asked.

Before Applejack could answer, a familiar rainbow maned figure flew overheard and cried out "hey Applejack I am here! I hope I am not late."

"Nnnnnnnnnope" Big Mac answered.

"What am I helping with today? Bucking apples? Building a barn? Are we..."

"Nnnnnnnnope," Big Mac interrupted.

"It is THAT day, isn't it?" Rainbow Dash frowned, and shook her head in disappointment.

"Ah am afraid so, Rainbow Dash." Applejack confirmed.

"Uh, yeah look at the time, I gotta go um go do something else." Rainbow Dash muttered as she was getting ready to fly off.

"Hold it there partner, ya promised." Applejack reminded her

"Sorry Applejack, it will have to be some other time. Tank is very sick and uh, I need to take him to the vet, and cover somepony at the weather factory..." Rainbow Dash muttered as she kept fishing for excuses.

"If ya'll think ya can't handle a few bat droppin's, I can always get somepony else to help."

"I didn't say I couldn't handle it, I just said I was busy today." Rainbow Dash rationalized as she tried to save face.

"Yer not chicken are ya?" Applejack taunted as she performed her best impression of a chicken.

Applejack didn't usually resort to school yard taunts, but she was desperate for help and using Rainbow Dash's own ego against her was the only way she could think of to get it. Pinkie Pie eagerly helped Applejack last guano harvesting day, but it didn't take long for all the poop jokes such as calling guano harvesting day the "number two priority" to get on her nerves, and nopony else wanted to go anywhere near the guano especially Rarity.

"No but..."

"I dare you to do it." Applejack huffed as she put her hoof down.

"You're on."

Applejack lead the way to a grove full of bats trees with bats hanging from trees.

"How much can come out of one bats ass?" Rainbow Dash asked bluntly marveling at the dried up apples and seemingly never ending guano on the floor.

"This ain't anywhere near all of them, most of them are in that cave over there." Applejack said as she pointed to a large cave.

"We are working today, and those lazy bats are asleep while we are literally cleaning up their crap?" Rainbow Dash said indignantly

"Bats are nocturnal critters, meanin' that they sleep during the day and are active at night." Applejack replied as she tried not to face hoof.

"I suppose the important thing is, we don't have to smell any of it." Rainbow Dash remarked in gratitude.

"Please don't remind me, anyhow, the first thing we are gonna do is to gather up that thar guano. We are gonna use high powered hoses to break up the guano that dried up, and use a tool called an 'edger' to push the guano into that concrete trench over there." Applejack explained

"Has that trench and that building always been there?" Rainbow Dash asked as she pointed to a large, factory like building.

"No, what all this is for is gonna make more sense once I show ya. Just hold tight while I get what we need." Applejack explained as she went inside the building.

It didn't take long for Applejack to bring out the supplies.

"Alright, I just had a thought this'll go much faster if one of us uses the hose, and the other one uses the edger to push."

"Let me guess, I am going to shovel the shit am I?" Rainbow Dash frowned

"Exactly"

Applejack released the valve and fired up the hose, it broke through the guano much like a sledge hammer breaking through concrete.

"Whoa, where did you get those? I thought only the fire department had them." Rainbow Dash looked on in amazement.

"I bought em from them, are ya gonna sit there and do nothin' or are ya here to help?" Applejack asked indignantly.

"Oh, right sorry." Rainbow Dash apologized as she started the unpleasant task ahead of her.

Bad memories of a job Rainbow Dash took as a teenage filly, cleaning elephant cages at a zoo, came back to her almost as if they happened yesterday. The poop was not as heavy, but there was more of it than she could have possibly imagined.
Despite those unpleasant circumstances, she did still keep her sense of humor, as she often chuckled at the irony of being mired in dung to avoid getting into "deep shit" with management. Though some of her humor was a tad cynical, case in point was often stating the letter "F" should be removed from the word "shift".

Rainbow Dash may not have not have been getting paid for helping Applejack (not that it was all that much anyway), but unlike that old job she at least felt as if she was accomplishing something. She may have tried to come up with every excuse in the book to avoid it but seeing the sheer volume of excrement made her realize just how much help Applejack needed.

Since Applejack had the faster, easier job it took an hour or so until she joined Rainbow Dash in pushing the poo poo. It took hours of tedious, exhausting work but the trench was finally full.

"Oh shit, just how much more of this are we gonna have to put in there?" Rainbow Dash asked dejected as she saw enough guano to fill that same trench at least 5 more times.

"Nice work, that is about as much as we are gonna put in today. Thanks to you I was able to finish this in half the time." Applejack smiled as she admired their work.

Rainbow Dash never knew Applejack to leave a job unfinished, especially to this extent. She had heard the phrase "shit happens" before, but not like this. Not even during that one day at her old job, when the new zoo keeper gave a constipated elephant way too much laxative, though her boss being in the crossfire was more than worth unpleasant experience of practically drowning in doo doo.

"I am confused, you told this was all done in one day but it is not done?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"That is why ay'm tryin' to hire some farmhands, Twilight is comin' over today fer lunch and she is gonna help me organize a hirin' event at Sweet Apple Acres. For now the best I can do is to just get enough guano cleared to go to whatever Apple Family member is gonna pick up the shipment this week." Applejack explained.

"Who is picking it up this week?" Rainbow Dash asked almost if she were playing a guessing game.

"My uncle Clean, and he probably just uses it as fertilizer like most of the apples do..."

"You mean Uncle Clean? As in the same Uncle Clean, that sells those apple scented cleaners all over Equestria?" Rainbow Dash asked as she gave a fanfilly squeal as if it were Daring Do being mentioned.

"Yeah, though his real name is Shiny Apple. Why are ya so excited about this? If anypony would have reacted this way, I thought fer sure it would have been Rarity." Applejack asked with genuine surprise.

"Duh, I hate cleaning, and your uncle's cleaners make it so much faster and easier." Rainbow Dash gushed almost if she were Rarity talking about her latest crush.

"I reckon we have one more task until we get cleaned up, and get some lunch, this one'll be a cinch though." Applejack interrupted Rainbow Dash as she tried to get things back on track.

Applejack pushed a button on a small remote causing the floors of the trench to turn into a makeshift conveyer belt.

"Would this have gotten done faster if you pushed that button sooner?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"It takes a lot of energy, most it through burning some guano and I ain't able to burn enough guano quickly enough in order to keep this on any longer than I hafta." Applejack sighed in frustration.

Once the poop was far enough on the conveyer belt Applejack pressed another button which opened a large pipe which the guano fed into.

"This leads into that building ya noticed earlier through a series of pipes where it is gonna be processed."

"How in the name of Equestria are you able to afford this?" Rainbow Dash asked in amazement.

"It was through a combination of borrowing some money from other Apple Family members, and of course with all the extra bits from the increased crop yield thanks to the bats and their droppin's."

"So mo' Guano mo' problems?" Rainbow Dash joked.

"Yes." Applejack answered with a frown.

A sudden loud, whistle much like one heard on a train was heard from the factory like building, Applejack lead the way inside. It was a large metallic, sterile chamber with pipes leading in and out of a giant pressure cooker. The sounds of clings and clangs of various machinery greeted their ears.

"You're like the Filly Wonka of bat poop aren't you?" Rainbow Dash stared in wonder, as she watched the various machines do their job.
"Yeah, ah turn bat droppings into delicious chocolate fer all the youngin's." Applejack responded with obvious sarcasm.

"It was just a joke Applejack, lighten up."

"Movin' on, the guano first gets drained of all the waste water, then the water is fed through another pipe which leads which gets recycled to be able to be used in the hoses again to break up more hard bat droppin's. The guano that remains is then put a pressure cooker which ya see over there to kill germs and then bagged and placed in crates." Applejack explained as if she were giving a tour.

"Wait wait wait, so you re use the shit water?" Rainbow Dash asked making a face of slight disgust.

"Yes, but none of this is used as drinkin' water, I ain't willin' to subject myself or anypony else to that."

Rainbow Dash couldn't help but chuckle, as she watched one of the pipes pump out pound after pound of poo poo, almost as if the factory itself was taking a never ending dump. After everything was bagged and crated Applejack breathed a sigh of relief.

"Alright, let's get cleaned up ya don't hafta stick around, but ya can for lunch and to meet mah uncle if ya want."
After a quick hose down or "decontamination" as Applejack put it they were both ready to eat. As they both took off their gas masks they were greeted to the warm, welcome smell of Granny Smiths cooking.

"Is that oat burgers and hay fries I am smelling?" Rainbow Dash drooled.

"Eeeeeeeeyup!" Big Mac answered as he overheard Rainbow Dash's question.
Applejack looked up in the sky and saw Twilight.

"I hope I am not late Applejack, I have plenty of ideas."

"Great, I am lookin forward to hearin them."

A muscular, middle aged brown earth pony stallion came out of the Apple Family home.

"It is good to see ya Applejack," he smiled as he pulled her in for a hug.

"Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh, it is really nice to meet you sir I am a huge fan." Rainbow Dash squealed.
"It is nice to meet ya both, may I ask what your names are?"

"These here are mah friends Rainbow Dash, and the famous Princess Twilight and this is mah Uncle Shiny or Uncle Clean as he is more commonly known."

"Ya'll can continue yet chit chat at the table, git it before it gets cold." Granny Smith shouted from inside the house.

Applejack knew that Granny Smith always worked hard on the cooking, even though she couldn't buck trees like she used to she took a certain pride in keeping the "youngin's" properly fed, and this meant of course getting to the table on time for all meals.

To Granny Smith cooking was in addition to a necessity, also a way of expressing her love for her family as well as of course showing hospitality to the occasional guest. As they all sat down to eat Rainbow Dash was the first to speak.

"What are you using all that bat poop for?"

"Do we hafta talk about that while ay am trying to eat?" Applejack face hoofed as she tried to steer the conversation to something else.

"I reckon we can just let him answer and then we don't hafta talk about bat droppin's no more." Granny Smith said knowing full well that this question would be asked eventually.

"I found a possible way that I may be able to produce my products more cheaply and efficiently, my company is a heap of trouble right now and this might be what it takes to get things back on track. Bat guano, especially vampire fruit bat guano has large amounts of nitrates which can be used to make ammonia which is a common additive in cleaners.

"I read about that, it is done by isolating certain chemical compounds." Twilight said

"That is right." Uncle Clean confirmed

"Can we please change the subject, ah invited Twilight over to talk about something important."

"Oh of course..." Twilight was interrupted with a knock at the door before she could say anything else.

In an exasperated sigh Applejack got up to answer the door and saw Ms. Cheerilee and Applebloom, the minute she saw the look on Appleblooms face she knew something was wrong.

"What happened?" Applejack asked knowing the answer wasn't going to be good.
"
Explain to your sister, what you did at school today Applebloom." Ms. Cheerilee glared at Applebloom waiting for her response.

"I accidentally took the bag of bat guano that was meant for Zecora. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon made fun of me for it, and then made fun of Granny Smith, so I threw most of it at them."

"You did what!!!???" Applejack yelled in shock and disgust.

"She is going to be suspended for 3 days, of course because tomorrow and Friday are non instructional days those won't count toward the suspension." Ms. Cheerilee explained the bad news.

"I am really sorry..." Applebloom tried in vain to apologize.

"I am gonna talk to ya later, just got to your room and don't come out till dinner time." Applejack responded barely able to contain her anger and disappointment.

Applejack awkwardly got back to the table and before anypony asked she simply said.
"
Applebloom is suspended from school fer throwing bat droppin's at other students, and that is the last I am gonna say on anything to do with what comes out of bats backside for now."

"Applejack are you okay?" Twilight asked concerned.

"Twilight I just need ta forget about this for a while, let's just talk about your ideas for the hiring event."

"Don't ya fret Applejack, I can talk ta Applebloom later." Granny Smith tried to reassure Applejack.

"I have here a model of what a potential application could look like, as well as a model of a fliers we could use around torn to advertize it and some newspaper ad space." Twilight explained to Applejack as she showed her a clipboard full of different documents.

"I am thinkin' this'll take place not this Saturday, but next Saturday at about 9am. The questions look fine, of course what will be most important, will the questions I and Granny Smith will ask everypony personally."

"So you will not use the applications?" Twilight asked.

"We'll probably make good use of em but there ain't nothin' like speaking to somepony face ta face. The applications will be fer records as well of course being a good to jog our here memories." Granny Smith explained.

"I suppose that is a good point." Twilight conceded

The talking continued through lunch with Applejack and Twilight doing most of the talking but with the other occasionally chiming in. Once lunch was over Applejack said her goodbyes to Twilight and Rainbow Dash.

"I know ya both are worried but I will be fine, I am going to help my uncle load up the shipment of you know what and then I am going to call it a day." Applejack tried to reassure her friends.

"That is wise decision Applejack, enjoy the rest of your day." Twilight waved goodbye as she walked out the door.

"I will see you around Applejack." Rainbow Dash hoof bumped Applejack as she trotted out the door.

Comments

[kudzuhaiku]

Bat guano is used for sodium nitrates... the things that make bacon, hot dogs, and so many other foods delicious.

Bat shit is mined and the stuff is extremely valuable. It is useful for all manner of stuff.