A bright and beautiful day in Canterlot, perfect for picnics, goes sour when a dark fog holding nightmarish things rolls in without warning. Ponies everywhere are suddenly cowering in fear or fleeing in terror.
Abandoned and lost in the darkness, a small filly comes across a reason to fight back and knows just the friend to help her do so.
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Flagging this as "Dark" because it deals with fear, though it should all fit under the "Everyone" rating as it's bloodless and at worst a little scary.
This was an exercise and experiment for me, an attempt to write something a little more descriptive and evocative than the usual 'adventure' stuff bouncing around in my head.
The seed of the idea for this story came to me late May from reading another story, The Monster in Twilight by Georg and the author's recurring use of Smarty Pants in both it and its sequel as a source of comfort for troubled ponies. I began thinking, 'what if the little doll was so good at her job that she became an artifact?' and from there the rest of the setting and story sort of fell into place and wouldn't stop bugging me until I'd written it all down.
Hmm. Some dislikes, but no explanation why. Was kinda hoping for some comments so I at least know what to do differently (or not do) in the future. :(
I enjoyed this story quite a lot! You dealt with the limited perceptual ability of a youngster quite well, and the single-minded focus on how to get safe. (Most of the rest of this will be spoilered so as to not ruin the experience for other readers!)
I kept expecting it to be a dream and have her waking up, but then it turned out to be something else: Miss Smarty Pants!There is also the connection to Ponyville and the Apples, which is handled quite well.
There are a few weak points however (at least from my perspective) that you might want to consider fixing.
1) It's not likely that the doll would have ended up in the Orange family unless it was given to them by Big Mac. It would be good to have some reference to him being Blossom's "most favoritest uncle", maybe even her godfather or some pony equivalent (since there's a rather strict avoidance of the words god or goddess in the show, maybe "herdfather" or something like that.)
2) It's a bit strange that she knew that her parents were just catatonic with fear, and not actually hurt. You need to make clear that at some point she realizes that all the ponies are hunkering down in fear – even if she can't understand why, or for that matter why "bad things are after her". Remember that as a young foal, she has a limited ability to understand what is actually going on and thus to make a connection between the two. Maybe she comes to this conclusion when she gets hungry, leaves her room to get food and takes a look out the front window of the house and observes the other ponies in the street.
3) Her natural instinct at that stage would likely be to want to find her parents. She knows where her father is and goes to find him first. When she gets there she touches her father with the doll and he is suddenly released from his nightmares. She explains that as long as Miss Smarty Pants is there he doesn't need to be afraid either. Together they go search for the mother, and on the way they find Twilight.
4) With a close association to the Apples it is not inconceivable that Twilight might have encountered her before, but maybe she was too young at the time to remember. Having Twilight recognize her would be another strengthening of the rational behind Blossom having Miss Smarty Pants. Also, asking a young foal to go "save the other ponies" by herself is a bit of a stretch. It would be much more believable that Twilight would ask the dad and Blossom to go to the palace and rescue everypony along the way.
All in all, this was quite well written, and I really encourage you to continue with more chapters.
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Oh! Comments! Wonderful! <3
Thanks for taking the time to give some feedback. I actually agree with you on your points, and while I meant this as a one-shot, I may try to re-write it thanks to your feedback. :) I really appreciate it.