Fluttershy, after compaining about some wing pains, gets a doctor's appointment scheduled by Rarity. Fluttershy, begin trypanophobic, fears of receiving a shot while visited. That doesn't happen... at least, technically.
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- Member Since 12th Jan, 2013
- offline last seen Sep 17th, 2023
Daxn
Vidi Terram Novam, Vidi Caelum Novum. Terram, Terram Novam in Hanc Vitam! Mazda descedentem et absterget omnia dolori lacrimas!
Daxn
Joined 12th Jan, 2013 ·
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Why did you add this story to the Completed Story Compendium when it's tagged Incomplete?
4588610
Little error that I've fixed now
Syringes have needles. *shudder*
Evil evil needles.
Well I think that needles would be one thing that Fluttershy isn't afraid of but hey your story. Liked it all the same, but the doctor and nurse are pretty creepy.
I'm guessing English isn't your first language? It was good if so. Also, why all the Hungarian?
4592933
No, English it's not my first langauge.
I wanted to underline that the nurse was Hungarian, by the stereotype "All the Hungarians are doctors/paramedics."
Fonetic accent is widely considered bad, so I resorted to Poirot Speak.
4593025 phonetic accents?
A few things that I'd like to address.
1) What does the title mean? I can't find any translation.
2) Why have you determined that Equestrian physicians have such an appalling bedside manner?
3) Why have you opted for the idea of Equestria having no welfare state?
The story is alright in all. I will say, I enjoyed the latter half rather than the first part, as the wordage seemed repetitious. What I mean, is instead of giving some details about Fluttershy, Rarity, or Fluttershy's cottage where she was at, you just focused on the two pony names. It made it kinda jarring to read, because they seemed more like a script for a screenplay with they way you refer to them and how they replied to things.
As I said, the second half was better, as it seemed more interesting and you started to drop the screenplay feeling that held up during the first part. I was some what confused with how you explained the state of the Doctor's office and the Doctors themselves, as I would have assumed Nurse Love Heart or an other pony from Ponyville or Canterlot attending to her, rather than occupying military ponies. And because I'm not familiar with people of Hungary, nor see why ponies from that country would be residing in Ponyville, I feel like a brief history of why they were there wouldn't hurt. It might be something that you could even build upon and work into another story.
Over all, the story has a lot of potential. My suggestion is to look at some stories that focus on character interactions, so you can see what are all the different ways you can say, she/he said/says kind of thing without using the word said, says, or the proper name of the character. Oh, and one more thing. Stop using the word latter. It was very much over used.
6421296
Thanks for the review.
I did that because, when I describe, I tend to like to describe either two things: grandiose places, or utterly decadent sights. Since I didn't feel I could make the scenery baroque and elaborate, I decided to describe the doctor's office as a messy place. And then I thought that I might as well make the doctor owning the studio somebody owning military leftovers that he uses often.
As for why I chose Hungarian, it's just because there's an Italian stereotype of Hungarians begin doctors/nurses, nothing deep about it.
6423152 I see. Now, coming from someone who;s not Italian, I didn't quite get that. Also, as a rule of thumb, I try and stay away from stereotypes as it either would offend someone who doesn't know I'm not being serious (That has happened before) and because stereo typical characters often hurt your story as they are usually one dimensional, and others might see it as a lazy way to add in a filler character. My suggestion to fix this, maybe give a paragraph about the doctor, saying how he retired from the military, or something. Give him a reason for others to look at him and think "Oh, I'd like to know more about him." It doesn't take much, and as little as three or four sentences would be all it takes, so it's not like you're writing a new chapter.