Love isn't easy (but it sure is hard enough)

by the frank

Tears on my pillow

I don't know how long I've been laying here. I really don't feel like checking, either. I'm crying. Maybe it's stopped. I don't really know. I also don't feel checking that one.

Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. That's what I am. That should be my middle name. Twilight Stupid Sparkle. Or just stupid. Yeah, that would fit. Stupid Naïve Childish Boring Nerdy Sparkle. Stupid little brat who fell in love and actually thought it would lead somewhere.

Like it ever would.

Oh yeah, so I have a crush. No biggie.

Actually it's a biggie. It's pretty huge... Yep, it is. The crush of a lifetime. A year and a half of this damn feeling. I didn't want to! I never wanted to fall in love! I was perfectly okay with the way things were.

Okay, things weren't that good... They were pretty bad. My brother's wedding... And then she came along to help me. Oh Celestia, how would I have survived those days if she hadn't been there for me?

Always time for a coffee, always time for a chat.

"Twi, my door is always open for you."

She kept her promise. It was the greatest time of my life.

And then, one day, I woke up and realised I was in love. I was in love with one of my best friends.

Why? Why... I just wanted friends. Ponies can be friends without falling in love. It is possible, it must be! Pinkie is wrong. You don't always end up in bed. Well, at least, I never...

A year and a half. Wanting. Feeling the urge. Trying to be with her as much as possible. And then, I got the chance to be the shoulder for her to cry on! Me!

Of course I let her. Of course she could! I could listen to her for hours. It's a tough life, living with stallions, oh yeah, you are so right. And he's just a prick! Oh, yes he is. I would never treat you that way. Did I say that one out loud? No... Not that time.

For six months, it was Soarin this and Soarin that and Soarin is an ass. I agreed with everything. Heh. Sometimes I contradicted myself, just to agree with what she said.

And then... And then they broke up. And of course I was there to support her. We all were. We all felt sorry for her. But me, I was glad! Finally! I had my chance! Now it was time for me. I knew she liked mares. She'd confided in me. I almost said, "ME TOOO! LET'S MAKE OUT!"

But that would have been stupid, wouldn't it? Yeah, that was something Twilight Stupid Sparkle would never do, becasue even Twilight Stupid Sparkle has her limits. Twilight Stupid Sparkle just has a little bit too much to drink sometimes, that's all. No biggie.

I was waiting and working up the guts to just tell her. I couldn't. I just kept making excuses. I even arranged that play at Hearth's Warming Eve again just for us to be together. I loved every moment. The coffee breaks. The nagging, the teasing... We didn't have that much in common. She's an athlete, I'm an egghead. But we had the music. The music, the coffee... The occasional smoke. We had been trying to quit for ages. But one more... Oh, how I loved those days made for smoking.

My biggest mistake was telling her that I had a crush and asking her for help. I couldn't stop myself. For Celestia's sake, I needed to talk to SOMEPONY! Okay, so talking to my crush about the crush I have on her might not be the best of ideas... But I never told her it was her. I just... Made some pony up.

Okay, that might have been a bad idea too...

Twilight Stupid Sparkle rides again.

And the worst part? She was there for me. Again. She was caring, asking, understanding, trying to help. She tried to help me find the courage to act!

It actually worked. I was going to tell her. That Friday, I WAS going to tell her.

And then... And then...

SHE came...

Spitfire. Like a flash in the night. Like a blizzard in an April evening.

I still remember that day. "Twilight! Twilight! I gotta tell you something! I'm in love! I'm finally in love for real."

WELL THAT'S JUST GREAT! LUCKY YOU! JUST PUT MY HEART UNDER YOUR HOOF AND CRUSH IT!

... I sort of said. Actually, I think I just screamed.

And then... It began, the part that put the S in stupid. They were in that damn bubble of love. She started to avoid us. Alright, not avoid... There just wasn't much room for her friends in their world. Rainbow and Spitfire 4-ever. But at times, she still came to me, the faithful friend, to share her happiness.

"Oh, Twilight, I am SOOO happy! Finally! This is the best thing that ever happened, it's just so..."

"There were STEAMY WINDOWS last night! I never had that before! She is... Awesome!"

"Oh, I actually got burns from the leather sofa... A bit too much humping... She's wild, Twilight."

Well, how nice for you.

I listened. I hated every moment, but I needed to hear. I longed for it. I craved knowing. I sucked up every word like a dirty towel.

I hated her. I hated them. Why did she have to come and take her from me? SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY RAINBOW! MY RAINBOW!

That's when I started to stalk them.

I just HAPPENED to be out when they took some strolls at night. Just HAPPENED to walk into Sugarcube corner when they were there. Just HAPPENED to notice that you could take a sneak peek through one of her windows without them noticing. I did more than that... But I don't want to remember those things.

Not that they had eyes for anything else than themselves, though.

Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid little Sparkle who actually thought she could continue living like that. That nopony would ever find out.

And then tonight came.

There was a party at Pinkie's. I didn't want to go. I knew THEY would be there. I knew things always turned awkward when I met them. Why did she have to be so DAMN NICE! That Spitfire... She's probably one of the nicest ponies I've met. She's like me. She's into some of the same nerdy stuff I am. I can talk to her for hours, while Rainbow is sitting there, saying, "Can you two eggheads PLEASE talk about something interesting?"

Damn it. I want to hate her. I need to hate the pony who took my Rainbow.

But how can I? She's... Perfect. She's everything that I'm not.

I didn't want to go, but I did, for Pinkie. I didn't want to make her sad. Yep, that's me. Twilight Sparkle. The good FRIEND. Always THE GOOD FRIEND.

I think I went for the hard cider almost at once. I just... I just wanted to blow my head to pieces with alcohol. Perhaps I'd pass out, not saying anything?

Of course I didn't. And I didn't even say it to her.

It was to Fluttershy. I just took advantage of her. I don't think she really wanted to listen, but I... Sort of raped her... I know, it's a word you shouldn't use in that way... But it actually feels like that. I just sat there and blurted everything out, and she didn't want to hear anything, I know. Now.

I think I have to make her a cake.

So there I was, ranting about how lonely I am, how HORNY I am, and how it's just awful that she doesn't see it, and how hard it is to conceal my feelings... Yeah, maybe I got a little bit too drunk to censor myself. Then, I heard a voice.

"Twilight?"

Yeah, it was Rainbow Dash. She was standing behind me, WITH Spitfire. I ran. I ran straight home.

I actually thought Spitfire was going to kill me.

And here I am. In my bed. Drunk. Lonely. Crying. Twilight Stupid Naïve Childish Drunkard Nerdy Sparkle. Willneverhavefriendsagain Sparkle. Willalwaysbelonely Sparkle.

Pinkie was here before. I yelled at her. I made her sad. I hate making Pinkie sad. I have to make her a cake now too.

I hear knocks on the door. Shyte.

"Go away Pinkie!"

I'll apologize tomorrow, I can't take it tonight.

Knock knock knock.

"Please, Pinkie, not now!"

Knock knock knock.

"Pinkie, for Celestia's sake... Oh, alright."

I get up to open the door. It's not Pinkie. Why, of course it's not. It's her.

"Twilight? Are you okay?"

"Oh! Eh... Heh heh heh... Oh yee... No."

"... Figured as much. Eh... Before... Were you talking about me?"

"... Yeah."

"That crush you've talked about... That was me?"

"... Yeah."

Rainbow is silent. That's bad.

"Twi... How long have you been feeling like this?"

"Like... A year and a half."

"Since... The business with Cadence and Shinings wedding?"

"Yeah."

More silence. Real bad.

"... Okay. Listen, Twi... I... No. I... I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Okay."

Well that was grand. Twilight Stupid Sparkle does it again. I go back to my bed. I'm crying again.

…

Knock knock knock.

Huh? Oh…I fell asleep.

Knock knock knock.

Who can that be? I hope its Pinkie, I really need to apologize.

"Come on Twi, open up!"

Rainbow? No no no...

"I... Uh... I... "

"Open up, Twi. I know you're awake."

"I... Talk in my sleep."

"Twi..."

I open the door. She's alone.

"Hi... "

She walks in, looks at me, and gives me a hug. She hugs me? Why would she... She knows, and still?

"Twi... Why didn't you tell me?"

What?

"'Cause I would have listened. I wouldn't say the thing you wanted to hear. I don't love... Ok, that's not true. I love you Twi, but not that way. As a friend. A really good friend, a best friend! Just not a marefriend."

"Rainbow, I... Is... Spitfire mad?"

"No, she didn't really hear you. She just got into the room. I'd been standing there for a while though. I was actually trying to save Fluttershy from you."

"So you heard... "

"Pretty much everything."

"I'm sorry Dash... I've been the worst friend ever. I know I've been there for you, but it was all for the wrong reason! I tried to make myself the perfect marefriend for Celestia's sake! I didn't say one word that was true..."

"Twilight Sparkle. Stop. Don't talk like that."

"It's the truth..."

"No, it isn't. Don't you think I know my friends? I know when you're lying, Twi. I'm not as good as AJ, but I know when you're not telling the truth. Twi, you're almost the worst liar in Equestria. What you just said, THAT was a lie. What you told me before... That wasn't."

"... Why are you doing this? Why are you here comforting me and not with your sexy marefriend?"

"You need me. Simple as that."

"Why?"

"Why? 'Cause you're my friend Twilight. Okay, you may not be as awesome as me, but you're my friend. You're funny, you're intelligent and you have the biggest heart of any pony I know. So you have a crush on me. It's not like the end of the world. it's not like I'm gonna be all 'Ewwww, you can't be my friend because you have a crush on me'. I'm not that kind of pony, Twilight. I don't want to lose you. I mean, who am I supposed to have coffee with while I complain about Spitfire? Who else is gonna share my sick sense of humour? Fluttershy? Please... And who do you think will listen to Travelling Wayfarers with me?"

"Doesn't Spitfire like them?"

"She HATES them... She's into synth. Blip blop and stuff."

"Oh... I thought that you were all just so happy-dappy all the time."

"We are... Most of the time... But come on! What's a relationship without complaining about your marefriend?"

"Yeah... That wouldn't be right, would it... I wish I could share that feeling."

She looked at me, and gave me another hug.

"Twi... You'll find some pony. I know. And she, or he, will find you sweet, and crazy awesome, and perfect. I promise. And you have really good taste. I mean, it's kind of flattering that everypony falls for the Dash, don't you think?"

I couldn't help smiling. Yep, that's Rainbow in a nutshell. We both burst into laughter. We were still hugging though, and when we realised that... ... ... ... ... ... Silence again.

"This feels awkward."

"It sure as Tartarus does. But I can take the awkwardness, Twi. Nothing is going to stop me from hugging ponies. If that is what it takes to keep you as a friend... Then I'll do it. Wanna come back to the party?"

"That's still going on?"

"At full throttle! And a party without you, Twi, isn't a party! Come on! We can talk about this for months. But for now, let's just go and look at Applejack dancing!"

I walk a few steps behind her. Yep. The love of my life just came back and saved me from myself again. I guess that not having a marefriend like Rainbow is a pretty low price to pay for having her as a best friend.

She's the best friend any pony can have.

Author's Note:

Just wanted to see if I could write a story all in one day. Sort of worked.

Comments

[Apoc]

I like this. But then again I'm a sucker for unrequited love.

[the frank]

4581058 Well, sometimes...we all are. Thanks!

[Winston]

I enjoyed the story, although the text could use some proofreading and editing just to polish up a few rough spots. I could probably help you with that, if you'd like.

[the frank]

4681278 Oh, thank you! That would be much appreciated! :)

[Winston]

4681369 No problem. I'll go over the text and send you back a copy with some recommendations for edits in a private note. May take a few days, depending on some things.

[goaway]

but I... Sort of raped her...

Okay, yeah, I get what you mean, but friggin' hell that's quite a word to just throw in there.

Also, Fluttershy WOULD listen, no matter what.

[the frank]

4818438
Yeah, it is a bit over the top, but that's the way Twilight feels.

And well, Fluttershy would listen to sober Twilight or sad Twilight, but passive aggressive walking bottle of vodka angry Twilight scares the shit out of her.